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Original poster

Since having a baby I’m obsessed with marriage?

126 replies

Delizhop · 10/08/2020 15:52

Hi,

So I’ve only been with my partner for over a year, we accidentally fell pregnant early (on the pill, great help that was!) we decided to keep it and I gave birth early June! We love being parents and we are in a really good relationship. Live together, have a child, holidays together, accounts together oh and survived lockdown so I say we’ve done pretty well.

Now it’s finally time to register her and I’m tied on names as I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. Unfortunately he was made redundant beginning of lockdown so money has become tight. He always says we will do it one day. Everyone around us is getting engaged including a member of his family.

I’m not asking for a big wedding, I would much rather spend that money on a house deposit. If we ever had the money to do a big wedding then yeah I would probably redo it but I don’t like being his girlfriend and baby mum. It feels low I guess.

Just always wanted to be married before having a baby and I guess now I’m slightly obsessed and driving him crazy about it.

How do I get over it? Why am I so obsessed?

First of all I have always wanted to get married. If it’s not for you... then the thread isn’t for you...

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 10/08/2020 16:50

Please give the baby your name.

My sister had two children with a man that said they’d “get married one day,” and gave them his surname.

Fast forward 6 years and he turned out to be a total arsehole, they broke up and he hardly has anything to do with the children, and my sister hates it that she has a different surname to her children.

She has asked him if she can change their surnames to his and he has flatly refused.

I took one of her children on holiday last year and I had to get a letter from her father, who barely sees the child, to give us written permission to take her out of the country, simply because he’s the one with the same surname. It made my sister feel so insignificant as a parent due to her not being able to do it when she’s the main —only— carer of the children.

Give the baby your name and then change it if you get married.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Solasum · 10/08/2020 16:56

The obvious solution is to give the baby Your Name His Name. Then if you do get married yours becomes the middle name, and if things go wrong, you just use yours. It has worked perfectly for my DS so far, and both sides of the family use their bit of the name. There are at least 4 children in DS’s class who have done exactly this

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/08/2020 16:59

Give the baby your name and then think seriously about your legal protection moving forwards.
A friend of mine has four children with a man who persuaded her they were too cool to marry. She ended up being completely shafted when he moved on.

ChicCroissant · 10/08/2020 17:03

Give the baby your name.

ErickBroch · 10/08/2020 17:04

Double-barrel it. The whole 'one day' thing is too unreliable. If you end up getting married and taking his surname it's very easy to change and good chance it will be done before she'd even notice.

cornflakecritter · 10/08/2020 17:07

I agree, give the baby your surname or double barrel.

He is telling you he doesn't currently want to get married. That may mean he isn't ready- and it is a short period of time you have known each other, compared to when most people get married. So eventually if you get married, and change your name, you will all have the same surname.

As others say, he may never want to get married really- in which case giving the baby your surname or double barrelling make still sense.

He doesn't get to decide not to get married, but that the baby has to have his surname only.

PiataMaiNei · 10/08/2020 17:09

At the moment, you're unmarried with no reason to assume this will change in the near future. So, plan your life on that basis. Give the baby your name. Don't give up work.

Grumpymum789 · 10/08/2020 17:11

The baby should get your name unless you are married. There’s loads of threads on here from posters who are down the line from where you are now and regret giving their baby their ex boyfriend’s surname.
I wouldn’t count on his ‘one day’ answer either, it’s very vague and non commital. If he wanted to you could do it really cheaply and quickly.

MaskingForIt · 10/08/2020 17:12

I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. [...] He always says we will do it one day.

Standard carrot-dangle. He’ll give the baby his name and then never marry you because there will always be a reason not to.

Give the baby your last name, and if he ever does make good on marrying you, you can change the baby’s name.

Since you’re not married, make sure you’re financially protected in case of a split. Do not give up work, and make sure he pays for his share (2.5 days a week) of childcare.

LightDrizzle · 10/08/2020 17:15

Your surname, and change it when you marry. Beyond reasonable.

AllsortsofAwkward · 10/08/2020 17:15

Double barrel or have youre name I did this and ds has a different name after we split, I was young at the time and naive.

