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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What has parenthood taught you?

127 replies

RedSky100 · 13/08/2020 19:50

Having children has often felt the me like I’m holding a mirror up to myself, where i’m reflected in all my ugliness & glory. What have you learnt since having kids & do you feel better for it or are you still in the process of learning/change?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 14/08/2020 10:38

That motherhood ain't all it's cracked up to be.

I couldn't in all fairness recommend that any woman has a baby unless she really really really really wants to, and goes into it with her eyes wide open.

It's totally life buggering.

Luckystar1 · 14/08/2020 10:41

It has shown me things I’ve always known about myself but amplified.

For instance: I’ve always been a bit of a control freak and I have very high expectations. This was ok when it was of myself, but so much harder when you are asking it of others, especially little children.

I take the responsibility very seriously, but I worry that in doing so I miss out on some of the fun! In my moments of inhibition I can see the children are utterly delighted by the person I am then, and I would love to be like that more frequently.

It’s also shown me that I have a short temper, but only when really pushed. But once I’ve been tipped over the edge it’s like an inferno.

That I love rules and expect them to be followed (but also cherish independent thinking... so you know... I’m just a complete contradiction)

BlueRaincoat1 · 14/08/2020 10:41
  • as said above, I can survive on relatively little sleep.
  • that lack of sleep is quite aging though...
  • that I am nowhere near as patient as I thought I was
  • that I really hate food mess / mess at meal times. I suppose I sort of knew that before, always hated the idea of food fights, but God I find it disproportionately stressful.
Colom · 14/08/2020 10:42

That I lack patience and being a parent isn’t something that comes naturally to me.

Yes I really, truly thought I'd be all "earth mother" and would love it all. Turns out I hate being a parent about 90% of the time - this has come as a huge shock!

Also I've learnt I'm a monster when sleep deprived. BUT in spite of all the crap parts it's definitely made me grow and look at my flaws in a way that I'm finally able to see them clearly enough to take action to try and change them - for my DCs sake more than anything. It has been somewhat transformative.

Lockdownseperation · 14/08/2020 10:42

Babies are boring until they are start moving. Cuddling your children in bed is one of the best things in the world. The twee quote “happiness is a journey not a destination” is true.

LivingForPinkGin · 14/08/2020 10:42

That I am not a natural mother. I have to try very hard to be patient and be the mum that I want to be, it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

I wish I had travelled/did more before I had a child.

One child is enough for me and I will never have any more.

Colom · 14/08/2020 10:44

that I really hate food mess / mess at meal times. I suppose I sort of knew that before, always hated the idea of food fights, but God I find it disproportionately stressful.

God yes that's another one - the complete overwhelm by the mess. I knew kids were messy but it causes me a ridiculous amount of angst.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 14/08/2020 10:51

How weird I am. I didn't realise how many odd things DH and I said until they were getting parroted back at us.

Oh and how much I don't like mess, I always thought I was a fairly messy person, but I constantly frustrated about how messy our kitchen is, although that's probably got more to do with DH than DS tbh!

Newbiehere123 · 14/08/2020 10:51

That I use all my patience for my dc ONLY and have none left for anyone else. Any judgement or criticism to me will receive a death stare or punch in the throat as I'm less tolerant towards anyone. Babies/kids are very hard work and tiring. Don't mess with a sleep deprived mumma and the funny thing is, it's always the older generation or other mummas that give you the judging look. Just because you've had placid babies doesn't mean you are the best at managing babies.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 14/08/2020 10:59

@Luckystar1

It has shown me things I’ve always known about myself but amplified.

For instance: I’ve always been a bit of a control freak and I have very high expectations. This was ok when it was of myself, but so much harder when you are asking it of others, especially little children.

I take the responsibility very seriously, but I worry that in doing so I miss out on some of the fun! In my moments of inhibition I can see the children are utterly delighted by the person I am then, and I would love to be like that more frequently.

It’s also shown me that I have a short temper, but only when really pushed. But once I’ve been tipped over the edge it’s like an inferno.

That I love rules and expect them to be followed (but also cherish independent thinking... so you know... I’m just a complete contradiction)

100% this, every word of it!
LilaButterfly · 14/08/2020 11:05

Im not as calm and collected as i thought.

