Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

[RangeTesKopeks]

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

Sorry read the message you sent her - really good message that sets out exactly your view. Fair play to you.

I’m also wondering why you went on a hillwalking holiday when you don’t like hillwalking. We’re hillwalkers too and have done similar breaks with other hillwalking friends. Having someone in trainers wanting to take the easier route is a pain in the arse to people who are kitted up and prepared for a more challenging one. That holiday was never going to work for you.

You really think being dumped with a litany of faults is less hurtful than just being dumped? Ha.

I do find it odd that people think a full-on character assassination is a kinder way of ending a friendship than 'ghosting'. I'd much rather be ghosted, personally.

I also think that if you've got to the point where someone's behaviour has been so upsetting and objectionable that you'll end the friendship over it, you don't owe them an explanation in the first place. What does it do, but give them a chance to come back with 'I can't believe you feel this way; I'm a great friend and totally not a twunt; you're oversensitive/paranoid/completely delusional' (delete as appropriate)?

I don't know about this one. I'm a bit on the fence. I don't like bossy people and it is really hard to stand up to them when everyone else doesn't have the balls to pipe up. Then, on the other hand procrastination and indecisiveness are really frustrating.

I used to be very, very assertive but life and motherhood has taken the wind out of my sails. My summer is basically screwed because I haven't taken the lead, haven't organised things and haven't had my act together for months as I just got into a lockdown slump. We are not going on holiday, have very few activities planned and are really bored. If I don't organise something, we don't do anything.

I wouldn't dump her...yet. I'd just take my foot off the pedal and not go on holiday with her, not go on days out and not put myself in a position where I was the 5th wheel etc. Just don't be available. I say this because whilst she is a selfish cow, I also think you lack assertiveness and perhaps self esteem (sorry!) and I think you need to look and work at this as believe me when I say that there are a lot of unbelievably selfish people out there and you will just come across this again.

Don't waste your time on her. Focus on YOU, developing other friendships and interests. Do you have a partner, or would you consider dating?

Was there any indication as to why every else pulled out of the weekend?

There seems to be "fault" on both sides, but if the weekend was the last straw, then that's that.

You really think being dumped with a litany of faults is less hurtful than just being dumped? Ha.

I do find it odd that people think a full-on character assassination is a kinder way of ending a friendship than 'ghosting'. I'd much rather be ghosted, personally.

You dont have to do a character assassination though.You could tell the other person that you just dont want to be friends.Not just leave them hanging in McDonalds on a cold October morning with a 4 month old.

Anyway, it's okay to let friendships just burn out sometimes

Apparently not on MN. To all the posters who have sent messages to people ending friendships- what do you do if you bump into the person again? Surely if you don’t want to see a friend again you are just busy and in 5 years time you can choose to pick up the friendship again or not. It always seems a bit drastic actively cutting someone out of your life.

I think that is the more normal way to approach friendships. MN often seems to suggest a more sledgehammer approach. I think it probably goes along with jumping to quick assumptions that someone is disrespecting you and feeling slighted. Personally, I have found treating friendships with a light hand has been a better approach.

Honestly I was sympathetic before you sent that message. As someone who also found it difficult to be open and honest with people it is not her fault you didn't tell her she was doing your head in or act accordingly at the time she did it and now you have ended up sending her a list of your private bitchy thoughts of the last 2 years. Actually much crueller than being direct at the time. With age I have learned to be much more direct (or just behave as I want to) and it spares hurt feelings on both sides.

You have the power to hurt as well as be hurt, you know, don't focus so hard on the latter you forget the former.

@Mumdiva99

I'm with *@Mummyoflittledragon and @AlrightTreacle* - you went on a walking holiday with out the right gear, you wanted them to change all their planned routes, your friend said you could do your own thing but that wasn't good enough. I wouldn't have wanted to share a canoe or kayak as it isn't as much fun - again that was arranged before you went.... You would have done my head in on the holiday. I think I would like your friend.

And if I got the text message you sent i would be . If you had a problem you should have said at the time.....it's not her fault if you didn't. Tbh I think you've done her a favour....

Good for you that you now have a friendship group of like minded friends.

I'm so pleased someone else has said this, I thought I was going mad.

Gosh- you do overthink things don't you (in the nicest possible way having just read both your threads).

Why can't you just say-
"Thanks for getting in touch again. I really valued our friendship at the time but it simply doesn't work for me anymore. I wish you all the best in life".

And then move on

@Bunkbedpeople thank you! You have perfectly summed up how I felt and the role I think I was assigned by my friend. That’s absolutely it. Thanks for being so understanding.

I am very much someone who will unfriend people if they bring too much negativity to my life.

But could you just be friends at a distance. It seems a shame to fall out. Why can’t you just do the odd text and things but not meet up and go on holiday and things.

Thanks for your post @FatalDistraction. I definitely think I’ve gained a lot of self-esteem and assertiveness over the last couple of years, which I didn’t have when I first met my friend (for various reasons) and also didn’t have on the walking holiday.

To other posters, I thought trainers would be the best option as I hadn’t been able to find walking boots before going on the holiday (but I bought a pair in the end whilst on the holiday and this was eventually all sorted).

My friend’s behaviour has made me feel really shit on many occasions over the years and I have really thought a lot - especially since the walking holiday, and even before then - on if I want to continue the friendship.

I didn’t want to get into a pattern of being seen as the friend who will just go along with anything and can be looked down on a bit and be a bit of a doormat, as that is the dynamic I had at school, and it was really unpleasant. This is the dynamic I had with this friend, although I see now that she didn’t realise this.

I can truly say all my friends now are people I genuinely enjoy spending time with and who like me for who I am (and I like them for who they are).

I just wish I’d had the confidence to meet these people sooner and to recognise this is a much healthier dynamic (and a friendship dynamic that is more achievable to have than I’d previously thought.

