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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peeved that my kids refuse to be tested for Covid!

300 replies

sadpapercourtesan · 14/08/2020 11:45

We've been asked to be part of the testing programme as a family - we'd be tested every week for 5 weeks, then every month for 12 months. DH and I want to do it, particularly the antibody test as we'd like to know whether we've got immunity. Our boys (16 and nearly 18) refuse; DS1 doesn't fancy the nose swab and DS2 says he'd rather not know! So that's that Sad

Obviously it's their choice to make, but I'm peeved that DH and I won't get to participate now, as it has to be the whole family. Grrr.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 14/08/2020 15:48

InDeoEstMeaFiducia Fri 14-Aug-20 15:28:17

SleepingStandingUp

Could you offer to share any money you're getting for it as an incentive?
.......

JFC!
......
Don't say that, InDeo, it wasn't an unreasonable suggestion.
However, quite honestly, they don't need to have the test if they don't want it, payment or no payment.

GetUpAgain · 14/08/2020 15:49

@ChewChewsBiscuitTin

I have a very sensitive gaga reflex - oh no, were you Born This Way?

(I'll get my coat)

Grin This comment has made me actually laugh out loud!!!

I'd be a bit peeved if my dc had the chance and said no, I know its their choice but I'd still wish they said yes. Same as the day trip to Albania none of them would go on when we went to Greece. Unadventurous bastards. I brought them up to be daring and brave and civic minded, and then the teenage years hit....

Lweji · 14/08/2020 15:49

There is a reason why paying enough money to people to change their minds about participating as subjects in research, i.e. bribes, is not considered ethical now.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 15:50

@jessstan2

InDeoEstMeaFiducia Fri 14-Aug-20 15:28:17

SleepingStandingUp

Could you offer to share any money you're getting for it as an incentive?
.......

JFC!
......
Don't say that, InDeo, it wasn't an unreasonable suggestion.
However, quite honestly, they don't need to have the test if they don't want it, payment or no payment.

You are an entitled to your opinion as I am. It is not for you, however, to order others on what to post Hmm. In the event a post breaches Talk Guidelines, then it is to be reported to HQ, who make the decision whether or not to delete.

They said no. Trying to change their minds is disrespecting that. That should never be seen as acceptable when it comes to a person's bodily autonomy.

Areyouquitesure · 14/08/2020 15:52

Can you bribe them?

Lweji · 14/08/2020 15:53

@Areyouquitesure

Can you bribe them?
No! It's fucking unethical.

Next post in BOLD

AugustBreeze · 14/08/2020 15:54

Surely this isn't simply a body autonomy issues, important though that is?

There are many situations in life where we consent to do something/have something done to our body which may be unpleasant, but it's for a greater good. Eg smears and other tests to diagnose (pre-) cancerous cells, having a bucket of cold water flung over you in order to raise money for charity, giving birth even!

I wonder if there'd be an option of seeing how the first tests felt and then deciding whether to have further ones?

I do think the boys are old enough to decide for themselves though, but I'd encourage them to think of the ways in which it helps research into a potentially fatal disease.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 15:55

@Lweji

There is a reason why paying enough money to people to change their minds about participating as subjects in research, i.e. bribes, is not considered ethical now.
Apparently not when it comes to covid, Lweji. Can you imagine: 'We'll give you £££ if you allow us to use this LARC on you even though you initially said no', 'How about £££ for having this vaccination, would that change your mind?' 'Could use your tissue samples, you can trust us to handle them responsibly and confidentially and it will only be a slight pinch to extract them. Okay, you said no, but what if you offer you £££?' 'We need a surrogate to have a child, can we rent your womb for £££?' 'It just a slight poke, pinch, my child has had it done, here is £££'.
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/08/2020 16:00

Same as the day trip to Albania none of them would go on when we went to Greece. Unadventurous bastards. I brought them up to be daring and brave and civic minded, and then the teenage years hit....

I wanted to go do that when I went to Corfu many years ago. Unfortunately the Albanians had been shooting at Greek boats at the time so we weren’t allowed to.

(Sorry, getting sidetracked!)

SickToDeathOfThis · 14/08/2020 16:00

“I applaud my children for making choices regarding their own bodies, owning them and sticking to their boundaries. That's a good thing”

Fully agree.

thehumblediamond · 14/08/2020 16:00

YABVU. It is their choice to make at the age they are at, I have decided not to take part as I don't want to be bothered with the weekly tests because the one we were asked to take part in meant somebody coming to our house to do the tests. That's not happening.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 16:01

Surely this isn't simply a body autonomy issues, important though that is?

Surely when someone says NO to anything happening to their body that's the end of it. You do not have consent. You walk away. You don't bully, manipulate, shame or coerce someone to gain what you want from their body (in fact, in some settings, not this one, that constitutes a crime). There is no 'greater good' when it comes to your autonomy over your own body; YOU own it. FFS. You can say NO to smears, vaccines, screenings and that's the end of it as far as the healthcare service goes, they do not have consent. They can ask, that's all. You don't have to give them an explanation. You can withdraw consent to things at any time. Because consent is a point of law.

TheGlitterFairy · 14/08/2020 16:01

Seems the OPs boys are old enough to decide for themselves.

Having had a swab recently, can't say I blame them in saying no. Throat was better than expected but nose was uncomfortable and not that pleasant. Appreciate other people may have different experiences but this was mine. I require another next week and really not looking forward to it.

BwanaMakubwa · 14/08/2020 16:03

@LizzyELane

OP just re-read your last sentence, now wondering if it is the same study. We've done the five weeks and are now on the monthly schedule, but it was made very clear DD did not have to join in if not keen. Might be worth checking so you and your DH could still take part without your DC.
I agree, we have had same result. Very clear any family member can withdraw at any time.

My kids are v keen apart from 1 - it's the 425 in vouchers they will get that is keeping them keen.

AugustBreeze · 14/08/2020 16:04

The OP has only said she felt peeved, she wasn't asking for suggestions as to how to force her possibly hulking great lads to submit to the tests.....

BwanaMakubwa · 14/08/2020 16:05

@SleepingStandingUp

Could you offer to share any money you're getting for it as an incentive?
The survey we have been invited on they get vouchers themselves for every test.
Wishfulthinking1977 · 14/08/2020 16:05

My 19 year old was offered one during lockdown, he refused, for several reasons that he explained, I agreed and accepted his decision based on his reasons and choice! I was actually pleased that he made his own choice regardless of my opinion and it was left at that.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 16:06

@AugustBreeze

The OP has only said she felt peeved, she wasn't asking for suggestions as to how to force her possibly hulking great lads to submit to the tests.....
Yes, but plenty of people found coercing this from them acceptable. Unbelievable. Again, insert any other test or procedure for Covid and read it back. There's no consent here from them, so that should be the end of it. Can be peeved, etc but that's the end of it from the point of view that these people have said no to the tests.
BwanaMakubwa · 14/08/2020 16:08

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@InDeoEstMeaFiducia calm down, I'm not saying bribe them, I'm saying being open about the fact that op will get X for doing it as a family, and therefore if they did it they'd get a quarter rather than op expecting altruism. Plenty of people still wouldn't, which is fine, their body their roles. Others would be willing to do it if they thought they were getting something out of it.

It's like when they do market reattach and they pay you £2 to taste the coffee. More people do it because there's a direct gain for them.[/quote]
My kids each get 50 in vouchers for first swab and 25 for any further swab. They can pull out at any point. They haven't had first swab yet but as of now they are freaking delighted at this.

Surprise it hasn't motivated OP's kids.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/08/2020 16:09

Bribe them??? they are 16 and nearly 18, not little kids.

We get tested at work every week and the nose swab part I still hate.

TwilightPeace · 14/08/2020 16:13

The throat was fine but I found the nose swab stingy as fuck. Was expecting it to be uncomfortable but not sore.
Have to get it done every 2 weeks now due to work and dreading it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2020 16:13

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia
Crikey that’s a lot of projection about test. One of op ds’s said he’d rather not know and the other said he doesn’t fancy it. In no way did she indicate any of what you said. In fact had she, I would have not posed the question.

I asked to gauge how serious he dcs were about not participating in a much needed study. Some of us consider this a civic duty and appreciate other countries have testing as a legal requirement. Having been through ivf and major surgery twice and needing more surgery, a few minutes of discomfort or gagging would not be high on my agenda of what I couldn’t stand.

And my dh had the test a couple of months ago as part of a study. I performed it on him precisely because he has quite a gag reflex and couldn’t bring himself to do it in himself. So I do know what it is.

Areyouquitesure · 14/08/2020 16:17

Totally fine for them to refuse

But it's still ok to offer a bribe. I used to bribe my teenagers to clean things, study when they couldn't be arsed.

They're adults and adults get paid to do things they don't want - like most shitty jobs

Kaykay066 · 14/08/2020 16:17

Surely you’d just accept their decision and move on? It’s not medically essential so they are allowed a choice. I’d make sure it was an informed choice and they had all the information available to them about it but no is no how will they trust/respect you if you bribe or coerce them. Bribery should never be used in this way or at all really. I’m a paeds nurse so see it a lot but don’t use it with my kids as I don’t agree with it.

PiataMaiNei · 14/08/2020 16:23

@Wondergirl100

blimey total over exaggeration of the test - yes giving it to a 5 yr old was a joke but for an adult it's 10 seconds of discomfort and a 12 yr old is capable of understanding that.

Honestly I think it's very selfish of them.

What an utterly dreadful take.