Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

Being in child care, cared for by an adult who is not the parent, does not need to be associated with less–than–optimal development in young children. In fact, it may be associated with enhanced development or even be a compensatory factor

www.child-encyclopedia.com/child-care-early-childhood-education-and-care/according-experts/impact-child-care-young-children-0-2

Personally there is no way I would do this. However, if your circs dictate that you need the money then I think a childminder is the better option as they can give more time and attention to such a young baby.

In my country mat leave is only 4 months in total, and one month has to be taken before the due date. Babies that age will all have been put into nursery and they still grow up to be normal people.

Not a lot of countries have such long leaves as the UK. It's pretty exceptional, I'd take the job in your case.

I think it's very sad that such little importance is put on the important relationship between mother and child and how money has become more important.
Nearly all of my relatives were SAHMs until their children went to school and yes they had to scrimp and save and go without to do that but their children received the best possible bond with their mums and learnt so much.
I had to go back to work when my son was 6 weeks old as I was a single parent in the 1980s and half way through my nursing degree at the time.
I will regret it for the rest of my life that I didn't get those precious first years with my son and I was always tired.
I never got those years back and I never will, some other woman got that time with him.
I suppose it teaches them how to be sociable and independent but that's the only advantage I can think of.
8 plus hours a day is a terrible long time for a child that age to be away from their mum and their family.
If I had my time again I'd have postponed my degree and gone on benefits until my child went to school and then finished my degree.

I definitely couldn't have left my son when he was that little. Especially not in the middle of a pandemic!

and gone on benefits

Ummm no, the system is not there to support you just because you don't want to go back to work. It's meant for those who don't have a choice or who are actively looking for work, not those who don't want to work because it's their preference.

It does make me a bit when people say ‘I could never do it!’ Imagine if, in ten years’ time, maternity leave of 18 or 24 months becomes the norm. You can guarantee those future mums will look back and say ‘I could never leave my baby at only one year old!’

Things don’t suddenly become impossible just because time has passed and legislation changes.

Of course, it’s up to every couple to decide what works best for them, but nobody should kid themself that there’s a ‘best’ way. And it’s already been pointed out that In many other countries, more women are back to work earlier. Also when you look at places like some of the Scandinavian countries, childcare is way more subsidised so mums working more is the norm, and it’s hardly like all their child/ teenage population are suffering mental health problems!

I don't see the issue, you need to make that decision as a couple. Given the upcoming horrific recession, there may not be another job for you for a very long time. How long can you afford to be unemployed? Or maybe you're in a sector where you won't have a problem getting a job regardless of recession. Only you and him can judge the economic risk and the needs of the baby. But, in principle, 4.5 months in full time nursery is totally fine.

Could your DH take some unpaid parental leave to extend further? If your salary is greater than his you can afford it.

Nursery isn't your only option, if it's the element of it being nursery care that is upsetting you, rather than any carer but you.

My eldest was a right pain for EBF and bottle-refusing, but did take a bottle for the childminder - in small amounts, granted, and made up for it by feeding like a monster when I was around. I wasn't full-time, though.

Will your job have any WFH element - lots of places aren't opening up even if they technically can, or having staff in the office on shifts instead of all in at once, so you may have more flex than you think for breastfeeding. They are required to make adjustments for you if you're breastfeeding as well.

It's not too young to be cared for by someone else. You're going to feel a bit guilty whatever you do - it's just how it is when you're a parent. But if the job is a great prospect I would say now would be the time to grasp it.

Such a hard choice to make, I went back to uni when my eldest was 5 months but bottle fed so slightly easier. However I didn’t feel a nursery was what I wanted for him so I found the most amazing childminder she was fab made him homemade amazing lunches and really cared for him, in fact we are still friends now and my son is 19 I finished my nurse training and had 3 more sons but took mat leave with all because I could well no 2 i wasn’t working yet. Do what feels right for you, my son is a well adjusted happy boy which makes me feel my decision was right wasn’t easy leaving him but I knew he loved it there and was content and a happy baby.

Totally unreasonable if it's not what both of you want

Okay, first, this is obviously hard for the OP. So all the "I couldn't do that to my tiny baby boohoo" and "it would be a cold day in Hell/other dramatic objection" is not helpful. Say it wouldn't have been your choice, that you didn't want to. The above doesn't help the OP or anyone else in this situation- it just makes them feel like shit and makes you a virtue signalling snowflake with a need for dramatic language. 🙄

OP, truly, have a think about where you will be when baby is 1-2-3. Will it be easier or harder for you to get a job? Current pandemic aside you've said opportunities like this don't come along that often for your field of employment. This is something to take into consideration.

Could dh go part time and move his days around eg work Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue so there would only be 2 days childcare?

Also see if dh can take shared parental leave? He might get a few weeks at same pay as star maternity pay?

She will be fine, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

It's a totally personal thing, there is no right or wrong and you have to do what is best for your family.

I went back to work when DS was about the same age although he was with a childminder. Personally I think if you are going to have a break when you have kids you're better off doing it when they're at school rather than as tiny babies.

if its an amazing job and you don't think another one like it will come along then personally I think you should take it, especially in this economic climate. Will your DH pitch in and help you out when you've both finished work? As long as you have good support from him then it'll be manageable. it's so hard if you are out of the job market too long to get back into it.

Could your DH be stay at home dad or go part time?

It's up to you. Mine went full time at 16 weeks & really thrived.

If you'd be earning more than your DH, it would be reasonable for him to become a stay at home Dad ? Or maybe he could drop his hours to part time ? That way your income increases, but you don't need to put DD into full time nursery.

Just to note OP - if you do think shared parental leave would be a good solution (and I'd really recommend it - we did it and I really do think it's the main reason why we're the most equal co-parents I know) your DH has to give 8 weeks notice, so you'd need to look into it fast if you want to start work around then. These are the eligibility criteria.

Maternity leave was shorter when I had my DC and DS went to nursery at 5 months. TBH I don't understand these "you'll never get the time back" comments. By and large 4 and 5 months old babies are not very interesting. You would be better to take the job, prove yourself as invaluable and then negotiate a flexible working/part time arrangement in a year or so. Then you'll be able to spend more time at home with your toddler/young school age child.

I think not taking a job in current economic climate is a very risky strategy. It also sounds like your finances are not that strong, so arguably you don't have a choice anyway.

You would be better to take the job, prove yourself as invaluable and then negotiate a flexible working/part time arrangement in a year or so. Then you'll be able to spend more time at home with your toddler/young school age child.

Obviously I'm biased but that's exactly what I've done and I'm pretty happy with it. I went back full-time at six months (though DH did then have four months at home with DS), switched jobs/careers when DS was one for another full-time job but where I thought part-time working was more likely then, 9 months on, applied for and got agreement to work 4.5 days over 4, and meanwhile DH has also dropped a day a week. My only option initially was to go back full-time or not at all and I'm glad I did take a longer view as if I'd quit work then I don't think I'd be in nearly as good a position now.

My mum was headhunted for a role and started when I was six weeks old (my parents were skint when I was little so they really needed the money) and I was looked after by my gran and a childminder. I don't have any attachment issues; my mum said she could have left me with a stranger in the street and I wouldn't have batted an eye.

You say it's a great job so I would take it. It would advance your career and you could spend the next couple of years building some social capital with a view to negotiating part time if you wanted to.