To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

PlumsInTheIcebox except it hasn’t and 90% of responses have been respectful calm and open to discussion. I expected a range of opinions. What I did not expect was to be told that because of my sexuality I shouldn’t have an opinion on such topics. That one came as a surprise yes.

I was pressured into unprotected sex many times. Men just don't want to use condoms or take responsibility for not getting women pregnant because deep down they know they won't have to deal with the consequences in the same way. Younger women are especially susceptible to this but older women still have to put up with it too.

There will probably always be men like this. Unfortunately therefore it has to be up to women to raise their bar and not be with men like this. I think men like that are deeply unattractive, why do women sleep with them? 🤢

Her point though is that there are certain dynamics in het relationships that are relevant. (Generalising obv).

And that maybe you need to focus on that- the men and the women and so on, rather than just the women. Because that omits a lot of the story.

So, what do you think?

@Change17

SarahAndQuack right... honestly it’s 6.10am I’ve had 2 hours sleep so really don’t have the will or energy to debate this but if you think that my sexuality means I can’t ask questions about topics that don’t directly apply to me me “judgy” and “goady” then that’s on you and I probably can’t change your mind. I assume you feel the same that straight people should never question lgbtq+ issues ? It’s just an odd way to view things. Also please Point where on Earth I “insist I shouldn’t know about basic heterosexual sex”. Never once did I “insist” this I admitted that yes I don’t know a lot... why would I? Do you know a lot about lesbian or gay sex?? I just find this narrative that as a gay woman I shouldn’t take an interest in topics that I can’t necessarily relate to a bit strange. But you seem set on your view so, my words will probably fall on deaf ears

Please stop pretending I've said things I haven't.

I think it is perfectly normal to be curious about experiences you don't share - straight, gay, whatever.

What I don't think is ok is to pull out the 'ooh I'm so gay I can't know anything about straight sex' card and then cry foul when someone else does the same.

You don't know very basic things about straight sex, because you don't know that withdrawal doesn't really work. It is basic, sorry.

I probably know about the same amount about lesbian sex as you. Dunno, really.

But I don't go around judging straight women for contraception failures, so I'm not sure why I'm the issue here.

I think the majority of genuine surprise pregnancies are due to contraception failing, im due my 3rd very soon and this was a big surprise as I was on the pill and sex wasn't regular as I was due to get my tubes clamped.
There are also women that will say surprise pregnancy because they have been trying for so long and have given up hope then one day miss a period.

As for the women that use no contraception but have unprotected sex and act surprised id say they are possibly less educated?

(Or even, judging straight women for unplanned pregnancies, since I do acknowledge the conversation has taken a turn that way that you'd not introduced yourself.)

Surely we are all genetically programmed to reproduce. All the contraception available can't fight that, and nature will find a way. We are all just animals after all.

NiceGerbil I have never once denied that a lot of
Men pressure their partners into having sex without a condom. I’m gay not completely stupid! I know this happens a lot. I know a lot of men say they’ll withdraw and don’t. I know a lot of men are weirdly defensive about not getting the snip even though they claim to not want children at the time. I absolutely am aware of all of these things.
I still however hold my view that If your partner hasn’t worn a condom and hasn’t withdrawn, then you can’t really feign surprise at a pregnancy. It’s lot a “mistake” if precautions weren’t made to start with whether that me the man the woman or both.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve had friends who’ve been livid with their partners for not pulling out and have been straight to get the morning after pill. But if you do happen to get pregnant because of this it can’t really be a surprise, surely ?

I often wonder why more men don’t get the snip since it’s reversible.

What? No. Not reliably. Vasectomy isn’t a LARC.

I was 25. drunk and foolish. No other reason. Had a ONS. Took MAP but it didn't work. 14 years later I have my lovely DS (and DD who was planned).

I think the point is that you think it's a "whole other discussion" when it is in fact at the very least half of the discussion.

You seem a bit surprised that this thread has some hostility, and I don't know why. As you said, unplanned pregnancies are common, and many of them result in births. If you come to a mothering forum and essentially scratch your chin over why other women aren't as clever as you would be in the same situation, what do you think will happen? On AIBU too - well known for flaming?

The fact is, to most people this is obvious. Sex is a biological imperative whilst taking pills or putting on condoms is not. Humans are flawed, impulsive and make mistakes. Young humans especially. There's a big power imbalance between the sexes that exacerbates these problems.

Making a thread like this does seem like having a dig at women, when it's not as if the reasons behind unplanned pregnancies haven't been well documented and researched. You could have looked up any number of websites full of stats and research and yet you came here. Why?

