To think he's stupid?

[inthedarkx]

So my ex has just informed me that his cousin from another country is going to come over this week and stay a couple of months in his flat. So my children won't be able to stay over night there as there will be no room. My only has a one bed flat and it was a squeeze as it is having the children there. Now he will have to come here to see the kids or take them out but with covid there isn't many places to take them. It also means I'll never get a night off. He makes all these decisions and it affects me and the kids life. He's also doing a course as well as working so some weeks he wont be able to come to see the kids until 18:00 and that means he will have to come mine as he can't take them to his flat. I also don't want him to try and tell Me he's taking the kids to stay over at his gf, who lives an hour away. I've never met her personally and she has 3 kids in a 3 bed and I don't want my 6 going to hers where they will be squashed in the living room in a place that's not even their dads and I don't even know where she lives. I'm so angry really. He's constantly messing up our lives and I feel like just going a moon light flit and forgetting he's ever existed!
He says I have no right to complain and that's the reason why he left me. I'm just so angry he's stupid choices affect my children !

The trouble is that, as in my above post, lots of women don't have any choice. Plenty of men decamp and leave the mum in desperate straits; no money, no help and no life. That was me. There were times when I could have packed the kids into the car and driven into the nearest reservoir, I was that desperate. And nobody helped.

Sometimes there is no alternative but to just get on with it. But, if you have a choice, let the kids see their dad.

@Sirzy unless I can prove he's Been abusive I can't. He was emotionally, mentally abusive throughout my 15 year marriage because I didn't report it to the police I won't be entitled to legal aid

[quote inthedarkx]@Sirzy unless I can prove he's Been abusive I can't. He was emotionally, mentally abusive throughout my 15 year marriage because I didn't report it to the police I won't be entitled to legal aid [/quote]
Hmm I don't think that's right. Have you contacted the CLA?

Have you had a free 30 minutes with a solicitor as at least a beginning?

The difference between 7 and 8 in a 1 bedroom is not that great. Leave him to get on with it, it isn’t your problem to solve. Detach, detach, detach.

I think the presence of an unexpected adult makes quite a big difference actually, especially to teenagers who might feel uncomfortable sharing living space (changing, showering etc) with someone they don't know that well.

@BoyTree this is my thinking too. My 13/14 year old have started their periods in the last two month and are very private with it and Have become conscious about privacy recently and rightly so! People don't understand that. I've just suggested it to my children and they've said no they wouldn't want to sleep there. They would go there for a few hours but overnight they said they wouldn't
Which I knew anyway
I'm so just fed up with all this I just want to disappear

And yet when your ex was talking about buying a 4 bed house, you weren't happy about that either 🤷‍♀️

@WorraLiberty where was I not happy with that??? He was trying to FORCE me to move into a 4 bed house that he buys and me pay him rent using emotional blackmail. Why would I want to live in my exes 4 bed house

Ok well I must've missed that thread

I'm referring to the one where he wanted to buy a 4 bed house and you were afraid he and his girlfriend were going to take the kids off you and go and live in it.

@WorraLiberty so you think it's ok, and that I should be happy for him to take my children off me and take them to live an hour away from me??? And I should be happy with that lol
Wow
Secondly he wanted me to live in the 4 bed house and pay him rent and said if I didn't then he would move all his kids his gf and her kids in and id be 'all alone'

But I should be happy though yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, I must have missed that thread.

OP have you had some counselling to work on coping strategies? Please don't take that as an insult, counselling is invaluable in situations like this. I also remember on previous threads you have had to call the police due to his threats on occasion, can you use this as an example of emotional abuse to try and get some help with legal fees or do you have to show proof of emotional abuse from when you were together?

This needs to be sorted because at the moment your mental health is being hugely damaged and your children are being pulled from pillar to post by the lack of structure. I know that's due to his behaviour but as long as the dynamic continues, you will continue to get more and more stressed and angry and your children are seeing more and more unhealthy relationship modelling.

@WorraLiberty** so you think it's ok, and that I should be happy for him to take my children off me and take them to live an hour away from me??? And I should be happy with that lol
Wow

They're also his children? Not just yours?
An hour away is no issue, many people travel that far to work, you're being ridiculous

What's wrong with it? It's his access

Or are you saying he wants full custody, because previously you said that he wanted you to live in a four bed with the kids.

@WorraLiberty where was I not happy with that??? He was trying to FORCE me to move into a 4 bed house that he buys and me pay him rent using emotional blackmail. Why would I want to live in my exes 4 bed house

He either forced you or he didn't? He didn't force you, you're not living there.

My 13/14 year old have started their periods in the last two month and are very private with it and Have become conscious about privacy recently and rightly so! People don't understand that. I've just suggested it to my children and they've said no they wouldn't want to sleep there. They would go there for a few hours but overnight they said they wouldn't

They'll need to deal with their periods at school very soon, this needs to be addressed. Also, are you sure you're not pressuring them to say they don't want to go there?

You seem to hold a lot of anger for your ex.

Honestly, both of you need to grow up and stop using the children as weapons against each other, you've got six children and an awful lot of co-parenting to do.

@doityourselfnow so you think it's MY job to let him take the kids when he wants? Take them last minute, cancel last minute? Yeah that's all ok because he's a man and he decided to leave so because he left me I am the one who deserves to be punished and should make all the sacrifices. His gf doesn't want the kids at his house. He admitted to me that his gf lies to her family and tells them she's not with my ex because she's a Jehovah's Witness and will be kicked out of her family community if they find out she's still with him! I wasn't going to put that detail down as it's not my business but I won't send my children to her house when they not even supposed to be together
Wow all these ppl who believe it's ok for a man to walk out on his family and can come and take the kids as he pleases
No he's not bought the house yet he said when he's bought the house he will
My children don't want to go, I've not put them up to anything, I don't abuse my children thank you very much

@doityourselfnow no it's not about his access he wanted to take my children off me to LIVE full time an hour away from me and that's ok so he gets to call the shots just because he left me ok

@inthedarkx not saying it's alright for a man, I'm saying you both need to grow up and start putting your children first.

You're so angry you can't see anything clearly, you say you're going to cut all contact, but then you don't.

You argue over everything including your daughter starting her periods, what sort of example are the pair of you showing to your children?

As I've said you've got six children and a lot of time co parenting.

So both of you calm down (you've clearly got anger issues), start parenting.

I'm so confused that on one hand you're not going to let them go to his girlfriends house, due to having periods, too far etc. The next thing they can't go because the GF is JW and would be ostracised. Which one is it?

OP - i suggested some practical things that may help, I understand you're angry and feeling defensive but it's good to try and engage with constructive solutions / next steps as well as posts that make you feel angry. I really think counselling would be beneficial - you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Tell him it’s up to him to find somewhere to take the kids but he will absolutely not be visiting them at yours.

He admitted to me that his gf lies to her family and tells them she's not with my ex because she's a Jehovah's Witness and will be kicked out of her family community if they find out she's still with him! I wasn't going to put that detail down as it's not my business but I won't send my children to her house when they not even supposed to be together

Even though they have a child together?

@backseatcookers I agree with you. Counselling Would be very good for me, there is a massive waiting list In my area so I will need to wait. Plus with covid at the moment they not doing it but I am going to access this.
When me and him were together I had a lot of unexplained symptoms, excessive sweating, body feeling week and shakey, tiredness etc and they couldn't find a cause and as soon as he left they disappeared and now since he's been difficult they've all come back and worse! He is most definitely affecting my health.

There's a whole host of reasons I don't want them into her house too many to list.. and yes she will be ostracised as she already has been once already and managed to get back in

@WorraLiberty yep because they had sex before marriage, and she's in a relationship when he was still married to me, they are really against that Jehovah witnesses. She got kicked out because she has a baby without marriage, she's had 3 kids with 3 different men ( not judging) but this is why she was kicked our kid only just got back in so apparently she's hiding her relationship from them. It came from him
These other stuff he's asked me to do and 'offered' to me which I won't even post on here

Are you on the waiting list already? If not, make the first move to do that today by explaining to your GP surgery (most are taking emails at the moment then a GP calls you back)! That's something ticked off and in progress then. No point waiting.

