To think he's stupid?

[inthedarkx]

So my ex has just informed me that his cousin from another country is going to come over this week and stay a couple of months in his flat. So my children won't be able to stay over night there as there will be no room. My only has a one bed flat and it was a squeeze as it is having the children there. Now he will have to come here to see the kids or take them out but with covid there isn't many places to take them. It also means I'll never get a night off. He makes all these decisions and it affects me and the kids life. He's also doing a course as well as working so some weeks he wont be able to come to see the kids until 18:00 and that means he will have to come mine as he can't take them to his flat. I also don't want him to try and tell Me he's taking the kids to stay over at his gf, who lives an hour away. I've never met her personally and she has 3 kids in a 3 bed and I don't want my 6 going to hers where they will be squashed in the living room in a place that's not even their dads and I don't even know where she lives. I'm so angry really. He's constantly messing up our lives and I feel like just going a moon light flit and forgetting he's ever existed!
He says I have no right to complain and that's the reason why he left me. I'm just so angry he's stupid choices affect my children !

I've suggested to him for me to drop kids at front door and he pick them up from there and we don't have to see each other but he refuses and he can't because he changed things that much
He just wants to control me as much as possible
But I'll do as you all say, I'll let him come and go as he pleases, do what he wants and I'll comply like a good girl and when I have a breakdown and end up in hospital my children will have no mum
But it's all ok because he's a man and he has the upper hand and I have no right to complain
Typical Mumsnet

🙄 as if people are saying that!

I think the OP has a talent in reading what she wants rather than what is actually being said.

Your all condoning his behaviour so all your doing is keeping me stuck in this situation by telling Me what he's doing is ok, and I should be happy with it or else I'm the difficult one

Mumsnet is keeping you stuck in this situation?

Seriously?

Your children need to have a routine of when they're seeing their dad. Why does he live in a one bed flat? Is it council or private?

Having his cousin to stay which would mean his children can't is not ok but I don't know why the cousin is coming or if it is too late to do anything about it. So I would let that go for now but you need to tell him that after his cousin goes he needs to have them on certain days. Whilst his cousin is there he will need to find someway to entertain them by taking them out for the day or something.

Your all condoning his behaviour so all your doing is keeping me stuck in this situation by telling Me what he's doing is ok, and I should be happy with it or else I'm the difficult one
But I'll do as you all say, I'll let him come and go as he pleases, do what he wants and I'll comply like a good girl and when I have a breakdown and end up in hospital my children will have no mum
But it's all ok because he's a man and he has the upper hand and I have no right to complain Typical Mumsnet

And there you go with the martydom again... You categorically do NOT have to do anything that anyone on MN says, so stop being so silly. Neither do you have to post on here if you think you will just get "Typical MN responses"! You have been given loads of advice over your many threads about this man. You have taken none of them up, just kept batting back excuses and then drip-feeding info which backs your position up. You have also said "These other stuff he's asked me to do and 'offered' to me which I won't even post on here". If that is the case, then maybe that would alter our view and advice, but you can't just say that and expect us to advise on something we know nothing about! Maybe he is an absolute dog, but we are only getting your side of the story!

Just out of curiosity, if you had a new boyfriend (I don't know if there is anyone on the scene or not currently) and your ex said that he absolutely would NOT allow the children to go to your new partner's place, would you acquiesce or would you take them anyway?

If he is willing to buy a 4 bed house and have the kids live with him why aren't you agreeing? That way you are allowing him to step up, they will have a routine, you won't be being let down last minute and you will get the time you need to better yourself as you are wanting to do.

@Sunrise234 his one bed flat is council. He tried to apply for a two bed because he told them he has his children and he's got 6 but because he doesn't claim child benefit for them he isn't entitled. My ex asked me to hand over rent child benefit to him so he can get a bigger place but then that would then make me not entitled to tax credits and I would then be knocked off my housing list even though the children life full time with me. If it didn't cause issues for me and the children then I would let him but it's not as simple as that.

