AIBU to be at wits end with disabled neighbour?

[Enderwits]

Fully expecting to get flamed but wanted to see what others think.

So as not to drip feed - myself and youngest ds have diagnosed autism. And I worked as a support worker for nearly ten years so do understand both sides and that she can’t really help it. That being said...

I am at my wits end. Our neighbour is a disabled lady who needs 24 hour care, more supervision really as she is fairly mobile and will help hang the washing out etc.

We have always been polite and spoken to her when seeing her out/in the garden etc. Most of the time she is quite friendly.

However her behaviour is deteriorating rapidly. She is now attacking staff, often in the garden (have heard them crying on the phone after being assaulted) and has started to scream and bang loudly on windows/shared walls/cars and shouting ‘fuck off’ far more frequently. As an example, the last two mornings we have been woken up at 4am with this. My youngest ds has autism and is extremely distressed when this happens.

She is also now doing it throughout the day. As you can imagine we don’t really want to have to keep all doors/windows closed for hours in this heat.

She has now started to scream ‘fuck off next door neighbour’ when my children/we are in the garden. We had to leave the paddling pool this morning due to it and my ds has been shaking and upset for the last two hours she won’t stop screaming and banging her windows.

I’m writing this as she is packing the car so we can bugger off for the day.

Over the last few months I’ve tried to just calm the dc with ‘come inside, ‘X’ is just a bit upset’ and do understand that I can’t exactly complain as she can’t really help it.

WIBU to have a chat with the manager when I next see her and just explain how much this is upsetting ds? When I was a support worker a gentleman I worked for ended up in a secure facility after deteriorating in what seems to be the same way (he threw a fire extinguisher at my head and ripped someone’s hair out).

She agrees with me, but DM says I shouldn’t say anything as one day that could be ds (though I think I’d agree if he was doing that then he probably was in the wrong setting).

AIBU?

Sorry ‘Dh is packing the car’ not ‘she’.

And ‘DH’ not ‘she’ agrees with me. Should have rechecked post!

Sounds like she might need residential care, and if the agency that sends the carers are half decent they should be very aware of that and setting wheels in motion. The problem is with Covid these things will be taking longer. It sounds very hard, hopefully someone is working with her that knows her situation and is willing and able to help.

I did think that to be honest.

It is a shame as before all this started up she seemed quite capable/independent.

If there is someone you can say something to then I would. There might not be anything they can do, but if there is something then it might not be done until complaints are made and they’re forced into it what with social Services budgets being the way they are.

I wouldn’t see it as complaining about the woman though, you could be doing her a favour. She sounds distressed and probably needs more support.

Have you started logging incidents with the police, or housing authority?

I would sadly say that is your next logical step, as unpalatable as that is, you are still witnessing assaults, receiving verbal abuse and being intimidated in your home - regardless of who is doing it and how vulnerable they are.

It may be the hot weather has affected the health or had an impact on dehydration or UTI, but your not privy to that information.

YANBU
I feel for your neighbour and you and your family in this situation.
It seems to me that your neighbour needs much more support. As PP has suggested maybe she needs more assistance which a residential care setting could provide. She certainly sounds to be in distress and potentially in the midst of a mental health crisis.
I think you should speak to the manager and explain your concerns both for your neighbour as well as the effects on your children. Maybe also speak to social services too.
I do hope things get better for all of you.

I'd report to social care provider as well, flagging concern for a vulnerable adult.

I'd definitely say something but come at it from the angle of the rapid deterioration. The carers might be different each time and not see it like you do living next door and seeing her every day.

Screaming at you and banging on the windows is terrifying and intimidating whether you and your DS have autism or are NT. You shouldn't have to deal with that.

(Also, in this heat it's best to keep the sun out as much as possible so draw the curtains all day and keep the windows closed. If you have blackout blinds, that's even better.)

I would report it in the hope it leads to better support for your neighbour (and a better life for your family too). Sometimes these things need to be reported to get the help needed.

On a slight side note, you posted this at 9.25am and said that she'd shouted at you and DS in the paddling pool this morning and as a result he'd been upset for several hours already, which implies that you were out in the paddling pool around 7am or even earlier. I do think that's a little inconsiderate to neighbors in terms of noise levels at that time in the morning. Clearly this lady has other issues and you're well within your rights to try to get her the support she needs, but I wouldn't be delighted if my neighbor's kids were outside my house in a paddling pool that early in the morning either.

Yes if you report what is happening it might help to get her the new care that she needs faster.

Thank you, I wasn’t sure whether I was right to say anything after talking to DM.

The heat probably isn’t helping! Though this has been a decline over a few months so I do think some more support would help her.

I feel quite sorry for the staff as well. It seems to start out of the blue. One minute they are happy and chatting and the next getting attacked.

Our old manager doubled us up when it became clear there was something up, I hope she does the same for them (but then money is always tight now and they’d probably need to get funding for double cover).