Original poster
RedSky100 · 14/08/2020 11:06

Personally I think I’ve learnt so much about my limitations - I know when to call time on something before I get overwhelmed. I manage my time so much better.

I’ve realised a job is just a job, that money doesn’t have any real value unless you’re doing something meaningful with it. Prior to kids I was more outward-looking for stimulation/life experience. Now I place my energy where it’s most needed & find it easy to sack off the things that don’t deliver any value.

I don’t try & please people who don’t matter & who won’t give anything positive in return. (Most applicable at work.)

OP posts:
RedPandaFluff · 14/08/2020 11:09

Someone once told me that "the days are long but the years are short" and now that DD is eight months old, I'm beginning to realise this is true. After a bad patch a few months in, where every day felt like an endless repetitive cycle of drudgery, now time is zipping by and I want to savour every moment.

RedPandaFluff · 14/08/2020 11:10

Oh and also that mummy's mobile phone is always the most exciting and wanted toy no matter what else is on offer Hmm

rebecca102 · 14/08/2020 11:22

I have zero patience, being a parent is harder than what I ever imagined, I can't stand the mess but I also didn't realise how much I could love someone.

Curiosity101 · 14/08/2020 11:31

The biggest thing I've learnt is to slow down and appreciate the now. I'm consciously less career focused for now. I'm going back to work full time but I'm looking at going part time within the next year, and staying part time until DS gets to school age.

Also that there's no sense planning things outside of your control and having strong opinions on how you will/won't do things. You'll only set yourself up to 'fail' when you can't meet your ideals.

I've also learnt that most people are just trying to do their best and there's no right/wrong way to parent. I've never been overly opinionated on other people's parenting, but I'm extra careful now to make sure I don't comment on how other people do things. On that point, I've also learnt that once they're a parent lots of people think they know everything about parenting yours and everyone else's children.

ginsparkles · 14/08/2020 11:36

Patience, and that all I thought I would do as a parent, I don't do. That I enjoy it more than I thought it would. My younger self never wanted kids. My mummy self absolutely loves being a mum, and is glad fate played its hand and made me change my job and focus on family instead.

LittleAtlas · 14/08/2020 11:36

It's taught me that before you have kids, nobody tells you the truth about how hard it actually is.
I'm another one that feels motherhood hasn't come as easy as I expected. I definitely don't have as much patience as I thought I did
I've realised how important but rare time to myself or with my partner is, but during that time I'm most likely still thinking about or talking about the baby and not relaxing at all

dingledongle · 14/08/2020 11:38

Parenthood has taught me that, despite loving my children and the people they have become, it has come at huge cost to my physical and mental health.

As a women, and a feminist, I cannot express how different my life would have been without them.

My family have shown little interest or practical help which has also impacted on how difficult it has been for me.

I love them and they are wonderful individuals but I would have chosen another more selfish life Sad

rabbitheadlights · 14/08/2020 11:38

Pick your battles.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/08/2020 11:57

I never really understood how much women were disadvantaged in society or grasped how important feminism was until I had a child.

The exploitation doesn't usually start until you're at your most vulnerable (physically, financially, emotionally). Once you have a child, and unless you are financially independent, you're basically at the mercy of patriarchy. And if your partner isn't supportive you're in deep shit.

EnidMatilda · 14/08/2020 12:02

It's taught me not to judge other parents. I truly believe there are no rights or wrongs in parenting, just individual choices for individual children.

That being a teacher hasn't helped me be a better mother as much as I thought it would. It's very different. Although I would say I have more patience, I suppose.

Sleep is everything and I'm a better person when well rested.

Laaalaaaa · 14/08/2020 12:10

That I’m every bit the useless person I thought I was - multiplied it actually.

LivingForPinkGin · 14/08/2020 12:13

Also that sexism is very much a thing! I will always be judged for going back to work full time after my maternity leave by my family and friends. My husband on the other hand has never ever been questioned even though I am the higher earner!

BillywigSting · 14/08/2020 12:20

That I am significantly more patient than I thought I was but that I also hold my dc to higher standards than I was raised with because I want their adult lives to be easier than mine.

That it is utterly terrifying having your heart walking about on its own in the world getting bumped and bruised and there being little you can do to protect it from the horrors of the world.

That curiosity should never ever ever be discouraged.

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