SarahAndQuack righto. If you want to take my curiosity on the matter As judgement then that’s fine. I clearly won’t change your mind.
I’m not sorry though for knowing very little about the pullout method. No I don’t know much, why would I? My one sex Ed lesson in year 8 I’ve long since forgotten and since I don’t have sex with men I’ve never really felt the need to educate myself on it. If anything you’re the one coming across as judgemental because I’m (admittedly) naive about a lot of areas

@Change17

NiceGerbil woah what’s happening. I said I completely agree with you? You both seem to be implying that I’m somehow putting all the blame on women in these situations. I’ve often asked myself why men don’t get the snip more since it’s reversible I’m not sure where it came across that I didn’t agree with what you said

NHS:

It's estimated that the success rate of a vasectomy reversal is:

75% if you have your vasectomy reversed within 3 years

up to 55% after 3 to 8 years

between 40% and 45% after 9 to 14 years

30% after 15 to 19 years

less than 10% after 20 years

And it's not readily available on the NHS either.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/vasectomy-reversal-nhs/

@SarahAndQuack

I do however think that if I were having sex with men, I would certainly have done my research on all of this to make sure I’d avoid pregnancies as far as I possibly could.

It must be lovely to be perfect.

I am sure there are people out there who have chaotic lives, or who are dishonest, or whatever, and who deserve to feel a bit guilty that they didn't take precautions and had a baby who wasn't wanted/couldn't be looked after.

My sense is that, for at least some of those people, there are enough bad things in their lives that I feel more sorry for them than inclined to judge.

The rest of the people you're talking about are just using a normal colloquial phrase. 'Was it planned?' 'Ooh, no, a lovely surprise!' Or 'bit of a shock!'

It's not 'perfection', it's not taking obvious risks.

Generally accepted risks include:

No contraception.

Assuming no risk of conception.

They just about cover it.

I agree OP - it reminds me of the days of The Jeremy Kyle Show, when his guests would say "we'd been having sex with no condoms, I couldn't believe it when I found out I was pregnant", like they don't realise humans reproduce BY having sex. So yes OP I totally understand what you're saying!

Ahh yes the withdrawal method. That's how I got my 4th DC 😂

People don't always act logically.
They can be impulsive.

You said: As a gay woman I’ve never really felt the need to clue myself up on the subject lol [...] I do however think that if I were having sex with men, I would certainly have done my research on all of this to make sure I’d avoid pregnancies as far as I possibly could.

Then you got all snippy when someone, quite reasonably, asked you why you were interested, as a lesbian.

You were the person who'd said you weren't clued up because of your sexuality - that you'd never felt the need to be.

It is not fair to say that and then imply someone else is being homophobic because they took you at your word. It's goady.

As well as that some people are ignorant or think it won't happen to me.

DD was a not really "surprise".

Not really because we didn't use any form of contraception.

Surprise because we had unprotected sex for years, I had no periods for a year or even longer sometimes, and no period the year I got pregnant.

We actually started talking that it might be time to see a doctor and see what's going on .

So yeah a surprise, but not really.

Also I remember reading a study that there is a genetic reason why some women don't respond to contraception. So rather than being drunk, stupid,forgetful,user error etc , their bodies don't react to the pill as they should . I'll see if I can find it again.

I think a lot of people convince themselves they dont want kids, but their actions completely say otherwise

@miljea, what I'm getting at is that (excluding people who have a lot of trouble in their lives) many people don't feel pregnancy is a risk they're too bothered about.

IME it is quite common for someone to say 'yes, it's unplanned, a surprise' when they're perfectly happy with the situation and/or wish to convey that they weren't ttc frantically, but are quite relaxed about the fact they're now knocked up.

My friend had an "accident" she said she was planning a 4th baby in the future and as it took a year to get pregnant with her other 3 so she thought it just wouldn't happen straight away. So she called her fourth an accident because she didn't expect it to happen! It's not though is it If contraceptives where used and properly at least most the time we have a lot less "accidents"

The snip is reversible?

First I've heard!

I don't think the NHS will be keen on funding cut, mend, cut, mend will they!

And I can't see many men, esp the irresponsible ones, going for it. Many don't want to even when they are responsible!

Condoms are a way easier option! Plus of course there are things you can do other than PIV - oral etc.

But where we are at is that:
Het sex often defaults to PIV
Women carry most of the risk
And are expected to bear responsibility for contraception
And as per this thread are blamed if things go wrong (just seen a polite version of keep your legs shut)

Society has this view and also judges mothers immensely over a massive range of things. Also fathers are not adequately required to support children that they have.

That's the picture as I see it.

As a lesbian most of this is just off the radar. And it's important in understanding what's going on.

Although you seem to have got a handle on the judgey side of things.

Some people must lie about using protection properly because there can't be that many accidental pregnancies.