To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

[Change17]

I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

Well I was told by numerous tests that I wasnt ovulating and therefore pregnancy was unlikely.

Hence my surprise when I fell pregnant.

I was scatty with contraception when I was younger. I was irresponsible, and it was part of wider issues and a somewhat chaotic lifestyle. If I was sexually active now, I’d make different choices, but I’m sure my past behaviour isn’t unique.
I do wonder if some of the “surprise” pregnancies on mumsnet though aren’t people just looking to avoid criticism for conceiving in less than ideal circumstances. Ultimately we’ll never know.

NiceGerbil well if you genuinely want my thoughts on this..
I think they’re sensible and education on stds is generally incredibly lacking in the lesbian world. There’s much more focus on straight couples and gay male couples but very little on female female relationships and as a result many gay women think they’re untouchable when it comes to stds.
The STD your friend was referring to was likely herpes. I only found out a few years ago just how common herpes is. I believe 1/5 here in Australia not sure the numbers in the UK.
But then again it’s obviously not just lesbians who engage in oral sex so dental dams for women generally aren’t the worst idea. I’m part of a sexual health group on fb and the numbers of people commenting they’ve had herpes transmitted to them genitally via oral sex is very high (both men and women)

So yes I don’t think dental dams are a terrible idea especially considering only 15% of people with herpes know they have it. I can’t see them ever being commonly used but it certainly would aid in the prevention of transmitting herpes.

From your op, op

'I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?'

No mention of the chaps there.

While I was looking I found this from you:

'But it cannot be denied that there’s always been women crying into a false positive pregnancy test after taking 0 precautions against getting pregnant.'

Which is just downright nasty.

MN does not like this question being asked, or even hinted at, but I totally agree tbh OP.

The actual failure rate of contraception (not user failure rate) is

msflibble. Gosh. So me holding my hands up and saying “I know sweet f all about hetero sex because my sex education sucks so I like to believe that we’re I having sex with men, I’d educate myself a bit considering my lack of knowledge” is me saying “I’m better than everyone and would never ever have an unwanted pregnancy”. If you want 2+2=5 then go ahead.

Hi OP. Fellow Melburnian here so am feeling your pain re: lockdown.

My 3 pregnancies were very much planned but I know of 5 people who had accidental pregnancies.

Of those, 3 had PCOS and/or endometriosis and didn't think they could fall pregnant or that it would happen easily so didn't take precautions. Of the other two, lack of understanding/knowledge about contraception played a part eg. One thought she couldn't fall pregnant while breastfeeding. The other was young and from a very religious family who expected her to wait for marriage. Contraception was not freely available to her and her sex-ed was very limited.

A lot of men won't wear condoms. And once you're at that point (turned on, unclothed, in suitable location etc) it's easy (in all senses of the word ;) to go ahead without.
The pill has been going out of fashion for years. Don't most young women disagree with it?

Plenty of women have plenty of unprotected sex. If not in relationships then it can be just youth / abandon etc usually. In relationships it can be just in the heat of the moment. Its quite rare to get pregnant, semen is not like dynamite! Only one day a month that's fertile too. Good odds most people think.

And lastly of course, in many circumstances, the women wants a baby so its hardly as accidental as she's saying!

NiceGerbil I’m nasty because I think a woman who has taken zero precautions and is then upset And shocked about being pregnant is a bit off? No I’m not talking about rape. No I’m not talking about dickhesds who remove the condom during sex. No I’m not talking about the pill or coil not working.

I’m referring to sleeping with someone, 100% willingly, neither party taking any precautions at all, basically saying “f*ck it let’s risk it” and then being upset over being pregnant. No I don’t think that adds up. If that makes me nasty then so be it. I fail to see how.

My dp was told in a previous relationship he couldn't have kids. They went through all the tests. He had low sperm count and low mobility.

After 12 months of no contraception because we both had std tests etc I found myself unhappily pregnant.

He puts it down to loosing weight, getting more active and taking vitamin D

But he'd been on his best behaviour for the first year, so I spent the next 3 waiting for this perfect man I'd fallen for to come back. He never did though.
It took time but I learned my lesson not to ever take shit from a man again.

It’s frightening how manipulative and calculated some men can be, to be able to keep that side of himself hidden for a whole year. Relationships like the one you were in really make me scared for my daughter in the future. I’m just glad to hear that you did get away, I know how hard that can be, my mum has never managed to break free despite leaving numerous times, she’s always gone back. You should be very proud that you got away. 💐

The important question about dental dams though is

How do you feel about my friends who were lesbians ignoring the advice, going with the flow, and actively laughing at the idea they would use them in a sexual encounter?

I mean my point is that people are bad at doing the right thing sometimes when it interferes with fun.

Do you judge them in the same way?

And I don't want an answer to this but, if you ever failed to use one for a casual encounter or at the beginning of a relationship, then aren't you falling foul of your own standards.

