AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

[DinoRavager]

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

Would be nice to give him the choice. Consent and all that.

Why is it that consent only applies to women according to some people on MN? Both parties involved should be giving and receiving enthusiastic, informed consent.

People keep talking about consent in the wrong way. Yes, I think people should have informed consent to have sex. No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that. There is nothing at detriment to him. There’s been a lot of talking about possible leaking, etc - it doesn’t. I don’t use them if my period is heavy enough for that. There is no leaking, smell, me passing on STIs. Nothing.

If there was a genuine reason that I felt he should know then that would be different, but I don’t see it.

I want to just ask this in a different way - despite your (or my) views on prostitution, Ive heard this has been a common trick to keep working whilst on their period. The clients don’t know - should they have been informed? Or is it different somehow because of how you view the client?

Why are you even bothering to ask? You think you are right so it’s a pointless conversation. You are not willing to have a grown up conversation about it with him so what more can anyone else say.

No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that

Just because you don’t view it that way doesn’t mean he thinks the same as you.

I think DinoRavager that you asked the question, having been surprised at yours friends reaction and expecting the majority to agree with you (which I do, particularly in the circumstances you describe and with the time where you did bleed unexpectedly and he wasn't bothered - if that that point he'd had an adverse reaction I would maybe feel differently about it).
As it turns out the majority are with your friend.
What about a general discussion around how he feels about this when your flow is light towards the end of your period, you don't have to go into your specific issues and length of time periods etc. That way you get to gauge how he feels and can make a decision based on that.

@DinoRavager

People keep talking about consent in the wrong way. Yes, I think people should have informed consent to have sex. No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that. There is nothing at detriment to him. There’s been a lot of talking about possible leaking, etc - it doesn’t. I don’t use them if my period is heavy enough for that. There is no leaking, smell, me passing on STIs. Nothing.

If there was a genuine reason that I felt he should know then that would be different, but I don’t see it.

I want to just ask this in a different way - despite your (or my) views on prostitution, Ive heard this has been a common trick to keep working whilst on their period. The clients don’t know - should they have been informed? Or is it different somehow because of how you view the client?

The idea of informed consent is that a person, in possession of all the information, makes a choice. He isn't in possession of all of the information. He can't consent if you've decided to keep something from him.

How would you feel if his penis bled occasionally but he didn't tell you until it happened during oral sex? Would you be ok with that?

The majority vote agrees. Just not some of the vocal comments.

A man bleeding from him penis (a serious medical condition) is not the same as a period (biological). It not a like for like.

You are clutching on the ‘what ifs’ and hypotheticals rather than the facts. There is no bleeding in anyone’s mouth. It doesn’t happen.

But yes, that is the thing. I’d rather gauge how he felt about it generally. I don’t think he has any right to know I bleed frequently. If I do raise it would be as a situational occurrence - if he’s cool with it then, I see no reason to mention it again and can avoid explaining the rest.

@DinoRavager

The majority vote agrees. Just not some of the vocal comments.

A man bleeding from him penis (a serious medical condition) is not the same as a period (biological). It not a like for like.

You are clutching on the ‘what ifs’ and hypotheticals rather than the facts. There is no bleeding in anyone’s mouth. It doesn’t happen.

It doesn't have to be serious - could be a torn frenulum, a tight foreskin that sometimes tears a little - at the end of the day blood is blood. If you think everyone should be ok with getting period blood on them or in their mouths then why not blood from anywhere else?

There is no bleeding in anyone’s mouth. It doesn’t happen.

Have you ever had a urine test whilst on your period with this sponge in use? I've had them with a tampon in place and dipstick showed presence of blood, I just couldn't see it. Wonder if the sponge is the same? You yourself said leaks can happen.

Yes, interestingly the majority vote of 74% indicating informed consent from a man is not necessary almost exactly matches the majority vote among men of 80% who think it is not rape if the woman says she doesn’t feel like having sex but consents anyway.

In other words, majority vote doesn’t always = correct or ethical. It merely highlights the extent of ignorance about what is true consent to sex.

People keep talking about consent in the wrong way. Yes, I think people should have informed consent to have sex. No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that
You don't believe in informed consent because you are happy to prevent someone giving informed consent.

What you've decided is because YOU aren't bothered by sex on your period that someone else doesn't deserve the right to make an informed decision about their sex life.

despite your (or my) views on prostitution, Ive heard this has been a common trick to keep working whilst on their period. The clients don’t know - should they have been informed? Or is it different somehow because of how you view the client?
Clutching at straws here to try and argue you're right to prevent a sexual partner giving informed consent here.

Once more for the OP at the back EVERYONE has the right to give informed consent. That includes clients of prostitues.
Although it would be important to be aware of power issues in the sex industry, coercion from those running prostitutes and so on if a woman didn't disclose.

