Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

[RangeTesKopeks]

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

Oh Christ. I’m off on leave at the moment so have had more time to think about this whole situation and am ruminating a bit.

I really did feel like I needed to say something to my friend, so am glad I finally stood up for myself. As previous posters have mentioned though (and I realised this too), I should have said something to my friend years ago - and didn’t. So, understandably, she was upset in her reply back to me that I mentioned on here.

I just really want to send her a follow-up message to explain myself further. But I know this could go badly. I’m just starting to feel guilty and frustrated. I’m so relieved that I finally stood up myself but there was always a risk it would go badly - which it did. And I’m wondering if I can do anything about it? I feel really bad.

I'd just leave it now OP, you've already said you don't want to continue your friendship with her anyway, so what else is there to say?

I have to agree, I think you need to leave the conversation with her now.
Are you feeling guilty because you think the friendship could have been saved had you spoke up years ago? Are you missing the good times in your friendship?
Honestly if I was the friend and I received that message without any previous hints towards those feelings I would walk away from you anyway.

Thanks @AlrightTreacle and @Pebblexox.

Yep Pebble, I think I am feeling guilty because I feel like I should’ve said something long before now - I didn’t know how to be assertive before (in all areas of my life).

Assertiveness is only a skill I’ve properly started to learn since starting work. I was just quite passive before, which I hated but didn’t know how to change.

I wonder if I should send my friend a message saying something like: I’m really sorry you feel misled and that was absolutely never my intention. I’m sorry for not mentioning earlier how I’d felt as I completely understand that you must be feeling upset and betrayed. Could we have a phone catch up/Skype to talk things through?

Do you actually want to dump her or do you just want her attention?

First you say you want don’t want to carry on the friendship now you want to catch up?

I don’t want to ‘dump’ her and I don’t want her attention either @TatianaBis - I sent her the message because I wanted to explain to her how hurt I had been by her behaviour. I would like to have a chance to explain how I’ve felt over the years and to see if we can repair the friendship.

No. Just leave it. Tbh if you plan to speak your mind more often you have to ride the wave of uncomfortable feelings you get afterwards. You can't expect to just stop having those feelings, they are the reason you've avoided being assertive in the past!

You said repeatedly in your OP that you ‘don’t want to carry on the friendship’:

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?...

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship

You were even considering ghosting her.

Now you say you wanted to ‘explain you were hurt‘ and to ‘repair the friendship’.

Which is it?

Honestly just leave it. I know you feel like you want closure on it but you have to accept that it’s probably never going to come from the sort of person who exists only to be centre of attention and the leader. You’ve said your piece, she’s replied demonstrating that she’s not taken one iota of it on board and attempted to make changes. There is nowhere to go from here. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and all that. Just move on or you look like you’re just doing it for attention.

@TatianaBis I do want to repair the friendship if I can. I even said in my opening posts, as you quote, that I don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument. The absolute last thing I want to do is hurt my friend and I would like to repair the friendship if possible.

@NoParticularPattern that’s a good point, thank you. I do appreciate the risk is that I could be seen as doing it for attention. I just really do want closure (although I realise I brought this upon myself!)

Well I’d say you’ve nuked rather the repaired the friendship. If you’d said that was your aim from the start, posters would have given different advice. I would just let it go at this point.

Ouch thanks @TatianaBis!

Knowing who she is and what she is like, do you want to spend more time with her? Would that being joy into your life? If so, why did you send her a message breaking off your friendship? And if not, why are you ow talking about seeing her? It seems like you want to get her to act the way you want, or yo be able to break off the friendship and her be happy with that. You can't really make either of those happen - you can't control other people's feelings or behaviour. Of course she is going to feel hurt that you want to break off the friendship (particularly as you gave all those reasons - this is why people were telling you not to put lots of reasons) but you've done the hard bit now so unless you really want to spend loads of time with her now, just leave it!

@Anycrispsleft all the points you mention are totally fair. I just really don’t want to hurt her, although I realise you can’t control other people’s behaviour/reactions.

I had some sympathy for you in the beginning but not anymore. You keep blaming it on you not being assertive but your friend had no control over that. You went on a holiday that you were not prepared for and tried to change the activities for everyone. You claim you supported your friend but then resented her for it. You got involved with her wedding despite being angry with her. You tried to ghost her and then sent her hurtful messages. You said you wanted to leave the friendship but now you want to work it out.

I don't just see a lack of assertiveness. I see someone craving attention and blaming her own behaviour on someone else.

For everyone's sake, both yours and hers, leave the friendship and move on.

@WhereamI88 I didn’t try and change the activities for everyone - I just chose not to get involved in the activities I didn’t want to do. There’s nothing from my previous posts that suggests in any way that I tried to change what everyone else was doing,

I agree that my friend had no control over me being assertive.

I got involved with her wedding because I enjoyed our friendship in spite of the other parts of our friendship.

The main thing that upset me was the weekend away, which happened after the wedding, because I didn’t feel like my friend treated me fairly.

My message to my friend was not at all intended to be hurtful and it explained how hurt I had felt at her behaviour towards me on that weekend.

I will now leave the friendship well alone. I had wanted to send that final message to explain to her that I had not at all wanted to hurt her.

Yes op leave it now. Whats done is done. You had years to bring up your unhappiness and chose to stay quiet until the very end when you then sent her a text she would have found shocking and hurtful to be accused of things she had not thought about.

You said at the beggining you wanted to end the friendship and now shes ended it for you, you suddenly want it back. Sorry but it looks irreparable.

I'm a bit confused after your latest updates. Can I ask, do you struggle with anxiety OP?

OP,
Definitely leave it.
Don't second guess yourself.
The holiday wasn't great.
People who ask your opinion and then duly dismiss it ..as in the ,"cauliflower" incident are domineering and tiresome.

Why should you have to get into an argument on holidays over what you eat because another person, without consultation, has decided menu's?

Batshit.

In the real world people wouldn't accept that and would bail.

I certainly wouldn't be told by anyone what I will and won't eat.

She was deeply unpleasant to you after the wedding and that was the final straw.

Do not contact her.
It's over.

She sent a stupid reply about the wedding which occurred before the weekend away, which was the final straw in your friendship.

She's grasping for umbrage.

You haven't liked her for years.
Stop flogging a dead horse.
It's over.

Move on OP.
Own what you have done and leave it.

I think she sounds like she was used to dominating you and dismissing you.

The worm has turned. Move on...and stop ruminating 😁👍

It will feel uncomfortable right now but despite that you've done exactly the right thing. You've been honest with her and yourself about your feelings. This friendship is just not working for you. I would let this friendship fizzle out if I were you. You don't owe the friend anything more. You've explained yourself already. Don't keep explaining. She may be upset but it's because you've called her out on unacceptable behaviour from her. Don't take on any guilt from this. Focus on the friends you have who treat you well.

I think you are feeling guilty now is just a replaying of your dynamic with her to be honest. She's put it back on you as the unreasonable one and now you are questioning yourself again.

I would not act out of this current feeling of guilt. I would let it pass and remind yourself of all the moments which brought you to the place you were at when you started this thread.

You won't feel good if you now try and repair the relationship. You'll just be back where you started. Unfortunately 'assertiveness' doesn't always equal feeling more comfortable - sometimes part of it is accepting it can be uncomfortable and cause hurt feelings.

Give yourself some time.

Give yourself a break OP.

*I think you are feeling guilty now is just a replaying of your dynamic with her to be honest. She's put it back on you as the unreasonable one and now you are questioning yourself again.

I would not act out of this current feeling of guilt. I would let it pass and remind yourself of all the moments which brought you to the place you were at when you started this thread

You won't feel good if you now try and repair the relationship. You'll just be back where you started. Unfortunately 'assertiveness' doesn't always equal feeling more comfortable - sometimes part of it is accepting it can be uncomfortable and cause hurt feelings*

Completely this.

Also just to add that the people who can't understand why you weren't assertive have just been brought up to be assertive. There's nothing special about them. You've had to learn it at an older age, which is much harder, so well done for doing it. One of the things you need to drop is the idea that you can always keep people happy. You can't. What if two people want opposing things, what do you do then? Someone will be disappointed and the truth is, it shouldn't always be you.