I’ll speak to the manager when I next see her.

And ds has been mollified with an ice lolly (well two) now.

@RealMermaid

On a slight side note, you posted this at 9.25am and said that she'd shouted at you and DS in the paddling pool this morning and as a result he'd been upset for several hours already, which implies that you were out in the paddling pool around 7am or even earlier. I do think that's a little inconsiderate to neighbors in terms of noise levels at that time in the morning. Clearly this lady has other issues and you're well within your rights to try to get her the support she needs, but I wouldn't be delighted if my neighbor's kids were outside my house in a paddling pool that early in the morning either.

Maybe if they hadn’t been woken up at 4 am they wouldn’t be

Well the cafe staff need to be referring this up and getting her help.

It's obvious she isnt coping and recognising this is following duty if cafe not being respectful to the disabled lady.

My son is also autistic.

I use to get so cross when he had a meltdown and people just shrugged saying "it's because he's autistic"

I use to question if that's ok then? So he can self harm because he's autistic but if someone else was doing it they can get help?

And if she's assaulting staff it's still assault legally. Obviously circumstances are taken into account within a justice system but no one should be just accepting it. It isn't good for them or this lady. What happens when she's become so distressed that one day she assumes someone out of the hone because her MH has deteriorated so much?

You are absolutely doing the right thing by seeking her the support she needs and making sure her safety and well being needs are being met.

On a slight side note, you posted this at 9.25am and said that she'd shouted at you and DS in the paddling pool this morning and as a result he'd been upset for several hours already, which implies that you were out in the paddling pool around 7am or even earlier.

We were woken at 4am this morning due to the screaming/banging on shared (seemingly paper thin) bedroom wall. Disabled neighbour/carer got up then too.

My elderly neighbour on the right side was up and out in his garden as he had also heard it and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Ds is silent the majority of the time (though we are starting to get some mumbles rarely which is great!) so I don’t think him playing would have upset her but I will keep it in mind.

You need to report this, find out who her carers work for as they will have had to document any abuse/ bad behaviour. Then report to police and social services . She obviously needs residential care but reports and a process has to be put in place before this can happen .

It’s a really difficult one as she clearly needs support but obviously there will be some that say that if you complain then you’re not taking into account her disability.

My parents have this with a neighbour who has a severely autistic child who has been throwing rocks over the fence and it’s only a matter of time before he smashes their greenhouse or worse, kills someone - it genuinely is that bad as they’re proper rocks.

My mum had to go round and speak to her, not because she wants to lay blame but because this isn’t just about the child. The woman is lovely, and is a single parent (amazing how often the bloody father seems to disappear) and clearly needs more support. She said things have been so much worse during lockdown because usually he’s in school and his special school is closed and won’t take him.

I do think it’s worth talking to SS and also the care manager although it’s likely the carers are from a private agency so SS still need to be spoken to. IMO.

Can you contact adult social care op? I would take it higher than the care provider.

I think you need to contact your local vunerable adults social work team and ask for an urgent referral. Clearly this lady need far more care than her present carers can provide.

If you know the agency providing her care package you could try contacting them to give them a better view of the situation so they can double up providers temporarily (if of course they have the funding) . They might also have contact numbers for relatives , which though they might not be willing to share those directly with you , you could ask for your details to be passed on.

While the situation is horrible for you and your family it is clear that this poor lady is in a bit of a state, and is currently very vunerable either to harming herself or being harmed. It could be down to something simple like a urine infection, or it could be that she simply can't cope with the level of support she presently has.

It's the situation all of us who live on our own dread. Thankyou for being a caring neighbour.

had similar but with a screaming schizophrenic young woman in our block of flats. she clearly needed to be supported more to take her meds and not dumped in a flat and left to her own devices. Genuinely thought her care team and the council would want to help once I pointed it out to them, but nope. In the end it took months of constantly reporting to police, the council, her care team, emergency services.... until she was finally taken to hospital and sectioned because she had deteriorated so much. Months of being woken at 4/5am by screaming and having to listen to it all day every day. So my advice to you is get reporting it now, don't just put up with it until it gets worse - because these things don't move quickly and the sooner you start building the picture to the services that can actually help, the better

Should I speak to the manager first do you think? To see what is being put in place?

I will report to adult social services if needed but must admit am a bit uncomfortable about reporting to the police.

Thank you all for your advice by the way.

Gosh @Enderwits how awful for you. We had a similar neighbour. It was horrid - but she did move. Eventually.

hopefully you aren’t in Cornwall as Adult Social Care down here isn’t very good

Your mum's logic doesn't really follow. If your DS's behaviour had deteriorated in this way and he was frightening his neighbours and attacking his carers would you want everyone to ignore it and act like everything was fine? I don't think so.

You need to say something OP. It will be best for everyone, including your neighbour. I know it feels shitty but please keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing.

They can't discuss her medical concerns with you though. Report it independently and let the right people deal with it