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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Since having a baby I’m obsessed with marriage?

126 replies

Delizhop · 10/08/2020 15:52

Hi,

So I’ve only been with my partner for over a year, we accidentally fell pregnant early (on the pill, great help that was!) we decided to keep it and I gave birth early June! We love being parents and we are in a really good relationship. Live together, have a child, holidays together, accounts together oh and survived lockdown so I say we’ve done pretty well.

Now it’s finally time to register her and I’m tied on names as I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. Unfortunately he was made redundant beginning of lockdown so money has become tight. He always says we will do it one day. Everyone around us is getting engaged including a member of his family.

I’m not asking for a big wedding, I would much rather spend that money on a house deposit. If we ever had the money to do a big wedding then yeah I would probably redo it but I don’t like being his girlfriend and baby mum. It feels low I guess.

Just always wanted to be married before having a baby and I guess now I’m slightly obsessed and driving him crazy about it.

How do I get over it? Why am I so obsessed?

First of all I have always wanted to get married. If it’s not for you... then the thread isn’t for you...

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 10/08/2020 18:44

Just say 'there's no way I'm going through life with a different name to my child. We have the option of getting married in the future. If we do we can change the baby's name and we'll all have the same.'

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 10/08/2020 18:46

We did end up getting married but it made no difference

Absolutely not true though, is it? It makes a massive difference. By getting married you become each others next of kin. Getting married confers certain legal conditions and benefits. It's not just a wedding.

PanamaPattie · 10/08/2020 18:50

Give the baby your name. If he wanted to marry you he wouldn't be making excuses.

bookmum08 · 10/08/2020 18:55

Tell him you want to get married. Point out about next of kin and the importance of that. Tell him about the Married Persons Tax Allowance. Point out you can get married in a Registrar Office. If you apply for the licence now you can do it in two weeks time. You just need 2 witnesses but you could use randoms from the street if you want.
Done. You are married. Cost probably about £100 (I'm not sure of the current costs).
If he doesn't want to do this then give the baby your surname. If he wants parental responsibility he has to sign the form for it but he has no say over the surname if you aren't married.

BlueSlice · 10/08/2020 19:11

Totally understand that what you’re saying.

Now is the perfect time to get married on the cheap as you can only have a small reception anyway! You could do it all for a couple of hundred.

I had a teeny tiny wedding and loved it.

KrabbyPatties · 10/08/2020 19:17

Do not give that child your partners name until he makes some sort of commitment

It drives me mad when women go through all the mental physical financial emotional..... sacrifice and they then plonk the dad’s name on the certificate

And other than him actually proposing and offering you a ring, it’s just pie in the sky xhay

Azerothi · 10/08/2020 19:27

Your boyfriend is trying to put you in a very vulnerable position with your baby if you don't give the baby your name. Don't double barrel, just give her your name. Just say you will change it to his one day.

Scoobyscoobedydoo · 10/08/2020 20:17

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

We did end up getting married but it made no difference

Absolutely not true though, is it? It makes a massive difference. By getting married you become each others next of kin. Getting married confers certain legal conditions and benefits. It's not just a wedding.

No, it actually meant I got landed with debt when he left me for another woman and we got divorced. I had meant it made no difference security wise.
StormsDontLastForever · 10/08/2020 20:29

My daughter has my partners name, we are not married. I was a bit obsessed about it about a year ago (getting engaged) but now I just think I am happy as I am, we get on really well, stay together and been together for years, a bit of paper saying "married" is the only thing that would change. I do regret not giving her my last name as hers as I don't have any brothers or sisters so I am the last in the name chain Sad but she has my surname as her middle name anyway.

TheGlitterFairy · 10/08/2020 20:31

Give the baby your surname then if/ when you get married you can change yours and baby to his.

Too many people happily give the baby the guys name when not married, never get married / break up then have a heap of trouble with travel/ doctors/ schools etc with not having the same surname as the baby/ child.

I’ve never understood why people would give a child a different surname to their own.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2020 20:46

a bit of paper saying "married" is the only thing that would change

Do you consider house deeds a bit of paper? A £50 note? Your birth certificate?

That “bit of paper” is what makes you and your boyfriend a legal entity. It’s hugely important.

As you’re not bothered by it now I assume you’re in full time work aka the higher earner, on the mortgage if you one or the main tenant if you rent.

Parker231 · 10/08/2020 20:48

Give the baby your name. Your DP can always change his if you get married.

Augustseemsbetter · 10/08/2020 20:50

I don't know how these guys have the arrogance to expect their name to be given to the child.

lavenderlove · 10/08/2020 22:02

Give the baby both surnames as a compromise? Your surname definitely needs to be there though. I speak from experience as my ds doesn't have my surname and I hate it. At the doctors, at school etc I just hate that mine is different, but I gave ds my ex dp's surname because he said he would be proposing in the next year... until he cheated.

Waveysnail · 10/08/2020 22:08

Give her your surname until you get married.

Bridecilla · 10/08/2020 22:10

Your name or double barrel

I stupidly didnt and have spent 8 years regretting it. I hate having a different name to ds. Finally booked the wedding for this year and coving hit!

TorgosPizza · 10/08/2020 22:16

I would tell him that having the baby bear his name is a perk of being married. As PP say, names can be changed, and a name change before she's old enough to learn her full name shouldn't complicate things.

draughtycatflap · 10/08/2020 22:28

@Bridecilla

Your name or double barrel

I stupidly didnt and have spent 8 years regretting it. I hate having a different name to ds. Finally booked the wedding for this year and coving hit!

How awful. You’re ceiling fell down in the middle of a pandemic?
draughtycatflap · 10/08/2020 22:29

Your! Grrr...

Dozer · 10/08/2020 22:31

You’ve not been together long and are not married so it’d be sensible for the baby to have your surname, and for you both to work FT.

CrystalMaisie · 10/08/2020 22:32

Give the baby your name for sure.

Sugartitties · 10/08/2020 22:37

you got pregnant within the first month?

he’s not rushing which is quite sensible considering you’ve only known each other for five minutes

Original poster
Delizhop · 10/08/2020 23:20

Thank you for all your answers! I’ve told him I want her to have my last name and we can change it when we get married. He was a bit upset but I’ve stood my ground.

Double barrel- unfortunately we chose two middle names to honour each of our grandmothers who passed away so first name two middle names and two last names seem a bit much!

I ideally would like to get married soon but I don’t want to push it or rush into something that shouldn’t be for the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t just about a piece of paper. It is something I want sooner rather than later and a big fancy thing isn’t necessary. What’s wrong with a registry office and some drinks with friends? Why does it need to be ‘look how much money I have’

Thank you all for your help 💕

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2020 23:24

Stick to your guns Smile

FizzyGreenWater · 10/08/2020 23:58

Well done.

Honestly, if you plan to get married, there is absolutely nothing for him to get upset about, is there?

You've said you're willing to change your name when you do get married.

Until then, the baby has your name.

Everyone's happy.

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