Since having a baby I’m obsessed with marriage?

[Delizhop]

Hi,

So I’ve only been with my partner for over a year, we accidentally fell pregnant early (on the pill, great help that was!) we decided to keep it and I gave birth early June! We love being parents and we are in a really good relationship. Live together, have a child, holidays together, accounts together oh and survived lockdown so I say we’ve done pretty well.

Now it’s finally time to register her and I’m tied on names as I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. Unfortunately he was made redundant beginning of lockdown so money has become tight. He always says we will do it one day. Everyone around us is getting engaged including a member of his family.

I’m not asking for a big wedding, I would much rather spend that money on a house deposit. If we ever had the money to do a big wedding then yeah I would probably redo it but I don’t like being his girlfriend and baby mum. It feels low I guess.

Just always wanted to be married before having a baby and I guess now I’m slightly obsessed and driving him crazy about it.

How do I get over it? Why am I so obsessed?

First of all I have always wanted to get married. If it’s not for you... then the thread isn’t for you...

If I had a pound for every woman on here who has had a baby with someone who has told her that they will get married “one day”, I’d be able to retire.

Yeah. This.

OP, you can do a registry office wedding right now for about 100 quid. You can then do a proper wedding-style party in a couple of years time (if you want to).

Suggest to him that you do the above. If he still pulls faces and makes excuses..... he's stringing you along.

Marriage was invented to give women legal/financial security because once you have kids you feel (and are!) very vulnerable. You are not ‘obsessed’ with marriage, you are frustrated that you’re an unmarried mum despite being in a relationship with the loving father of the baby. Fine if that’s what you wanted (and you’re happy to eg not travel in middle east) but obvs it isn’t what you want and I don’t think many women do.

Tell him you want a registry office wedding asap and to save the money you would have spent on the wedding for your life together (wish I’d spent less on wedding 🤦‍♀️) If he wants a big ‘romantic’ wedding then suggest you renew your vows one day or have a big anniversary party or something. There is nothing romantic about postponing marriage.

@Billben it is legally and morally the mothers choice

Marriage was invented to give women legal/financial security because once you have kids you feel (and are!) very vulnerable
well, no marriage came into being as a way to build alliances of wealth and land between families and as a way to expand the labour force within the family. And women were pretty much 'claimed' with very few rights at all. if any.

But the modern marriage contract does give each partner rights and responsibilities. Incidentally, if the OP owned a property or significant equity in property in her own name, acquired before the relationship started, has a good pension pot while he has little, and if her income is greater and looks to stay that way, marriage would not be in her interests at all in terms of financial security.

And of course many people want the commitment connected with unconditional love that marriage demonstrates.

One size does not fit all when deciding on married v non-married.

A few people have suggestion double barrelling - don’t do that, unless they are ‘old’ names it’s tacky and sounds cheap. You could use his name as a middle name though

It might sound 'tacky and cheap' to you (and how rude) but where I live significant numbers of children have hyphenated names.

And what does 'old names' mean??

Snobby, too.

Spanish people have two surnames - are they allowed?

@Billben

Give her your last name. It's not up to him

Neither it is up to OP.

Except it absolutely is. He only gets to even be at the registration if OP agrees. The baby is hers. They’re not married, his choice apparently, that limits his options.

Give your baby your name. Normally on a thread like this i would say tell him you want to get married, if he doesn't want to he can shove off. But, you are only together a year or so and he isn't financially secure at present so he is probably right to be cautious. In your shoes i would set a date, 1 year, 18 months, whatever, at which point you both need to decide together what the future holds. Perhaps you will be less obsessed if you have a date to work towards.

OP if you start to feel under pressure to change your mind just remember that your baby ALREADY has a last name.

When she was born the hospital documented her as ‘BabyGirl Delizhop’ because babys have their mums last name which if they married and changed their name before baby was born then by default it was the dads too.

So you can choose to CHANGE her last name to his or you can ADD his on but her last name as birth was yours.

@ChelseaCat - why wouldn’t you double barrel? In many countries it is the norm. Much better than just having the family name from one parent.

