Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

352 replies

DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

OP posts:
Palavah · 13/08/2020 16:24

@comeonnbabypopmybubble

I didn't recommend hiding it?

Warsawa31 · 13/08/2020 16:32

you feel comfortable enough to have sex with with him but not talk about being on your period.

melj1213 · 13/08/2020 17:08

Your body, your choice. His body, his choice and that includes whether or not to have sexual contact with someone on their period.

You might want to have sex during your period, he may not. You might be happy with him giving you oral during your period, he may not. Equally he might not give a fuck but unless you inform him of the fact you are on your period - therefore allowing him to make the decision of whether he wants to have sex/give oral at that time - then he is not giving informed consent.

If you cant sit down and have a discussion about having sex during your period then you shouldnt be doing it.

NiceGerbil · 13/08/2020 17:11

If he's using a condom I can't see an issue, if it keeps the menstrual blood out of the way, which op says it does.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2020 17:16

STDs can lay dormant. So as long as you know that you are clear, then he doesn't need to know. But I've had fuck buddies and always shared that information.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2020 17:19

@2Rebecca, there's nothing to feel sad about. Some people want a sex life, but not a relationship.

alexdgr8 · 13/08/2020 17:22

i don't believe this is a genuine query/ discussion.
not sure what the motives might be.
think it should be removed.

BluebellForest836 · 13/08/2020 17:28

The OP has already said she uses a sponge and there is no discharge

She’s also said an accident could happen and there has previously been spotting on the sheets so no it isn’t a 100% sure way to say she will have no discharge while he gives oral.

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 17:42

Yes, an accident could happen (as it could with any form of san pro), but generally I know my flow. A range of other accidents could happen but I don’t live my life mitigating accidents that aren’t that likely.

The sponge has never leaked. There is no ‘period discharge’. I’ve had leaking from other san pro - but only when I’m heavy. I don’t have sex when it’s heavy. Spotting has occurred randomly and unexpectedly - not whilst using the sponge.

The sponge is not like other forms of san pro. It sits right at the cervix wall and keeps everything there. You wouldn’t know it’s there unless you know to look for it.

Definitely clear. I had a test before we started dating. I’ve also had one half way through as you can never be too sure. I would have another test if I started dating someone else or found out he had been with anyone else.

I really don’t know what’s sad about having a relationship that focuses on sex. We have fun, chat, watch movies etc but I don’t want more than this right now. And nor does he. It works well.

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 17:45

And I have said this before - if you think this is genuine for any reason (and I really don’t see why you wouldn’t - unless you think there’s something taboo about period sex), then report to MNHQ and let them decide.

OP posts:
Spaceprincess · 13/08/2020 18:01

@Chocolate4me I have a mooncup I have cut the stem off and dremmelled flat so I can have sex with it in. But more for the mess than anything.
I would tell a partner but I've never had one thats been that bothered.

AiryFairyArtyFarty · 13/08/2020 18:08

Bloody hell, just tell him. It's part of life. It gives him the opportunity to say no, is that what you are worried about?

tigger1001 · 13/08/2020 18:10

I wouldn't have sex when having my period - my periods are heavy and really uncomfortable so I just don't feel sexy. Boobs are really painful too so the last thing I want is anyone near them Smile. That's just me though and if op is up for it then fine and good.

There is nothing shameful about a period, however if the op did really feel that she wouldn't have an issue at having a conversation around whether he is up for sex/oral while she is on her period.

I do think he has the right to say yes or no. Doesn't make him weak or squeamish etc and maybe really doesn't care, as long as he is getting to have sex. But he deserves to be able to make the choice.

Let's turn it around. The guy wants sex while his partner is having a period but his partner feels decidedly unsexy and would rather not. Should she just have sex anyway, after all it's just a normal bodily function? Or does she have the right to say, you know what, I'd just rather not tonight?

Elsiebear90 · 13/08/2020 18:11

Well the thing is if you didn’t think he would mind why wouldn’t you tell him? I can only assume it’s because you’re concerned he will care and for that reason I think you’re being unreasonable.

