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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he's stupid?

149 replies

inthedarkx · 11/08/2020 23:49

So my ex has just informed me that his cousin from another country is going to come over this week and stay a couple of months in his flat. So my children won't be able to stay over night there as there will be no room. My only has a one bed flat and it was a squeeze as it is having the children there. Now he will have to come here to see the kids or take them out but with covid there isn't many places to take them. It also means I'll never get a night off. He makes all these decisions and it affects me and the kids life. He's also doing a course as well as working so some weeks he wont be able to come to see the kids until 18:00 and that means he will have to come mine as he can't take them to his flat. I also don't want him to try and tell Me he's taking the kids to stay over at his gf, who lives an hour away. I've never met her personally and she has 3 kids in a 3 bed and I don't want my 6 going to hers where they will be squashed in the living room in a place that's not even their dads and I don't even know where she lives. I'm so angry really. He's constantly messing up our lives and I feel like just going a moon light flit and forgetting he's ever existed!
He says I have no right to complain and that's the reason why he left me. I'm just so angry he's stupid choices affect my children !

OP posts:
PhilMitchellsFavouriteTipple · 12/08/2020 08:11

Agree with @FizzyGreenWater but also think the 6 kids in a 1 bedroom flat is crazy, regardless of whether the cousin is there or not.

jessstan2 · 12/08/2020 08:13

Can you not go out while he is at your place? I presume you don't hate your ex therefore perhaps he could stay the night at yours and you go off somewhere.

He'll be able to take the children out, restrictions are swiftly lifting.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 12/08/2020 08:14

Send @FizzyGreenWater’a text but leave out “Oh sorry’.

Livelovebehappy · 12/08/2020 08:28

His problem. He’s trying to make his problem yours. Tell him arrangements have to continue as they are, then he will realise he has to sort the issue out himself by making arrangements for when he has them overnight. He probably thinks by telling you that it’s your problem to solve, and it isn’t. Just say ‘thanks for letting me know, but you really didn’t have to tell me as how you deal with the problems brought on by your decision is of no concern to me. Current arrangements stand’

Ellmau · 12/08/2020 08:36

He's not stupid.

He's selfish.

He is making choices which prioritise other things over your children. I suspect this is deliberate.

Sirzy · 12/08/2020 08:40

Has he actually said he can’t have the children? Or has he just informed the OP that the children’s uncle is staying for a while and she has made the rest of the decision it’s not very clear?

Getting annoyed because he is also doing a course to try to better himself just seems petty

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/08/2020 08:40

It doesn’t sit right with me that you’re more bothered about your night off than you are about sending them there to sleep like that.

You are kidding, right?

I'd be DESPERATE for five minutes peace if I was coping with six children!

LittleMissRedHat · 12/08/2020 08:43

You have posted a lot about the problems you are having with your ex. I honestly think you are going to have to accept his girlfriend is in his life and that it actually may be a good thing. She has a bigger place and to be honest, as others have pointed out, better all at her's than your ex's 1 bed place.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 12/08/2020 08:44

Agree with @FizzyGreenWater but also think the 6 kids in a 1 bedroom flat is crazy, regardless of whether the cousin is there or not

I wouldn't do it unless I know the children can sleep in the flat comfortably.
Do the children want to go there?

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 12/08/2020 08:48

I'd rather wait a couple of months for the cousin to leave than allow the children to sleep at his girlfriend's place. I wouldn't even think about considering it.

Jellybeansincognito · 12/08/2020 08:56

‘ I'd be DESPERATE for five minutes peace if I was coping with six children!’

No I’m not joking sadly, I think we all experience times of desperation for a break, it doesn’t mean we put our children into situations that are extremely less than ideal to get a night of peace though and I don’t understand why this doesn’t annoy OP more than the rest of the stuff in this thread.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2020 09:06

I had five kids with my ex. He used to have to take them to sleep in a tent at his, when he could be bothered to have them at all. But it was none of my business what the sleeping arrangements were - as long as they were safe (and i trusted him (more or less) to keep them safe). It's not really any of your business what the sleeping arrangements are when they are with him. It's HIS time with the kids and he can do as he sees fit, as long as they are cared for.

But not in your house.

