To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

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I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

NiceGerbil dear god. You have not stopped putting words in my mouth for about an hour now.
I never once said that I PERSONALLY believe that reversing versectomies is the solution to all problems. I said that from what I’ve have read/ videos I have watched, it’s very much being pushed as a possible aid.

Luckily a kind pp respectfully educated me on why this actually isn’t such a feasible option. So now I have both sides of the picture. You however have just attacked, told me I’ve said things and implied things that I haven’t, patronised and tried to put me down. My god we’re all learning every day and yes maybe I was naive on the whole versectomy issue but can you let up just a tiny bit ??

NiceGerbil and where on Earth did I tell you you were being negative?? I was simply questioning why, when you’d tried tour very harder to paint me out to be some women hating maniac, were so dismissive of the idea of versectomy reversal considering it’s being talked about a lot at the moment as a legitimate prevention method. As I say thankfully I was educated by someone else as to why it’s maybe not as black and white and easy as that. So now I have obviously been given reason to think otherwise and willl look into it. All you did was put me down essentially “what a ridiculous suggestion how stupid can you be.” You are really so condescending.

I did read it, thanks. Came across as very unpleasant.

And yeah, women are allowed to be upset when they realise they have to either have a baby they don't want or go through the trauma of an abortion even if they didn't take all the precautions at the time - just as an alcoholic is allowed to be upset that they have cirrhosis of the liver, or a gay man who contracts HIV through unprotected sex is allowed to be upset that they have a life-changing illness.

It makes you nasty because it betrays a total lack of compassion and empathy for other humans.

I'm off to bed now. Do enjoy my very first

I feel like you're evading my question.

In the early 90s things were pretty hot on risk of various STD due to hiv.

My friends clearly knew about them.

Herpes I believe is a nasty infection and one for which there is no treatment.

With pregnancy there are various options. Map. Termination. Or having it, which is a big deal but on the whole better than contracting herpes I'd say!

So given my friends did have the info and they knew where to get them. If one had contacted herpes through a one night stand at uni, would you say the same to them? That you could not begin to understand why they didn't take precautions?

Someone said they're not well known. Aren't lesbians expected to 'do the research' in the same way as women and girls?

I feel that op is being very judgey. And putting this in AIBU on MN was always going to be sensitive. And she knew that before she posted it.

I never once said that I PERSONALLY believe that reversing versectomies is the solution to all problems. I said that from what I’ve have read/ videos I have watched, it’s very much being pushed as a possible aid

I have never heard of this being pushed, ever. My partner had to convince our GP that he was sure he wanted one. We had 2 kids and had been together for 12 years at that time. It’s definitely not seen as easily reversible, in fact we got told that it would be extremely unlikely to be reversible. I’d imagine that if this became common practice, there would be a lot of men unable to have children naturally in the future. I’m all for men having to take responsibility for contraception but this is not the way forward with that.

I apologise op, you said I was out of order for pointing out that your suggestion of reversible vasectomies for men as a solution was a rubbish one for a host of reasons.

I'd be interested in the videos you watched about it though, if you can remember where you saw them.

I suppose people engage in risky behaviour all the time.
Look at driving.
If you drive responsibly you won't cause an accident, so why do people drive like maniacs?
If you stick to the rules and don't take risks, you won't get covid. So how come people are being irresponsible about it.
You can apply this logic to everything.

NiceGerbil I’m fairly sure you are being deliberately obtuse to get a rise out of myself and others and I simply don’t have the energy anymore.

Only read the last few posts but Christ almighty how is this so controversial.

I have never given it much thought but I always read/hear "I was using birth control and got pregnant" as "I wasn't using birth control properly and got pregnant" but I don't actually judge people for that. People are human, they make mistakes.

My accidental pregnancy was still and accident even though I was messing around with my pill and not taking in properly. If I forgot to mop up a spill or fix something broken and hurt myself as a result people wouldn't say I intentionally hurt myself. Why is it such a big deal. Shit happens, people are daft/forgetful/don't understand how stuff works.

Ah, someone is bored and posted purely to wind people up. And it works every time

I found this www.parsemus.org/projects/vasalgel/

Is this what you mean?

Sounds great.

In practice though many women would not trust a man who said he had this done in a casual/ new relationship etc.

Although it could be used as a lever to get women to agree to unprotected sex.

Also no std protection.

This would be good in a long term relationship, esp if pain free for the man. The site seems to indicate it's not available yet though.

