Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

@Hardbackwriter

I wish people wouldn't say they 'couldn't' have done it. They mean they didn't want to and would have found it really upsetting, which is a totally legitimate way to feel, but the language of 'I couldn't' rather than 'I wouldn't' is so unnecessarily blaming.

Thank you for picking up on this.

I always say "I couldn't have done it" and I shall make an effort not to say that in future. I've never realised how it could be view before.

Illegitiminoncarborundum

"a partnership is 50% each. And the OP is asking in this situation that it is her DH contributes 100% financially even though they need more money.

So logically, it isn't fair."

I'm not sure I agree that partnerships are always 50/50 all the time. Sometimes one person does more of one thing or more or less of another. And if it really is 50/50 how do two people make a decision when they feel differently.

As I say, if they were likely to be homeless of seriously financially damaged by the decision not to go back to work at this point, then it may well be the best decision to go back to this job. And it is a very hard financial situation at the moment.

But I'd still come back to how the choice is made. If there is one choice, two people both with an 'equal' vote then how is made fair.

I could go on but I think we won't agree, which is totally fine.

@Magenta83 is quite right - loads of French mums go back to work at 4 months. So it’s certainly not crazy. Plenty of American mums go back at 6 weeks. You’ve got to do what you need to do - making money for your family is caring for them too

I went back to work at 16 weeks with DS3 for financial reasons, 9-3 every day. It was horrible, he found it hard and suffered separation anxiety until he was 6, cried going into nursery/school every single day even though he was quite happy after about 10 minutes. I'm pretty sure it was because he was too young to be separated from me. His brothers were fine with the same routine but not starting till they were 8 months.

Whilst I'm sure your baby will be safe, I'd say don't do it unless you have to. I'd also suggest a childminder who could give him more 1:1 attention and keep him in a more homely environment.

If the job is well paid - hire a nanny. Trained, a career nanny and experienced with v young babies.

If only moderately paid - Find a childminder who is warm, professional and respects your ideas about the care of your daughter.

In both these scenarios if the job is good, you enjoy it and it will help with your career progression it is worth whatever it costs provided you at least break even.

If the role is low paid- I‘d wait until you can access partially funded childcare from the government.

I wouldn't want to leave baby at 4.5 months but would at 7-8 months.

Securing a job would be my priority in this climate, especially if it is a good opportunity.

One wage entering a recession is more risky.

Sorry, I've realised your baby is a girl, not the "he" that comes automatically to me when talking about babies!

Can your husband take some shared parental leave and look after her for a couple of months?

Or can you both negotiate compressed hours so that you each get a day at home with her?

Or ask new job if you can start on 3 days building to 5 over the next 6 months?

I would be pissed off at your husband insisting it's fine if you don't feel entirely comfortable about it. It is very little. Personally I would look for a childminder rather than a nursery for a baby.

" I got an amazing job offer..." Is this a job you really want to do, amazing in the sense of great for you. Or is it just amazing in terms of money? Or something else.

plplz congratulations on the baby and best of luck with whatever you (and your partner) decide to do about your working situation.

Thanks @backseatcookers and @Illegitiminoncarborundum. I went back full-time when DS was six months and so many other women told me they 'couldn't' have left their babies like that and I found it very upsetting.

My daughter went in to nursery at that age. As did my son. Both are doing fab now years later. Son took to bottles of my milk like a dream (too much in fact I was like a cow!) Daughter refused bottle but I fed before I left, left milk to make baby rice with and then cooked with my milk too in purrees and then she fed when I returned and over night. She's now 12 and in fine fettle. I did worry about them both but they settled well once used to things.

DS1 was just under 4 months when he went to nursery full time, both of us coped fine although I would have liked a little more time with him (new job while pregnant and didn't want to let them down). DS2 was 5.5 months when he went and I really thought I wasn't going to be able to get him to nursery as he wouldn't take a bottle. Eventually got him to take milk from a "soft spout" rather than a teat but he coped brilliantly. He was very unsettled as a young baby but nursery really helped and gave me a bit of a "break". DS3 was a bit older and probably took the longest to settle. I didn't have the luxury of parents close by either but I think nursery has helped my boys be the confident, adaptable individuals they are today.

