To not want DDs boyfriend in our home..

[passthemustard]

So... a couple of weeks ago my DD(18) went out with her BF (20) and some friends and they all had a few drinks. She was staying at his house and they went back with one of his friends (F) as the friends Dad was going to pick her up from there.
The friend passed out on the bed while waiting for her dad and my DD feeling worse for wear went to sleep on the bed beside her. Only she woken some time later by her BF and this friend having sex.
She appears to have forgiven him but I can't get over it. I think she's a mug and I don't want him in my house. She says she won't finish with him so I need to get over myself and she's more cross with me not allowing him in the house than she is for him doing what he did.
AIBU?

I would be upset - we all want the best for our offspring and someone taking advantage of her like that is not what she deserves.

How do you know all this? Did she tell you? What did you say?

I do not think you should have him in your house - tell him you only want people in your home who treat others with respect.

She has forgiven him! Where is her self-respect?!

I really hope she gets the grades to move 200 miles away from this nasty prick 🤞

And she raises the bar at uni. I have DDs late teens and I hate hearing what some of their friends put up with ... and possibly them too but they aren’t as open with me so be glad you’re DD told you about this.

I'm not confident she consented at all. How can you be confident of that if she really was passed out. I'd be more worried about her safety than whether he was causing conflict between you and your daughter. If I was you I would be explaining to my daughter why no one who has sex with someone so drunk is safe to be around. I would let him in the house because you're not going to stop the relationship and it's marginally safer having him under your roof than in some strange dive where you're not easily available. But I'd be explaining this reasoning to my daughter and make it conditional on some therapy for her because she's not off to a great start, is she. Boundaries needed.

I just want to reassure you that as an 18 year old, I moved away 200miles for uni. I went a tad off the rails. Very quickly learned my lessons and by 20 I was ok.
22 I met my future (now) husband.
Unfortunately (and I'm dreading it with mine!) sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. 💔

Do they have sex under your roof normally?

YANBU. It's not that I wouldn't have him in the house. I physically couldn't. I'd be unable to stop myself saying what I thought. And it would make my flesh crawl.

Yanbu.

If that was my daughter I'd have to say that if she insisted he entered the house, they would both have to accept the consequences...i.e. me ripping him a new one

Hi OP thanks for your response.

I don’t want to push it too much - the consent issue- because I’m conscious that you have (for good reasons) withheld some details.

But purely on the basis of the information you’ve given, I think there has got to be a big question mark over whether this girl was sober enough to consent to sex. She’d been drinking, to such an extent that she’d passed out shortly before, while waiting to be collected. That sounds to me like being too drunk for meaningful consent. The fact that she’d slept with this man previously doesn’t affect this - you need to consent each time. Nor does the fact that she is older & had been in the armed services. Anyone can be raped when drunk. Sadly.

There’s such a huge stigma attached to rape & sexual assault - it can be very difficult to face up to the possibility of it happening in your own life, particularly when the possible victim is seen as a ‘bad girl’- drunk, promiscuous, a disloyal friend.

Someone above mentioned that the consent question wasn’t your issue. I see the point - but I think it needs to be. One point is that younger women can be very vulnerable to male exploitation - I think we (older women) with more life experience need to step up to protect them. It is a moral duty, however unlikeable they may be. The other is that your daughter is with this guy. If he raped this girl, if he was careless about consent, if he took advantage of a drunk young woman, that’s a huge issue for your daughter (even putting aside his absolutely appalling behaviour in having sex with her in the same room). Not just in terms of your her well being - how will he treat her? - but also in terms of why she doesn’t see this is a problem. How does she see relationships? Why? Is she vulnerable to predatory men?

There’s a film (documentary) on Netflix called Audrie and Daisy. Might be worth watching with your daughter before uni to lead onto a discussion of male behaviour, alcohol & sex. (It’s extremely sad. Daisy committed suicide very recently.)

But in your shoes, on the info you’ve given, I would be trying to speak to someone in my local force who deals with sexual offences, to ask for advice. I’d just want to know I’d tried.