I've tried to offer constructive advice but I think until you are able to have some counselling and put in place coping strategies your anger is going to prevent you from moving forwards. Are you on the waiting list for counselling?

Or have you not yet requested this from your GP and let them know how urgent it is as your mental health is suffering and you have six children you want to be a healthy and happy parent for?

Don't wait any longer if you haven't yet requested counselling.

@LittleMissRedHat I would never ever take my children to another mans house. That's not me, I've been single since he's left me, I can't have a relationship because he's always around anyway. I would only see a man if my children are at their dads. I'd never have anyone around them. The children have already expressed to me they don't want me to have a boyfriend so I won't.

Why would I want to lose my children? Why would I want him to take my children away from me full time and I'll hardly be in their lives, why would anyone even suggest that? Unbelievable!

I honestly can't believe its been suggested I hand over my children to my ex and his gf in a nice big house, my children will live an hour CAR drive away from me and I don't drive so Public transport would take me an hour and a half, then what would I do? Where would I take them? Travel an hour and half again to bring them back? I'd hardly see them. But I guess men who afford a shiny big house are better then mothers who can't I guess

Sounds like the 4 bedroom house is a pipe-dream anyway.

OP, I know it's hard with multiple children. Like I said, I brought up five on my own, with their father hardly in the picture (and he also used to say he'd have them and then not turn up).

But you really need to think about what THEY need. This isn't about you and your ex, it's about the children. Yes, it's not great for them to be messed about, but it's better that they see their dad if he wants to see them, than have all contact cut for them.

If you let them see him they will soon come to the realisation as to what a dick head he is. If you cut contact he will become a saint in their eyes and you will be the 'bad guy'.

The more you write OP, the more it comes across that you are still bitter about the split and that he has anew girlfriend and sadly, this is blinding your ability to judge what is right from wrong.

The more you act in anger the more you'll be pushing your children away and wanting to move with him. Sadly, at the age of your eldest, they'd be nothing you can do about it.

The reality is that he can be a total ass and decide to mess around the children but it comes down to the sane outcome: if you act selfish and put your resentment, anger, bitterness before the happiness of your kids, they will be the one deciding to want little to do with that parent and that's the worse possible punishment.

Why would I want to lose my children? Why would I want him to take my children away from me full time and I'll hardly be in their lives, why would anyone even suggest that? Unbelievable!

Where did I suggest that they go full time and that you will hardly be in their lives? I suggested 50/50... Surely it's not what is best for YOU, it is what is best for THEM. And if a 50/50 arrangement results in a stable environment for the children, and they know where they are going to be and when then surely that is for the best? Wanting anything other than a stable environment for your children is what is selfish and "unbelievable".

his one bed flat is council. He tried to apply for a two bed because he told them he has his children and he's got 6 but because he doesn't claim child benefit for them he isn't entitled.

Ok I thought that it didn't depend on child benefit. That is frustrating as it's going to be impossible for 6 growing children to squeeze into a one bed. But then I suppose they can't give him a 2/3 bed and when the rooms aren't being used throughout the week.

@LittleMissRedHat it wouldn't work, I would never see them if he moved them an hour and half away from me. All I want is him to see the kids on a set schedule and he's refused

I'll tell you something I want going to write because I feel ashamed

He's asked me to agree to him seeing me part time and seeing her part time, as In A 3 way relationship. He said in tone his gf will agree to it and be ok with it. I find him to F OFF
in no way do I want that. It makes me sick. So that's how I know he's deliberately using contact to control me. I have this confirmed via text messages. And everytime I tell him he needs to give me a set schedule for the kids and everytime I complain that he's not sticking to Anything he says
'I'll let you go for good prick'
Because in his sick kind he actually thinks I want to live like that even though I've told him I don't. He says things like 'yes to do what that.'
A lot of you can't see what he's really like. It's not me being bitter and jealous because if that was the case I would take him up on the 'offer' wouldn't I

I honestly can't believe its been suggested I hand over my children to my ex and his gf in a nice big house, my children will live an hour CAR drive away from me and I don't drive so Public transport would take me an hour and a half, then what would I do? Where would I take them? Travel an hour and half again to bring them back? I'd hardly see them. But I guess men who afford a shiny big house are better then mothers who can't I guess

You make no sense!