My DS is nearly 35 and I left him with a good childminder 3 days a week at 3 months old. Mat leave in those days was short and I was considered very lucky to be allowed to work part-time.

He and his younger sister had many advantages growing up because of the additional income this allowed. They have both done well in life and have no problems about the decisions made when they were tiny.

Possibly you could negotiate part-time hours until DC is settled in childcare. Giving up a good job opportunity puts you in difficult position if you need the extra income whilst your children are growing up. In an ideal world many women would stay at home with their children, but this is hard to achieve in the modern world.

We can't answer whether YABU or NBU - it's a personal thing.

But to give a personal perspective: I went back to work FT when ds was 4 months old (that was all the maternity leave we got back then if you wanted to be guaranteed your old job back). He was happy and I was happy . He was EBF (fed him until he was 13 months old: expressed in the 1st Aid room at work and stored it in the fridge there - although when I was away on work trips I had to be innovative with where I pumped ) - but he was used to taking bottles of EBM from quite early on, so that was never a problem.

I was also fortunate that he also slept too well from early on, so I didn't have the problem of sleepless nights

Yes, I know I was extremely fortunate and that if we'd been able to have another one, it could have been very different

I wouldn't. It was tough leaving mine at 9months. But plenty do and its your choice

However I agree with PP. Why can't your DH take shared paternal leave?

Can you DH take leave for a few months while you take the higher paying job?

My first went at 12m and I personally felt that she didn’t really benefit from it until she was around 18m. She’d have much rather been with me. I don’t think you can kid yourself that there would be any benefit to a 4m old being in nursery but it may be that it is a price worth paying especially in these current times. With my second I interviewed for a dream role during mat leave that would have meant returning to work earlier than planned. I didn’t get the job but was adamant that if I had to go back before a year, it would be a nanny or a childminder setting. I love my nursery and the staff but I really don’t think they are the best places for small babies.

I would think it too young, but then again, I would not have a baby and put the child in any nursery at all, or with a child minder etc.

I think it's far too young, personally. If I really had to go back to work I would hire a nanny.

My DD went full time at a Childminder's from that age. You have to do what you have to do to support your family

Go for the job.it is 8 weeks from now. She might take a bottle by then. Having a job has never been more important than in the current situation . 4 months is young. But plenty go at that ages op. Your dd wouldnt be the youngest nor the only month old

If you're gonna out-earn your husband then another possibility is you take the job and he quits his to take care of the baby. That's what I'd do (that's actually what we did).

I think it’s more complicated than whether your baby will be ‘fine’ in nursery (she’ll no doubt be ok, but it’s probably not ideal). Will your Dh take on 50% of all childcare outside work hours, including night time care and feeds? There’s no way I’d go back full time with a 4 month old unless I was confident dh would do 50% of all childcare and home tasks outside work hours. Could he take parental leave for a few months so you can focus on settling into your new job? I would want answers to those questions before going any further. I would also personally be more comfortable with a childminder than a nursery at that age, or perhaps a nanny a couple of days a week and nursery/childminder for the other days. Could you look at other child care options rather than just nursery? Do you work in a field where there are still a lot of jobs or is this a rare opportunity given the current climate? That is probably a key factor in this decision. My personal preference was that my dc didn’t go to nursery at that age (both started at 12 months) and that they didn’t go full time until they were 3, but if our financial situation or personal preference were different I’d have made a different decision. If you do take the job, I’d be looking at what other support you need - for example, a weekly or fortnightly cleaner makes our lives much easier and reduces arguments now we both work full time. We also get regular home-cooked frozen meal deliveries to make weeknights easier. I’d look at all aspects of how your lives will work. Will your dh do 50% of nursery/childminder pickups/drop offs? That’s another non-negotiable for us!

From a settling point of view babies of that age settle much quicker than babies about 9mths.

The idea of working full time with such a young baby sounds hard work though with the broken nights still but it depends what your family needs most.

If you’ve had an amazing job offer it suggests you were looking to return to work? How secure if your husbands job at present?