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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think anyone TTC now is mad?

349 replies

absolutelybloodyanonymous · 13/08/2020 21:12

Given the GDP fall-economy disaster, rising unemployment, coronavirus, does it seem bloody mad to be TTC now?

I’ve got mates and family who are TTC or already upduffed and it seems absolutely mad to me. Why does RIGHT NOW feel like a good time to TTC? AIBU?

(Nc for this!)

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/08/2020 08:29

Does that mean that your ivf did result in a child then OP?

The op has a child.

It is often people who have already had children telling others not to conceive.

year5teacher · 14/08/2020 08:32

I think this is a hugely sensitive topic and people will have their own personal reasons for why they are TTC. You don’t know people’s situations and some people have no choice other than to keep TTC now if they want children (parents who are older, for one).
I see your point but I think it’s just quite a cold and insensitive one.

saywhatnowerm · 14/08/2020 08:35

Doctors, nurses, teachers, civil service, a good lawyer/solicitor. If you've budgeted well your fine for future tax hikes. That's why we didn't max out on our mortgage, don't take loans, live within our means, work hard at our jobs save for rainy days. Just because we could afford half a million pound mortgage didn't mean we always would, which is why we are around £300k.

So you see no wage stagnation or contraction in these areas?

Future tax rises - will happen if we have a baby or not.

Of course but dc tend to impact on disposable income.

Just interesting to hear the above viewpoints. We have the above jobs listed & of course have worked throughout but I am a bit anxious about the economy as it's going to take a long time to recover as we are so service based. Plus I do worry about civil unrest. I completely get why people would still want dc though.

Mittens030869 · 14/08/2020 08:39

Fascinated by the child free poster who has nothing better to do than hang around a parenting forum and judge people for having kids 😂

Exactly. Also, we didn't all have bio DC, some of us adopted so we didn't actually 'breed'.

Admittedly, my DH and I did TTC originally, and I was infertile. But I don't really see why having up to 2 DC is adding to over population of the planet, as every single person who is born will in the end die. (I would understand the argument that having large families is irresponsible, but I'm not in the business of judging other people's choices.)

kittenpeak · 14/08/2020 08:42

@absolutelybloodyanonymous it really sounds like you regret having your child/ren considering you think people are mad to now want to bring children jnto the world. Are you going to tell them you regret having them? Does your partner know you regret it?

SidesteppinTheRona · 14/08/2020 08:44

I am being honest in asking aiBu and feels quite goady to have everyone boast about their comfortable jobs and savings when so many others are on the breadlines

The goadiness was all yours: writing that people are "mad" to be TTC; because YOU think their jobs are in danger, economy is in tatters and Covid19 is still threat.
People are quite reasonably pointing out that actually, their job is secure for now and they're financially comfortable enough to press on with TTC. There was no boasting.

And YABVU to judge others who are TTC

TitianaTitsling · 14/08/2020 08:45

@lynsey91

I can't believe any sane person would think getting pregnant now is a good idea.

None of us know what is going to happen with the virus do we? It's pretty selfish really to bring a child into such an uncertain world.

Just in case you need to know, me and DH are childfree by choice. An overpopulated and pretty messed up world only likely to get worse with climate change, food and water shortages etc certainly does not need more humans added

Scrolled back to read this delight... I don't think anyone really wants or 'needs to know' anything about you.
Mittens030869 · 14/08/2020 08:52

Why do childfree people come onto a parenting forum to lecture parents about their choices? How smug/superior can you be?

I personally think that it would be wonderful if more people would consider adoption or fostering, as there are currently 60,000 children languishing in care, but I don't presume to lecture people who only want bio DC. (I didn't consider adoption until I turned out to be infertile so I would be hypocritical if I did.)

Having your opinions is fine, and making your own choice to be childfree is fine too. Getting angry with people who make other choices from you isn't fine at all. Hmm

TheMarshGirl · 14/08/2020 08:53

Omfg, someone who became a parent a whopping ten years ago is now saying people TTC now are selfish 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. How very CONVENIENT, that you had babies and only then did climate change become such an issue that you would never have babies. Seriously, have some self awareness of how stupid that sounds.

Look, this conversation comes up on here all the time. Surprisingly frequently for a parenting site, but then, there are the frankly, a little unhinged, posters on here who seem to take great pleasure in stalking round the site, shrieking that the end is nigh and nobody should "choose to breed". I guess it's the modern day equivalent of people standing on street corners announcing that the apocalypse is upon us.

