Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Since having a baby I’m obsessed with marriage?

126 replies

Delizhop · 10/08/2020 15:52

Hi,

So I’ve only been with my partner for over a year, we accidentally fell pregnant early (on the pill, great help that was!) we decided to keep it and I gave birth early June! We love being parents and we are in a really good relationship. Live together, have a child, holidays together, accounts together oh and survived lockdown so I say we’ve done pretty well.

Now it’s finally time to register her and I’m tied on names as I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. Unfortunately he was made redundant beginning of lockdown so money has become tight. He always says we will do it one day. Everyone around us is getting engaged including a member of his family.

I’m not asking for a big wedding, I would much rather spend that money on a house deposit. If we ever had the money to do a big wedding then yeah I would probably redo it but I don’t like being his girlfriend and baby mum. It feels low I guess.

Just always wanted to be married before having a baby and I guess now I’m slightly obsessed and driving him crazy about it.

How do I get over it? Why am I so obsessed?

First of all I have always wanted to get married. If it’s not for you... then the thread isn’t for you...

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 10/08/2020 15:56

If you are not married you can name her what you like (within reason).

Make sure you tell the register that you aren't married and these are what her names are.

If you and your partner then get married, you can re-register her and change her lastname.

Hopefully that will give him the kick up the bum you want.

Curiosity101 · 10/08/2020 15:59

Do you think your main driver is the fact you want all of you to have the same surname? If so you can always change your daughter's name later on by deed poll if you want to.

I had my mother's surname at birth but moved to live with my step father when I was young and asked to change my surname to match his. It's not particularly expensive and is pretty easy to do.

If you take the surname bit out of the equation, what are your other drivers for getting married?

MrsSchadenfreude · 10/08/2020 15:59

Give her your last name. It’s not up to him.

If I had a pound for every woman on here who has had a baby with someone who has told her that they will get married “one day”, I’d be able to retire.

Lucy40ishere · 10/08/2020 16:04

I agree that whether you are married or not that the baby could take your name. It’s much more common now. Obviously not easy if your partner is against the idea though. I don’t think it’s unusual to want the security of marriage after having a child.

Scoobyscoobedydoo · 10/08/2020 16:04

I felt like this after my first baby. We did end up getting married but it made no difference. I think it is natural to always want to take the next steps in a relationship but it may be worth thinking about why you want to marry, if it is in celebration of you two then great, but if it is because you feel insecure about your position as an unmarried mother of his child...that is very different.

milveycrohn · 10/08/2020 16:09

Knowing what i know now, i would give baby your lastnane.
However, you can always hedge your bets and give both - your last name, his last name.
Or follow the Spanish tradition by his last name first, then your lastname

minnieok · 10/08/2020 16:12

If you both want to marry, why not have a quick registry office wedding with 2 witnesses and have a formal ceremony if desired later? Otherwise how about double barrelling the name or give yours and your can amend if you marry

TeenPlusTwenties · 10/08/2020 16:13

Pop down the registry office and get married at same time as registering the baby?
Then in a year have a big bash?

Lucky2Be · 10/08/2020 16:17

If you two plan on spending the rest of your lives together, then there's so rush to do everything at once. 😊

My hubby and I bought a home together after being together 2.5yrs.
Had a baby after 5.5yrs & married close to 9yrs. We've been together 10years. Don't rush! Enjoy your baby together & carry on enjoying one another. 😊

Oysterbabe · 10/08/2020 16:19

You haven't known him long enough to marry him. Give the baby your name.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 16:20

Pressuring a man into marriage never, ever ends well. You need to back off. If not being married is a deal breaker for you then you will have to end the relationship.

MaderiaCycle · 10/08/2020 16:25

Does HE want to get married? If so, get married. It will cost you less than £100 quid. If he doesn't - reach a compromise on the name. Over-ruling him and getting the registrar to do the name you want to do will only undermine your relationship in the long run. If you all want the same name, but not the married bit you could change yours by deed poll (if he agrees - it would be weird otherwise) so you'd all have the same name.

