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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not tell him I'm on my period

352 replies

DinoRavager · 12/08/2020 16:19

I have a casual relationship. We meet up roughly every couple of weeks, go for dinner and go back to mine or his. We have a good friendship and enjoy each other's company, but it's not serious and we don't really talk in between meeting up.

I usually cancel if my period is heavy but if my period is light/medium, I just use a menstrual sponge and get on with things. I've never mentioned it to my casual and he doesn't know. It's never leaked or been a problem. If he did ask why I never seem to have a period I'd probably tell him, but I don't think it matters. He doesn't ask, I don't tell.

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent. I don't think my period is any of his business and if it makes no difference, he doesn't need to know.

YABU - He should know I'm on my period
YANBU - It's not his business

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 13/08/2020 12:10

@DinoRavager

Periods are no unhygienic. If you have a problem with having sex on your period that’s absolutely your prerogative but can we stop this misogynistic tropes about periods being unclean, dirty, gross, etc.

And on the flip side, if you do feel all these things about periods perhaps you could understand why I don’t want to discuss month-long bleeding with anyone.

Would you be bothered about getting someone's blood on you or in your mouth? I certainly would. Just because it's period blood it doesn't change the fact that it's still blood.
Palavah · 13/08/2020 12:17

@allsortsofAwkward are you disgusted by all aspects of your biology or just your period?
Periods are not unhygienic. Vaginas are self-cleaning (unlike penises).

Bananabread8 · 13/08/2020 12:22

@Rebelwithallthecause

I feel sorry for all the women out there who bleed between periods and therefore have to abstain or let their partner know each and every time. How demoralising for them

It’s no increased risk of STI to a man, what a scaremongering silly post.

Something like HIV definitely would be more riskier. So OP needs to think about how she would feel if someone had something and held the view “it’s my body I don’t have to inform them”.
Bashingboris · 13/08/2020 12:25

I would strongly suspect that he would appreciate the heads up on this piece of information. If it is such a non issue there should be no harm in letting him know.

If fingers are involved there may be a surprise - Isn’t the g spot is supposed to be a bit spongy.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:33

It’s a a red herring to use one sex act as justification if you don’t think it matters in penetrative sexual.

Well no, because im happy to have sex when im on, but i wouldnt want my partner to go down on me. Not because it's disgusting or dirty or anything like that, because i just dont want to.
I dont know why you posted this if your not prepared to consider that other people, including him, may hold a different viewpoint to yourself.
You dont have to go into a detailed explanation of bleeding for a month. You only have to say that your on but its pretty light. Im sure he will be fine but its about giving him his choice.
If he says he doesnt want to do anything when your bleeding, then perhaps rethink the set up as bleeding for a month would not be compatible with his views if that was the case but at no point do you need to divulge you are bleeding for a month.
Tbf i dont really see whats wrong with telling him that you have extra light spotting throughout the month due to hormones or whatever.
I find it bizarre you find this too personal, yet its not too personal for him to go down on you when your on.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:35

Would you be bothered about getting someone's blood on you or in your mouth? I certainly would. Just because it's period blood it doesn't change the fact that it's still blood.

Exactly. And if my partner came in my mouth without my express permission id knock him the fuck out- verbally of course.

Imworthit · 13/08/2020 12:43

@WearyandBleary this! No judgement on the casual sex, been there, done that. Cried into my pillow every night 😂 lol

If it's casual you owe him fuck all! And it probably suites him to 'forget' about periods, babies and stds. He's a big boy and could ask. He choses not to.

Aridane · 13/08/2020 12:44

I don’t understand how someone can’t see why a man wouldn’t want to have sex while his partner is bleeding?

Exactly - and as a woman, I don’t want to ha e sex while I bleed

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 12:44

I don't think my period is any of his business

If you are putting it on his body, it is.

Imagine if the roles were reversed.

Imworthit · 13/08/2020 12:57

Consent? What the fuck? My period has been irregular in the past. Always came on during sex and I didn't know. I would never sleep with anyone who was uncomfortable with periods. Happens every month! How are they gonna deal with child birth? Etc.

