To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

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I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

Genuine contraceptive failures are exceptionally rare. Usually they happen only when they are failed to be used properly, but no-one is ever going to admit that once they’re pregnant.

Getting pregnant when not using contraception is just sheer stupidity and is blatant proof that the woman actually doesn’t mind getting pregnant so shouldn’t be acting all shocked and surprised when she does.

And second accidental pregnancies are just bullshit. If I’d fallen pregnant after a contraceptive failure then I’d make bloody sure it didn’t happen again. Doubling up on contraception, different brand, plus condom - there’s not a chance it would happen again...

Graphista dear god in heaven. Where on EARTH have I mentioned homophobia??? Sorry but that’s really really bugged me. As someone who has been on the receiving end of it many times, I NEVER accuse anyone of it without damn good reason. I have not once accused anyone of being homophobic.

You, like someone else who has berated me for hours now, seem to think that because I’d want to learn more about sex Ed, I somehow see myself as superior for this?? Please pleas explain to me why me saying “my own sex Ed was crap I admittedly am very ignorant about a lot of things, so if I were to have sex with men I’d want to clue myself up a bit more” is in any way a bad thing?? My goodness. Do you think people who educate themselves on stds are “smug” for doing so??

I can’t believe I have to repeat this AGAIN. You have mentioned several things on her that are totally irrelevant to my question. My question was aimed at, and ONLY aimed at, pregnancy that occur when precisely zero methods of contraception or preventative methods have been used. By this I mean, no pill, no implant, no condom, both couples are perfectly aware that they are fertile, no withdraw, and yet- are somehow surprised when they find out they are pregnant. And as much as you and a certain other poster are trying to vilify me for this, a lot of PPs have agreed with me.

Please do not comment on my friendships. What a mean thing to do. 99% of the times I went to get the MAP or a pregnancy test with my friends, they’d laugh about it. Mock themselves for being reckless. Tease each other. I used to say OPENLY. To their FACES “really.. again?” When going to get a MAP for the 5th time that month. Perhaps you didn’t have a “phase” in your 20s but it’s very common thst a lot of girls do and from my experience, my friends at uni would tend to laugh it off and not make a big deal of it. A PP even commented saying she found herself pregnant at 19 through being careless and fully accepted and expected the lectures from her family and friends for it. So please do not presume you know anything about my friendships.

You have completely manipulated what I’ve said, in a similar way another poster did. So I will say well done because honestly I find it really quite intelligent the way you’ve gone about this. You’ve made me even question what I’ve said myself.

But I will say don’t you ever accuse someone of “playing a card” whether it be race, sexuality, gender, when that very clearly is not what is happening. That’s probably pissed me off more than anything else on this thread.

My life, MN is filled with some shocking people. I consider myself to be a thick skinned person and even I'm getting upset on behalf of OP for the venom being spat at her. The twisting and misuse of words is something to behold.

I'm sincerely curious as to why wanting to better educate oneself is "smug" ? I did a fuck load of my own research into STDs since I learnt sweet f all at school. I wonder if I am "smug" for this.

OP, don't take the bait from Graphista. She's clearly wanting you to bite and has done it in a highly unpleasant way. I really think maybe I should stick to Facebook groups where admin and moderators are continually checking on posts and intervening when things get out of hand, removing members and keeping people in check. MN is just a free for all for keyboard warriors who love that they will never be held accountable for their actions.

I got pregnant on the map. My cousin got pregnant on the pill. Shit happens!

malificent7 yes, but as I’ve said possibly 10 times now, I’m not referring to pregnancies that occur despite taking precautions.

I'm with you OP and I did have an unplanned pregnancy. Not long after I was pregnant with (planned) DD2, DH and I didn't have sex for as we had just lost a baby beforehand and I had a bit of irrational fear (as did DH to be honest). After the birth we didn't get our sex life back. It wasn't until she was a year and a half (so around 2 years of no sex for DH and I) that we finally got the urge and went for it. I was still breastfeeding but not on contraceptives. We never stopped to think. It was just once. I was BFing.

Hello DS! I got pregnant that night.

It wasn't a bad thing but we were surprised it was a result of one single event in 2 years. Not hugely surprised though. Unprotected sex does cause babies!

A friend however has managed to fall pregnant 6 times with 6 men all within the first two or three months of dating. None intended. Apparently.

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say contraception isn't a thing there.

Eh, maybe OP didn't realise what she was getting herself into by posting a highly controversial thread in a section of Mumsnet well known for flame wars, on a website full of women who have experienced unplanned pregnancies.

