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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL cutting DD’s hair - AIBU

109 replies

Verity35 · 09/08/2020 12:34

Just had another fight with DH. Over the years MIL just does what the hell she likes and I’m supposed to be okay with it. When DD was 2 she cut her fringe! She looked awful I’m sorry to use this word but she looked like a nerd! The fringe was so thick and so blunt. Everyone made comments when I took her to nursery. It’s taken YEARS to grow out and finally I can clip it back. DD went around last week and told me grandma said she’s going to cut my hair on Sunday (usual day DH and kids visit her) as it’s very hot. I just reminded DH as he was leaving please don’t let your mum cut her hair. It ended in another fight. He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair. I’m so sick of her treating me like my thoughts n opinions don’t matter. I told her after fringe cutting incident don’t cut her hair again and over years she’s trimmed her hair thinking I don’t realise. I rather a professional hairdresser cut her hair not my mil. My husbands reaction to the fringe at the time was “oh she looks so cute, like a Vulcan!”. Help me get some perspective please so I can not spiral out of control again. I do suffer depression so not sure if my thoughts are irrational.

OP posts:

MumW · 09/08/2020 13:34

Cut your DH hair while he's asleep and when he wakes up and asks why he looks like a pillock, tell him it's no big deal, he looks like a Vulcan. It's cute.
🤣🤣🤣🤣

piscean10 · 09/08/2020 13:37

Yanbu. I would be furious. Your dd has two parents not three! who gives a damn what her opinion on anything is.
Your husband doesn't respect you and he has given his mother permission not to as well.
Tell her directly that she is disrespecting you and you are not going to accept it.

MumW · 09/08/2020 13:37

Even as a mother, at 5, I would ask DD what hairstyle they wanted. It's about teaching our DD's that they have autonomy over their own body.

SeaToSki · 09/08/2020 13:39

If DD is old enough I would tell her that on this one issue only, Nana is being very naughty and that if she tries to cut her hair that DD can cry and scream and shout no dont touch me, I dont want my hair cut.

Then call MIL and tell her that you dont not want her to touch DD hair in the slightest, not to brush it or cut it. And that you have given DD to scream and shout if her Nan tries anything on with her hair.

Then tell DH what you have told them both.

howfarwevecome · 09/08/2020 13:39

Your MIL is bang out of order for thinking it's her right to cut your child's hair, especially when you have specifically told her not to.

Your DH is a twat for not backing you and fighting with you about it rather than telling his mother to wind her neck in and put down the scissors.

As for threatening nonsupervised contact going forward, unfortunately that means you would have to go, too, every time, as your DH has proved spineless when it comes to his mother.

Ilovesandwiches · 09/08/2020 13:40

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. You are her mother and it is definitely more your right to chose who cuts her hair than your MILs.

Tolleshunt · 09/08/2020 13:41

I have a feeling the odds are high that Mummy’s Boy will return with DD sporting a new do.

Have you worked out what you’re going to do and say if he does?

Lilymossflower · 09/08/2020 13:41

Personally in this situation I would cancel all there visits to MILS house

It's unacceptable, but in her kind she has 'rights' to do so just cause she wants to. She will keep doing it even if you tell her not.

Gazelda · 09/08/2020 13:47

Just out of curiosity OP, does MIL have any daughters? Is she seeing your DD as her chance to fill a mummy/daughter gap?

rebecca102 · 09/08/2020 13:48

Omfg. Yanb!! I would never be okay with this or anyone cutting my daughters hair and I would make is very clear.

helloareyouthere · 09/08/2020 13:48

Cutting the hair is just wrong, unless you have said she can.

Please try to separate it from the ponytail to plaits thing., That is no big deal. Lots of people like playing with hair or having their hair done. Lots of primates (and we are primates) groom to social bond. It MIL likes it and you dd likes it, its a nice thing for them to do together.

If you try to bring the plaits thing along side our argument about the hair cutting thing you will look a bit bonkers and undermine your case.

Make clear that cutting is not ok. But as a compromise you could say that dressing DD hair is ok.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/08/2020 13:49

My ex mil was a hairdresser back in the day so she often cuts the kids hair and she knows I'm fine with it generally even though she's not done it as a job for over 40 years so she'sa bit rusty. However she always asks me, even if it's just a trim, because she knows that it's not up to her what hairstyles my kids have. DS (5) is growing his currently into some kind of surfer dude look. It's very inbetween and hanging in his eyes and is very frustrating and ex-mil said "shall I just do his fringe?" I said no because he's growing it out and she hasn't touched it.

Your MIL otoh doesn't respect you as a parent and thinks she knows best.

TorgosPizza · 09/08/2020 13:51

I'd be furious. Even if your husband thinks the haircuts aren't a problem, he should respect that you have at least as much right to an opinion as he does. If you're not in agreement, it's not okay for him to just overrule you! He's being a jerk, and I'm willing to bet this isn't the only problem with him...

