Husband thinks 4.5 months old is ok to go to Nursery full time

[plplz]

So I have a 12 week old lovely girl. But I'm not on maternity leave, I'm unemployed. I got an amazing job offer but issue is they want to me to start when DD will be about 20 weeks old.

My girl is EBF and refusing the bottle. She screams and cries and I can't stand hearing her so upset, so naturally I'm feeling very terrible about the prospect of starting a role and putting her in nursery so young, with her struggling with the bottle and feeling so well on the breast.

Husband thinks sending her to nursery so small is fine, but I just can't stand the idea.

Who is unreasonable here? Is 4.5 months really too small for her to go into nursery? I feel bloody selfish.

Mine went to nursery full time from six months old - that was the standard maternity leave then. Nursery was brilliant and they are still in contact with the staff. My career wouldn’t have survived me being off longer.

A lot of the answers on here are good and under normal circumstances worth considering fully but imo not really helpful or relevant right now .
In the current climate you’d honestly be mad not to take this job .
You don’t know the future and jobs are going to be really hard to come by .Redundancies are happening now and will increase .
This is the best thing that you can do for your baby right now .. secure financial income for your family is a priority.
Baby will be fine ... it will all just fall into place .

Congratulations on both the baby and the job.x

PP makes a good point about paternity leave. Especially if you are going to be earning more than your DH.

You go back to work and he takes paternity leave, by the time his paternity leave has run out, baby will be significantly older. DH gets bonding time with DC, you get additional home support so you can settle into new job better and you don’t have the situation where you are both working full time but only you have the full hands on confidence and competency with the baby and so end up with more of the baby work by default/because it’s easier/etc.

@Orchidsindoors

SandieCheeks

"Nurseries aren't really ideal for such small babies, but I would be happy with a good childminder."

Why arent nurseries ideal? I'd say they were better for babies than childminders as they are in a baby room with lots of pairs of eyes keeping an eye on them. Whereas with a childminder she can have up to 9 kids of different ages and lots if conflicting needs for her attention. Plus if your childminder gets sick, you cant take your child, whereas in a nursery staff will be moved in from different rooms to cover.

I've worked in nurseries and managed a baby room, and it's just not what I'd choose for a baby (especially one so young) - they have emotional/attachment needs that are so important and need a stable, responsive adult to bond with.

A childminder might have "9 kids of different ages" but only one baby and a couple of toddler/preschoolers. The attention needs of older children after school are quite different to looking after several babies - you can easily cuddle a baby while also having a conversation with a couple of 8 year olds.

You're right though that nurseries will move staff around to provide cover and staff will work shifts, but that is a downside of nursery for me. It depends what your priorities are.

Returning to work with a 4 month old by baby isn’t something I would consider myself.
I suppose you have to weigh up the benefits. Some people wouldn’t dream of it, others would have no issue. It’s a very personal choice

Heading into a recession, I’d take the job. How secure is your DH’s job? You’ll be spreading the risk and securing the families finances.

This was very normal 20 years ago and many a loved baby has now grown up into a much loved and fully functioning adult.

Normally I'd say stay home a bit longer if you want but a good job offer at the moment might be your only chance of employment for a while.

I'd try childminders first though.

It’s fine for you to leave your child at nursery if you need to work. Turning down a good job right now would be a bold move!

If you’re not comfortable could your husband take a couple of months of shared parental leave?

Take the job. See if you can negotiate part-time for a while or a later start, and definitely consider a childminder or nanny. But take the job.

My DD went to nursery 5 times a week but only did 1 full day from 8.5 months. That was fine for us. My friend’s DD went at 12 weeks full time and she was fine as well.

In an ideal world you may want to leave it later but we don’t live in an ideal world.

You need to do what is right for your family - other people’s choices are not yours so focus on what seems right for you all.

Look at maternity leave in the EU - many kids go back at 3 moths. It's totally up to you and your partner though.

Discussion needed.

Personally i wouldn’t do it. 4 months is too young. But it’s what you want at the end of the day.