I guess sometimes when we do something that is likely to lead to a negative outcome, but seems like a good idea at the time, we are still shocked when that negative outcome happens to us.

Maybe there's a lesson in here somewhere, can't put my finger on what it is though...

I’d agree it’s rather foolish to not use any contraception if a woman really doesn’t want a baby. I’d think that contraception used incorrectly would be a far more common cause of accidental pregnancies.

I know 2 women who had accidental pregnancies while breastfeeding.
Both women warned me not to use breastfeeding as a contraceptive when I had DC1 and was trying to get breastfeeding established. Both women had got pregnant when their DC1 was around 9 -12 months.

I had a look online about breastfeeding as a contraceptive after that, and apparently it only has a contraceptive effect if certain conditions are met (one of them being that breastmilk is the baby’s only source of nutrition, which won’t be the case by 9 months).

Anyway, fast forward to DC3. We had the routine 6 week checkup after his birth, I saw a GP that was new to my GP surgery. He’d asked how DC3 was fed - breastfed - and then he said something along the lines of “oh, that’s a contraceptive, so you don’t need to worry about birth control yet.”

And he stopped there. No talk about all the conditions that need to be met for breastfeeding to have a contraceptive effect. He gave me a bit of a look when I said yes, but only if...

So yeah, I know not all GPs give that advice - the one who did the 6 week checks for DC1 and DC2 didn’t - but I can see how some women might’ve come away from their GP appointment mistakenly thinking that they don’t need to do anything about birth control for as long as they’re doing any breastfeeding with babies.

I agree with you OP. I know quite a few friends who have had not so accidental pregnancies, usually while in a relationship of some sorts, and the man has then stepped up and married them. All professional women, perfectly capable of using contraception. The men too. One friend, a pharmacist no less, has managed 3 "accidental pregnancies" - the first while a student at university with her boyfriend, who then stepped up and married her, the second while their marriage was on the rocks, and the third with her new boyfriend of less than a year.

I do wonder whether its because so many men now are so difficult to get to commit or to move relationships onto the next stage. Or even if you really love someone and know they are going to leave you, you want something from them to remind you of them. I almost wish I'd done that with my ex, but I didn't.

Some men too are remarkably unconcerned about contraception. I think you have to say that they would be not too unhappy to reproduce, where the woman will look after the child as a single mother and all they have to do is pay a little child support and do all the fun bits, such as taking the child out for the day at the weekend. Again, I can't help thinking of my ex, who was remarkably flippant about contraception (he just assumed I would "sort it out") despite constantly claiming that he could never see himself getting married or having children. Clearly, the way he behaves is going to result in an unplanned pregnancy sooner or later - he's onto the next woman already. Its actually quite a good option for a man who doesn't want to get married or have too many committments, and who isn't a high enough earner to have to pay lots of child support.

Perhaps we are being unrealistic to think that most children should or could be born into loving, stable relationships. Maybe those days are gone.

Baby 1, i was on depo injection and was given antibiotics for tooth abcess
Baby 2, was on mini pill and breast feeding and had tummy upset week before
Baby 3, had coil but only for a week so panicked and bought MAP thought I'd sorted the issue, roll forward 24 weeks and i had a medical abortion after discovering i was stil pregnant and baby was not viable due to defects in development. So yes i believe surprise pregnancies are a thing!

I completely agree that OP has hit a nerve but I don't think it's anything to do with people not liking being called stupid

OP, you've blundered into a really complex issue which touches on all sorts of matters. You're talking to an audience of predominantly heterosexual women who have had to carry the burden of contraceptive responsibility their entire adult lives. Contraception is a women's health issue and it is a feminist issue linked to well-documented problems within the medical profession of disbelieving women's own assessment of pain and other symptoms. That's why I posted the Rob Delaney vasectomy article upthread; I can't think of the last time I saw a male public figure talking about taking over contraceptive responsibility in his relationship.

There is nothing wrong with admitting your ignorance on a subject but wide-eyed naiveté is not a valid way to respond to criticism. You would have been much better undertaking some of the education that you keep referring to and then coming to discuss any questions that arose.

PS I haven't seen the threads PP have referred to with women mystified about how they are pregnant, but approximately once a week a thread will pop up on Pregnancy with an OP with an accidental unplanned pregnancy and a partner who is pressuring her to terminate. Maybe the question should actually be why there are so many men who seem astonished that their sperm can make babies, why they haven't taken contraceptive responsibility themselves, and why they think it's acceptable to pressure their partner into a medical procedure to end the pregnancy.

