Since having a baby I’m obsessed with marriage?

[Delizhop]

Hi,

So I’ve only been with my partner for over a year, we accidentally fell pregnant early (on the pill, great help that was!) we decided to keep it and I gave birth early June! We love being parents and we are in a really good relationship. Live together, have a child, holidays together, accounts together oh and survived lockdown so I say we’ve done pretty well.

Now it’s finally time to register her and I’m tied on names as I want the same name as her but my partner wants his last name. Unfortunately he was made redundant beginning of lockdown so money has become tight. He always says we will do it one day. Everyone around us is getting engaged including a member of his family.

I’m not asking for a big wedding, I would much rather spend that money on a house deposit. If we ever had the money to do a big wedding then yeah I would probably redo it but I don’t like being his girlfriend and baby mum. It feels low I guess.

Just always wanted to be married before having a baby and I guess now I’m slightly obsessed and driving him crazy about it.

How do I get over it? Why am I so obsessed?

First of all I have always wanted to get married. If it’s not for you... then the thread isn’t for you...

And I hate to say it but if you start skimming threads on here you'll see what I mean...

...you don't really know him yet. You just DON'T. When it comes to big life stuff, he's an unknown quantity. How this relationship will go is an unknown quantity.

... it might be absolutely fine. Really great. And then you'll get married and change names and it will be fab.

... it might really not be fine. And if it's not, you will be so so thankful that your baby shares a family name with you, the person she will undoubtedly live with. If - hopefully not - you were to split acrimoniously and if he were to eventually not keep in touch, you'd be even more glad.

... and also, if you are somewhere in the middle, I hate to say it but if he wants his child to have his surname then he is going to have to put his money where his mouth is and marry you. Give your family and your child the security of marriage. It's a good card to hold.

Has he said why the baby needs to have his surname? What’s wrong with yours?

I've read too many threads on MN where women have been shafted after having a baby with someone and not getting married. I'd be pointing out the legal aspects as pp have said. Unless you're the main bread winner (also as pp have said).

Thank you for all your answers! I’ve told him I want her to have my last name and we can change it when we get married. He was a bit upset but I’ve stood my ground.

For the best. It's unfortunate he's upset, but men really need to get past the idea that they have the right to pass surnames to children. A man who wants an equal say in the name of his child needs to not impregnate a woman he isn't married to, that's the stone cold fact.

I'd give it some time before making a decision about marriage too, and ensure your life and affairs are structured on the basis that you're not married until and unless that changes. So don't drop your hours at work and certainly don't quit, think about who you both want to be named on any pensions, make wills. Don't think, oh, we'll get married soon enough so there's no point. None of us know what's round the corner.

Oh and also, although the law is supposed to change to extend full state bereavement benefit rights to the surviving partner when an unmarried partner dies, that hasn't yet happened and since we have a pandemic and a government who don't exactly support the independent judiciary, no way of knowing when it will. So bear that in mind when getting life insurance etc.

@PiataMaiNei the law is supposed to change to extend full state bereavement benefit rights to the surviving partner when an unmarried partner dies

How is that going to work in reality though? Suppose a man has two children with two different women, isn’t married to either of them and lives alone, but goes round and spends the night at the second mother’s house to see the child and for a booty call. What will actually constitute a legal but not formalised “partner”?

@Parker231

Has he said why the baby needs to have his surname? What’s wrong with yours?

^This

If his name is very common and yours is rare, particularly if you are an only child, there is absolutely no reason why your joint children should ever have his name. I actually know married couples whose children have the female spouses lastname because of this.

We double barrelled DC’s surname so it reflected both our families. I didn’t change my name when we got married. Personally I don’t like, what I consider is an out of date practice of the wife changing her name on marriage or DC’s automatically taking the fathers surname.

If I had a pound for every woman on here who has had a baby with someone who has told her that they will get married “one day”, I’d be able to retire.

Yup.

And, OP, you seem to be confusing the concept of 'marriage' with that of 'wedding' in both your posts. Weddings are completely unimportant. Marriage is hugely important in terms of legal protection.

