Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

[RangeTesKopeks]

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

Op, I think you're amazing. Well done for recognising your self worth and having the courage to say enoughs enough. I do hope your "friend" will take a good hard look at how she treats others in the future.

I think if she does come back to you, then just "I think we want different things out of a friendship and we've grown apart. Best Wishes."

She's in the wrong and sounds like a bit of a shit friend but you are being a bit dramatic.And that message is too "you did this, you did that". She has actually apologized and reached out. If you don't accept the applogy, say so and move on. A list of accusations for some of which she has already apologised does no one any good, what's the point?

Hi everyone, she’s now replied, saying a lot of what I’d said is a shock to her. She says she feels upset I accepted to be at her wedding if I felt that way about our friendship and says she feels betrayed and misled that I didn’t mention anything to her previously.

Thanks @AubergineMini

The friend’s added that she hopes I find happiness/fulfilment in relationships I’ve kept, and wishes me nothing but the best.

What is she in shock about, that she treated you like shit? She knew exactly what she was doing. Betrayed my arse, she’s trying to turn it into you 😡
Just cut her off now. Wish her well etc, etc...

I was going to against the grain and say you don't owe her a reply at all, but I see you sent the message. I'm glad you id if it gives you closure.

I see that she's made her response all about her and how betrayed and upset she feels and NO apology.

I would not block and delete her everywhere. Put her in the past and don't her any more free room in your head.

*I would now block and delete

Thanks @honeygirlz and @Longdistance

Her response shows not an ounce of self awareness .
She has only further shown herself to be self absorbed .

Do not reply. Radio silence from you.

You sound like a terrible friend - you've admitted she was stressed and ill last time you saw her. You seem to take that personally and now want to ditch her without any further contact. She needs your support not attitude. Lol - take it you haven't read the other thread.

Bit scary that this woman is a therapist and unsurprising that her friends bailed on the catch up. Maybe reply politely and say the bare minimum but don't reply to any second email.

^ whoops didn't RTFT

I've just read all of your 47 posts on your first thread (I can't sleep).

Your holiday to the lake district sounds odd, but you seem to have expected people to change their plans (e.g. walking routes, sharing a canoe) to suit you better? Which could come across as a bit self absorbed? If I went on a holiday with certain activities in mind, I wouldn't want to change my plans last minute to suit someone else. It sounds like your friend did try to include you from what you've written, though not sharing her avocado was odd. But yeah, it's a really odd thread, so odd it made me feel even more sleep deprived .

Anyway, it's okay to let friendships just burn out sometimes, not ghosting as such, but if two people mutually stop making the effort then the friendship has probably just run its course. I wouldn't have sent such a blaming message in response to hers, but then I'm not in your shoes (trainers or walking boots?), and obviously you know the negative feelings you get from this friend.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

"Thanks, but I'm done with the friendship. All the best."

That's what I would have sent, and then not replied after that. Long messages will just prolong and increase the drama.

After reading both threads I’m not surprised by her narcissistic response. Upon learning you feel poorly treated she immediately tried to turn it around to be you treating her poorly.

I think you made a good decision in deciding to distance yourself from her. It sounds like you’ve got some really wonderful friends and the contrast between their friendship with you and the way she treats you is glaring.

I think you did the right thing in telling her exactly how you felt, both for yourself and for her, even though she’d responded in such a childish manner.

This might sound silly, but I really cannot imagine a true friend refusing to share their avocados.

Ghosting her... so mature .
Such a long post for something with such a short answer : be honest . Tell her you don't wish to continue your friendship at the moment.

OP - I actually think it’s interesting that at the Lake District week the friend didn’t have any other solo female friends to invite AND everyone bailed on her catch up weekend.

People tend to have FOMO (fear of missing out) when younger so you often tend to accept any invitation just to feel included - even if they think they’re being treated quite poorly or like a “third tier friend”.

But after a while (as you have done)
others tend to gain in confidence and just get fed up with bossy controlling types. Theres nothing wrong with staying in or meeting new friends at any age - you dont need to be stuck with shit overcritical ones you have nothing in common with.

