MIL cutting DD’s hair - AIBU

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Just had another fight with DH. Over the years MIL just does what the hell she likes and I’m supposed to be okay with it. When DD was 2 she cut her fringe! She looked awful I’m sorry to use this word but she looked like a nerd! The fringe was so thick and so blunt. Everyone made comments when I took her to nursery. It’s taken YEARS to grow out and finally I can clip it back. DD went around last week and told me grandma said she’s going to cut my hair on Sunday (usual day DH and kids visit her) as it’s very hot. I just reminded DH as he was leaving please don’t let your mum cut her hair. It ended in another fight. He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair. I’m so sick of her treating me like my thoughts n opinions don’t matter. I told her after fringe cutting incident don’t cut her hair again and over years she’s trimmed her hair thinking I don’t realise. I rather a professional hairdresser cut her hair not my mil. My husbands reaction to the fringe at the time was “oh she looks so cute, like a Vulcan!”. Help me get some perspective please so I can not spiral out of control again. I do suffer depression so not sure if my thoughts are irrational.

Tell her outright, "do not cut her hair, not even a trim". There's no other way to deal with these sorts of people. If she cuts it's again then DD doesn't go there without you. If she cut an adult's hair without permission she could be charged with assault!

She's a weirdo and I wouldn't be allowing my daughter to visit if she kept cutting her hair!!!!!!

I’m so fed up of always being made to feel like I’m nothing. Little things add up like last week when my kids went there I just did my DD’s hair in a ponytail and she cane back with 2 plaits. She told me “grandma didn’t like my hairstyle”. I know these are little things but I’m always feeling like she’s undermining me.

She is undermining you. She’s riding roughshod all over your parenting and knows damn-well her son is too chicken shit to say anything. You may have to say something and also tell your DH he’s a useless husband if he puts his stupid mother‘s wishes before your wishes.

The plait thing is a non issue, but cutting hair is. Tell her straight don,t cut her hair.

Stop leaving her alone with MIL.

She isundermining you. Start showing her the same amount of respect she shows you – absolutely zero. Make sure she realises that if DD returns home with a different hairstyle or a haircut, that is the last time she will ever have her unsupervised. You need to start standing up for yourself. I know it’s difficult: I was in a similar situation many years ago with my MIL. Believe me, it’s worth it and very freeing when you start fighting back. No need to be aggressive… Just be firm.

Time for a long, hard talk with DH. Your MiL wouldn't be such a problem if he were on your side (where he should be) and not hers (which is where he is).

For whatever reason, be it that he's naturally a mummy's boy, or that she's trained him to do whatever she wants, he's not prepared to stand up to her, and on the face of it actually sees nothing wrong in what she does. And given that it sounds like she behaves like this regularly, either she always has to get her own way with everyone, or in this case that she's making sure you know your place as number two in your DH and DD's lives.

You shouldn't be putting up with this, whatever the fallout from standing up for yourself and DD might be. But start with DH. And I'd be keeping DD at home today, not letting her go to Granny's, and be very clear why.

It's going to be a bumpy road ahead, but stick to your guns. And if DH won't budge, then yes you really do have to ask yourself if you want to stay with him, to be treated like this by your MiL for a long time to come.

She's undermining you especially as she knows her darling son won't go against her !! You have a DH problem ...

As someone who, as a child, had parents who took great delight in giving me seriously shit haircuts and then teasing me for years after about how awful they looked, I honestly don't get the fascination that some people have with cutting kids' hair - especially when a) they are usually not their kids and b) they have no haircutting skills whatsoever! It's a child - not a doll to play with. It seems to be some kind of power thing. I just don't get it.

I'd be making it abundantly clear that if she touched your child's hair again then she would no longer see your DD without you present since you seem to be the only person who is standing up for your DD.

And btw - you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

My ex mil is like this. Her hearts in the right place, but she's a control freak. Even insisted on giving ds his first solid food, and other firsts, (that she already got to do with her own three kids, didn't care that she was robbing me of my one and only chance). I am getting better at saying no to her (and getting her to take it on board), but I wish I'd really put my foot down years ago. I'd make it clear if she cuts dd's hair again, she won't be back (and stick to it). Easier said than done I know, but this will just get worse as dd gets older.

She’s bang out of order. So’s your DH

She’s deliberately undermining you.
Reminds me of my MIL . I told her that I didn’t want dd ( who was then a newborn) to wear pink clothing.
Cue, MIL going shopping that same day and returning with a bagful of pink baby clothes.
Dd didn’t wear any of it and I donated it to a charity shop.

She is undermining you, but your DH is letting her.

She wouldn't do it if he didn't allow it.

I wouldn’t let my dd go to her house without me If I were you.

I'd be tempted to go round MIL's house with scissors and give MIL a taste of her own medicine. See how she likes getting her hair cut into a Vulcan style with no right to object! Remind her she is not the child's mother and may not make these decisions without your consent. Cheeky mare.

How old is your DD? What happens if your DD doesn’t want her hair cut does MIL still get her own way?

I assume she just doesn’t do this with hair but tries to undermine you in other ways

Thank you all! It’s really helped posting about this as he makes me feel I’m overreacting and it’s just hair! I’m going for a walk now to clear my head. They’ve already gone to his mums, so I’ve got a few hours to myself. Thank you again for your support x

If she can’t respect what you say, then she can no longer have DD

My Nan cut my dd’s hair. Once. I went mad, my dh went mad, even my nans hairdressers who she goes to once a week went mad.

It was so wonky and crooked it looked awful.

She never did it again

Not saying she shouldn't see her btw, but you could take her out places together, the beach, park, lunch etc, or have mil over to yours to see her instead (invite her over for dinner?).

I had the same scenario, MIL knew best and DH was unable to say no to her or if he did chose the wrong moments and made a mountain out of a molehill from which he then had to climb down. She loved the children and they loved her which was the important thing but she showed me very little respect which at times was very hard to take.

Haircuts are very much a parent's prerogative. Foster carers aren't allowed to cut children's hair without the parents' permission. And your MIL isn't in loco parentis in any way.

I would text or call her and say ‘do not cut dds hair’

I'd be livid at DH for not supporting me.
I'd also call now or else it'll be festering and ruining your afternoon.
Call, speak to her and tell her she is in no way to touch dd's hair.

I wouldn’t let her go round if she can’t do as she’s asked.