To think he's stupid?

[inthedarkx]

So my ex has just informed me that his cousin from another country is going to come over this week and stay a couple of months in his flat. So my children won't be able to stay over night there as there will be no room. My only has a one bed flat and it was a squeeze as it is having the children there. Now he will have to come here to see the kids or take them out but with covid there isn't many places to take them. It also means I'll never get a night off. He makes all these decisions and it affects me and the kids life. He's also doing a course as well as working so some weeks he wont be able to come to see the kids until 18:00 and that means he will have to come mine as he can't take them to his flat. I also don't want him to try and tell Me he's taking the kids to stay over at his gf, who lives an hour away. I've never met her personally and she has 3 kids in a 3 bed and I don't want my 6 going to hers where they will be squashed in the living room in a place that's not even their dads and I don't even know where she lives. I'm so angry really. He's constantly messing up our lives and I feel like just going a moon light flit and forgetting he's ever existed!
He says I have no right to complain and that's the reason why he left me. I'm just so angry he's stupid choices affect my children !

We spend half our life waiting for him so im cutting contact. He takes me to court that will be good for me then. Saves me paying hundredsof pounds

YABTU. So you know at all the all circumstances of this cousin? Maybe they have experienced very difficult times in their country, loss their job, their partner, family members. Maybe your ex is the only person left who can help him.

If that's the case, I'd think it would be teaching your kids a lot about making some sacrifices to help someone in need.

You're pissed off because you want your evenings free. Considering cutting contact because of it is horrible. At 13 and 14, your kids can start decide on their own what they want to do.

@dontdisturbmenow i have met his cousin several times, lol hes been here several times. I know everyrhing about him. Last time he stayed with my uncle, he was supposed to use the chance with my uncle to set up his life but he wasted it. He got a job, never paid my uncle any money for staying and went back to his family ( he has a wife and 2 kids in an EU country)
He wants to come here, get a job ( again) and after a month bring his wife and children to live here. His wife doesnt even have full EU status yet let alone british. Although his cousin does have the right to be in a particular EU country

You can't cut all contact though. They are his children too, and they are entitled to see their dad, just as he is entitled to see them. You can't just stop them (besides, if they are 13/14, won't they just make their own arrangements?).

It's not ideal but at least it's something.

@Zaphodsotherhead i can and will cut contact. You say they are his children too yet wont come up with proper arrangementa to see them. Cancels on them ladt minute and messes with my life. Im entitled to a life to and to move on too

So he wantst to better is life for him and his family. Is this so bad?

Your kids can still see their dad and enjoy some time with them, it just that for 3 months, he won't be able to have them overnight at his. That's not the end of the world especially if his partner agrees for them to stay at hers. Its not forever at the moment. Reacting by saying you will cut all contact is a compkete overreaction.

@dontdisturbmenow what about bettering my life?dont i matter. Why do i have to make sacrafices for a man that left me? So your saying its justified to allow him to come and see his kids when it suits him impactinft life
I dont think so

I'll be honest, the more you post, the more I would very much like to hear your ex's side to this. He does sound rather useless, but he now sounds like he is doing a course to improve himself and it's not his fault he only has a one bed flat or that his new girlfriend has children and their needs need to be worked into the situation too. You also come across as quite difficult and demanding, as in "I am going to cut contact", "I'm not going to allow them to....", "I want my night off", "I'm entitled to..."

All possibly justified, we can't really tell since we are only hearing one side of the story, but the way you come across makes me feel as though you do try to be difficult sometimes because you don't like the fact he has a new girlfriend and make everything into a big deal because of it.

@inthedarkx

Im cutting all contact because he wont give me set days or a proper contact arrangement. Says he cant. He changes things last minute and expects me to libe around him and his gf, i shouldnt have to. Hes had nearly 2 years Hes had his chance

Well he can't can he if you're making it so difficult for him?

You've decided his GF wouldn't want the kids at her place

You've decided her family wouldn't be happy

You've decided your 2 oldest wouldn't be happy long term

And now You've decided to cut contact because he can't sort out a regular contact arrangement.

You've set your whole family and hers up to fail here with your decisions and I really don't think your kids will thank you for it in the future.