Again, I'm neither pregnant nor TTC btw and I also was a student of environmental science, (until I switched courses recently), so I am far from ignorant about climate change.

The thing is, if you are so happy with your choice to remain child free, that's wonderful. You do you hun and all that. But actually, there is something a bit sinister about your motives for coming on to a parenting site, when your child bearing days are well behind you, to say no younger people should be allowed to have children. Think that through. This isn't your business and isn't your place. You are attempting to interfere and coerce people out of their reproductive rights, because you are no longer in the game.

The fact is, that climate change has been a well known concept for many years. It's a terrible thing.

But, there have been terrible wars and atrocities throughout human history and before us, throughout the history of the planet. People continue to have children because it is part of human nature, in fact a part of the nature of all living things.

Yes, we have more choice, but only in the same way we choose to live a long life, receiving treatment well into our 80s and 90s to prolong our lives.

For some people who are childfree or childless, the choice not to have children was probably a combination of factors. It is rarely, if ever a sacrifice. Mostly the same people saying they sacrificed having children for the good of the planet post on other threads saying how they don't want children and think it looks horrible.

While the planet is overpopulated or becoming overpopulated, the UK is at below replacement levels for birth. The problem in this country isn't that "selfish" people have too many babies it's that "selfish" elderly people just won't die quickly enough, (I don't really think this btw, but wording it in a way the die hard DON'T BREED fuckwits on here might understand).

Also, when you look at damage to the planet, a large family in parts of Africa, (where the population actually IS growing due to birth rates and longer life expectancy), a verhy large family does less damage than a single, childless/ childfree westerner, like lynsey etc. This implies that it is not purely a numbers game, where more people = more damage. There are many more factors at play.

Also if nobody had children starting right now, yes the human race would die out. If you're happy about that, that's one thing, but consider how the final few decades on the planet would look for people who have nobody to provide food, healthcare or utilities, nobody to pay into the economy etc. Also, consider the mess we would leave behind, in terms of nuclear power plants left still standing with nobody to work in them.

Also, the last man irl who told me having children was terribly selfish and so bad for the planet, ended up having three rounds of IVF to have his first child with his partner. So I take a lot of this noise with an enormous pinch of salt.

There was an excellent article about this, which I will try to find, where the writer spoke about how post productive white men are driving the DON'T BREED message, aimed at the areas where population is set to grow significantly, (mainly Africa), when actually, lifestyle choices would make a bigger difference. So, if you think you are being woke by shouting about how you would never have had children if you knew blah blah, stop and have a think. You are taking the easy road out of any responsibility for the future by having your children, (or not, but, let's face it, if not, it's most likely, either because you couldn't or because you never really wanted to), and now saying "oh the end is nigh, no more babies, let's die off and protect gaia". Exploiting the planet to make yourself look like a fucking hero. Well, you're not.

kittenpeak · 14/08/2020 08:53

@absolutelybloodyanonymous

I’m 39 and suffered recurrent miscarriages and multiple rounds of IVF. (Veternan of MN infertility page) Would love another and time is obviously of the essence for me but seems frightening to think that we don’t know the effects of the virus on the foetus and new figures showing more hospitalisations and illness for infants.

I am being honest in asking aiBu and feels quite goady to have everyone boast about their comfortable jobs and savings when so many others are on the breadlines.

It's also quite goady to hear you suggest that having children now would be mad. Let me know if you're considering giving your child away if it's so mad to have one in this day and age. Is life really that bad for you? Are you really living on the breadline? Why have you got yourself in that situation if you have a child? Why don't you have a better job, and then you won't worry about the economy? Your poor child.

Think my comment is ill thought out and insensitive and silly? Of course it is. Two can play that game.

In the same way suggesting people TTC now is also ill thought out. Life is not that bad here. Do you honestly think tomorrow is a better day? Fingers crossed for anyone on that breadline

TheAquaticDuchess · 14/08/2020 09:02

@TheMarshGirl 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

bee222 · 14/08/2020 09:03

Anyone coming here WHO ALREADY HAS KIDS and telling women who have suffered infertility, baby loss, stillbirth, miscarriage etc, that they are selfish to try for a family because of the environment, need to take a seat and stfu and take a long hard look at themselves. Maybe take a long hard look at your kids as well and think about how lucky you are.
I would be embarrassed to be you.
Don’t pretend that you didn’t know about climate change before your DC were born. This is not new news. Stop being such a bunch of smug hypocrites.

ivfdreaming · 14/08/2020 09:04

@TheMarshGirl

Amazing post!! Agree with everything you wrote
But I suspect the childfree and loving it banshees or I'm not having children to save the planet will just ignore you

whenwillthemadnessend · 14/08/2020 09:05

Bio clock doesn't stop ticking for covid. During both world wars pop increased and that was after that trauma.