I realise you can’t change the past though, but I’m grateful that I stood up to my friend, although I realise a text message can be a pretty brutal way to communicate thoughts and feelings - especially ones that have been brewing for years, so I do think perhaps I could have handled that better and said to her earlier how I felt, but I didn’t have the confidence to do it at the time.

I've just read the other thread too. I agree that it's a pain in the arse if one person wants everything to revolve around them. But you didn't do that. In fact it was your friend that did that. And the being protective about her avocados is not just selfish it's batshit.

If she's a therapist she should be encouraging people to be open and honest and she should have learnt to be reflective about feedback from others. You didn't assassinate her character, you just gave examples of how she made you feel and why.

I don't get why people prefer to be in blind ignorance as to how they come across. It leads to all sorts of issues going forward. It's different if it's something that the friend can do nothing about, like you don't like her interests or sense of humour. In that case then it's best to say you've grown apart. But you've been thoughtful enough to give her honest feedback about behaviours she can change unlike everyone else who just ghosts her. She may not thank you for it but you've been a better friend to her and when she calms down and reflects on it, she may relax her need to control everything.

It was weird inviting someone who isn't an outdoors freak and expecting them to do all the higher risk activities, when she could have done the easier routes for at least one of the walks. It was even weirder to have planned every day including the menus without checking with anyone or being willing to make any changes. And why not tell you about the key safe from day one? Seriously odd!

Thank you for being so understanding @Pinklynx - the way you describe the situation is exactly the way it came across to me.

Unfortunately that same situation has happened several times before - and since, when we went on that weekend together - and I got to a point where I thought, enough’s enough.

Previously, I had really bad ‘fear of missing out’ and also there were qualities she had that I liked - and still do. I just realised that I would have to be in these sorts of situations to also get the benefit of her good qualities and I didn’t have the energy for it anymore and also became more confident and developed more self-esteem due to various things I’ve gone through over the last few years.

It was even weirder to have planned every day including the menus without checking with anyone or being willing to make any changes.

Yeah, when she asked if everyone was ok with the menus she'd planned, and the guy said he wasn't keen on cauliflower, she told him she wasn't changing it, so why the fuck did she ask if everyone was ok with it?

@Pinklynx

Yes - the trip wasn’t a mutually agreed and arranged holiday which the OP didn’t prepare for

but an invite from the friend where she was no doubt aware that the OP isn’t that “outdoorsy”.

Hillwalking isn’t something people can just immediately do without prior knowledge or the right fitness levels.

If you go to meet-up sites for rambling/hiking/outdoors group there’s ALWAYS a guide to required equipment levels or grade/difficulty of walk so people can choose whether or not to attend well in advance.

Most outdoorsy types know this full well - organising a mixed ability group is potentially risky or unpleasant if people aren’t given warning in advance of the schedule.

I suspect someone dropped out or there weren’t enough people and the “friend” didn’t want to tell the male friends the price had gone up in case they bailed.

So she only wanted the OP to come as a last resort to keep costs down for her and the others.

Bunkbed I think you're probably right!

I think this is a lesson in cultivating communication, assertiveness and conflict resolution skills and putting them into effect as soon as you feel put upon in a friendship or relationships.

People should be able to check themselves, but all too often they can't, and 'getting away' with speaking to or treating others badly once or twice just sets the scene for a continuation of poor treatment. People can take out their frustrations on others and they need to be called out on it quickly.

Establish your boundaries of acceptable behaviour towards yourself and raise this early with others if they are broken - others will respect you more for it, hopefully change their behaviour accordingly and it might not then get to crisis stage where friendships/ relationships break down altogether.

I agree, @suggestionsplease1 and I think that’s a great idea - both in friendships and in work relationships.

I was about 7 or 8 when we first became friends. I was definitely not assertive or confident then, and because of this, unfortunately I didn’t learn to challenge her where I should have in a fair and assertive way.

Because of this, our behaviour patterns and relationship dynamic continued over the years. There was no change, apart from me pulling back more from our friendship over the years as a way of putting distance between us, as I thought this was the kindest way of letting the friendship run its course.

I didn’t expect my friend to get in touch the other day when she did, and clearly my approach of continually pulling away to signal I was unhappy with the friendship was unclear for my friend and perhaps cruel too, because she wanted to know why, however being cruel was absolutely never my intention.

Don't doubt yourself op. She's trying to turn it around now and make you out to be the bad guy. But you're not. Honestly. You've found your voice and when we assert our selves after so many years of being the under dog, it confuses people like this and now she's desperate to put you back in your place.

You said what you needed to say, and it was fine.

Well I totally understand your friend tbh. And I would have reacted the same way. You can’t avoid being assertive, keep the peace for years, basically say That you are happy with the situation, go to her wedding etc...
And then turn round to say that she had been hurtful for years. I mean, if she had why did you get involved in her wedding for example?? From afar, it looks like you have rewritten history tbh

This has no bearing on whether you are or not unreasonable in your expectations, it sounds that you standing your ground was well overdue. And her behaviour wasn’t on.

But the bottom line is that you’ve drawn a line under the friendship and thinking it could have continued after that message was a dream. I’m not actually sure how you thought it could have carried on either.

@suggestionsplease1, I agree.

But I would also add that everyone needs to set up their own boundaries. People are no mind readers and what is acceptable for some isn’t for others.
I’ve learnt that if I want to be respected, I need to uphold my own boundaries and set them clearly. I can’t expect people to just ‘know’ (Which is what you say when you talk about people ‘not behaving well when they should know better’). And why would you expect others to respect you if you can’t respect yourself enough to say NO when people walk all over you??

Which is why I have been saying that both the friend and the OP are responsible for the breakdown of the friendship.