As for the reasons you don't want them in her house, unless they are reasons that meet a legal threshold for risking your childrens health and wellbeing, you can't enforce that. Im not saying you shouldn't want to or that it isn't shit you can't, but he is their father and has parental rights that mean on his time he has as much autonomy as you do. You have to let some of this stuff go, you cannot enforce it legally and you're using so much energy focusing on stuff you simply cannot change.

It's shit, I get that, but there are crap parents everywhere and all you can do is be a good parent on your time and get authorities involved if you have genuine concerns about your children's safety and wellbeing.

Your example about not wanting your kids in her house if she and your ex aren't 'out' as a couple to her family is madness - I'm not saying this to wind you up, I'm using it as an example of stuff you have to start letting go. It's of no relevance to you whether her family know about her and your ex, at all.

I understand that because he was manipulative and controlled things for so long you can't see the woods for the trees but you're desperately trying to cling on to any bit of control you can have in an attempt to feel like you're not under his thumb any more - but in doing so you are allowing him to continue to permeate every day of your life even though you aren't together any more.

Have you tried anything like mindfulness or calming apps while you wait for counselling?

You are constantly looking for excuses not to allow your ex to have access to the children. It is wrong of him to mess you about, but I can understand why he does things last minute in order to avoid having to wrangle with you.

Your daughter starting her period is irrelevant to there being another person, even a male, in the flat. She presumably goes to the bathroom to sort herself out like every other woman does. Presumably she is not having to use the bathroom at the same time as the cousin?

You say you don't know the other woman, but you do know that she wouldn't appreciate having your children in her house and that she is awful and that you don't like her. You also say your kids wouldn't like staying there long term, but it isn't long term and surely there would be more room for them than in a one bed flat? If they are saying they don't want to, I rather suspect they are taking their lead from what you are saying.

You have also now decided to tell us she is a Jehovah who denies being with your ex which is why the children can't go to her house. Before it was because you wouldn't allow it because it wasn't your ex's house.

Also, you are BOTH the childrens' parents. You are complaining he doesn't do enough, you want to do things for yourself but don't have the time but then when he suggests buying a big house and them living with him you say no. I don't know what kind of house / flat you are currently living in, but they could live with both of you 50/50 and you would get your much-wanted time to do things for yourself, as he is doing.

So, to sum up:
You want him to have them more, but not too much more and certainly not an hour away in a big house.
You don't want them visiting him at his flat because he's helping a cousin out and there isn't enough room but you don't want him to take them to his girlfriend's bigger house because it's not his house and maybe she wouldn't want them there and you don't like her, despite never having met her. Or maybe it's because she's a Jehovah's Witness.

As a rule, I think the often touted MN phrase of "You sound hard work" is over-used and trite but after all your posts with all the excuses and martyrdom, I kind of feel there is definitely 3 sides to this story and there is possibly a reason why your ex is so flaky. He's wrong to be like that because it's the kids that will suffer but...

Littlemissredhat

Everything you have said is completely wrong.

Trying to say it's on for a man to behave the way he is is just wrong. Do you know he gives me one nights notice to when he's having the children? How is that fair on the children or me? You think I shouldn't put up with that? Then when he's due to see the kids he tells me that everything's changed and comes up with a whole new schedule on the spot? You think that's ok then? Because if I don't agree to this then in the one whoes hard work?

I didn't want to add the bit about her being a Jehovah's Witness as that's her private business and that's the reason the kids cAnt go there but I've had to as you all think I'm this nasty cow whoes being difficult.

Your all condoning his behaviour so all your doing is keeping me stuck in this situation by telling Me what he's doing is ok, and I should be happy with it or else I'm the difficult one

I've suggested to him for me to drop kids at front door and he pick them up from there and we don't have to see each other but he refuses and he can't because he changed things that much
He just wants to control me as much as possible
But I'll do as you all say, I'll let him come and go as he pleases, do what he wants and I'll comply like a good girl and when I have a breakdown and end up in hospital my children will have no mum
But it's all ok because he's a man and he has the upper hand and I have no right to complain
Typical Mumsnet