Palavah · 13/08/2020 13:01

There are some really messed up attitudes to menstruation here, very Old Testament.

Some of you seem to think a period is something to be ashamed of, or excused?

1TimeC · 13/08/2020 13:04

I have an open relationship and a fairly regular fwb and she always tells me.

I wonder at the increased risk posed by blood contact?

I have no issue sleeping with my partner when she is on. I would have no problem sleeping with my fwb if I wasn't otherwise in an open relationship.

Friend seems to think it's worth telling me and it turns out I do have a view on it

Imworthit · 13/08/2020 13:06

I was once on a date, watching a film. Leaked through my pants. The guy spent an hour calling me dirty. He actually asked for another date. I told him he wasn't mature enough to date me. He was 31 by the way.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 13:14

@Imworthit

No one is asking you to sleep with him. And it sounds like she isnt planning on any children with him.
She thinks its personal enough that she doesn't want him to know she has irregular bleeding, but his opinion is irrelevant.
Surely if he's a dick about it just bin him off?

Rebelwithallthecause · 13/08/2020 13:16

Blimey

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 13/08/2020 13:20

Some of you seem to think a period is something to be ashamed of, or excused?

Precisely because I don't think that I don't see what the secrecy is about or why if some women are so averse to men that don't like periods , hiding it seems like the better option.

Imworthit · 13/08/2020 13:27

I'd love a sex Ed class from the people who think you can control a period the same as an ejaculation. Love to know how that's done?

I'm outie before the old testament psychos piss me off.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 13:31

So i take it @Imworthit and OP you're happy to give him oral once he's already been inside you when your on....?

No one is asking you to control your period. I just personally think before you let someone give you oral they deserve to know and if theyre not bothered fine. But don't deliberately withhold it from them.

Imworthit · 13/08/2020 13:45

@Wavescrashingonthebeach of course I'd be a hypocrite if I said otherwise. Not for everyone, just doesn't bother me or my partner.

Of course I discuss all aspects of my sex life and sexual health with any partner.

My point tho, probably badly made, is that I have concern that op isn't comfortable talking to this guy about this.

chipsandpeas · 13/08/2020 14:05

im with the others that say you arent giving him a choice, maybe he would mind maybe he wouldnt but then it would be his decision

RunningFromInsanity · 13/08/2020 14:30

@DopamineHits

I was talking to a friend about it and she said it's unfair to have sex with him whilst on my period without his consent.

That is really weird.

And are some men that squeamish? Most of us are bleeding for a week every month. We're bleeding for 12 weeks a year Grin And not to mention all the conditions that can cause bleeding during/after sex. If a man can't handle the thought that he may come into contact with a bit of blood, he may be more comfortable limited to his hand.

You would be happy potentially licking your period discharge? Which is what could happen if he gives oral.
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 13/08/2020 16:04

@Imworthit

Well on that we can agree. You and your partner are comfortable with it which is great. And you have open communication which is also great. I think thats important.

I discussed this thread with my partner and he agreed with me- sex wouldnt bother him, but oral would, and he would be upset if i deliberately witheld that from him re giving oral when on.

I think the key is just communicate so both partners are on the same page.

LolaSmiles · 13/08/2020 16:11

Here was me thinking that when it comes to matters of the bedroom all parties should give informed consent.

It's not informed if he isn't told. It's as simple as that to me.

The female body is nothing to be ashamed of so what's the problem with honesty between two adults?

GladAllOver · 13/08/2020 16:13

You would be happy potentially licking your period discharge? Which is what could happen if he gives oral.
The OP has already said she uses a sponge and there is no discharge.

2Rebecca · 13/08/2020 16:20

I find it sad that the relationship seems to be mainly about sex and no meeting up if no sex. I would let a bloke know if I'm having my period. I wouldn't have sex on heavy days, light is OK if sheets etc protected/ spongy thing/ diaphragm. No oral then though, but I'm not a big fan of it anyway