@DocOfTheBay

Marriage was invented to give women legal/financial security because once you have kids you feel (and are!) very vulnerable well, no marriage came into being as a way to build alliances of wealth and land between families and as a way to expand the labour force within the family. And women were pretty much 'claimed' with very few rights at all. if any.

But the modern marriage contract does give each partner rights and responsibilities. Incidentally, if the OP owned a property or significant equity in property in her own name, acquired before the relationship started, has a good pension pot while he has little, and if her income is greater and looks to stay that way, marriage would not be in her interests at all in terms of financial security.

And of course many people want the commitment connected with unconditional love that marriage demonstrates.

One size does not fit all when deciding on married v non-married.

There is a vast body of evidence that shows DC born to married parents do better in pretty much every measurable life outcome.

Where DC are concerned, there very much is one size fits all.

@wigglerose

Is it the perceived security, OP? When I got married it was good to know that I was definitely his next of kin and could make decisions for him if the worst came to the worst and vice versa. Both of our families are aging and live hours away.

There is no such thing as 'next of kin' in the UK.

Give your baby your name. If/when you get married you can change it. I really hate that it is expected that the child take the father’s name. So old fashioned and unreasonable.

Maybe going against the grain here but I was in your exact same situation (accidental baby, sudden marriage obsession!). I gave the baby his name simply because I wanted us all to have the same surname at some point and I wasn't that attached to my own.

We got married when our son was about 2 and I then changed my name legally but kept my name professionally.

I'd say I'm a pretty ardent feminist I just didn't attach too much weight to the name thing generally, and preferred his surname for our kids!

No question at all. You have given birth to this child. You give it your name.
If he wants the child to have his name, he can married you when you register the birth. If he doesn't want to pay a few quid for that, he doesn't want to marry you.

Is it even old fashioned though ? Historically many babies took the mother's name if the parents were not married.

Good grief, there are women who change their name by deed poll to the name of the boyfriend who won’t even marry them yet?

Their self-esteem must be in their boots.

@trixiebelden77

Good grief, there are women who change their name by deed poll to the name of the boyfriend who won’t even marry them yet?

Their self-esteem must be in their boots.

Yeah. It comes up a surprising amount on here.

there are women who change their name by deed poll to the name of the boyfriend who won’t even marry them yet

that is batshit.

Julie Myerson changed her name to that of her long term partner. I do think that’s quite an odd thing to do.

I'm unmarried and I gave my baby my surname. His father and paternal grandfather aren't happy

I would reconsider the relationship if a man was actually unhappy about that sort of thing. It shows a real lack of character. Your child is yours, he has no right if he didn't step up and marry you first.

@RedRumTheHorse

If you are not married you can name her what you like (within reason).

Make sure you tell the register that you aren't married and these are what her names are.

If you and your partner then get married, you can re-register her and change her lastname.

Hopefully that will give him the kick up the bum you want.

this 100%

Use your name. My parents weren’t married and when I was a baby she took me to be registered with my dad’s surname and they wouldn’t do it as he wasn’t there. So he went the next time, I was given his name....and they separated shortly after. She always regretted not just doing it with her surname the first time she went. I changed it to my mum’s name at 4, although not legally, I just always used it.

Interestingly, when I applied for my full birth certificate my name had been indexed under both surnames.

I find it really depressing that some women will go through the pain of childbirth and the life-changing consequences of having a baby to look after, only to give it someone else's name.
Have we progressed so little?

Imo

1. Every baby should have it's mother's name.
2. The term 'maiden name' should be scrapped.

Hear hear, @Deadringer.

This thread has just reminded me of when I was in the postnatal ward after having DS, and there was a man a few beds down apopleptic with fury because 'his' newborn had its mother's name, as is normal, on its ID bracelet, not his name, which the baby was apparently going to be given. He was standing there shaking his fist and roaring about 'my rights' and security had to escort him out.

I've always hoped against hope that his unfortunate girlfriend saw the light, ditched him and gave the baby her name.