To think when you go out to a restaurant you should pay for your own meal?

[Kelcat9494]

Hello,

I think I'm just a bit annoyed, last night we went out as a family of seven (in laws and DH grandma) as it was her birthday, as I've been very poorly with sickness my husband and I shared everything whilst everyone else got their own meal, the bill came to £110ish and we decided to chip in for grandma as it was her birthday so per couple it was £37.00 - I didn't think much of it last night as I got really sick but I worked out that our meal only cost £21.55 which meant we spend £15.45 on grandma while the other two couples only spent an extra £1, I just think we should have paid for our own and then spilt grandmas bill between the three couples. I don't mind paying for her of course but it just doesn't seem very fair.

I think I'm just bitter because I barely ate anything haha just needed a moan

My sil and bil who I dread eating out with take out their phone calculator and add up what they've eaten and just pay that, it's just embarrassing sitting there as they take ages doing it, discussing it, checking and re checking

I agree with this^ it’s so embarrassing when people do it.

Split the bill equally and stop being tight. It’s £15 not £150.

@BluebellForest836

My sil and bil who I dread eating out with take out their phone calculator and add up what they've eaten and just pay that, it's just embarrassing sitting there as they take ages doing it, discussing it, checking and re checking

I agree with this^ it’s so embarrassing when people do it.

Split the bill equally and stop being tight. It’s £15 not £150.

We don't do that and have never done that, I have never been tight with my money. I've spend £6000 on my family and wouldn't mind doing the same for husbands family but don't say we're splitting things evenly and fairly when we're not 🤷‍♀️ it's whatever, but I don't think the other two couples would have been happy if they paid £15 extra and we only paid a £1 - it's principle sometimes.

If you had that much of a problem with it then you should it said something at the time. Don’t be a wet lettuce and go along with it. Moaning over £15 is pathetic.

I think in these situations the onus is on those ordering more expensive food / drinks to point that out at the end and contribute more accordingly. That's what my friendship group tends to do anyway. I would have expected someone at the table in this instance to say 'but OP and her H shared a meal so it shouldn't be as much for them...'

I prefer separate bills. If it’s someone’s birthday, for example, the only bill you split is theirs if you have agreed to treat them. It becomes really unfair otherwise. Some people drink & I don’t agree that those on soft drinks should finance all the alcohol too. Also people like different amounts to eat. I’m a lightweight & can rarely manage more than one course.

You should have spoken up at the time

Thank goodness that you did NOT start negotiating the bill in front of DH’s grandma. That would have been utterly graceless and uncomfortable for her.

When you go out for someone’s birthday it is to spend time with them and honour them, not to start haggling over your contribution to her meal.

I’m not rich, and like things to be nice and fair, in a relaxed way, fine to agree a system in advance, or for someone to settle up and then bill the others accordingly, but please, no horse trading in front of the birthday person!

You said you went with two sets of in-laws? So the other couples are actually your and your DH's parents? Is it really that much of a problem that they paid less? They are your parents. I know I wouldn't begrudge that.

@MandalaYogaTapestry

You said you went with two sets of in-laws? So the other couples are actually your and your DH's parents? Is it really that much of a problem that they paid less? They are your parents. I know I wouldn't begrudge that.

No, none of them were my parents - it was MIL & BIL

@suggestionsplease1. I agree... Although I always assume we're going to split the bill even if I've had a lot less, I'd always point out if someone else was in that position because I'd hate them to go home feeling taken advantage of. Whereas I wouldn't feel like that, I'd just think "That's life". But that's probably because mostly when we eat out it's with the same groups of friends (all equally piggy!) so things tend to even out anyway. And they're always very generous about having us over/bringing presents when they come to ours. But I can see that if your BIL/SIL are normally tightwads that splitting the bill would rankle.

Imo anyone who's not happy to split the bill should ask for their meals to be on a separate order at the time of ordering.

It's a bit much to whinge about it afterwards and people who want to calculate the exact cost of what they had after the event are a pain.

@Reluctantcavedweller what a terrible post!

You will only lunch out with people who eat and drink their way through the menu so you don’t feel guilty at your own choices?

Good grief that’s awful

Heaven forbid a friend of yours should not have much appetite/have a big meal planned the next day and so fancy something lighter/be a small eater or you know, just not like to cram themselves full of three courses every time they fancy eating out

@MandalaYogaTapestry

You said you went with two sets of in-laws? So the other couples are actually your and your DH's parents? Is it really that much of a problem that they paid less? They are your parents. I know I wouldn't begrudge that.

Also not everyone's parents are the same, with how we're treated from my parents and DHs parents - I'd happily pay for my parents meals, people are in different financial positions and people act differently with money to be honest if we went out with my dad, he would have just paid for us 😂. It's more principle at the moment, I don't like anyone saying something fair and even when it's not. I'd rather just call a spade a spade

@LakieLady

Imo anyone who's not happy to split the bill should ask for their meals to be on a separate order at the time of ordering.

It's a bit much to whinge about it afterwards and people who want to calculate the exact cost of what they had after the event are a pain.

Usually we pay for our own, I'm not bothered about splitting the bill if it's fairly even.

I haven't mentioned any of this to the people we went out with and I don't intent to, I just only had a look because £40 seems a bit much for a curry. I was just having a moan at being out of pocket, it's whatever.