It’s not down to lack of sex education. Every consenting adult knows how babies are made

This isn't actually true. There are competent adults who lack awareness of basic biology. My friend believed you couldn't get pregnant with x days of your period, or if you peed straight after sex. And she was 24, not very well educated but neurotypical. She had 3 "accident" pregnancies.

According to available statistics OP is right so I don't know why she's getting such a pummeling on here.

The government's Public Health Matters web page states 45% of pregnancies are unplanned. (US figure is the same) and 1 in 3 births is of a child who was an unplanned pregnancy.

The BBC says 40% unplanned.

UCL says 1 in 6 or that 1 in 60 women will have an unplanned pregnancy each year.

One in three women terminate at least one pregnancy during their fertile years. It is the most common reason for surgery for women of childbearing age.

So yes it does seem to be commonplace. Why ... I'm not so sure. I'm a planner so it's hard to understand throwing caution to the winds by not using contraception or using it carelessly.

From people I've known (limited number and demographics) a few explanations:

1. Don't like hormonal contraception, use barrier methods but that spoils spontaneity. (Degree educated professional woman, a bit ditsy and "let's see what life brings" - four unplanned pregnancies, one terminated).
2. Thought I was too old so got a bit careless (pregnancy at 44, terminated).
3. Was warned by doctors when i had an eating disorder it might stop me conceiving and i was so worried i started taking a few risks now and again and eventually got caught out (terminated pregnancy in early 20s).
4. Educated myself about my cycle and realised I shouldn't be fertile in week 4 so I stopped bothering with my cap that week (pregnant in late 30s after older kids had gone to secondary - had the baby).
5. Was still breastfeeding and thought it should be ok, knew we ought to have been using something but I thought I wouldn't feel like it so I hadn't got anything/ got carried away/ it was my husband's birthday/ it was just once. I know two people who got caught like that (both lawyers so not without intelligence/logic). One of them came back from ML pregnant again and was rather sheepish.

Despite what I've said above I have just remembered that I did have a "risk shag" relying on breastfeeding 7 weeks post partum (lucky for me I wasn't fertile as I didn't resume my cycle for many more months once I'd completely stopped). My husband initiated, baby was asleep for once and I was surprised to find how in the mood i was. I took a test after two weeks (neg) and promptly got a copper coil fitted whilst thanking my lucky stars.

I had a friend fall pregnant at 22 because she was having unprotected sex and she figured she wasn't able to have babies because she had "never gotten pregnant before" in all those other times she'd been sexually active and unprotected since 15 years old.

No BFF, you were not infertile. You were lucky as fuck.

She's gone on to have more kids without assistance so infertility is not an issue and probably never was.

Honeylulu, she's getting a pummelling because of all the callous and judgemental comments she's made about women, including friends of hers, and because she stated she'd educate herself better if she was having sex with men. Normally I'm the person on AIBU defending an OP against unnecessary flaming, trust me. I almost never vote YABU. But this one has been goady and disingenuous from the start. She hasn't listened to good faith responses unless they agree that yeah, women are a bit stupid for not realising that pregnancy might happen if you have sex. She has also minimised the role of men in failing to take responsibility for their own fertility and pressuring women to let them go without contraception, which is common, saying it's another conversation. It's actually half the conversation - maybe more.

If we want to understand why accidental pregnancies happen, let's look at demographics. Most women who get pregnant through unprotected sex are young (18-24) which is a time when people are typically the least cautious, most reckless, most likely to be hooking up after drinking alcohol and the most convinced of their imperviousness to bad things happening. A lot of unplanned pregnancies happen to poor women, to women with a low income and a low level of education, and to BAME women. So it's clear education, social class and experience play a role. Older married women who have accidental pregnancies are much more likely to be using a method of contraception that fails for one reason or another.

Yeah I guess women shouldn't be that shocked when they fall pregnant after unprotected sex, but then we are flawed humans like anyone else. The points that OP is making are the same shit I hear on MRA forums that argue women shouldn't be able to access abortion because they knew exactly what they were getting into when they had sex. She may be pro-choice but she displays the same lack of empathy and compassion and the same judgment of women that anti-choicers do. That's why she's getting flamed.

I had an accidental or surprise pregnancy. I took the pill religiously, everyday, same time. I had reminders on my phone and dh's. I believe I did not miss any pills but might have been late in taking the pill on one day and ended up pregnant.

