To ask why accidental pregnancies are so common?

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I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this. But I’m in my 5th week of lockdown in Melbourne and my mind is asking all sorts of questions.

I’ve honestly never fully understood how so many women find themselves accidentally pregnant. I’m not talking here about contraception not working. I’m aware condoms can break and the pill isn’t always a 100% guarantee.

But if you’re not taking any precautions against getting pregnant, how is it such a shock when the tests come back positive?
I admit I’ve only had sex with a man once when I was 17. Wasn’t long after that that I realised I was gay so I’m not as knowledgable as I could be when it comes to having sex with men, but they always know when ejaculation is imminent yes? As in, there’s a warning period and time to pull out? (Sorry to be blunt.)

As I say I totally understand contraception is not always completely reliable and in all honesty the reason I even started to think about this was watching Desperate Housewives which I’m currently doing a re-run or for the first time in years. Lynette always talks about how she only wanted one child but kept getting pregnant and was “surprised” each time.
I can’t count the amount of times at uni I’d go with friends to get the morning after pill or pregnancy tests and I’d never say anything but was always low key thinking “how does this happen so often???” If you’re not using a condom or on the pill or another form of contraception... then why not do everything else possible to avoid the risk?
I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being way too black and white about this or whether else is coming my way.

I work in this area and would 70% or more of the pregnancies I see are unplanned. Usually it's due to have an unplanned break in contraception so forgetting to pick up pills, request repeat prescriptions.

Not making doctors appointments in time to renew x,y, or z.

Wanting to change contraception but not really knowing what to so stopping one without method without another in place.

Coming off contraception to 'give the body a break' is a really common one.

Lots of people have never used contraception and not fallen pregnant before and assumed they couldn't.

99% of women I see do not want another baby imminently and are keen to find an option!

msflibble oh dear. Do I really have to say this again. I have no issue with people getting passionate about this discussion. What I take an issue with is the idea that as a gay woman, “why do I even care??”
I’m really unsure as to what I’ve said that is so awful a lot of the comments on here have a far harsher tone than anything I’ve said. It really seems people enjoy baiting people into arguments.

I think it’s many things op.

I think some folks take risks of unprotected sex.

Others don’t use contraceptive correctly ,,so forgot to take their pill. Or had d&v and didn’t realise it could impact, put a condom on at rhe last moment, etc etc,

Others for some reason think the pull out method is a good idea.

For others it is an accidentally on purpose thing. You see it on here often, some women think if they get pregnant then the man will suddenly be over joyed and change their mind and want the kid, or they think the man will stay with them If they have a baby, or a baby will fix the relationship. Obviously those end results seldom happen though, doesn’t stop the accidentally on purpose pregnancies though.

So overall it’s a mixture of things.

@Zhampagne thank you. There were a lot of questionable things that happened sexually during that relationship. Things I'd never consent to now, in a loving relationship with a respectful partner. I'm just about healed from it now thankfully :)

YABU
First, unplanned pregnancies are not very common. Abortion rates are the lowest they’ve been since they were legalised and birth rates are the lowest they have ever been.
In addition, I think over 50% of abortions are due to contraception failure/user contraception failure not unprotected sex. I have met a few women unable to take any hormone contraception and allergic to condoms (either the latex or the spermicide). I have met one woman immune to the pill- it ldoesn’t work on her, she got pregnant four times while on the pill and taking it perfectly. Recent scientific studies have shown this to be possible.
A good number of abortions are due to rape. Another due to doctors misdiagnosing infertility when the woman was in fact fertile. Etc.

msflibble

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. 💐

In many cases though, I do think women have ignored or minimised awful behaviour when it would be easier to get away because they’re not living together or have only been together a few weeks for example.
I remember friends, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, just accepting shit blokes and their shit behaviour. I’d seen my mum put up with my father being both physically and emotionally abusive for years, so for me, I knew I’d never get into something like that. Ironically, seeing things I never should have seen, maybe did put me at an ‘advantage’ when choosing a partner.
The blame lies with these men, there’s no doubt about that.

I hope that you are in a better place now.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia that’s fair enough and I appreciate getting another view on it and being educated on the topic respectfully. I see it discussed a lot that it should really start to be considered as an option for men as a way for them
To take more responsibility so I admit I didn’t know the other side to it all

I don't understand either. You have sex, you have to accept there is a chance of pregnancy.
Most contraception is pretty reliable.

What I take an issue with is the idea that as a gay woman, “why do I even care??”

But that is what you said yourself!

Part of the problem is also how difficult it is to have any sort of tube tied/sterilisation as a woman.

My GP surgery have refused to discuss it with me until I'm 40 "in case I change my mind". I have 6 kids (5 biological kids). The youngest was conceived on the pill and I intended to have a termination until the [expletive] at the clinic ignored my request not to let me see the scan screen (they were disciplined for it as it was deliberately done). The youngest also has significant health needs and will need full-time care her whole life.