[quote inthedarkx]@dontdisturbmenow what about bettering my life?dont i matter. Why do i have to make sacrafices for a man that left me? So your saying its justified to allow him to come and see his kids when it suits him impactinft life
I dont think so[/quote]
Surely if you want to better your life it’s up to you to do that?

Your ex is trying to better his life by working and doing a course yet your complaining about that. What are you doing to better your life?

@WorraLiberty so what you suggest? I let him come and go as oftwn as he wants when it suits him? Ok

He is suggesting taking the kids to his partner its you having an issue with it. You can't have it both ways. Either letting look after the kids as he sees reasonable during his time and you get on with your life or accept that your life will be disturbed.

What it sounds is that you are prepared to hurt your kids just to punish him for making temporary changes to his life.

@dontdisturbmenow he has NOT suggested to take the children to his gf, it was me who was saying that wasn't an option but he didn't suggest that. He's just said point blank he can't have them

So your all suggesting i have to put my life on hold for the sake of his and let him come and go as he pleases and you think that's ok? Even though it massively limits my
Options but that's ok then

No people are suggesting you get a proper order in place which works in the best interest of your children. But you don’t want to do that

@Sirzy I don't have any money to get a court order. There is no financial help for that or else I would

just go to court and do it properly if you want them to see him

if you dont then just tell him he'll have to apply for visitation

I agree about seeking set times through a court.

Where he has them is his business.

You are right. You have the right to do a course. So get contact court arranged and sign up for something that evening.

But by refusing contact you don't get that opportunity.

I agree he shouldn't be allowed to have control over your life by chopping and changing arrangement last minute. So get a court order to stop this.

You are right prioritising another child over his other 6 isn't fair. Again a court order would stop this.

I get the feeling youve had advice before By previous comments. And I get the feeling though you have no intention of getting a court order and minding your own with regards where they sleep on his contact- so this issue is t actually going to get resolved?

But how is it going to make your life better if you stop your children seeing their dad? Won't it just mean that you have your kids all the time - and you'll have to deal with them being upset, him being upset as well as no down time for yourself. If you just wait until the cousin leaves, they will see their dad and you can have time alone?

I brought up five kids on my own. I know how hard and frustrating it is when their dad doesn't want to, or can't, be an equal parent. My XH didn't see the kids at all for three years because he moved away 'for work' (and still didn't pay a penny!). You are clearly very angry about it all. But don't punish the children by not letting them see their father. Take some deep breaths, admit that life isn't perfect, and see if he can come up with another solution to having the children while his cousin is visiting.

@itsgettingweird first I would have to apply and pay for mediation which I can't afford, I've been told there is no help for this, then if mediation doesn't work I will then have the right to take him to court which again costs money I don't have.

Sorry OP but the more you post the more unreasonable you seem. I'd love to hear your ex's side.

You need to get a contact order in place. If you can't or won't do this, it is incredibly unfair to your ex AND your kids to just cut contact.

I would suggest mediation. Get a plan in place so that you both, need to stick to an agreement. Go online an do some research.

You really do sound fed up! I get that. You are the centre point of the family and he's not respecting you or your family dynamics.

But unfortunately, you need to set your feelings to the side and think about what options you have, once that's clear, you can make a structured plan. If he doesn't stick to it, that's on him.
Stopping your kids from seeing their isnt ok. He has rights regardless of how he is behaving.

Have you any other support?

@Jellybeansincognito

‘ I'd be DESPERATE for five minutes peace if I was coping with six children!’

No I’m not joking sadly, I think we all experience times of desperation for a break, it doesn’t mean we put our children into situations that are extremely less than ideal to get a night of peace though and I don’t understand why this doesn’t annoy OP more than the rest of the stuff in this thread.

But if OP doesn't get any"downtime" she will not be able to lovingly and effectively parent her children.

Then they will be stuck with one sh*t parent, and one so exhausted she's on the verge of a breakdown.

Sometimes a woman has to prioritise herself - it's often because women don't do this that they end up (literally) physically collapsing, or having mental breakdowns. Neither situation is good for their children.

[quote inthedarkx]@WorraLiberty so what you suggest? I let him come and go as oftwn as he wants when it suits him? Ok[/quote]
I suggest you stop trying to control whether he takes his kids to his GFs or not.

If they're happy to have them there, let them crack on.

Why can you not apply for legal aid for the mediation?