FrancoBranco · 10/08/2020 16:30

Give the baby your name. You need both parents to agree on changing a child's name so if you get married in the future you can change the surname to his.

If you give the baby his name now and then you break up and don't get married he'll never agree to change the baby's name to your surname afterwards. You'll always have a different name to your baby.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/08/2020 16:35

I changed my name by deed poll after id had ds then a few years later we got married when we were ready.Yes it was strange that the vicar said "do you Honeysuckle take you Honeysuckle?" like we were related but everyone at the wedding knew we had the same surname to start with so no biggee.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/08/2020 16:36

I mean I changed my surname to baby's fathers who I married later

wigglerose · 10/08/2020 16:37

Is it the perceived security, OP? When I got married it was good to know that I was definitely his next of kin and could make decisions for him if the worst came to the worst and vice versa. Both of our families are aging and live hours away.

Thehop · 10/08/2020 16:38

Just double barrel surnames? Change it when you marry

Nosuchluck · 10/08/2020 16:39

Give the baby your name.

ArriettyJones · 10/08/2020 16:40

Give the baby your name.

AlphaDalpha · 10/08/2020 16:40

I felt like this after my first, my husband wasn't keen on marriage but I wore him down eventually, we had a small wedding and are now happily married and have been for many years.

InTheWings · 10/08/2020 16:42

It is not 'low' to have a baby without being married, and you are not a 'baby mum'.

Somethings to consider:

If it is about having the same name, you can change your name to anything you want, including his, whether you are married or not.
Likewise, you could give the baby your surname and he could change his name to yours - married or not.
Will you continue to work as a Mum, and if you buy a house will it be in both your names? Women get badly badly shafted when they are not married, become a SAHM and he buys the house in his name. Guess what? He gets to keep it if you split, and you have no rights whatsoever, even though you provided all the childcare that enabled him to earn the money to buy the house.
Separate marriage and the wedding. Marriage can be achieved for very little money in a registry office.

If he will not marry, take this as a sign. Do not give the child his name only, give the baby your name or both your names. Hyphenated as a surname, not with yours as 'an extra middle name'. And make sure you maintain your own income and pension savings, and that if you do buy property together your name is on the deeds.

In the end marriage is a contract. You need to look out for your interests, OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/08/2020 16:44

GIVE THE BABY YOUR SURNAME.

He's already putting himself in the driving seat on deciding when you'll get married - 'one day'? Fine. You go in the driving seat when it comes to the name of your baby, who you'll 99% be the resident parent of if you split with this man you've known less than 400 days.

You haven't been together long enough.

If you give the baby your name, you have the strongest card EVER for getting married. If he wants the baby to have his surname, fine, it'll be changed along with yours.... when you marry.

He's not sure about marrying, you know that? It doesn't cost that much to be married. This isn't about money, it's about him not knowing yet whether he's sure about marrying you. Which is fine. You've not been together long. But - by the same token - give your baby your surname.

If he kicks up a massive fuss, it'll be a useful insight into what he's like when he doesn't get his own way.

By the way, these boards are full of women who regret giving their baby their boyfriend's surname.

Until then, you stick with tradition. The baby carries its mother's name. If mum is married, that means Dad gets his surname for the baby :)

InTheWings · 10/08/2020 16:44

Women do not have to change their name to a man's, married or not. Why all this presumption that you change the name 'if' you get married?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2020 16:45

Give the baby your name. If he’s that bothered you can get married beforehand. 40 something days notice and you can do it for £170 quid in his lunch break.

MrsRabbitsHouse · 10/08/2020 16:49

You would be foolish to count on his "one day" attitude.

Give the baby your surname.

I have seen literally dozens of women over the years in the same situation - unmarried, has a child, gets dad's name because "one day" they'll get married...

99% of cases ends up with child never having married parents, and single mum ends up with children that don't even have her surname, which is a logistical nightmare e.g. at airports, at school, it's horrible if other siblings have different names, etc.

Anyway, getting married is the legally smart thing to do (e.g. for tax reasons) and it costs barely anything to get married. It's the optional wedding faff that's the expensive bit. But the marriage, the legal contract - that's the important thing.

Protect yourself here OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread