To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

NiceGerbil

Your attempt at comparing the use of dental dams vs using condoms is an misjudged one. Relatively speaking, the use of dams to prevent the spread of HSV is a new discussion. Using contraception to prevent pregnancies, is not. And is drilled in to most of us fairly young.

I'm curious though why you think only lesbian women should be using dams? Upon hearing the discussion between your lesbian friends, did you decide to use them as well? You say in simple terms "if you know that they can prevent STDs then why not use them" surely the same question can be asked to straight women?

The same people then don’t follow the instructions for the MAP properly.

I think a lot of people also don't realise the limitations of the MAP and how it works

Icantrememebrtheartist
I completely understand that and I understand how these things happen. My point from the start has been more aimed at the “let’s risk it” type pregnancies with no sign of fertility issues for either party. When both know they’re fertile, have unprotected sex without attempting the withdraw method (which I’m learning more about and understand it’s not always effective ) and are then surprised they’re pregnant and say it’s an “accident.” These are the types I am questioning. Not the couple who have been unable to conceive for years through trying so no longer bother with condoms or the pill and then are shocked to find out they are in fact pregnant. Apples and oranges.

If you see the way people wear face masks .... accidental pregnancies are no surprise !!!!!!grin

@Justsocross wins. Question answered. Nothing left to say😂🤣

well for a start, you're deluded that "pulling out" prevents conception. FYI, women can get pregnant from non-penetrative sex.

2bazookas I have since learnt that this isn’t always effective.
I still maintain my point though that if 0 precautions are used (contraception, withdrawing on the chance it will work) and you find yourself pregnant, it can’t be that much of a shock. Whilst withdrawing doesn’t always work it is a step towards trying to prevent a pregnancy if condoms aren’t being used or female contraceptives.

DS2 was a "surprise"... I missed one pill...

Also terminated a pregnancy last year after I got pregnant on the pill..

I got pregnant first time trying for ds1... I'm clearly bloody good at getting pregnant so can take no chances.. now have the coil..

HTH..

also no disrespect but as it isn't a concern for you, getting pregnant accidentally, you have no right to judge.

Because people don’t know how to use contraception correctly and then blame it when it fails despite it being due to their own incompetence.

@Change17 we had 5 years of unprotected sex, it was a shock. A happy one, but still a shock.

Mammyloveswine I don’t judge. I’m asking out of curiosity not judgement.

DS2 was a "surprise"... I missed one pill...

I remember when I first went on the pill, my doctor saying that even missing one pill could result in pregnancy so I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was you. He said if you take it at the same time each day. give or take a couple of hours, it would be very unlikely I’d get pregnant. I know lots of people who would miss a pill or three ! Or take it 8 hours late. I only forgot it a couple of times and never took any risks and i never got pregnant despite being very fortunate and getting pregnant very easily when I wanted to.

I wouldn’t judge others though, it’s for each individual to decide on what they do and what they class as risk.
I think women get the crap end of the deal. Contraception falls to them even if they’re in a good relationship because the long term more reliable methods are all for women obviously. I was very happy when my partner had a vasectomy, no more hormones and stress for me.

Mammyloveswine

I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?

Feel the need to jump in here as a few of you are really giving OP a hard time when her question very clearly is not referring to those pregnancies that occur despite the use of contraception. It's aimed at pregnancies that occur when no precautions have been made.

Honestly I feel like some people on MN are out to pick a fight. Perhaps we all have too much time on our hands at the moment.

I've been pregnant three times (that I know of, though it's very common to lose them early without knowing at all), and none of them were planned.

We were using contraception all three times; the first time (with one partner) it was the pill, and the other two times (with a different partner) we used condoms.

The third time (which was the only live birth) was the only time we didn't use the contraception perfectly, as the condoms were out of date (not by much), which we hadn't noticed. Though considering the previous times, who knows if that actually contributed or not?!

Vasectomies are considered to be a permanent method of contraception, i.e. sterilisation. You can try to undo them, but it won't always work. A man shouldn't get one unless they are sure they don't want any (more) children.

And I expect a lot of the people who have one night stands without using contraception are drunk, so not in the best state of mind to make sensible decisions, and may not even remember making them.

So unless women having sex with women never get STIs, since they are always so well prepared with 100% effective protection that they always use perfectly, I'm sure you can imagine how some other women end up with unplanned pregnancies.

rosiejaune

I’m really Not sure how many more times I have to repeat myself that this question was never aimed at pregnancies that happen despite using contraception or other methods of precaution , as it’s very clearly stated in my OP.

Not sure the point of the lesbian STI comment. Why would lesbians not get STIs ??

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?

Because people are essentially stupid. If you're having sex with no protection, this is an obvious likely outcome. It shouldn't be surprising. And yet it is, somehow.

keepingplain not sure how much of this thread you’ve seen but I’ve received a wholeeeee load of crap for essentially having this point of view. Been told I’m nasty, unsympathetic, lack empathy.
It’s been a real treat 😬😬😬

I like the way people are classifying this thread as goady. I think it’s more challenging people’s bullshit and stupidly which l know no one likes.