I agree it shouldn't be much of a surprise if you don't take any precautions!

@msflibble

Honeylulu, she's getting a pummelling because of all the callous and judgemental comments she's made about women, including friends of hers, and because she stated she'd educate herself better if she was having sex with men. Normally I'm the person on AIBU defending an OP against unnecessary flaming, trust me. I almost never vote YABU. But this one has been goady and disingenuous from the start. She hasn't listened to good faith responses unless they agree that yeah, women are a bit stupid for not realising that pregnancy might happen if you have sex. She has also minimised the role of men in failing to take responsibility for their own fertility and pressuring women to let them go without contraception, which is common, saying it's another conversation. It's actually half the conversation - maybe more.

If we want to understand why accidental pregnancies happen, let's look at demographics. Most women who get pregnant through unprotected sex are young (18-24) which is a time when people are typically the least cautious, most reckless, most likely to be hooking up after drinking alcohol and the most convinced of their imperviousness to bad things happening. A lot of unplanned pregnancies happen to poor women, to women with a low income and a low level of education, and to BAME women. So it's clear education, social class and experience play a role. Older married women who have accidental pregnancies are much more likely to be using a method of contraception that fails for one reason or another.

Yeah I guess women shouldn't be that shocked when they fall pregnant after unprotected sex, but then we are flawed humans like anyone else. The points that OP is making are the same shit I hear on MRA forums that argue women shouldn't be able to access abortion because they knew exactly what they were getting into when they had sex. She may be pro-choice but she displays the same lack of empathy and compassion and the same judgment of women that anti-choicers do. That's why she's getting flamed.

OP has a fully valid point and it’s not even like the one accident because they do happen. But when people have numerous accidents... I don’t know what to say falling pregnant is not a joke.

Getting rid of the phrase 'falling' pregnant would be a good start. The accident is implied in the verb.

I can only speak from experience, but it was stupidity and nativity. We knew we were having unprotected sex, but we’re drunk and essentially shrugged it off as ‘oh well be fine’. I mean, we weren’t wrong, we did get pregnant but he’s amazing, and we’re better than fine!

I view it like ‘accidentally’ hitting a small animal with your car.

If you were driving sensibly (on a reliable contraception and using it correctly), and slamming breaks on or swerving would be dangerous (the pregnancy is not possible for material reasons, or conducive to the woman’s mental of physical health) then termination is 100% the right choice and there should never be a stigma or issue surrounding that.

However, Speeding around not even attempting to break/swerve to avoid (having unprotected sex knowing full well you are fertile and will not continue a pregnancy) well that’s just a bit shit, wasteful and reckless isn’t it?

It’s wasteful like every other aspect of life. I view these people in the same light I would someone intentionally hitting bunnies with their car or massively over ordering in a restaurant with no intention of eating it all.

^ I’m only referring to situations where the exact same thing happens multiple times.
Everyone is allowed a mistake. Would not judge a one time ‘we didn’t use anything’ but 3+ times and you start really taking the mick!

I know someone who is on termination number 7. Frequently doesn’t use contraception. Even if you sideline the ‘life’ debate, it’s wasteful from an NHS point of view.

but pumpertrumper, the longer a woman is sexually active, the greater her risk of having more accidents - even if she's using contraception perfectly. it's very simple maths, illustrated above. 3 accidents in a 20 year marriage are what one statistically might expect with a 99.7% success rate of the pill.

If we don't want women to get pregnant, men and women shouldn't have sex at all. But all married women know what happens if you don't have sex with your husband anymore. So what do women do?

bananabread, I don't really know what your point is I'm afraid

You’ve made several comments alluding to allegedly homophobic comments by pps

“. I wasn’t aware that as a gay woman I was forbidden to take an interest in topics that don’t directly apply to me. I’ll make sure to make an announcement to all my fellow homosexuals.*

or
Is the poster ridiculous for telling me as a gay woman I shouldn’t take an interest in these issues?

but if you think that my sexuality means I can’t ask questions about topics that don’t directly apply to me me “judgy” and “goady” then that’s on you

What I did not expect was to be told that because of my sexuality I shouldn’t have an opinion on such topics.

What I didn’t expect was to be told that as a gay woman, I shouldn’t have these curiosities.

And you’re not out to get gay women for not using dental dams lol I mean what is your goal here.

Thinking you’ve been subtle enough to have deniability is insulting to our intelligence frankly and you’ve tried that tactic throughout “where have I said...” “I never said exactly...” it’s a faux naivety that’s annoying and disingenuous.