You sound very judgmental and a bit jealous tbh

HopelessSemantics · 14/08/2020 09:07

People who choose not to have kids: whatever

People who declare themselves childfree as though that makes them somehow morally superior and more interesting: the worst

No one fucking cares

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/08/2020 09:08

Arguably, anyone who tries to conceive at any time is mad.

bee222 · 14/08/2020 09:10

@FluffyKittensinabasket

I think the people who proclaim they are happily childfree by choice over and over aren’t actually that happy about it - on a forum called Mumsnet. I wonder how many of them are actually happy. A few posters seem actually angry that people are having children. Is it jealously because they can’t or something?

One thing to be childfree. A different point of view is always good.

Quite another to screech that choosing to have children is stupid. Lynsey91 was posting over the Conception forum in March telling us we were crazy, stupid etc many of her posts were deleted. How are those sorts of posts helpful or kind?

I don’t understand why she wasn’t banned for doing that. She was also randomly posting that Lily Allen shouldn’t have had kids because she doesn’t like her and thinks she’s talentless.
BertieBotts · 14/08/2020 09:14

DS1 was born during the credit crunch. Clearly I just like having babies during recessions, it makes it a bit more exciting, like whack a mole except with bills? :)

NatARG · 14/08/2020 09:16

Everyone has a different TTC story. I'm pregnant now after 21/2 years and am grateful for it as I'm 37. We have a lot more than most and are lucky to still have stable jobs. I'd suggest being happy for your friends rather than judging them on timing- you may not know the full story.

FluffyKittensinabasket · 14/08/2020 09:25

A few years ago I was single and miserable. I didn’t post on here but I was jealous of people who were married and had children. One of my (male) friends was unhappily single and didn’t want children. We used to gripe between us about how we didn’t want children etc but I obviously did but it was easier for me to pretend I didn’t.

Looking back, I realise how incredibly unhappy was! I’m now very happily married and pregnant and feel sorry for my past, younger self.

FluffyKittensinabasket · 14/08/2020 09:27

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VoyageInTheDark · 14/08/2020 09:33

I'm ttc and have a history of mental health problems so yes I am quite mad thanks Smile

bee222 · 14/08/2020 09:47

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Apricotta · 14/08/2020 10:05

@saywhatnowerm our finances/ budget allow for wage contraction. Did you not read my post properly? We've calculated that's even if one of us looses our job and mortgage rates go sky high, taxes go up drastically we can afford to keep the house, pay the bills and raise 2 kids. I'm thinking of the future not the current situation. It would be horrible to think that if we all stopped having a kids your retirement funds would dwindle, you'd have no carers, nurses, doctors, cancer researchers etc to help help you out in your old age. What if one of the babies current or yet to be born cures cancer for good, finds a universal vaccine for everything, solved global warming?

PumpkinsandAutumnLeaves · 14/08/2020 10:06

If I had known 10 years ago what is common knowledge now I would like to think I would have had the strength of character never to have started a family.

😂😂😂 Oh this is pure comedy gold. You do know 10 years ago we were in a recession, right? The world was still falling apart due to global warming. Terrorism was rife. Child abduction and trafficking was still going on. Infectious diseases were still on the rise. The swine flu pandemic had just hit the year before. We were still heavily populated.

So why did you choose to have a child during those difficult time? Why did you not wait until the recession was over, or the threat of terrorism no longer existed? Most likely because the biological yearning you felt for having a child overode all those things. You placed having a baby as a higher priority than the greater good of the planet.

By your own logic, this was selfish. It was mad, irresponsible and adding to the problem, no?

Of course not, because it was YOU who was having the baby, and anything YOU do, op, is always justified because "oh it was different circumstances", or "it was OK for for me because blah blah blah".

You're being an utter, utter hypocrite. I see this all the time on here, women who have already had the privilege of having their babies stomping in the dreams of those who haven't managed to have them yet. I don't understand why someone would willing and knowingly rub salt in the wounds of those suffering from infertility, miscarriage, baby loss or any other reason. but I guess some people are just smug, heartless, narrowed-minded fuckers who can't see past the end of their own nose.

Not you though, op. You lived in a full and bountiful world that was free of illness, disaster and economic problems until the birth of your child where is suddenly became a polluted, over-populated wasteland full of danger. You poor thing.