Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

When I had my first 21 years ago my maternity leave was only 4 months pay (was in the RAF) couldn't afford to take any more. My dd went to a nursery, she was fine it was me who struggled to be honest.

Bear in mind there are 168 hours in a week. Even if your child is at nursery full time they're still going to be with you/dad for the majority of the time.
All this "I couldn't do it" stuff- it's not giving up the child for adoption, it's childcare.
Part of prioritising your child is about securing your financial future.

all this "I couldn't do it" stuff- is a choice people are entitled to make for their children.

You will never get the time back. NEVER.
I went back at 8 months with the first one, part-time and used a child minder and still regret it. Looking back I should have at least waited til baby was a year old, at least.
Care was fine, good but they are so little. I would t be doing it with a 4.5 month old.
Can your husband not stay at home or go part time if you earn more??

My eldest went to nursery at 4.5 months and he did great. He's a teen now and we're very close plus he loves all the stuff my career trajectory has enabled us to afford (like you I earn a lot more than my husband). Teens are expensive haha!

Yes it was hard at first, for me. He was fine and loved the attention from all the ladies and bigger kids (he was the youngest by quite some way).

What a PP said about separation anxiety is true. It kicks in around 8 months which is why if you're going to send a baby to nursery it's better to do it earlier rather than later (or much later).

My youngest went to full time nursery later, at 8 months (husband took part of the ML so she had longer at home) so to anticipate the above she started going one day a week from 6 months to get used to it. She was fine and now a very confident loving 6 year old. I was a wreck for a few days but then adjusted. I love my job and I'm really happy I've got to have children and a career. Plus if my husband suddenly kicks the bucket or runs off well be absolutely fine and dandy, financially speaking.

Two things: if you're both at work then domestic duties absolutely need to be shared fairly. Be completely clear about this. Also, in the first year or two of nursery they get ill A LOT and you and your husband need a Plan B and Plan C to accommodate this. Again, it shouldn't all be on you.

A lot of people in this thread have said it's too soon/ they couldn't do it but honestly, if you "make the time count" that you do spend with them, it's fine. We have quality time weekends, holidays, evenings. I don't bundle them off to bed for 7pm because I'm desperate for me time (I would if they were with me all day lol) or send them for sleepovers at grandma's because I look forward to spending some quality time with them. My mum was home a lot more but she didn't really spend much time WITH us. I don't remember her talking to us much or playing with us or taking us out. I'm not close to her (though my sister is so who knows?)

Good luck OP, wherever you decide.

I’m sorry OP, I know it’s not the ‘PC’ thing to say but...

No no no no NO NOPE!!

DS is 5 months now although much more robust than a newborn he’s still SOOOO little. He also is EBF, a bottle refuser and gets very distressed without his boobie. He’s a lockdown baby and for that reason alone I wouldn’t be putting him in nursery any time soon, he’s not been socialised. He’s not been held by anyone other than me, DH and MIL!

Do what’s right for you but there will be other jobs.

When my son was born (19 now) 6 months maternity leave was all we got, so most people went back with 5 month olds or thereabouts. He was fine - went to a childminder for the first couple of years.

I would totally do it. Your child will be great AND you have a great job. Not the same but I spent A LOT of time in hospital when my DD was very young and, as a result, she spent a lot of time with various nannies and my mum as well as my husband who was trying to juggle working full time. Obviously it was NOT a choice and lots of charming people told me they could never have done it (unhelpful - surely going away to hospital and getting better was preferable to staying at home but dying????). But the silver lining of a terrible situation was that she was so easy going and confident in new situations and loved nursery when she started at 11 months. Her best friend since starting nursery was a child who had been in there since 5 months full time and was very happy and very attached to parents and all good. My best friend is a primary school head who returned to work at 5 months and had to leave her ebf son. It all worked out great and he is a very happy healthy 10 year old now. You do what you have to do and it WILL be ok. I promise.

He’s not been held by anyone other than me, DH and MIL! with all due respect PP do you think that is healthy for a 5 month old?

...when most of those months have been spent in lockdown, I would think yes?

I went back to work when dc1 was 12 weeks - because that was the norm for paid ML at that time. The long ML of up to a year is a relatively recent thing.

This is entirely for you and your partner to work out between you- there’s no right or wrong- but it’s really worth bearing in mind that however many people say ‘I couldn’t do it,’ the reality is that many people have done. My children have all grown into happy well adjusted adults - there’s no difference between the dc1 who was in childcare from 12 weeks, and her younger siblings who didn’t start childcare til later. In fact I’d say the only difference at the time, was that dc 2 and 3 took longer to settle in childcare. Dc1 had absolutely no separation issues at all because she was so young! Anyway as I say, they’re all 3 happy adults and you wouldn’t know whether they were in childcare or what age they started.

Remember, ML isn’t standardised Over the world - women in the U.K. in 2020 only throw up their hands in horror at the thought of returning when a baby is a few months old because it’s not the cultural norm here now. But of course in many places in the world it is. And norms change over time as we’ve seen... imagine if ML becomes 18 months at some point in the future- women will look back and pity those poor mums who only had a year off in 2020!

Personally although it’s hard work returning to work when they’re very little (particularly if bf long term as I did) If its the only way to secure or retain a very good work opportunity then I wouldn’t hesitate. No way would I have had the successful career I’ve had over the years if i hadn’t gone back to work when my kids were babies. Im not saying I’d have been stuck at he forever, of course I’d have worked again at some point but I’ve seen so many mums end up having to accept work well below their capabilities and ending up with poor earning potential and shot to bits pensions. And of course it’s not just about the money - a really good job brings so much more than that.

