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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

150 replies

RangeTesKopeks · 09/08/2020 17:20

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 09/08/2020 18:44

Does it all have to be so dramatic?
No one is perfect - including you. But it's nice to have friends.
Just let things cool down for a while. Only meet up when it suits you and see how things go.

Pinklynx · 09/08/2020 18:45

OP I think that's an excellent draft. What's important is not her reaction but that you sent it. Even if she gets angry she may consider her actions more in future. And if not you've shown to yourself that you can be assertive.

Hoggleludo · 09/08/2020 18:45

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Not me and her. But her and another friend.

She’s just simply said I’m sorry. But after the way you treated me I don’t wish to continue being friends. I appreciate your apology and I wish you all the very best for the future.

It’s simple. There’s no massive hurt or passive aggressive tones.

She’s much happier for getting rid of the toxic relationship.

sonjadog · 09/08/2020 18:46

I wouldn't send your draft. You will end up in a big discussion about who said/did what and then it will be harder to end it.

Hoggleludo · 09/08/2020 18:48

I think the draft has too much anger. You did this. You did that. You were awful. You made me feel horrific

Short and simple.

vanillandhoney · 09/08/2020 18:49

I think your draft is too detailed and will just result in her getting defensive and arguing with you.

Keep it short and simple. You feel the friendship has run it's course but you wish her all the best.

Original poster
RangeTesKopeks · 09/08/2020 18:50

I’ve sent the draft - as I would like her to feel how I felt and also didn’t see these latest messages. I don’t think it sounded particularly angry and think it summed up my feelings accurately. Thanks everyone for your messages and comments - I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
MzHz · 09/08/2020 18:51

My immediate thought was that its mean to just not reply, I read all your posts on the old thread and the updates in this one and I stand by that initial gut reaction

Reply! Chit chat update on what you’re up to and leave it at that. Be non committal about meeting up, say you’re busy but will look at when etc and then just forget to do so.

She does at least now she has been awful to you, this a huge thing, what’s more she has apologised and asked to keep the friendship

She clearly does value you.

Take things slow, don’t commit to anything other than a quick meet up and see what’s what

Original poster
RangeTesKopeks · 09/08/2020 18:53

I thought it was important to assert myself and stand up to my friend, which I hadn’t really done previously, so I tried to get that across in the message (and also thought it was important to actually send a message, as I didn’t want to ghost my friend, as previous posters had also warned against, as I know how shit and hurtful ghosting can be).

OP posts:
MumW · 09/08/2020 18:55

I'm sorry, but you've caused me too much hurt and I no longer wish you to be part of my life. However, I wish you well.

I had a friend ghost me, 25 years ago, we'd been through University together, she was godmotther to my DD. I phoned a couple of times and asked if I'd upset her as I'd no idea how and it certainly wasn't intentional. She basically shut down the conversation. Still no idea what happened. It probably took me the best part of 20 years to get over the hurt so, please do the decent thing and formally end it.

Sistery · 09/08/2020 18:56

If you don’t want to continue the friendship there’s no point in starting an argument or listing her faults. Why not:

Dear AG,
No hard feelings about the trip. I must be honest and say that the last few times we’ve met up I haven’t had a good time. I think we’re just very different people now. But I wish you all the best.
OP

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 18:59

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

I think the email op has written will just lead to long drawn out discussions and analysis.

Fine if that’s what she wants, but if OP wants a clean break I’d just say: ‘I’m fond of you and wish you well but I feel we’ve grown apart, not really on the same page any more. No hard feelings but I’m not really interested in pursuing a close friendship with you at this point in my life”.

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 19:00

@Sistery

If you don’t want to continue the friendship there’s no point in starting an argument or listing her faults. Why not:

Dear AG,
No hard feelings about the trip. I must be honest and say that the last few times we’ve met up I haven’t had a good time. I think we’re just very different people now. But I wish you all the best.
OP

X post, yeah. This is more succinct.
VictoriaBun · 09/08/2020 19:01

Your letter is fine, but perhaps a little long winded.
I'd just reply thanks for getting back to me, I appreciate your feedback from the weekend we had and yes I agree I was taken aback that you seemed to use me as a scapegoat for all that was not well in your life.
I have also had time to reflect and for the time being I'd prefer to leave things as they currently are.
I wish you well and hope we can meet up someday in the future for a coffee. Take care Range.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 19:06

I’ve just read your posts from the 2017 thread, not the whole thing. What I read is that you were awkward on that holiday and she had an agenda that didn’t fit with yours and she dismissed you. Putting that aside your friend counselled you as best she knew and listened to your woes. Your friend was really awkward on your last get together and you listened to hers. To some degree from her perspective, that makes you even iyswim.