Op it's not ideal but you've got to do what you need to do. I'd be far to worried about financial security not to take it.

Baby will be fine. The one suggestion I do have is get a sling so when you collect her you can have her attached to you while you sort dinner etc. DS was 11 months going to nurseries and when he got home, my arms is where he wanted to be.

I wish people wouldn't say they 'couldn't' have done it. They mean they didn't want to and would have found it really upsetting, which is a totally legitimate way to feel, but the language of 'I couldn't' rather than 'I wouldn't' is so unnecessarily blaming.

A lot of people are suggesting that your DH take shared parental leave, which would be a good solution if he’s eligible. I don’t know how long you have been unemployed for, but if you worked for 26 weeks in the 66 weeks before the baby was due then he should be.

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/eligibility-for-birth-parents

He’ll also get statutory pay until the baby is 39 weeks.

If he’s not eligible for shared parental leave then he should be entitled to (unpaid) parental leave - employees are entitled to 18 weeks of unpaid leave for each child and can take 4 weeks each year.

www.gov.uk/parental-leave

If your DH feels strongly about it and you feel strongly that you don't want your baby left full time then you need to discuss options and come up with some alternatives

1. he goes part time or compressed hours to cover a day or 2
2. you speak to the job about postponing start date or starting part time.
3. you both take leave one or two days a week until your baby is an age you are happy with
4. you look for another job instead.

Like many others, my eldest went at that age (for 3 days a week). It's what most people who worked did then, as maternity leave was 4 months. He was perfectly fine. It was actually much harder with my youngest, who went at about 8 or 9 months.

I would take the job.

If it is a place you would trust with a six month old, it should be okay with the baby now.

@Hardbackwriter

I wish people wouldn't say they 'couldn't' have done it. They mean they didn't want to and would have found it really upsetting, which is a totally legitimate way to feel, but the language of 'I couldn't' rather than 'I wouldn't' is so unnecessarily blaming.

This is really well put. When there is choice it's 'I wouldn't' but when it's not it's literally 'couldn't' which are totally different circumstances.

@AntiHop

Could you negotiate a later start date? 3 or 4 months? If you want you, they'll wait. My sister lost her job when she was pregnant. She got a new job and they waited 6 months for her to start.

This is what I would do. No harm in asking for an extra couple of months, and them making your decision based on what they say. You might feel more comfortable putting a 6 month old in nursery, and it'll give you more tone to get used to the idea.

I'd get back into work now, while you have been offered the opportunity to more than double your household income.

I would use a childminder for the first few months at that age. One of mine started nursery at 5 months and I found it very tough and was so grateful for the day they were with grandmother instead of at nursery. Thing about nurseries is no matter how great they are, there’s staff turnover, your child will be introduced to lots of different people constantly, and when staff go on holidays, new people.

At that age attaching to a main carer is key so if I could do it again I’d have saved us both the stress and heartbreak and put him in a childminders before the age of the 1.

But it’s up to you- in this climate jobs are not a given so if you need the work/money, I would give it a go.

In terms of breastfeeding, your baby will get used to the new environment and will learn to take a bottle, or (like mine did) will wait until you get home and then cluster feed all evening.

Anything is manageable if you put your mind to it- our children are more adaptable than we give them credit for.

I’d take the job.

As it’s better than your DH’s salary, I agree with all the pps who have mentioned him taking shared parental leave.

Seems the ideal solution.

My dd wouldn’t take a bottle for a long time until we tried playtex ones - at the time you needed to order from America, but now I think you can get them from U.K. amazon.

^^
My dd needed prescription formula due to a health condition so it was important that she would take it!

thinking it comes down to this (the extremes) I had a SAHM who boasted about it. She was a complete narc abuser and it's taken me 50 years to get over it. I have lovely US colleagues who have had the 3 month birth to work maternity leave and have wonderful (if knackering early years) relationships with their lovely children. It really is quality not quantity - nobody's perfect xxx

If it's better paid than your husband's can he not take shared parental leave for a while? Money will still be tightish but only in the short term as you will have secured a well paid job