As for your MIL, it's massively disrespectful for her to cut your child's hair without your explicit permission. Yes, hair grows, but it also takes time, and it's not her place to make those kinds of decisions.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 09/08/2020 13:52

The PP is right saying he’d rather upset you than upset MIL

I agree and I agree with PP that you'l have to stop her going there alone and get your DH on the same page as you.

I had years of undermining - then we got to a better place and MIL occaionally had kids and then she cut the fringe ridiculously short on one of them - everyone told her it looked awful including the upset child

I think she expected me to go mad but I'd had years of actually dealing with her power games and calling her out when needed and as everyone else had said how naff it was I shrugged . I think she expected an OTT reaction from me and was disppointed.

It has been remembered a few times so it's sort of a family joke now - to extent FIL wouldn't let her near his hair in lockdown.

SockYarn · 09/08/2020 13:53

He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair.

So the child's father is fine with his mother cutting hair.The daughter doesn't seem to have expressed an opinion one way or the other. But because the mother has decided it's not happening, her wishes trump the wishes of everyone else involved?

Sounds fair.

Tlollj · 09/08/2020 13:55

I’d be so cross. My mil was bad enough she took my eldest to the hairdresser without asking and I was furious then.
I like pp suggestion if cutting a chunk out of DH’s hair while he’s asleep see what he says to that.
I would stop visits if she can’t keep her hands to herself.
Does she have a daughter? What colour is it?

JaffaCake70 · 09/08/2020 13:58

I wouldn't mind her plaiting the hair but I'd draw the line at cutting. I'm an ex hairdresser and I do trim my GD's hair, but I would NEVER do it without being asked. Also, your Husband is an absolute arse for not confronting her about this issue. I would say "stop cutting her hair or else she won't be coming to visit you anymore!".

romeolovedjulliet · 09/08/2020 14:01

@MumW

Cut your DH hair while he's asleep and when he wakes up and asks why he looks like a pillock, tell him it's no big deal, he looks like a Vulcan. It's cute. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

or you could ask his dm to cut his hair for a change, bet he'd say no then. wtfis cute about a vulcan hair style ??

NearlyGranny · 09/08/2020 14:02

SockYarn, I see it as more of a case where everybody (both parents and the child, too, if old enough) has to agree before the action takes place. It's not as if a haircut is urgent or vital, like a trip to A&E, is it? It can just not happen until everyone ha been consulted and is happy with the plan.

MiL is way out of line here and OP's DH should just say no, not until DM gives her approval, not wave the green flag.

StaffAssociationRepresentative · 09/08/2020 14:02

@SockYarn

He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair.

Sounds fair.

There seem to be so many MILs who do not seem to understand that they are not the parent to the grandchild. I really don’t understand why they take it upon themselves to do such stuff.

I have told my daughter to set boundaries early and to watch how any potential MIL interacts with family. Hopefully she will find someone normal and not some matriarchal nutjob.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 09/08/2020 14:03

@SockYarn

He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair.

Sounds fair.

Because the last time she cut her hair badly causing people to comment?

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 09/08/2020 14:05

MIl didn't ask either of us - DH or me and didn't give the child an option.

If she asked the kids now and went to hairdressers as long as style didn't break school rules so they didn't end up with trouble attending school - I wouldn't be bothered.

Back then if DH had said yes - even if it had turned out terrible I'd have thought it a none issue.

I suspect though this is one of many undermining issues - in my case it was and couldn't turn blind eye as some were safety issues though most could sound petty but were part of the same pattern of behavior.

Arthersleep · 09/08/2020 14:08

You absolutely put your foot down and tell her direct. It is wholly disrespectful. My mother is like that. She just has no boundaries. She once woke my four year old up to see if Father Xmas had been and then let him start opening all his presents. When I got upset as I had missed his reaction, she was cross at me for ruining her day. Then last year she looked after my dog for a week. I returned from holiday to find that she had taken him to the groomers and had it totally clipped because it would be easier for her to clean up after him that way. He had never been clipped, didn't go to the groomers and had lovely long hair (a spaniel). He looked like a rat! She will never understand boundaries and is self absorbed. So I provide her with less opportunity. Don't get your DH tell her. You tell her your self. Or better still, just do not send her there. Cancel.

NearlyGranny · 09/08/2020 14:16

If I were minding a child for my DiL and their hair was all over the place, I'd offer to brush it and tie it back but back right off if told no. This actually happened recently and I didn't persist, even though the hair (v.long) was tangling and getting in the way of play. I wouldn't have dreamed of insisting, even on a brushing.

Had the child been too young to give a yes or no, I'd have got the brush out and offered, watching the body language. A toddler can soon show you what they do and don't want. Only parents and primary carers get to override in cases like this.

Sunrise234 · 09/08/2020 14:18

A hair cut is such a trivial thing compared to something like getting her ears pierced and it would not bother me if other people commented on my DDs hairstyle.
But it would bother me that she is ignoring what you are asking! I don’t think YABU to want to take your DD to the hairdressers instead and I don’t think YABU to your MIL in any way by asking her not to do it.

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