Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

[RangeTesKopeks]

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

If your ghoster told you ‘You’re a bit fat, wear too much makeup, you bore me to tears, and have the most annoying laugh. I never really fancied you but thought you’d do for a shag til I met someone hotter’.

If they told me that I'd think, well actually, I'm more than a bit fat, don't agree about the makeup, I always worry I'm boring so that's probably fair, I think my laugh is ok and we've never shagged nor were ever going to, so that's weird.

Genuinely, I'd like to know. If I thought it was fair I could work on some things for future relationships. If I didn't I would at least know.
It is very difficult to not know. I'm now happy and confident that I'm better without their friendship, but every few weeks I still think why? What did I do?

Well it’s good that you have finally asserted yourself.
It’s a real shame that you only managed to do that to actually end the friendship.

This should have happened years ago and would have given your friend the chance to change. How in earth was she supposed to know you had an issue with it if you never said anything?? (That’s the old MN, no one can read what is in your mind!)
So whilst I get where you are coming from and I get that you needed to finally put those boundaries in place, I also feel it’s a little bit too little too late on your part too...

Such a shame of what looks like a long friendship

If someone doesn’t want to be friends with you or go out with you it’s because they don’t like and/or fancy you enough to do so.

You don’t need to work on anything, they just we’re the right match.

What pissed one person off might be the things that some else likes about you.

Why don't you be honest and say "Can we have a zoom chat to clear the air?"

Then say -
I know things have been hard for you. But when this happened I felt............ and then this happened.............. etc
Not having a go but adult and mature like.
Say what you want -if we are going to more this relationship forward -can we focus on being positive, suppportive etc

Ok long and the short of it is she didn’t like you that much. You annoyed her and bored her and did something that pissed her off so much that she decided she’d rather spend time with her other friends.

@TatianaBis
Yes i am,because at least i wouldnt be sitting here wondering what i did wrong.

I’ve just gone back and read your previous thread. She really doesn’t deserve more than, “Fuck you and the avocado you rode in on.”

@YorkshireTeaIsTheBest I’ve done those things in my message i sent to my friend today.

@QuestionMarkNow I think it’s too early to say whether the friendship is ended - or even to say whether I ended the friendship. I’m glad I asserted myself now at least. Perhaps I should have asserted myself earlier, but I didn’t know how to do this, so wasn’t able to.

I got to a point with my friendship where I realised I was getting very little happiness or pleasure from it.

Over the last few years - maybe the last 5 years or so, I’ve met some fantastic friends who I have a completely different type of friendship and dynamic with. They’ve never once put me down or made me feel small or worthless, and I’ve always felt like I could confide in them if needed - and vice versa.

With this friend, that dynamic wasn’t really there unfortunately, but we first got to know each other when I was about 8 so that was a long time ago (over 20 years ago) and I’ve definitely changed as a person since then, as has my friend possibly.

Life is definitely too short to have friendships where you feel undervalued and treated like shit.

Today, I actually re-read the thread I wrote on the Lake District holiday, and had forgotten some of the things that had happened in our friendship. Yes there were some good times, but there were also some shit times.

And I don’t think it’s too much to ask in a friendship for a friend to treat you with kindness and respect - and to help you have good experiences - rather than also giving you shit to deal with along the way.

Ha thanks @AuntyPasta!

Friendships are give and take and sometimes take work. Friends fall out and make up all the time. Only you op can decide if you really want to end things for good or if you want to get everything off your chest and try again. How do you feel now? Really in your heart are you hoping she replies or not? There lies the answer to whether you want the friendship ended for good.

@AuntyPasta

I’ve just gone back and read your previous thread. She really doesn’t deserve more than, “Fuck you and the avocado you rode in on.”

That would have been a great response!

Has she read your message?

OP,
I think your friendship has long since past its sell by date.

The dynamic was certainly not healthy.

I thought @gavisconismyfriend was a great text.

The thing is friendships and people change.
People either make you feel good about yourself, them and what you share.
Frankly if they don't, move on.

I see no value in carrying on with friendships that only are about a shared history.

Its ok to change and to no longer be the same person, it's good to evolve.

Life is too darn short to be spending time with people that you ceased to enjoy sharing time with.

Well done for asserting yourself OP, finally.

Now move on.
Don't be dragged into a whodoneit!
Move on and accept and own that ye are different people.

That draft you've sent...I hate to say it but I don't think it's you 'asserting yourself' at all. I think it's whiny and blaming her and inviting discussion.
If you would like to discuss what happened I assume you would have done it earlier or instigated it yourself.
It sounds like you know you don't want to continue the friendship (fair enough) so what's the use of discussing or going over what she did wrong again? She sounds like she knows what upset you too so she's not in the dark.
You can keep your boundary (not continuing your friendship) without going round the houses and raking over the past. That's more assertive than listing what she did wrong.
First message - 'thank you for getting in touch, I do appreciate you acknowledging x and I know we've been friends a long time, but after some reflection I feel it's not best for me to continue our friendship. I'm sorry if this upsets you and I wish you all the best' sort of thing.
If she replies asking for an explanation, if you feel like giving her one 'There were times I felt really dismissed by you and I want more from friendships than that. I'm sad it's ended here but I feel it's the right thing for both of us to move on. I wish you well and always will.'

This is a tough one, you've sent the message and had your say and now the ball's in her court. This pattern has been established over decades and never challenged, so she might find it hard to get her head around it, or just refuse to hear you.

Either way, you don't have to continue the friendship, and it doesn't really matter how she responds if you genuinely feel that way.

If someone doesn’t want to be friends with you or go out with you it’s because they don’t like and/or fancy you enough to do so.

Of course, but they should at least have the balls to say so. You don't have to list a whole load of personal faults, just have the decency to say "Look, I'm sorry but this isn't working because of X, all the best for the future". It takes a matter of seconds.

Don’t ghost her just tell her you don’t want to continue the friendship and the reasons why.

@RangeTesKopeks

Today, I actually re-read the thread I wrote on the Lake District holiday, and had forgotten some of the things that had happened in our friendship. Yes there were some good times, but there were also some shit times.

And I don’t think it’s too much to ask in a friendship for a friend to treat you with kindness and respect - and to help you have good experiences - rather than also giving you shit to deal with along the way.

I think the message you a drafted above was perfect; no anger, just matter of fact and leaving it to her to digest and process.

People change; it happens and it can spell the end of friendships of many years standing. Often the catalyst for these can be weddings/babies etc.

My ex BFF ghosted me and after I wrote to her when I realised she’d cut our friendship on FB (a declaration of war, right? ) she came back with some absolutely mind bending stuff.

That was her truth, I have mine and the reality is likely somewhere in the middle.

I would have given anything to be able to have that discussion with her before she treated me like shit and ghosted me to be able to explain a few things.

You’ve done a mature thing OP, very mature. I wish you luck and remember; if this friendship does die, it’s died with dignity. I wish mine had been allowed to instead of in hurt and disbelief.

I thought the draft you sent was really good. I wonder if it was no coincidence that nobody else was able to go for the weekend. The other invitees may have had similar experiences. Anyway, you've now made it clear how upset you felt. If she really wants to take things forward, she will try to make amends.

Not replying or ghosting can have a place at times I think. It can allow that person to come to the conclusion 'O they've just got other things going on in their lives, in not going to stress it if they don't reply'; rather than being blatantly told that it is they, themselves that is the problem!

I'm, not in

If they follow up after a first non-response then I think you owe some explanation.

any response from your friend OP?