Your friend cannot help that you’re not assertive. That’s on you. She can help that she doesn’t listen to you of course. You’ve obviously decided that the friendship isn’t working for you.

You’ve decided you want to put a boundary in and the way you’ve decided to do it is not to be friends anymore. Putting a boundary in is really good. Just make sure that you are definitely ready for that. I get you’re upset at her not apologising earlier. There are other boundaries you can put in place.

If you want to end the friendship I wouldn’t go into so much detail. What you say can always be used against you. I’m a HSP myself and I tend to over explain. You’re doing this here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 19:07

Oh I should have refreshed the thread before posting. Got interrupted. See you’ve sent it. I hope she takes it in the spirit it is meant.

FFSFFSFFS · 09/08/2020 19:13

Cripes I just had a look at your other thread. Don't invite any further communication with her. Run!

vanillandhoney · 09/08/2020 19:14

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

That may be true for you, but as someone who was recently ghosted, I'd much rather know what I'd done wrong. Being cut off from someone with no warning or knowledge is really hurtful - you only have to read the numerous threads in relationships to see that.

If people want to end friendships, the decent thing to do is to give the other person some closure.

neonjumper · 09/08/2020 19:15

@gavisconismyfriend

Dear Friend, Thank you for your apology, which I both appreciate and accept. However, I can’t forget how awful that weekend made me feel and for my own well-being I can’t risk being in that position again. Therefore I hope you’ll understand that I think it best for us to accept that our lives are taking different directions and that it is time to move on from our friendship. I wish you all the best for the future. Yours, Range

No point giving a big list of all the things she’s done previously that have upset you, that just gives scope for her to come back and try and justify her behaviour/argue the point.

This is perfect . It succinctly puts forward boundaries that had been overstepped, how that has impacted on you and that there is no negotiation on this .

Your message is too wishy washy and it's difficult to draw out what is the issue for you . Also your message is too open to discussion. Your message may well leave you feeling worse .

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 19:30

@vanillandhoney

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

That may be true for you, but as someone who was recently ghosted, I'd much rather know what I'd done wrong. Being cut off from someone with no warning or knowledge is really hurtful - you only have to read the numerous threads in relationships to see that.

If people want to end friendships, the decent thing to do is to give the other person some closure.

It’s never happened to me. Just an observation of friends whose bfs listed their faults as reasons for dumping and I had to pick up the pieces.

You really think being dumped with a litany of faults is less hurtful than just being dumped? Ha.

rayoflightboy · 09/08/2020 19:33

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

Actually i would,i think i deserve that much.It happened about 9 years ago,and i was upset fora long time.But thinking now,she did me a favour.But i would still like to know why?

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 19:33

@vanillandhoney

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

That may be true for you, but as someone who was recently ghosted, I'd much rather know what I'd done wrong. Being cut off from someone with no warning or knowledge is really hurtful - you only have to read the numerous threads in relationships to see that.

If people want to end friendships, the decent thing to do is to give the other person some closure.

If your ghoster told you ‘You’re a bit fat, wear too much makeup, you bore me to tears, and have the most annoying laugh. I never really fancied you but thought you’d do for a shag til I met someone hotter’.

Would you really be grateful for the feedback?

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 19:35

@rayoflightboy

For all the people saying you would rather know why you were dumped - you wouldn’t.

Actually i would,i think i deserve that much.It happened about 9 years ago,and i was upset fora long time.But thinking now,she did me a favour.But i would still like to know why?

Ok long and the short of it is she didn’t like you that much. You annoyed her and bored her and did something that pissed her off so much that she decided she’d rather spend time with her other friends.

Happy now?

vanillandhoney · 09/08/2020 19:36

If your ghoster told you ‘You’re a bit fat, wear too much makeup, you bore me to tears, and have the most annoying laugh. I never really fancied you but thought you’d do for a shag til I met someone hotter’.

Yeah, I would rather know that. Ghosting is hurtful, but at least that way I'd know they were a dick Grin

TatianaBis · 09/08/2020 19:39

@vanillandhoney

If your ghoster told you ‘You’re a bit fat, wear too much makeup, you bore me to tears, and have the most annoying laugh. I never really fancied you but thought you’d do for a shag til I met someone hotter’.

Yeah, I would rather know that. Ghosting is hurtful, but at least that way I'd know they were a dick Grin

You knew that already surely.