Apolloanddaphne · 12/08/2020 09:10

How on earth do they all manage in a 1 bed flat even without the cousin?

chargeorge · 12/08/2020 09:15

@FizzyGreenWater

‘Oh sorry. I’m afraid you don’t get to decide to change arrangements and then pick them back up again when it suits you: if you’re going to drop the contact schedule we’ve agreed, then that’s it- you’ll have to go to court to arrange a new one which suits us both and until then, you won’t be seeing them. Your cousin isn’t more important than them and I don’t want them thinking that they’ve been pushed out. Keep to current arrangements or go to court for a new one - those are your choices.’
Just yes to this!
doityourselfnow · 12/08/2020 09:21

You have posted a lot about the problems you are having with your ex. I honestly think you are going to have to accept his girlfriend is in his life and that it actually may be a good thing. She has a bigger place and to be honest, as others have pointed out, better all at her's than your ex's 1 bed place.

This

Lovemusic33 · 12/08/2020 09:24

My ex has made sure he hasn’t had room for the dc’s since he left 5 years ago so I feel your pain. He’s being a dick, surely his guest could stay somewhere else or could go out whilst your dc are there?

It is frustrating, at the moment my ex is living in a B&B, he often has to see the dc at my house and I have to go out for the day, occasionally (once a year) he will stay over with them so I can have a night away but I have to beg him to do this. It’s a bit awkward having him in my house and having to make myself busy.

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 12/08/2020 09:28

@WhatifIfeellikeacat

I'd rather wait a couple of months for the cousin to leave than allow the children to sleep at his girlfriend's place. I wouldn't even think about considering it.
It’s none of OPs business where he takes them to sleep while they’re with him, as long as they’re not literally sleeping out on the streets. Particularly if she does get a court order, she’ll have no control over what he does with them in his contact time.
Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2020 09:32

Sadly you don't get to 'allow' where they sleep. You can express a preference for them not to go to the girlfriend's house, but ultimately you can't forbid it. When they are with him he can do what he likes with them, within reason.

If he takes them to his girlfriend's and you thereafter prevent him having contact with them, then that's controlling.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 12/08/2020 09:36

Thanks everyone
I have no choice to let him have the kids in a 1 bed flat, that's all he can get right now and if I said no then wouldn't be right of me would it. He has a bed in his room, sofa bed in living Room and air beds. There is no way it's appropriate to have his cousin staying there with my children at all, the Would be no room.
About his gf, I don't think she would appreciate having all my kids in her house. And long term it's not suitable at all. I don't think her family would be very happy with her having my kids in her living woman! And plus it's her and her kids house, not my exes, that house is nothing to do with my ex. His name isn't on anything at her house. I wouldn't allow my children to stay at a house that is nothing to do with my ex. My 2 oldest are 13/ 14 they wont be happy staying in a living room long term in someone elses house. Also he doesnt have a set schedule to see the kids. Just if and when. He was supposed to have kids wed and thurs but his cousin is coming thursday now and hes got to have his other child because his gf complained that when she goes to work at nights its her sister and mum who look after him all the time when it should be him a lot of the time. Even though her family look after her other two from two previous. She knows it will cause difficulties but she doesnt care. Thats why i dont want my kids going to hers because she doesnt really care about my kids. Shes not one of these lovely step mums that step. He has to take the child to his flat thursday so means my children deffo cant go now. So hes letting these down because of her child care issues

Im just going to cut all contact, because ive had enough. We will be happier without living a life like this

OP posts:
LittleMissRedHat · 12/08/2020 09:41

I wouldn't allow my children to stay at a house that is nothing to do with my ex.

It's as much your ex's decision where they stay as yours I'm afraid. It's not up to you to not "allow" them to stay somewhere when they are with him, unless you think they are in danger. And even then, you would have to prove to the courts why you think that. Also, if you decide to cut all contact then he may go to court and you may find you lose even more rights than you have now.

Sirzy · 12/08/2020 09:42

So your going to cut all contact because he is also helping care for a child he has from another relationship?

Original poster
inthedarkx · 12/08/2020 09:44

Im cutting all contact because he wont give me set days or a proper contact arrangement. Says he cant. He changes things last minute and expects me to libe around him and his gf, i shouldnt have to.
Hes had nearly 2 years
Hes had his chance

OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/08/2020 09:45

Well then go down the official routes to get a contact arrangement in place.

ShineYourLight2 · 12/08/2020 09:47

You said last time that you were going to cut all contact Confused. Lots of people have offered you advice in the past, but you haven't taken any of it on board.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 12/08/2020 09:47

@Sirzy how is it fair that he makes a commitment to the children FIRST then tosses my children aside for the sake of his gf childcare arrangements? He knows my children will miss out because he cant take them all as only has a 7 seater

OP posts:
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