To not want DDs boyfriend in our home..

[passthemustard]

So... a couple of weeks ago my DD(18) went out with her BF (20) and some friends and they all had a few drinks. She was staying at his house and they went back with one of his friends (F) as the friends Dad was going to pick her up from there.
The friend passed out on the bed while waiting for her dad and my DD feeling worse for wear went to sleep on the bed beside her. Only she woken some time later by her BF and this friend having sex.
She appears to have forgiven him but I can't get over it. I think she's a mug and I don't want him in my house. She says she won't finish with him so I need to get over myself and she's more cross with me not allowing him in the house than she is for him doing what he did.
AIBU?

If the other girl had come round but was under the influence, she couldn't consent.

I wouldn’t have him or the friend in my house
Not unreasonable at all- he’s a shit

Heap love on your DD though and keep reminding her how wonderful she is and how she has choices not to be anyone’s second best

Hmm, I’m sort of amazed that a young woman with her whole life in front of her and a “good” potentially prosperous life ahead of her, would have such a low bar for the men she lets into her life.

I wonder if you could approach it like that? You know, it’s confusing you have it all, the world at your feet and you’re smart, capable, having integrity, and then you are ok with this. And I wonder if this is a generational thing where I simple don’t get it? And as your mum I don’t want to judge you or make you feel crap, but I want to understand why this isn’t a big deal for you. Or if it is a big deal, but you’re perhaps embarrassed or frightened to face it? You’re an adult, obviously your free to do as you wish, but I’m here. I’m open to talking it through with you.

No. I wouldn't allow him in the house.

@Atalune

Hmm, I’m sort of amazed that a young woman with her whole life in front of her and a “good” potentially prosperous life ahead of her, would have such a low bar for the men she lets into her life.

I wonder if you could approach it like that? You know, it’s confusing you have it all, the world at your feet and you’re smart, capable, having integrity, and then you are ok with this. And I wonder if this is a generational thing where I simple don’t get it? And as your mum I don’t want to judge you or make you feel crap, but I want to understand why this isn’t a big deal for you. Or if it is a big deal, but you’re perhaps embarrassed or frightened to face it? You’re an adult, obviously your free to do as you wish, but I’m here. I’m open to talking it through with you.

She likes the bad boys. Maybe she'll grow out of it.

Bad boys??

Fuck me- I liked bad boys and the worst they did was drive terrible cars too fast, didnt return my calls and would get drunk at parties.

Regardless of common decency and whether the other girl was in a fit state to consent to sex, he abused your DD's trust .

  By refusing  to have him in the house,   you are giving your DD a valuable  lesson in adult life.  Showing her  that strong  women  set their own boundaries,    say  NO  to unacceptable behaviour  by men, and  mean it. 

   If her mum can do it, maybe she'll feel brave enough to do the same,   and  shut him out of her own life. 

    















  I think if you refuse to have him in the  house

I'd not let him in the house but I'd also not push it beyond that. Hope that uni makes it all fizzle out. He won't be able to visit if she's in halls, and she wont be able to visit him for the first two weeks as students will be in their new "household" quarantine. Two weeks, a lot of Freshers, nothing to do and nowhere to go? They'll all be shagging like rabbits. She'll find someone else by day five. And Covid measures give her an excuse to get rid.

I'd only let him in the house long enough to tell him why he wasn't ever allowed in the house again.

If she doesn't get her grades tomorrow she's talking about trying to get into the nearest uni through clearing. Just 30 minutes away. 😱

I'm praying for the results so hard!!!

I'd keep it very simple.
"No"
"why blah blah blah, you're so whatever, blah blah, mum, do what I want"
"no, not a chance"
"But blah blah blah whatever"
"When you move out you can have anyone you like round, but not in my house"
"you're so unfair"
"No, I'm not and I am not discussing it again"

My dilemma would be

1. Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer. So I’d want him around to keep an eye

OR

1. Say no until he has proved himself for next 3 months. After that - if no issue, then I’d accept him back and would be polite and no tension (or at least pretend I didn’t want to stab him in the eye)

Oh I would let him in. And then I would tell him in no uncertain terms that I know exactly what he’s about and what I thought of him. I would make the fucker squirm so much he would be out of there like a shot.

As for the other girl, there really is no way of knowing what might or might not have happened there. OP’s dd said they’ve had sex before, a lot of people do have sex when drunk, and if she was awake, given she’s a regular sexual partner of his it’s entirely possible she consented. But either way, the police really won’t do anything if the mother of a girl he cheated on rings them and says she thinks this girl didn’t consent because she had heard x or y from a 3rd party....

Does the boyfriend know she has told you? If so he has some balls coming into your house and facing you! Cheeky sod!

Fingers crossed your daughter gets away from this loser

@Sunflowerlover20
Exactly! He must know because he knows he's not allowed in! Why would he want to come in and show his shameful face.

YANBU and she needs to get an STI check.

Part of me would want him to come into the house, and then I would tell him I know, it’s an awful way to treat your daughter and totally unacceptable. I would then question if he used a condom , and if he has subsequently been tested

I would make it really difficult for him

Do you have a scary looking husband 😜

@Smiliboo unfortunately not 😂😂

@Huhokthen

...this man "had sex" with an unconscious girl, in your house!? That's what we call rape. You should have called the police.

Not in her house and the girl had come round and wasn't unconscious. Please read the thread. Why's it op job to call the police if that is needed ?

You need to get over yourself?

Fucking hell I don't know how she dare say that when she hasn't got the sense to dump her shitbag bf!

Fingers crossed she’ll head off to uni and realise there’s a world full of nicer men out there. Good luck for Thursday op and dd! FWIW I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, I’d feel the same.

A long hard conversation with dd about her self esteem and self worth for 1.

If this girl was so pissed she had passed out, she’s Likely to be still too drunk to consent.

Sorry OP but I think her self esteem is in the gutter to be accepting this behaviour from a mere 'Boyfriend' and so called 'Friend' ... she may be intelligent but her life choices are questionable ... I wouldn't let the dirty disrespectful twat over my door either ... if you let him into your home.. you are supporting her belief that this behaviour is acceptable ... and she will be treated like shit her entire life ... Fuck That 🌺

[quote passthemustard]@Patriciawentworth
The girl is older and is in the armed forces. I'm confident she consented. [/quote]
Nobody can go from passed out drunk to consenting within a few hours. She'd have still been utterly pissed. What your DD's POS BF did could easily be classed as rape.

YANBU at all, she clearly has low self esteem and lacks self respect, so it's up to you as a parent to support her in developing some. Keep the slimeball out of your house!