To not want DDs boyfriend in our home..

[passthemustard]

So... a couple of weeks ago my DD(18) went out with her BF (20) and some friends and they all had a few drinks. She was staying at his house and they went back with one of his friends (F) as the friends Dad was going to pick her up from there.
The friend passed out on the bed while waiting for her dad and my DD feeling worse for wear went to sleep on the bed beside her. Only she woken some time later by her BF and this friend having sex.
She appears to have forgiven him but I can't get over it. I think she's a mug and I don't want him in my house. She says she won't finish with him so I need to get over myself and she's more cross with me not allowing him in the house than she is for him doing what he did.
AIBU?

What happens when he cheats again or gives her an STI or gets someone pregnant or rapes them? The fact he did this with her as a witness absolutely horrific.

she can have all the a levels in the worlsd but your dd needs some life lessons who hangs on to a man/boy like that

Do you have any other daughters?

YABVR

Fuck that. I’m usually of the ‘let them sort it out’ school of thought but I’m theirs scenario he’d either be banned or I’d make my feelings towards him so clear that he wouldn’t be coming over again in a hurry.

Nope dont let him in the house. I wouldnt and would tell her that even though she doesnt respect herself right now I still did respect her and would not tolerate having him around.

Tough one.

What he did was vile and totally disrespectful and hurtful to your daughter. However if you ban him from ur house she will still find ways around it and will become better at lying to you ... I speak from experience here as when I was not much older than your daughter I had a real shit of a boyfriend which my mum banned from the house n all she did was push me further into a relationship which got more and more abusive and I lied til I was blue in the face.

Your daughter will eventually wise up n will one day see what a shit he is.

Xxx

It would be very difficult, but could you consider this approach: invite him in, find out what his favourite meal is, when he comes, be very interested in him as a person: what kind of job does he do, does he like it, has he any siblings, what pets does he like etc, etc. Don’t mention the incident at all, your daughter knows that you know and will cringe. Try to get a conversation going, try to find out what your daughter sees in him. My guess is that he is a totally uninteresting oaf and this way your daughter will find out, without being embarrassed or being driven away.

I remember at 18 thinking I knew it all. I was actually only thinking earlier on about the relationship I was in when I was 18 I wish my mother voiced her concerns then, rather than 6 years later when we broke up and I was so mentally damaged that I still to this day ( nearly 50) get a sick feeling in my stomach. I probably wouldn't have listened to her completely, but her words might have stayed in my head and it definitely would have given me food for thought.

I'd not have him in my house, and hopefully she does get to move soon away from him.

@passthemustard

So... a couple of weeks ago my DD(18) went out with her BF (20) and some friends and they all had a few drinks. She was staying at his house and they went back with one of his friends (F) as the friends Dad was going to pick her up from there. The friend passed out on the bed while waiting for her dad and my DD feeling worse for wear went to sleep on the bed beside her. Only she woken some time later by her BF and this friend having sex. She appears to have forgiven him but I can't get over it. I think she's a mug and I don't want him in my house. She says she won't finish with him so I need to get over myself and she's more cross with me not allowing him in the house than she is for him doing what he did. AIBU?

I'd say let him in the house to keep an eye and not to push her away. But make no effort to be polite or conversational unless he does try to speak to you, even then I'd give a minimal response. Being 18 she's probably just thinking that she loves him and her won't do it again etc.

It doesn't make any sense, OP. You can't be passed out and then participating with a clear mind a short time later.

[quote passthemustard]@CoraPirbright
The girl was his 'friend' not hers.
Her friends have all said that to her. HIS friends have all said this to her. I have said this to her. Again and again. I cannot understand why she thinks this behaviour is ok!
[/quote]
She loves him
We have all been there. OP, be bad cop.

You should focus less on the deadbeat boyfriend and more on building up your daughter's self esteem. Especially if she is going to be living away with college soon. Maybe counselling might help. Something similar happened to my Sister and she never spoke to the guy again and she doesn't have great esteem to be honest. It really is a problem that your daughter accepts this behaviour I'm sorry to say. I definitely wouldn't ban him. My eyes would be very firmly on him.

Jesus no I wouldn't have him.

It sounds like he raped the friend.

Everything I've heard that happened during after and since the incident points to the other girl being a willing partner.

It's still completely morally dubious to have sex with a girl so drunk she just passed out

He undoubtedly has dubious morals

OP I've only read your responses thus far so I'm not sure if this has been raised (probably has) - I'd be worried about STI and the impact it can have on her fertility for your daughter. She should get herself tested ASAP.

Re consent and the other girl, if I'd passed out on bed I doubt I'd be in any fit state to consent to anything within a short period of time.

I think I'd ask him to his face wtf he thought he was doing. I would definitely not allow h8m into my house

She has agreed to go for a full STI screen.

I'm completely certain that the other girl consented. Or I wouldn't let DD see him at all and I would taking it further (in whatever way was appropriate)

Tell her to get an std check.

Tell him and the other girl to fuck off. Tell your daughter to value herself a bit higher or she will be treated like a mug at uni.

This is awful, I feel like your DD needs help to work on her self esteem if she's willing to put up with being treated that awfully him, the girl, his friends and her own friends must all think she is such a mug. He must literally be laughing at what he can get away with and it makes me so mad for her!

@lavenderlove I don't want to have to see his face because I might punch it.

I've told her she's a mug. She's intelligent, ambitious, political and this guy is pretty thick if I'm honest. He must be so stupid to do that right next to her. She's too good for him without him acting like this. (I'm biased of course 😂) I cant understand why she would want to be with him.

I worry the more I tell her she's stupid the longer she'll stay with him. Considering phoning his mum to be honest.

Gosh, I would phone his mum if you know her because I'd want to explain why you have no peace of mind now, given they're so young.

If the other girl was definitely consenting, stop saying she passed out. That creates a very misleading picture.

Even if she can't stick up for herself, you can stick up for her and show that this behaviour is not acceptable.