And it's not a vasectomy, although I understand why they call it that.

Therarestone actually about 80% of the comments on here if you read them are in agreement that there seem to be an awful lot of “accidental” pregnancies. Just a couple of people who wanted to stir the pot. Difference in opinion is absolutely fine and welcome but some people clearly get a rise out of winding people up.

Because, like in Jurassic Park ' life finds a way'

I’ve not read the thread and I’m sure the main points have been covered.

However just reinstating that it’s not actually that straightforward to get pregnant. You can have sex with a man lots and it never happens. You can have a one night stand and it does.
Women are surprised because quite frankly it really is. And of those that do get pregnant the chance of miscarriage before you even know you are pregnant is common enough too.

Therarestone actually about 80% of the comments on here if you read them are in agreement that there seem to be an awful lot of “accidental” pregnancies

What's your point though? Are you saying people are intentionally getting pregnant and lying? Or are you saying that if you slip up with birth control that constitutes an intentional pregnancy?

UglyGlassVase I have no idea! That’s what I’m curious about. If you read other comments though then yes quite a few have said that some women are intentionally getting pregnant despite claiming they don’t want to.

I nor anyone else (as far as I’m aware) has implied that the pill not working is therefore an intentional pregnancies. In the same way I don’t think that it could ever be a suggestion that a condom breaking is an international pregnancy. Shit happens.

I got pregnant whilst using an IUD, I've heard of a few others who have too.

I nor anyone else (as far as I’m aware) has implied that the pill not working is therefore an intentional pregnancies. In the same way I don’t think that it could ever be a suggestion that a condom breaking is an international pregnancy. Shit happens

Yes but what about if you forget to take your pill a couple of times but think you'll get away with it or think you'll risk a withdrawal method shag because you've run out of condoms. Are those intentional pregnancies or accidents?

Morning after pill didn't work one time.
Didn't realise I was ovulating another.

Those are my accidents.

@NiceGerbil herpes actually has no symptoms for most- I think something like 80-90% of those who have it don’t even realise and may never find out. They don’t even test for it when you get a ‘full std screening’ despite it being very common. Even for the minority who do know they’re infected it’s much the same as having cold sores (since it’s the same virus) and outbreaks can be mild, they also clear up by themselves and people can go years without having one.

I was wondering this in a different context - developing countries where there is lessened access to contraception and families can be very big. Or 100 years ago equally. Without contraception I would count the days. My experience of TTC is that it's difficult to get pregnant for much of the month, and my experience of being 21 is that it's easy to get pregnant when you don't count the days.

In a society of mum to daughter education such as times gone by or places without access to contraception, I would have imagined the mums would be passing on the skill of counting days.

But I have no knowledge about it. Perhaps the protest of "not today, dear" falls on deaf ears..?

UglyGlassVase honestly I’m not entirely sure the terminology id use there. A lot of previous commenters Have stated the difference between “accidental” and “surprise” pregnancies. I’d probably say it’s a surprise. Intentional no because you didn’t have sex with the desire to get pregnant. But I don’t believe that to be 100% accidental either because there’s always a risk if not being vigilant with contraception. Even when being vigilant it can still happen. So no I wouldn’t class it as 100% an accident.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but on the whole, I agree. I went to a selective school then Oxbridge and so my female friends were both highly educated and highly incentivised in terms of future opportunities not to get accidentally pregnant. I know of one girl in my wider circle who got pregnant accidentally at university due to a one night stand and not taking the pill regularly. Not a single other person. So I do find it really really hard to believe when lots of people claim contraception failure - statistically it isn’t that likely, especially with the newer forms of contraception like the implant, especially when you consider it has to fail on the exact right day of the month that you’re ovulating. I think a lot of people don’t use contraception very reliably, skip pills etc then say it was an accident.

And the people you listen to are the ones saying that it's not uncommon for women to lie for whatever purpose.

What do you think their purpose is?

You talked in your op about being surprised how many friends at uni you went with to get map / tests. Were they actually intending to get pregnant do you think? If so, why get the map?

Many women have pointed out that women know they will be judged and so couples/ women saying it's accidental is to avoid having to justify themselves. You haven't really engaged with that?

I thought my suggestion of reading lots of relevant threads on here to understand what can happen was a good one. But you say (essentially) that I'm not posting in good faith?

Don't get it. The views I have expressed on this thread are how I feel.

I do think your posts come across as judgey. And you have made at least one callous post.