I have sex with women and tbh I would want to know if someone I was having sex with had a bloody sponge in their vagina as I really wouldn’t wanna be touching that or having it leak on me, I think he has a right to know rather than potentially finding out by accident half way through when you leak blood or he feels it. I had a cervical erosion a while back that could bleed unpredictably and I warned whoever I was sleeping with so they could decide if they were comfortable with potentially getting blood on them.

Original poster
DinoRavager · 13/08/2020 18:19

I’m not worried about him saying no. I worried about opening him to a part of my life I don’t want to share.

I don’t want his sympathy about 4-week long periods. I don’t want him wondering if I have a sponge in every time we have sex (or trying to see if he can tell). I don’t want to be asked every time. And I don’t want to discuss anything emotive to me - it’s not that kind of relationship and I don’t want it to be.

I am happy talking with him about family, friends, my past, interests, work, sex - but this is stressful to me and I don’t want to share it. Perhaps playing it off casually as ‘hey, I have some light bleeding this week but have a way around it’ is the answer if I even need to disclose it - but he is not someone I’m going to have a serious relationship with. There’s plenty we don’t know about each other and I’m not sure he needs to know this.

OP posts:
AiryFairyArtyFarty · 13/08/2020 18:36

Are there other issues going on?
Men know women have periods, it's not a dirty little secret
Why do you feel so uncomfortable?
If you can't give him the choice then stop having sex with him

melj1213 · 13/08/2020 19:51

I’m not sure he needs to know this.

He needs to know. It is not informed consent if you are deliberately not informing him of something that might change his decision on having sexual contact with you on a particular occasion.

Even if it was just a case of on days when you're on your period he chooses not to perform oral sex but is fine with PIV sex, it is something he should be aware of.

LolaSmiles · 13/08/2020 20:09

Perhaps playing it off casually as ‘hey, I have some light bleeding this week but have a way around it’ is the answer if I even need to disclose it - but he is not someone I’m going to have a serious relationship with. There’s plenty we don’t know about each other and I’m not sure he needs to know this.
Don't try to play it off casually or minimise it.
If you're on your period then you're ok your period. By all means say that it's likely to be light due to your chosen sanitary protection, but don't lie to him.

The very fact you seem to want to keep it from him suggests that you think he might not be game for sex on your period and you're hoping to downplay it.

Everyone has the right to informed consent. You're hoping to get round that.

BluebellForest836 · 13/08/2020 20:21

Just send a message when you next arrange to meet and you’re on.l saying something like ‘I’m on my period, it’s only light, is that ok with you?’ Otherwise we will need to rearrange.

It’s really that simple. If he says no then you You will just have to wait or find someone else

LeSquigh · 13/08/2020 20:21

Bloody hell I really don’t get what the fuss is about here - I’m pretty sure men don’t give a shit whether you have your period - certainly none I have been with and it has never stopped the oral side of things either. It’s a basic bit of biology and only a bit of blood. In addition, orgasms are great for period pain!

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/08/2020 22:19

As a bisexual woman, I would not like period sex with a female partner who’d failed to disclose that to me. I’d want to know so I could actually consent. Especially since the risk of STIs is elevated due to period blood contact. I deserve to have the choice before engaging in sex. Similarly with my male partners, I’ve told them when it’s my time for the same safe sex reasons and because I respect them and do not assume consent (because that’s called rape).

Yes it’s intrusive. Yes it’s a part of your life you have to share. But ensuring consent is part of being a adult having sex.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 22:34

@PlanDeRaccordement

Hear, hear.

wildcherries · 13/08/2020 22:55

Yes it’s intrusive. Yes it’s a part of your life you have to share. But ensuring consent is part of being a adult having sex.

Hear, hear +1

Aridane · 14/08/2020 04:15

Hear hear + 2

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 14/08/2020 06:57

Hear hear + 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread