MIL cutting DD’s hair - AIBU

[Verity35]

Just had another fight with DH. Over the years MIL just does what the hell she likes and I’m supposed to be okay with it. When DD was 2 she cut her fringe! She looked awful I’m sorry to use this word but she looked like a nerd! The fringe was so thick and so blunt. Everyone made comments when I took her to nursery. It’s taken YEARS to grow out and finally I can clip it back. DD went around last week and told me grandma said she’s going to cut my hair on Sunday (usual day DH and kids visit her) as it’s very hot. I just reminded DH as he was leaving please don’t let your mum cut her hair. It ended in another fight. He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair. I’m so sick of her treating me like my thoughts n opinions don’t matter. I told her after fringe cutting incident don’t cut her hair again and over years she’s trimmed her hair thinking I don’t realise. I rather a professional hairdresser cut her hair not my mil. My husbands reaction to the fringe at the time was “oh she looks so cute, like a Vulcan!”. Help me get some perspective please so I can not spiral out of control again. I do suffer depression so not sure if my thoughts are irrational.

If DH won’t support you then you must talk to MIL.

I'd be ringing or texting DH and saying, just be aware, if DD comes back with her hair at all different from what it was when you took her there, MIL won't be seeing her for four weeks.

Next time it will be eight.

Next time. . .

You want to see over-reaction mate? Hold my beer. . .

You should take them on - and I use them deliberately. MIL is really overstepping the mark and putting you in your place - below her and below her beloved son.
Why are the DCs going to visit?
I would give her a loud bollocking in front of everyone, even the kids. This will reeeallly take them aback and DH and MIL might be more respectful - You are behaving like a wooss, you probably think you are being pleasant and polite but they are just taking the piss.
He is NOT on your side. You need to shake them up.

You have a husband problem here.

YANBU - this would really get my goat!

My sister has a MIL like this. It has made her life absolute hell. Her husband is weak and never stands up to his mother. You have to stop this right now or it will only get worse. Phone her up and tell her in no uncertain terms not to do it again. I would actually not let your daughter visit without you there at all. Your OH needs to sort out his attitude or your marriage will be really affected.

Cutting his hair into a blunt fringe while sleeping is genius.

My bet is that she will come back with another awful haircut today. I think you need to have strong words with her.

I don't get why a father's decision to allow his mother to cut her hair trumps yours. ?

He is an equal parent to you. He has an equal right to make decisions like this (in law !)

However IF YOU really don't want it then you need to go with them and state your case.

As for all the 'she wouldn't be visiting again' stuff.. how does that work . Does the father have no say in where he goes or what he allows his daughter to do ?

If my husband turned round to me and said your mum gives them sweets .. I don't like that, I forbid you to take them to see their grandmother again , he would be told to FOTTFSOFAFOSM !!

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel if your DM undermined your DH’s wishes what would you do?

@SockYarn

He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair.

So the child's father is fine with his mother cutting hair.The daughter doesn't seem to have expressed an opinion one way or the other. But because the mother has decided it's not happening, her wishes trump the wishes of everyone else involved?

Sounds fair.

That’s a ridiculous comment. Ops dh is a mummy’s boy and doesn’t care about hair and mil wants to exert her control.

But hey that’s fair. Op should put up and shut up

I would not allow my parent to go against my child's other parent's wishes.

I would also not accept my child's other parent to go against mine.

So if he did, I'd make it very difficult for them to do so again. Generally, given what type of a person this kind of father seems to be, I imagine being up at a decent time, packing a lunch, and buggering off to the park for the day, so they can go spend quality time on their own with Mummy, ought to do it.

My child's other parent's parent, that is to say.

DH, is your problem not mil. I couldn't be with a man who thought so little of my role as mother of his child.
You're a bloody fool for putting up with it for this long.
Mine wouldn't be going again, I'm afraid and spineless dh would be an ex spineless dh.

How old is the DD? At around 4 or 5, my daughters started to express their own opinions abut how they wanted their hair cut. DD2 preferred hers short and DD1, long. DD1 has a fringe, DD2 hates having a fringe. I make sure their hair is washed, brushed and tied up for school, but beyond that, I let them choose their own styles.

You are not being unreasonable, she’s one crazy MIL. How dare she, I’d be fuming.

That is bang {no pun intended} out of order.
I had to look up ''Vulcan fringe''..and it is indeed nerdy.

NO ONE should cut your daughter's hair without your and her say so.

My MIL used to give our DS a side parting, and hated his thick, wavy blonde locks...She'd have loved him to have had a hairstyle like the Royal children circa 1960 😂

@Nikori

How old is the DD? At around 4 or 5, my daughters started to express their own opinions abut how they wanted their hair cut. DD2 preferred hers short and DD1, long. DD1 has a fringe, DD2 hates having a fringe. I make sure their hair is washed, brushed and tied up for school, but beyond that, I let them choose their own styles.

What does any of that have to do with op’s mil cutting her dd’s hair, against her wishes?

I would be fuming about that - especially as a fringe takes so long to grow out. I'd be having conversations around the fact that if she can't be trusted not to trim her hair then she won't be able to visit.

I would have called her and said she is not to cut DDs hair and if she does... I will be going over there to cut MILs hair myself.

I’d not send DD round again without being present. As DH seems to be a wuss and not sticking up to his mum then it’s up to you to do it.

@Verity35 I agree with @MiniCooperLover - you have a DH problem. He needs to stand up for your views and have your back. MIL is not your primary problem, him not being in your corner is.

As for the hair, I'd just say "no more MIL visits, ever, until she apologises for this".

Cutting the hair without your express permission and encouragement is very bad, both from MIL and DH. The plait thing....well I wouldn't think twice about a change of hairstyle as that could just be a fun thing to do, but to say to the child that it is because the GM 'didn't like her hairstyle' that you had done....that is hugely different and a big red flag.

What does any of that have to do with op’s mil cutting her dd’s hair, against her wishes?

It was in response to a PP who posted that the DH had as much right to choose the DD's hairstyle as the Op does. I think it's down to what the daughter wants. If she wants granny to cut her a vulcan fringe then that's ok, if she wants to grow her fringe out like the Op does, then that's ok too. What the daughter wants needs to be taken into consideration. 🤷‍♀️

If she comes back with her hair cut, I think I’d tell dh he’s never going there without you again.

On the plus side the French Bob is in and some fringes can be really short. Perhaps you should give your mil your own version of the style.