You've already said he can't live with his girlfriend!
You've said you wouldn't allow them.

You've said your DH is in a one bed council house but could buy a four bed.

You've completely made up the part about PPs saying that you should let them live with their DF.

I do believe however that you're poisoning your children against your ex. You know saying things like "I wouldn't do that, your DF is bad for doing that". If you say you don't want me have a boyfriend, then I won't. Blah blah! It'll come back to bite you.

If you let them see him they will soon come to the realisation as to what a dick head he is. If you cut contact he will become a saint in their eyes and you will be the 'bad guy'.

Agree with this 100%

I am a single parent and my DDs dad is a waste of space but I have always encouraged a relationship as I knew that I would end up being seen as the bad guy.
Now she is older she has decided she doesn't want to see him right now (he's only bothered seeing her a handful of times in 13 years) and he can never try and say I stopped him.
My DD knows I put her before my own feelings and we probably have a stronger bond because of it.

@WorraLiberty so you think it's ok, and that I should be happy for him to take my children off me and take them to live an hour away from me??? And I should be happy with that lol
Wow

And then
*
@LittleMissRedHat it wouldn't work, I would never see them if he moved them an hour and half away from me. All I want is him to see the kids on a set schedule and he's refused*

Has the GF moved since the start of this thread?

@Sunrise234
I don't want to stop him seeing his kids. All I want is a proper schedule to see the kids. Which he refuses so I said the only option I seem to have left his to cut contact until he does decide he wants to do things properly.
I've never stoped him seeing them. Even allowed him in my home to watch a film with his kids at 9pm before he got his own flat. So I'm not someone who wants to do that

@doityourselfnow all your doing is twisting things and have it against me

I said she lives an hour CAR drive away, public transport would make it an hour and a half

He wants to buy a house near where she lives as 4 beds are more available around there

Too fAr for me to travel there and back for kids

I don't drive

I'm not sure where anyone has suggested full custody for him? They've suggested you ensure he has access and that he keeps to it. Even if that means them visiting his GF home.

I don't want to stop him seeing his kids. All I want is a proper schedule to see the kids.

I agree there should be a proper schedule.
You say he is on a course, is this monday-friday?
Could you say he needs to have them friday-sunday?

@Sunrise234 the background is he was always working full time-shift work. He came if and when .He started a course where he went for lessons it was mon- thurs until 3. And then worked fri-sun in his job. He used to see the children wed Thursday from 3 up till late. Took them to his flat. They would stay from wed till Thursday morning drop them off whilst he went to course had them from 3 Thursday till Friday morning. This worked very welL
THEN he finished lessons and had to go into community for work experience in that trade so now it's mixed, he could get called for jobs by his mentor any days from mon-Thursday it's not definite until he gets a text on the day or sometimes night before but jobs are always 8/9am until 18:00. Sometimes he can have jobs mon-thurs every day until 18:00 now, sometimes 1, sometimes none, no one knows until the day. So he has to come here at 6/7 to see the kids mostly when it's tea/ bedtime. It's frustrating. For me. He works in his main job every single week Friday to Sunday. He says his gf never complains that he gets back to hers in the evening after her job and says she's ok with it but he's in a relationship with her. He's not with me. They are a family, we are not. He thinks him and his gf Dynamics should be the same for us.

So if he can afford a 4 bed house, why is he living in a one bed flat and asking the council to give him a bigger one? Council housing is for those who CANNOT AFFORD to pay for their own houses, much less someone who can afford to BUY a FOUR bed one. Sorry, but this is starting to make less and less sense.

He works Friday 10-21:00
And Saturday it's an overnight shift 10am till 17:00 Sunday, then Sunday it's his time with his gf and Family. Its absolutely impossible to work contact around him. And he blames me for him not seeing the kids but how is it my fault when he has absolutely no room for anything.