MIL cutting DD’s hair - AIBU

[Verity35]

Just had another fight with DH. Over the years MIL just does what the hell she likes and I’m supposed to be okay with it. When DD was 2 she cut her fringe! She looked awful I’m sorry to use this word but she looked like a nerd! The fringe was so thick and so blunt. Everyone made comments when I took her to nursery. It’s taken YEARS to grow out and finally I can clip it back. DD went around last week and told me grandma said she’s going to cut my hair on Sunday (usual day DH and kids visit her) as it’s very hot. I just reminded DH as he was leaving please don’t let your mum cut her hair. It ended in another fight. He doesn’t think it’s anything wrong with his mum cutting her hair. I’m so sick of her treating me like my thoughts n opinions don’t matter. I told her after fringe cutting incident don’t cut her hair again and over years she’s trimmed her hair thinking I don’t realise. I rather a professional hairdresser cut her hair not my mil. My husbands reaction to the fringe at the time was “oh she looks so cute, like a Vulcan!”. Help me get some perspective please so I can not spiral out of control again. I do suffer depression so not sure if my thoughts are irrational.

Your DH is the problem here, as I’m sure you know.

My MIL was not dissimilar to yours. If I said no to sweets before dinner she’d say to DD “ooh she’s a wicked mother!”
DH was useless. In the end after another wicked mother comment I gathered up DD and left. That helped for a while.
The biggest issue was an umbrella buggy I had down there, she’d wheel DD to the shop in it and the child was about 4 at the time. I’d asked her repeatedly to stop but she didn’t. One evening she was watching DD and we drove through her village. There she was happily pushing her along in the damn buggy. When I went to collect DD later I pulled a pair of scissors out of my handbag and cut the thing clean in half.

What I’m saying is, stand up for yourself. Send the woman a text saying “do not cut her hair”. You need to make enough of a fuss that DH eventually wants to keep the peace and deals with his mother.

Cut your DH hair while he's asleep and when he wakes up and asks why he looks like a pillock, tell him it's no big deal, he looks like a Vulcan. It's cute.

You're definitely not over reacting. Seems to me that your husband thinks she would kick up a bigger fuss than you so he would rather upset you for an easy life.

My ex MIL almost took my ds for his first haircut without me there but the lovely hairdresser insisted on calling me to make sure I was ok with it! She was very annoyed when I said no so took him for his first shoes instead.. he was barely crawling! X

@AdobeWanKenobi I like your style!

I wouldn't let her anywhere near DD.

That’s stepping way over the line. I’m a granny who does a lot of childcare for the DGC and it would never occur to me to do this.
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Your DH is the biggest problem here, he is your DD parent and doesnt care if his mother cuts her hair hence she does it. You should be putting your foot down with him. Why have you let him simply take your DC knowing your MIL plans to cut her hair? I dont understand as you know she will return with her haircut and the only person raging will be you as your DH doesnt give a shit about your throughts or feelings on the matter

I would be incredibly angry and I would definitely not allow her to visit grandma alone again, ever. And I would tell my husband that his lack of support of me had undermined our relationship.

I wouldn't let her go. Is she likely to cut it today? My rage would be off the charts if this was my MIL. Your DH sounds pathetic tbh.

How old is DD? Is she of an age to say No? If she is and does and MIL still cuts her hair then she is stopping you DD from having any autonomy which would be a big issue for me - bigger than her not listening to me. Point out to DH that his mother is teacher your daughter that she doesn't get a say over what happens to her own body which is not good as she grows.

It’s not an over reaction of you’ve said no, and he ignores that. The PP is right saying he’d rather upset you than upset MIL

So keep MIL out of arguments and state
I’m upset because you ignored my instructions
I’m angry that you didn’t listen to me
I’m pissed off that again you went against my wishes

As she’s now presumably school age, have you tried telling your DH that she may be picked on by other children because of his mother’s haircuts?

I’d be banning dd from visiting the old bag Mil. Tell her and your husband you can only protect your daughter by implementing this harsh and unusual rule, but seeing as they both chose to ignore your requests, it’s the only way you can rub along. Then I’d be having a huge falling out with DH gir nit defending you and dd.

@june2007

The plait thing is a non issue, but cutting hair is. Tell her straight don,t cut her hair.

I agree with this.

It’s bad enough for Gp to take dc to hairdressers to get dcs hair cut, but even worse doing it themselves.

Your thoughts are not irrational.

Keep us updated whether she comes back shorn or not.

@Verity35

I’m so fed up of always being made to feel like I’m nothing. Little things add up like last week when my kids went there I just did my DD’s hair in a ponytail and she cane back with 2 plaits. She told me “grandma didn’t like my hairstyle”. I know these are little things but I’m always feeling like she’s undermining me.

Oh. This isn’t on at all.

Honestly I’d tell your dh she’s not going anymore

Tell her directly. If she ignores you, cut all visits in future.

No she absolutely shouldn't be cutting your DDs hair without your permission. This is so out of order. Your DH is at fault for not telling her straight. I think when grandparents do this they are trying to exert control. Not on.

The plait thing is a prelude to cutting the hair. It’s actually really important. She is letting your child know that mil also has ownership of her hair.

If I don’t like it- I’ll change it
If I think it’s too long- I’ll cut it.

So if OP in the future tells the Dd that nanna dd is going to be confused and conflicted as nana always does hair..

YANBU! I couldn’t have let her go. Why is she so bothered about your DD’s hair?

@AuntyPasta

Your DH is the problem here, as I’m sure you know.

I'm guessing that he can't/won't say no to his mum.

I mean if he's OK with his mum trimming his daughter's hair whilst there then there's no issue, is there.

With the plait-I think that that was also an issue.

One thing doing plaits if GD has asked.

Another to randomly change the hairstyle more to your own liking.

Definitely a DH problem as well as a MIL problem.

Tell MIL that if she touches your DC's hair or ignores any more of your parenting decisions then she won't be seeing DC again.
Tell DH that if he doesn't back you up and lets MIL cut her hair or go against any of your decisions then he WON'T be taking DC to MIL's. and then LTB

Point out that stupid haircuts will lead to bullying at school.

DD is also old enough to understand what Granny can't do. Teach her to say "Mummy says your not to cut my hair/go in a car without a car seat/or whatever she has form for".
However, I'd be choosing my battles carefully and may over look Granny gave me sweets before dinner etc.

Tell your DH if MIL is such a good hairdresser Then she can cut DHs hair

Why is she so bothered about your DD’s hair?

Power and control.

If it were my DD she would not have gone back after the first time