StoneColdBitch · 10/08/2020 17:15

Unmarried mothers can get completely shafted on separation if they have reduced their earning potential and live in a house that's in their partner's name. Personally I would suggest that you push very hard for a small registry office wedding ASAP. And personally I'd say that baby should get Mum's name if you're unmarried. If you marry, the baby's name can easily be changed.

Barton10 · 10/08/2020 17:43

I was in the same situation and gave my daughter my surname. Two years later we got married and I changed it. It is easier to change it if you are married than if you split up.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 10/08/2020 17:58

Give baby your name. If he fucks off then you’ll be raging that you named your child after him.

If he actually does want to get married then honestly, I’d just contact your registry office and arrange a wedding for a few weeks time. Just buy a pretty dress and get a couple of witnesses and get it done.

Have a big fancy bash later when you can afford it

Purpleartichoke · 10/08/2020 18:04

Give her your last name. If at some point you marry, he can change his name. I would never agree to change her name once it is given.

It isn’t reasonable for him to ask for traditional things like his child having his last name of he doesn’t want to take the other traditional steps.

Augustseemsbetter · 10/08/2020 18:15

As a mother I would want my baby's name to be my name. And then when you move onto passports it becomes even more important as mentioned by previous posts.

user1294625849274 · 10/08/2020 18:22

Give the baby your name.

FortniteBoysMum · 10/08/2020 18:22

My eldest has my name my youngest has double barreled because I refused for him not to have mine in his name if we are not married. My eldest has different father so thank god I flat out refused to use his. Mind you we had split when I registered him.

Carycy · 10/08/2020 18:24

Definitely give the child your name. I don’t see why he should expect anything else if he won’t marry you. Tell him you can change them both to his when you are married.

2bazookas · 10/08/2020 18:26

Give her a first name,his surname then your surname.

Then her father is acknowledged but she can be known by your name for now.

If you ever get married and decide to use his name, she can do the same.

Or if you marry and decide to keep your own name,  both parents are still acknowledged,
WhereamI88 · 10/08/2020 18:29

Why not give the baby both surnames, double barrel??? If that's not feasible because the names do not go together, baby should 100% have your name, no debate whatsoever.

Even if he does marry you in the future, why are you so intent on taking on his name? All I see is a woman doing all the work and sacrifices and a man promising things without any backup.

WhereamI88 · 10/08/2020 18:30

And what if you get married and then divorced? She will be forever only have his name then too. Too risky. Your name or double barrel.

LittleCabbage · 10/08/2020 18:37

@InTheWings

It is not 'low' to have a baby without being married, and you are not a 'baby mum'.

Somethings to consider:

If it is about having the same name, you can change your name to anything you want, including his, whether you are married or not.
Likewise, you could give the baby your surname and he could change his name to yours - married or not.
Will you continue to work as a Mum, and if you buy a house will it be in both your names? Women get badly badly shafted when they are not married, become a SAHM and he buys the house in his name. Guess what? He gets to keep it if you split, and you have no rights whatsoever, even though you provided all the childcare that enabled him to earn the money to buy the house.
Separate marriage and the wedding. Marriage can be achieved for very little money in a registry office.

If he will not marry, take this as a sign. Do not give the child his name only, give the baby your name or both your names. Hyphenated as a surname, not with yours as 'an extra middle name'. And make sure you maintain your own income and pension savings, and that if you do buy property together your name is on the deeds.

In the end marriage is a contract. You need to look out for your interests, OP.

This is extremely important OP. Read this post carefully. If you are not married, and reduce your working hours or stop work, you will be very financially vulnerable if you split up.

I would recommend that you split childcare equally once mat leave ends. If he refuses..... well, that tells you he is happy for you to be made vulnerable. Not a good sign.

Please give your baby your surname. It is your legal right.

LittleCabbage · 10/08/2020 18:40

I wouldn't pressure him into marriage though. He either wants to or he doesn't. But protect your own rights either way. If he doesn't like it - tough. He can't have his cake and eat it. Too many women get screwed over this way.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/08/2020 18:42

Please give the baby your name.

You are the mother.

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