Whenever eating out with different groups of friends, we've always gone down the route of "chuck in what you think you owe, plus a bit for a tip" at the end. We've always had enough. There's no need for awkwardness, or time consuming calculations to the penny.

Only time this has been an issue is on a work do once, when one of the middle managers tried to get everyone to pay an even split. I said we should just all put in what we think we owed. He kept insisting that it wouldn't work and we would be short. But I kept saying no because it wasn't fair on people who had spent less. So we tried my way and it was fine. Afterwards, one of the admin assistants came up to me extremely grateful, because she could only afford to pay for what she had eaten and the spit bill would have been double what she actually spent. The next day the manager brought it up with me. I told him that I would do the same again, and that I had been privately thanked afterwads, and why (didn't say who, obviously). He was shocked and said it had never even crossed his mind that people might not be able to afford it. He was a single, 30-ish, high salary and hadn't registered that some colleagues might be on a much stricter budget, but who didn't want to miss out on a rare office outing.

@Shedpaint. Like I said, it's a question of expectations! It's not that I'd never go out with them but that I'd do different things (coffee, light cafe lunch, picnic). But as I've freely admitted, my friends and I enjoy our food (perhaps too much!) and a restaurant lunch out for a birthday equals an indulgent treat! We'd feel a bit odd watching someone nurse a glass of tap water the whole time.

YANBU. As a poor student, I went out for a meal with my very well off middle class flatmates to an expensive (for me) restaurant that I couldn't afford, so I ordered very little. They split the bill like this and I ended up paying 30 quid at least when what I ordered only came to £9. No warning beforehand, and coming from a poor area, rarely eating out, I'd never even heard of people splitting the bill in this way because it's just so unfair and doesn't make sense. Something similar happened a couple of year's after this with a big family meal with DP's family, arranged by a well off aunt who didn't care that half the family were poor, disabled, on benefits, etc. It ended in an argument and we paid an obscene amount and paid for some of DP's immediate family just so we could go home.

The people who want to do this are always the more well of people as well. They really need to speak up in advance and organise it properly else people aren't really given a choice, you can't speak up at the end because it would be rude, but it's really difficult if you weren't expecting it. Choosing to pay for someone's meal, which we happily do whenever we can for certain family members, is completely different to not being given a choice to split the bill in a nonsensical way.

I'm a teetotal veggie, splitting the bill didn't bother me till cocktails became available everywhere and found I was regularly paying £15-20 extra on every meal out. A one off is fine but not when it's a couple of times a month (obviously not during covid). A lot of restaurants and pubs have the technology to split a bill out automatically for you, so no awkward tallying up with calculators needed, it's easy to check with the server at the start. Appreciate this doesn't help OP , just thought I'd mention it in case it helps someone

[quote Reluctantcavedweller]@Shedpaint. Like I said, it's a question of expectations! It's not that I'd never go out with them but that I'd do different things (coffee, light cafe lunch, picnic). But as I've freely admitted, my friends and I enjoy our food (perhaps too much!) and a restaurant lunch out for a birthday equals an indulgent treat! We'd feel a bit odd watching someone nurse a glass of tap water the whole time.[/quote]
Nothing to do with expeditions in this case, I got unwell on the way 🤷‍♀️

If we all had a meal each like we would have normally I wouldn't have thought twice about splitting the bill even if we were out of pocket but I don't agree with saying things are spilt evenly and fair if they're not.

I dont know what people mean by order separately so you get a different bill. All you need to do is mentally add up what your part of the bill is and put your money on the table at the end and say that's your part of the bill. Or when she brings the bill ask to pay your part by card and tell her how much. Most people do this when I've been out with groups Noone splits the bill anymore do they? I havent known anyone to split the bill for about 20 years.

I had a painful experience once when I was 16 and went out for a work mates bday striatum after work... these were the days where I only had cash and no debit card- was a waitress and paid cash in hand and tips... I had £10 on me so got a starter and a drink../ they split the bill was about £35 and I didn’t have the extra money... luckily someone opposite me noticed how red I went and covered my cost!!!

Expectations**

There is a fair way to sort it but requires people to be confident with a bit of maths...
Bill arrives - We'll split it/Pay for what you had argument...

1. Those who have kept track, probably spent less pay for what they had.
2. Then whatever left divided by those who want to split the bill.

Obviously easier socially to sort this out beforehand but this method gives everyone what they want and no-one taking advantage.

@Kelcat9494. Yes, and as I've said in your case, I'd definitely have offered for you to pay less. In fact, given you were so unwell, I'd probably have paid for the both of you altogether (assuming I could afford it). One time when pregnant I was a bit unwell and did had to leave early. I asked a friend to pay for me, but when I offered to pay back she wouldn't hear of it and said they'd all agreed to split my share as a nice gesture since I was having a miserable pregnancy.

So actually, having come in all guns blazing and said YABU, I do think you have a point. Whereas among my friends splitting is the norm, they don't take advantage of people. And it does sound like you were a little taken advantage of.

In my experience when everyone" pays for what they had" there is always a shortfall in the amount required to pay the actual bill!!!

I was a bit irritated when I went out for a birthday meal last week. And the other two people there decided we'd split the bill three ways to cover the birthday persons a meal. I wouldn't have minded had I been pre warned. But as they didn't tell
Me until the bill came I couldn't disagree without looking mean.