Sorry for the essay.

@Jihhery
The story that I've heard (from my eye witness DD) is she was awake and participating.

He would have to have some gall to show up at your house. If he does, be sure to get the china out, lay the table and then sit down, pour him a cuppa and then, very politely ask him to explain why he had sex with another girl on the bed next to your daughter!! Make him squirm. And then kick him out!! But seriously, you do not have to have him in the house and neither will it push your daughter away. She's young. She's headstrong. But one day, in the hopefully not too distant future, she will be grateful that you taught her to respect herself!

yanbu. teach your daughter to have values.
He had sex not only with her friend but NEXT TO HER! thats disgusting

@Patriciawentworth
I think I will bring up the issue of consent with DD. It's a valid point and if the girl/woman wasn't fully able to consent then, although I dont feel responsibility for her in the sense of reporting it, it is another huge red flag to his character and his suitability as a boyfriend for my DD (or any female). He had seemed like a nice young man before this.

I heard about the suicide of Daisy and I was interested in watching the documentary so I will rope her in to watch it with me. Thank you.

So your daughter awoke to find her boyfriend and her mate shagging on the bed right next to her? And she thinks this is ok???? The mind utterly boggles!! Does your dd have any sensible, well adjusted, mood boosting friends who could take her out, have a massive long chat and make her see that this is utterly shite behaviour?? That this man (and the girl involved) have the moral compass of alley cats and that she is worth so so so much more than this?? I cannot fathom anyone thinking this is ok.

She clearly is love blind op, don’t try and control how she learns this lesson.

Let her learn it by herself, she’ll never make the same mistake

Btw, my older sister had a boyfriend who liked to put it about. He was still very much welcome in the house. My father, a man of few words, would just sit and stare at him to make him squirm. My mother, on the other hand, adopted a more proactive approach. Every time my sister left the room, she came on strong to him. She told him not to tell my sister as she would never believe him. For my part, I stuffed a dead mole that the cat had caught, into his backpack. Unsurprisingly, he soon lost interest in my sister.

If she was drunk enough to pass out, she was still too drunk to give consent. It's not like he was her boyfriend, was he? He was in theory your DD's boyfriend.

Your DD's boyfriend takes advantage of drunk women and cheats on your DD. I wouldn't allow him in the house either. If she doesn't have any self respect, she can not have it somewhere else with him.

@CoraPirbright
The girl was his 'friend' not hers.
Her friends have all said that to her. HIS friends have all said this to her. I have said this to her. Again and again. I cannot understand why she thinks this behaviour is ok!

@Arthersleep I love this! 😂 definitely a plan

Stick to your guns, don't allow such a horrible person into your house again. He's shown how little respect he has for your DD. This relationship will fail shortly anyway

Is she really that into him, OP?
Was she really upset he cheated? Her reaction may be telling-maybe they are a swingers-type of crowd, maybe she's indifferent to him having sex with other women.

When I said, that the consent or lack thereof, of the young woman who this man was having sex with, was not her problem, could I just clarify, that this was not her realm of responsibility or authority to address, with that young woman. Not her 'brief' as such. But yes, I agree, I'd be attempting to explore your daughter's beliefs surrounding consent, because I have to admit, I've been fairly surprised with what some young people believe about such issues.

I wouldn't ban him from the house - my parents did this to my (horrible) boyfriend when I was 17 and it only made me want to be with him more. Please sit down and have a chat with her about her own self worth and how she deserves better though.

^ This. I don't like my DD's boyfriend for a whole host of reasons but he's still welcome here. I manage to be polite and civil with him and he's coming on holiday with us next time we manage to get away. It's worth it to me as I don't want to risk pushing her away.

The girl is older and is in the armed forces. I'm confident she consented.

I don’t even know what you mean by this. Being in the armed forces doesn’t equate to consent.

Older women get raped by younger men.

What are you even talking about??

@passthemustard

The other girl had come round and was consenting.

If that case -I wouldn't class her as a friend either. No I wouldn't want either of them in my house. I'd be wanting to talk to her about her self -esteem.