My personal bugbear is the nonsense threads on here of “l got pregnant, had an abortion and 2 months l regret it so lm trying for a baby”. Pure ridiculous stupid behaviour. Unfortunately makes me think it’s good they had an abortion, stupid people often have stupid children after all

Change17 that's because they can't read. They are the kind of people I'm talking about.

Maybe it's the lack of sex education, but it's pretty easy to understand. If you have sex, you can get pregnant, even with contraception. Contraception limits this risk, but dies not eliminate it. No contraception increases this risk. The only guarantee of no pregnancy is no sex. Then you would actually have a surprise if you had no sex and got pregnant.

What's the difficulty in that? I don't get it, this is not complicated stuff.

Been told I’m nasty, unsympathetic, lack empathy.
It’s been a real treat

I think it's probably more of a case of you've touched a nerve with a lot of posters and they don't like it. I know exactly what you mean though - I do think when people get pregnant very quickly into new relationships/in inappropriate relationships (married men for example)/have their billionth child then the "it was an accident" "I was on contraception" argument sends the 'there's an explanation for you so don't challenge me' message.

@Candyfloss99
My DP and I are slightly guilty of this.

My implant ran out during lockdown and the sexual health clinic are still not replacing them. The only thing they’re dishing out is condoms and the pill. I’ve tried two different types of pill and they caused havoc on my body but the implant has been side-effect free (to my knowledge). I’ve done some research into the implant and they can last 4/5 years. We’ve also had the conversation that’s while we don’t really want to be trying for a baby for the next year if we were to fall it wouldn’t be the worst timing.

We’re not activity trying, and if it was the worst timing we’d be using condoms, it could happen. I can imagine there’s other in the same boat and others that’s been DTD more often. We wouldn’t say we’re trying but it wouldn’t be a 100% surprise either.

Not sure how’d we word it if any one asked ‘not a surprise but we weren’t trying on a baby right now’. Definitely not accidental as we were consenting adults considering the side effects of DTD.

KeepingPlain I think a lot of people like looking for a fight when there really isn’t a fight to me had. I had one poster essentially put words in my mouth over and over again and had clearly made up her own version of who I am and what opinions I have, but had absolutely nothing to base it on!

I got ripped to shreds for saying that since I am admittedly very naive and my sex Ed was crap, If I were straight / bi and having sex with men I’d have educated myself a bit more since my knowledge is so basic. Apparently this was me saying that I’m “perfect” and “something like this would never ever happen to me.” The mind boggles.

A reminder on a couple of comments from op:

'But it cannot be denied that there’s always been women crying into a false positive pregnancy test after taking 0 precautions against getting pregnant.'

Nice phrasing, very sympathetic.

'I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?'

Getting the map is avoiding the risk.

'That’s what I’m curious about. If you read other comments though then yes quite a few have said that some women are intentionally getting pregnant despite claiming they don’t want to.'

Of all the things to pick up on the thread, this?

No engagement with the huge lists of other reasons.

I mean who can't imagine why a university student might need to go for map? It's hardly tricky is it.

The herpes thing

To reiterate.

When I was at uni in early 90s, my lesbian friends were laughing about how they had been given advice to use dental dams with casual or new partners. STD prevention was a big deal then due to AIDS.
My question to op was, given that they had the info and a place to get them, and they were all going to ignore it, would she judge one of them if she got herpes? It is a specific question about my actual friends a good number of years ago.

Judging by the shoe response, she would say yes, she couldn't understand why they didn't follow precautions.

I think that anyone who can't understand how uni students might get pregnant when they didn't want to, or get an STD, is really out of touch with the real world tbh.

There are people on the thread sharing all sorts of personal stories. I think op would be best advised to read lots of relevant threads on MN if she wants to understand. But this option has not been responded to either.

I can't see how anyone can say someone else's sex education is crap if they can't see how no contraception is highly likely to result in pregnancy. 😂 It's not surprising at all.

I've got an implant in, and even then I wouldn't be surprised if I got pregnant. I'm having sex, and the implant is what 98-99% effective. Still a 1-2% chance I could. That's a chance I take.

I think people just like to claim it was a big surprise for them, to make it seem extra lucky somehow to be pregnant? I dunno, I don't get it.

NiceGerbil’damn. You are really out to get me aren’t you. I don’t know what nerve I’ve hit but it’s clearly a big one.

You’ve formed a narrative of me in your head. And you’re not out to get gay women for not using dental dams lol I mean what is your goal here.

I think it would serve you well if you read properly. Stopped making up false narratives. And accepted that having sex with precisely zero use of any type of preventative method and then finding yourself to be pregnant, is not really something that should come as a shock. But you clearly will never agree on that.

@Change17

InDeoEstMeaFiducia that’s fair enough and I appreciate getting another view on it and being educated on the topic respectfully. I see it discussed a lot that it should really start to be considered as an option for men as a way for them To take more responsibility so I admit I didn’t know the other side to it all

WTF was disrespectful about my post ? There is no 'other side', any HCP will tell a man that vasectomy is to be considered permanent contraception.