My DH has a blood clotting disorder so they told him no, and to consider his wife being sterilised, but they told me I'm too young and to consider my DH having the snip.

I had just been referred, after going through a lengthy process, when Covid hit. We just don't have sex anymore.

"What I take an issue with is the idea that as a gay woman, “why do I even care??”"

I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth. That was entirely another poster. With regard to your sexuality, all I have said is that maybe what you're missing is the pressure that men put on women to have unprotected sex. Which is a valid thing to point out.

Your post is deeply judgemental, and you have implied several times you'd personally not make the same mistakes other women have. So I think it's a bit rich of you to claim it's other people who want to bait you into an argument.

You came for an argument, and you got it. Round of applause for you.

The thing is there’s a really big spectrum of what ‘accidental pregnancy’ could mean when people say it. For some it will be genuinely using contraception and being the small percentage of people who end up pregnant but for others it will be because they missed the pill a couple of times by accident, or the condom split and they thought it would be ok because it was once, or someone who had unprotected sex then the MAP failed. So technically they risked pregnancy but didn’t actively plan one. I’d say a lot of the accidental pregnancies people talk about are more likely to be one of those type of scenarios than perfectly using contraception and it failing.

Speaking as an accident 👋🏽Hi there’s loads of us. We rock.

I always used to think that. Then one day when my daughter was 4 months old I discovered I was pregnant. Shock didn’t cover it, my daughter was exclusively breast feed feeding 8-10 times a day, my periods hadn’t returned and to top it all we don’t remember even having sex. I wasn’t young either, mid thirties. I felt really stupid 😂.

I’ve often seen people discuss men getting versectomies and then reversing them when they’re ready for kids.

I find this so hard to believe and monumentally stupid if it is true.

I hate it when people say- no we weren't trying but we weren't using protection.... in my eyes that's trying! I did accidentally get pregnant/ the condom broke and the MAP didn't work 😭

msflibble could you please point me in the direction of where I said I would not make the same mistakes? I don’t recall saying this once so perhaps you’ve mistook someone else’s post for mine.

I did not come for an argument. I bloody hate conformation. I came for a discussion and yet have been totally villified for it. I admitted naivety. I’ve never claimed to know everything. Which is WHY I asked in the first place. You’re the who has been provocative and goading when I’ve actually remained calm and respectful and certainly have not been anywhere near as “judgemental” has half these comments. I’ve read many “because people are stupid and careless” type remarks. Have I ever said anything like that? Not once. You’re determined to make me out to be the bad guy so well done you’ve convinced yourself I am

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze thank you, I am.

Yeah, we do put up with some shitheads. I was lucky to have parents with a relatively decent relationship so when things started going wrong I knew something was off. But he'd been on his best behaviour for the first year, so I spent the next 3 waiting for this perfect man I'd fallen for to come back. He never did though.
It took time but I learned my lesson not to ever take shit from a man again.

ThanksItHasPockets ok well, yes it is true. I have no reason to lie.

I’m sorry to say OP I don’t think you’ve been calm, I think you’ve been very defensive. Starting a thread like this is always going to bring about robust debate and I think that’s what you’ve got TBH.

Peridodo absolutely fine with debate. Not fine with people to paint me out to be some kind of monster for asking these questions.

You’ve posted in AIBU about a highly sensitive topic, you’ve got to expect comments which you don’t agree with. Just my opinion, it’s obviously your choice how you react of course.

Msflibble didn't write that even care post, op.

That's out of line.

Anyway maybe I can ask you a question.

When I was at uni I had some lesbian friends. I remember a conversion about 'dental dams' which they were advised to use to prevent (can't remember, assume std).

They thought it was a stupid idea

So my question which I never asked was

Do these still exist
Are lesbians recommended to use them at the start of relationships or for casual sex still
What do you make of my friends back in the 90s all laughing at the idea?

Misphrased

As a het woman I'm interested to ask ^

I do however think that if I were having sex with men, I would certainly have done my research on all of this to make sure I’d avoid pregnancies as far as I possibly could.

I believe that's the bit where you say you wouldn't make the mistakes other sillier women seem to.

Believe me, all the research in the world doesn't make a difference when you are having sex with a controlling man who doesn't much respect you or your boundaries.

Unwanted pregnancy and abortion are deeply loaded issues for women, how can you not realise that there would be an emotional response? What exactly is the point of this? What are you getting here that you couldn't get by typing into Google "top reported reasons for unplanned pregnancies"?

Anyway, I don't believe your protestations that you didn't want/expect confrontation. The literal first line of your post is "I’m probably going to get a lot of negative feedback for this."