I think she put you in the role of “easy-going person who is a bit unsure and doesn’t have many other friends so she can dominate you slightly and look down on you”

and now she’s realised that a lot of people (you included) aren’t accepting her controlling behaviour she’s basically running out of people.

Well done on being assertive and setting boundaries Enjoy moving forward in life

I agree with AlrightTreacle. Your had unrealistic expectations. The much talked about trainers became a symbol of your lack of awareness for what the holiday would be. You went on an outdoors / walking holiday with people, who are very sporty and physically able when you are not then were upset when they wouldn’t all slow their pace to suit you and do things your way. You didn’t read the room well.

I know from your perspective she was pretty awful to you. And I agree she did but I don’t think it was all linear. Trying to look at it from their perspective, I wonder just how much awkwardness they felt being around someone, who was constantly wanting to change the holiday to something slow paced chilled out. They all seem to have known what they were signing up for. Why didn’t you?

They probably felt you constantly put yourself at odds with them, picking fault with the plans and wanting to change the entire dynamic. This created an atmosphere and you became upset that they didn’t make you feel welcome. Having found myself in similar sorts of situations and being an HSP myself (think you maybe are one too), I suspect you were giving off a very different vibe than the one you imagine. You made yourself the third wheel so to speak by not fitting in. I would be very interested to know how she felt about the situation. And perhaps you would think on that as you could learn a lot about yourself from it.

For me all of this was miscommunication from both sides and that is no more her fault than yours. I am not surprised she is struggling to understand what she did wrong. I expect she was actually pretty pissed off with you on that holiday. And tbh she did have reason to be.

It’s fine and great that you’ve found friends, who are a lot more similar to you and understand you so much better. However, it doesn’t mean this woman is a total bitch. It just means you’ve grown apart and neither of you gets the other anymore.

Do not reply. Radio silence from you.
But it's done, it's sorted. A simple 'best of luck" or a thumbs up emoji closes it down.

I'm with @Mummyoflittledragon and @AlrightTreacle - you went on a walking holiday with out the right gear, you wanted them to change all their planned routes, your friend said you could do your own thing but that wasn't good enough. I wouldn't have wanted to share a canoe or kayak as it isn't as much fun - again that was arranged before you went.... You would have done my head in on the holiday.
I think I would like your friend.

And if I got the text message you sent i would be . If you had a problem you should have said at the time.....it's not her fault if you didn't. Tbh I think you've done her a favour....

Good for you that you now have a friendship group of like minded friends.

I was dropped by my 2 closest friends. I know the reason for one of them and I can understand (it hurts but I get it). But I'm still so angry about the other one because I just don't know what happened and she literally just stopped responding to me. I've been left with so many unresolved thoughts that I'm still finding it difficult to understand.

Don't be an arsehole - tell her what happened and why you don't want to be friends with her so that she can change (if she wants to) in future friendships.

I agree with Mummyoflittledragon
I think your friend was very bossy and dismissive and didn’t include you enough on the holiday BUT you sounded quite needy, wanting things changed to suit you when you knew it was a walking holiday.

Reading all your replies on the first thread you mentioned not driving, unemployed, being unsure of new things and I don’t know if it’s how you intended but it came across like you are quite down on yourself. Try and find ways to build your confidence and saying no to things that you know you really won’t enjoy.

Also would like to know what your friends viewpoint was! You do sound unaware of how you might have changed the holiday for the others.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her. Imo, it's not coincidence that everyone else dropped out of the weekend. She's hard work. She's an adult now. Tell her why you find the friendship so problematic and why her behaviour that weekend was so off-putting.

How old is your friend? I feel a little bit of sympathy with her, as she has reached out to you and apologised. If she grew up in a home where sulks and strops and emotional manipulations and moodiness were normal she may not be at all aware of what she's inflicting on her friends, and needs to become aware to grow out of it.

But overall, do put your own emotional needs first. It is exhausting having to handle a friend delicately all the time. Friendship should be fun and mutually supportive.