Crucially, this is not the same situation as you withdrawing your partner's right to give informed consent because you fancy a shag.

So even though we have heard from both men and women that enjoy sex with women, that they would not appreciate this being witheld from them, you ignore their views, the ones who are actually doing it, and say "well i think its ok so it must be"

Selfish

As long as he's using a condom and not coming into contact with your blood then I don't think he needs to know. Personally I would tell him though, it's not a big deal.

@Crystal87

As long as he's using a condom and not coming into contact with your blood then I don't think he needs to know. Personally I would tell him though, it's not a big deal.

I doubt he wears a condom over his head during oral sex tbh

@DinoRavager

The majority vote agrees. Just not some of the vocal comments.

A man bleeding from him penis (a serious medical condition) is not the same as a period (biological). It not a like for like.

You are clutching on the ‘what ifs’ and hypotheticals rather than the facts. There is no bleeding in anyone’s mouth. It doesn’t happen.

I'm on my mobile and can't vote as don't have the option.

This exact post has been posted before....

@DinoRavager

People keep talking about consent in the wrong way. Yes, I think people should have informed consent to have sex. No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that. There is nothing at detriment to him. There’s been a lot of talking about possible leaking, etc - it doesn’t. I don’t use them if my period is heavy enough for that. There is no leaking, smell, me passing on STIs. Nothing.

If there was a genuine reason that I felt he should know then that would be different, but I don’t see it.

I want to just ask this in a different way - despite your (or my) views on prostitution, Ive heard this has been a common trick to keep working whilst on their period. The clients don’t know - should they have been informed? Or is it different somehow because of how you view the client?

The thing is that's your view. It may well also be his, but equally if he was given the choice he might choose not to have sex while you were bleeding. Or have sex but not oral.

By not telling him you are taking away his choice. You are choosing for him. That just doesn't sit right with me. You are comfortable with sex during your period. That's fine. But he also should be allowed to decide if that's something he wants to do.

You don't believe in informed consent because you are happy to prevent someone giving informed consent.

Actually, no. You've completely misunderstood the question.
The question isn't whether I should get informed consent. The question is whether being on my period is something that needs consent.

I've already said twice that I will consider mentioning it in a singular situation to see what his reaction would be but that seems to be ignored.

@changemynametonight

This exact post has been posted before....

Has it? Can you link to it. I'd be interested to see what was said in a former post.

A man bleeding from him penis (a serious medical condition) is not the same as a period (biological). It not a like for like.

Yes it is. Blood is blood. If you are aware you are bleeding then that is something you should make your sexual partner aware of.

You are clutching on the ‘what ifs’ and hypotheticals rather than the facts. There is no bleeding in anyone’s mouth. It doesn’t happen

You cannot 100% guarantee that and he should be given the option to choose to ensure that risk is 0% by not engaging in certain sexual activities.

The question is whether being on my period is something that needs consent.

And the answer is: It does.

It is something that might affect what, if any, sexual contact he wants to have with you during your period. He might be totally fine with it, he might want to not have any kind of sexual contact or he might want to limit it to certain things and not do others (eg PIV is fine with a condom but not oral etc) but unless he is informed then he can't make that choice and you dont have informed consent.

how is this still going lol

The question isn't whether I should get informed consent. The question is whether being on my period is something that needs consent
And yet you've said this:

People keep talking about consent in the wrong way. Yes, I think people should have informed consent to have sex. No, I don’t view concealed periods as part of that.
There is nothing at detriment to him.
There’s been a lot of talking about possible leaking, etc - it doesn’t. I don’t use them if my period is heavy enough for that. There is no leaking, smell, me passing on STIs. Nothing.
If there was a genuine reason that I felt he should know then that would be different, but I don’t see it.

Doesn't sound much like wanting informed consent if you think people are talking about consent in the 'wrong' way, then saying you don't see why he should have information to allow him to make an informed decision.

Don't even get me started on the 'genuine reason' bullshit. People don't need a reason to refrain from a sexual act other than 'I don't want to'.

People have a choice whether to engage in sexual acts.
People have a choice on any sexual play.
People have a choice whether they want sex on their period.
People have a choice whether they want to engage in sexual activity with someone on their period.

Whatever their decicion, no explanation is needed, no justification is needed, no 'genuine reasons' are needed.

If their partner is concealing information that could affect their choice then their partner is out of order.

I like the tea video about consent. On a similar line of thought, just because I like Assam tea doesn't mean it's reasonable to make a pot for others, who'd be expecting typical English breakfast, not mention it's Assam and then wait and see if they notice or expect them to drink it because "I like Assam tea and you've not got a genuine reason not to".

I too like the tea video! It is perfect analogy for consent.