Especially in the current situation, no way would i pass over an amazing job opportunity. It’s also the perfect opportunity to establish a good balance of childcare/ domestic tasks with your partner, which is an essential part of you both working.

In the US, most babies go into nursery around 3 months. There's definitely nothing wrong with it.

But obviously it depends on what's right for you. Do you need the job financially? Good nurseries will be used to bottle refusers and do their magic at getting them to take.

@Caelano - I totally agree. DT’s did so well at nursery. They are now 21 but still keep in touch with the staff from the nursery. Two of the staff became our babysitters so we had a longer relationship with them.

My husband and his siblings all went into full time childcare at 6 months and younger... they all have issues with separation anxiety (which they all recognise stem from having absolutely no time with their parents) and all say they don’t want their own children in full time childcare from so young.

I’m not trying to say everyone who puts their child in full time childcare is doing wrong by them... just giving another viewpoint of the potential long term effects.

Is there work you can do around your partner’s job to ensure your child always has a parent at home? Evenings/weekend nights perhaps?

I went back to work when my DD was 18 weeks, admittedly p/t and she had family care.

Would the new employer consider you starting p/t and working up to f/t hours? Working some of the time from home?

It's a really tricky position to be in, but if the job is amazing in that you'll enjoy it as well as it being well paid, I think I'd try to find a work around.

Jobs are going to be hard enough to come by, let alone good ones, and as much as it's not 100% ideal it's got to be better than turning it down and having to leave your baby in childcare for a boring job on less money if finances demand it later on.

I'd get a nanny for 4-6 months. If nurseries have to close due to local outbreaks, at least it won't affect your childcare. You don't have to be able to afford it forever, just until you feel she's old enough to do well at nursery. You might be working for nothing, or at a loss, but you'll have a career during a recession.

You will never get the time back. NEVER.

Do you think OP might be under the impression that time is reversible and that's a factor in her decision?

Given the economy, she might also never get back this opportunity. Or perhaps another job would come up in just a few months - that's the hard thing, no one knows. But whatever choice you make in life there are no 'do-overs', you have to do what seems the best decision at the time and then hope it was.

I wouldn’t if there was any other way at all.

@mummyoneboy19

My husband and his siblings all went into full time childcare at 6 months and younger... they all have issues with separation anxiety (which they all recognise stem from having absolutely no time with their parents) and all say they don’t want their own children in full time childcare from so young.

I’m not trying to say everyone who puts their child in full time childcare is doing wrong by them... just giving another viewpoint of the potential long term effects.

Is there work you can do around your partner’s job to ensure your child always has a parent at home? Evenings/weekend nights perhaps?

If we're swapping anecdotes I went to nursery at 4 months and couldn't be closer to my mum (and dad, but weirdly no one ever questions whether him going back to full-time work when I was a week old affected our relationship!) and while I have my issues and hang-ups, as we all do, I can honestly say I have no separation or abandonment issues. But then I always felt both my parents had a lot of time for me even though they worked full-time and I felt really loved and secure. As a result, I tend to think that the quality of parenting - and the personality match with the child - makes much more difference than if you work when they're little. DH and I both work four days a week and, if I'm honest, I think it's loads better for the whole family than the 'dad works all hours and barely sees the children but mum is SAHM' model, to the extent that I find it hard to imagine why anyone picks the latter, but I also realise that different people make different choices for different reasons.

@Hardbackwriter I am trying to get a Tardis so the past may be accessible. 😆

@TheGodmother

He’s not been held by anyone other than me, DH and MIL! with all due respect PP do you think that is healthy for a 5 month old?

For a baby born during a global pandemic.

Very.

"My husband and his siblings all went into full time childcare at 6 months and younger... they all have issues with separation anxiety (which they all recognise stem from having absolutely no time with their parents"

So where were the parents outside childcare hours? Sounds like a much bigger problem there
If parents are present and engaged when they are there then childcare wont be an issue. Miost kids go to school and happily seprate from parents . No one suggests they should never be away from pardnts
..it is about how parents interact weekends evenings etc.
My 3 all were in childcare from 4 months. No issues with their confidence etc
..but yes i ve put a lot of effort into being there outside work hours

Parents working opposite hours aNd never having family time together isnt a good solution

Some of us had no choice.

Good jobs are scarce at the moment.

Why don’t you go back full time and let baby’s dad look after him part time?

@plplz There are two possibilities here... either you were looking for work and this amazing job opportunity has come up
or
You weren’t actively looking but this has fallen into your lap!

Either way, it sounds an exceptionally good opportunity. As I said in an earlier post, it’s also a good way to set the balance early on, with you and your partner sharing earning/ caring/household responsibilities.

As long as you are prepared to pay for good quality consistent care, your child will be fine. You and the child’s father are still the primary caregivers anyway... you’ll be with your child most of the time, and if for the first year or so, you split your annual leave so that you each have 1:1 time with your child then that’s at least ten weeks that she’ll have a parent home full time anyway, and that’s a minimum, many jobs give more leave.

Honestly, there is no ‘best’ way to raise a child. If it were as simple as ‘children who have two employed parents and are in childcare from a young age = delinquents’ and ‘ children with at least one parent not working = happy well adjusted’ then I think we’d know this by now

There us plenty info on memories of chiodren eg
www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/07/why-childhood-memories-disappear/397502/

If your husband of previous pp can remember being away from parents from 6 months to age two or three that s highly unusual. Most likely the husband is remembeting parents not there for them from age three upwards perhaps igmoring them after school etc .