Many throw caution to the wind and hope for the best! It's human nature really... when it comes to sex people often revert to primal instinct and rational thought goes out the window. It's hardly novel. I've certainly been guilty of it. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

You didn't say that though did you? You said what was quoted.

You are in denial if you think you've been calm and respectful btw. You have said some really grim judgemental things about women in this thread, flagged up above by NiceGerbil.

Here's a suggestion. Go to a gay men's forum and ask the blokes there why gay men are still surprised and shocked to learn they're HIV positive after having unprotected sex with several male partners. Then see what sort of a response you get. Explain how if you were doing that you'd take pains to educate yourself so you could avoid it. Then sit back and see what sort of response you get.

To be fair, @nicegerbil, they're not exactly selling them out the vending machines in the ladies' loo, are they, though?

Because contraception is not 100% effective.

According to the stats quoted by the NHS ‘typical use’ of condoms means 18% of women will become pregnant in a year, for the pill it’s about 9% and implant/coil less than 1%. That’s a lot of ‘surprise’ pregnancies

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/

@Pumpertrumper if you actually do the maths, a woman in a long term relationship having sex once a week is fairly likely at some point to fall pregnant, even with a chance of less than 1% using hormonal contraception.

NiceGerbil I don’t believe the two things are comparable. Are condoms always worn by men during oral sex to avoid stds? We learn from a relatively young age about pregnancy risks through not wearing condoms. Practicing safe sex is drilled into our heads from puberty if not before. Lesbians being told to use dental dams is very very rarely spoken about. And as I say it shouldn’t just be lesbians using them anyway since straight women obviously receive oral sex too.

In what respect did your friends learning about dams? Were they sat down and given a proper
Talk on the herpes transmission rates? Were they shown gruesome photos? Were they told how common herpes is? Unlikely since doctors even now are often very flippant about herpes.
I understand what you’re getting at but I don’t think foregoing a condom is quite the same as foregoing a dental dam.

Apparently in the UK about half of all cases of genital herpes are now caused by oral sex (so people who get cold sores going down on others and passing the virus mouth to genitals) yet I don’t think I’ve ever noticed dental dams for sale anywhere? Never noticed them in Boots etc where they sell the condoms

msfibble my apparent “nasty” comment was when I said I find it off when women are Devastated to find they’re pregnant despite 0 precautions. I will copy and paste what I wrote above as I don’t think you read it

I’m nasty because I think a woman who has taken zero precautions and is then upset And shocked about being pregnant is a bit off? No I’m not talking about rape. No I’m not talking about dickhesds who remove the condom during sex. No I’m not talking about the pill or coil not working.

I’m referring to sleeping with someone, 100% willingly, neither party taking any precautions at all, basically saying “f*ck it let’s risk it” and then being upset over being pregnant. No I don’t think that adds up. If that makes me nasty then so be it. I fail to see how.

You really can't understand how your university friends could have had unprotected sex.

Righto.

Your last post I think you're trying to sound reasonable but you sound worse.

Map is available OTC now and while it's not ideal, it is taking responsibility isn't it.

In fact the woman takes responsibility whether she

Takes map
Has baby
Has abortion

The second two are massive decisions.

You have been told that vasectomy is a good reversible option for men.

I (and others) have pointed out that

No it isn't. Because it should never be assumed to be reversible. I think it would be v hard to get on NHS.
And men aren't keen. I just can't imagine uni age young men going and getting vasectomies, for a host of reasons. Which you may like or not, but are true.
I think a 19yo bloke with no kids would really struggle to find a doc who would do it, anyway.

Yet you come back to tell me that it sounds like a great solution and why am I being so negative

The best advice if you really want to know is to read lots of relevant threads on MN. They will inform you of all the things you are wondering.

Are you going to do that?

Thinking about people I know who have had surprise pregnancies.
One was due to contraceptive failure because other vital medication interfered with the female pill. Her husband refused to be serilised, the doctor did not agree to her being sterilised for a long time. Eventually her doctor agreed to the sterilisation.
Another was an older relative who thought their family was complete. The surprise pregnancy ended in miscarriage.
Another was a couple who also believed their family was complete, they were 'old' when they had their last child. Very wanted but they never thought it would happen.
I also knew a woman who was told she could not have children. She felt unwell, went to the doctors and was told there wasn't anything wrong. Still felt unwell, went to the doctors and even after her asking if she could
a pregnancy test was told no, you are not pregnant. Anyway, turns out she was pregnant and was very far gone so I would call that a surprise pregnancy.
I think this is different to an unplanned pregnancy.

missdunkindohnut My point exactly. So comparing using them to using condoms really is nonsensical

Think just get carried away and a condom is such a faff so lovely to have the feeling of no condom

My accidental pregnancy happened because I didn't take birth control properly. It was still an accident and I was genuinely gobsmacked when I was pregnant despite the fact that it was possible. To be honest there was a very small window when I wasn't covered but I am super fertile apparently (I tried for my second and was preggers before I put my knickers back on). I then went 10 years using birth control properly and never even had a scare.