[quote MaskingForIt]@PiataMaiNei the law is supposed to change to extend full state bereavement benefit rights to the surviving partner when an unmarried partner dies

How is that going to work in reality though? Suppose a man has two children with two different women, isn’t married to either of them and lives alone, but goes round and spends the night at the second mother’s house to see the child and for a booty call. What will actually constitute a legal but not formalised “partner”?[/quote]
Not sure. It was following the McLaughlin decision.

[quote MaskingForIt]@PiataMaiNei the law is supposed to change to extend full state bereavement benefit rights to the surviving partner when an unmarried partner dies

How is that going to work in reality though? Suppose a man has two children with two different women, isn’t married to either of them and lives alone, but goes round and spends the night at the second mother’s house to see the child and for a booty call. What will actually constitute a legal but not formalised “partner”?[/quote]
I guess they would have to be living together (as if they're married, as the DWP puts it) to get the rights.

Your last post was about weddings, not marriage.

It’s a very new relationship and has moved very fast, best to wait and in the meantime both pay attention to your personal financial security.

Give the baby your name!

I think its bullshit that men expect babies to have their name if they are not married to their mother.

OTOH, I prob would not have had a baby in your position and risk being saddled to someone who I barely knew. But I don't know your circumstances, its different for everyone.

As pp have said, you can always change your names when you get married.

Give her your last name. It's not up to him

Neither it is up to OP.

@PrincessHoneysuckle

I changed my name by deed poll after id had ds then a few years later we got married when we were ready.Yes it was strange that the vicar said "do you Honeysuckle take you Honeysuckle?" like we were related but everyone at the wedding knew we had the same surname to start with so no biggee.

If he won't 'give' you his name by marrying you, don't just 'take' it in this way - have a bit of pride fgs.

..and yes, definitely give her your surname.

It does sound like things are going well for your relationship, but in reality you barely know this man.

Quite apart from anything else, how he reacts to you giving her your name will give you an invaluable insight into the type of man he is, and how he sees the future of your relationship.

I expect he will either say fuck it, let's just get married and give her our married name, or kick up a huge, patriarchy-fuled stink about it.

I'd advise you to pay very close attention to this reaction; you could well save yourself a huge amount of heartache further down the line.

@Billben

Give her your last name. It's not up to him

Neither it is up to OP.

Incorrect. As she's unmarried, she's the one who makes the decision. This is how the law works.

^ Agreed.

If he would like to have a say in the naming of his child, then he always has the option of marrying OP.

Honestly, some men people really do want to have their cake and eat it.

If you wanted to get married before the baby. ... you are a few months too late...
Nothing ties people together more than having a baby. You are your kids mum. He is your kids dad. No marriage license will change that.

Stop looking at what other people do. You had a baby which wasnt planned. Which is fine. But dont rush into getting married because of a feeling that you need to do what others around you are all doing.

Register her under your name.

To be fair, I don’t think this is (yet!) a case of a man messing an OP around about marriage, since the relationship is not yet longstanding. Not wanting to marry yet would be sensible IMO.

Also. Considering youve only been together shortly. And the baby wasnt planned.. why even think about giving her his last name.

Having a baby breaks up the best of relationships after years and years of being together. And you guys are stll just trying to get to know each other. .

Give the baby your surname.

A few people have suggestion double barrelling - don’t do that, unless they are ‘old’ names it’s tacky and sounds cheap. You could use his name as a middle name though

I’d give the baby my name . If and when you marry this guy then you can all change your names to his if you like .

Why would you change names if they got married? Can he not change his - why do they need to be the same?

@Billben

Give her your last name. It's not up to him

Neither it is up to OP.

Actually, since the OP is unmarried, it is totally her choice. He won’t even be on the birth certificate if she doesn’t want him to be.

I'm unmarried and I gave my baby my surname. His father and paternal grandfather aren't happy about it, but my life will be infinitely easier for us having the same surname. At the airport, at nursery, at school, at the doctors, dentists so on.