To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

Do you know it was the furthest thing away from what I wanted but it was the best day of my life because I met my baby. And I think that's what we have to focus on because birth is so unpredictable. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted but you have your child and you had a team of people ready to get that baby to you and keep you safe no matter what. What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking

This /...A thousand times this.

We are so lucky in the West.. What happens to women in less medically 'advanced' regions is appalling.
Dreadful mortality rates of mothers and babies.

It's your choice, so ultimately should be respected I'd be annoyed too.
For me though it's totally the opposite though, didn't care about husband looking "down there", I was too busy pushing to notice or care who was looking lol.
Dehumanising? How so? Surely one of the most "human" things a body can do

Fucking hell, yanbu and some of the attitudes on here about women's bodies are atrocious.

My DS birth was horrendous, my wishes were dismissed by one senior doctor and then advocated for (fiercely!) by my DM, and magically, my wishes were respected. If I hadnt had her to advocate for me then I imagine I would have been pushed towards an outcome that would have caused a not insubstantial amount of trauma.

Labouring women do not deserve to be dismissed literally as they labour by the people who should be looking after them!

@Sexnotgender

I think it's a big moment for a dad too and what is the harm in him looking?

Because it’s the woman’s body and she gets final say as to who looks at what! It’s not a bloody spectator sport.

This! A doctor over riding a woman's wishes when it comes to her body and her pain to allow a man what he wanted.

@oakleaffy what on earth has this got to do with not having the ‘perfect dream’ birth??

We are talking about a scenario where it is really easy to respect a woman’s wishes, consent and autonomy without effecting the birth at all.

A woman saying a basic request was ignored and it contributed to her trauma, made her feel more violated is NOT her upset she didn’t get a ‘dream birth’ what a sexist attitude

@FrootTheLoot

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?

Would you say

'so does your self confidence trump his right to have sex?'

'so does your right to body autonomy trump his right to have a say in whether you have a termination?'.

'so does your self confidence trump his right to see you naked?'.

THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES. He does not have a right to see anything. What is this magic right that he apparently has? She doesn't even need to allow him in the room at all if she doesn't want. Men do not have a right to view their wives, partners, exes whoever, delivering their babies. Due to the way the biology chips fell, the woman and baby are the only ones with rights in a birthing situation.

The most magical thing to ever happen to anyone, is when you first see your baby born. It’s amazing.

The sex and termination examples you use are moot points. Not at all related to this situation.

It’s like me saying that those that don’t sign up to donate their organs after death are morally wrong but legally right.

They have the right through choice to not agree, but some will do it simply because they can, despite the fact they are dead and are of no use whatsoever.

The point is, if the outcome is for the greater good ie allowing someone to share the magical moment of seeing their/your baby being born or giving someone that chance of life by donating your organs- then I would say it’s morally questionable to say ‘No’ just because it’s your body and your right....

However I don’t think choice should be taken away and I do think that women should have a choice but equally she should consider her DP wishes too.....

In this instance if they’d discussed it and he said he wouldn’t look then it was shit to peep anyway. I’ve explained that I feel on the fence in general because I can see why OP is annoyed.... but there is the other view that it was the best if the moment, a lot going on and so it’s something to draw a line under it for the sake of their relationship.

What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking

What actually is the relevance of this? Yes you're right, it is awful. But it has absolutely no relevance to OPs situation whatsoever.

Because OP is lucky to be giving birth in the west she should just forget about having a say over who views her own body? Mmm okay

He might have wanted to fully respect your wishes but during the actual birth and the baby arriving all that might have went out the window.

How about...
He might have wanted to respect your refusal to have sex, but during an actual erection all that went out of the window.

Would that be okay? When does a woman’s bodily autonomy become irrelevant to you.

Some people are blissfully ignorant of the fact that a large number of women have a lot of trauma caught up in their genitals, their bodies and being viewed and touched without their consent.

If you don’t understand that, you’re very fortunate.

I’m so sorry OP, this thread is awful and you are not unreasonable at all.

Oh yes because we’re lucky to go home with a healthy baby in the developed world means women should just accept no privacy or dignity or autonomy, even when it can be easily afforded. Being treated with respect and dignity is a ridiculous ask because we should just be grateful and the only thing that matters it a healthy baby and mum (even if mum is mentally traumatised and damaged by the experience) 🙄

@oakleaffy

Do you know it was the furthest thing away from what I wanted but it was the best day of my life because I met my baby. And I think that's what we have to focus on because birth is so unpredictable. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted but you have your child and you had a team of people ready to get that baby to you and keep you safe no matter what. What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking

This /...A thousand times this.

We are so lucky in the West.. What happens to women in less medically 'advanced' regions is appalling.
Dreadful mortality rates of mothers and babies.

This this and this.....

You can still have a safe birth with modern advancements in a developed country whilst having your basic human rights respected FFS

The sex and termination examples you use are moot points

They aren't though. Because they are all referring to a third person thinking they have a 'right' over a woman's body.

It doesn't matter if it's the most magical thing in the world, it's still OPs choice not to have someone gawping at her vagina. She said no.

If a woman says no to you looking at her genitals then the moral thing to do is not look at her genitals, whatever the situation is.

Sorry I’m actually astonished people are pointing to mortality rates in developing countries to justify women being treated with disrespect in childbirth. Just speechless!

I'm struggling to take in that so many women think that because he's the father his wants take precedence over the actual woman giving birth.

I’ve seen this over and over on MN - loads of women saying men should have a say in their partner’s birth, down to whether or not she had her mother there, where it takes place etc. Many seem to have the idea that it’s as much his experience as hers.

It’s absolutely insane bollocks. The only person whose views matter when it comes to birth are the woman doing it, and her health care providers. Partners are there to do exactly what they’re told, and support their partner with whatever she needs.

@oakleaffy

Do you know it was the furthest thing away from what I wanted but it was the best day of my life because I met my baby. And I think that's what we have to focus on because birth is so unpredictable. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted but you have your child and you had a team of people ready to get that baby to you and keep you safe no matter what. What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking

This /...A thousand times this.

We are so lucky in the West.. What happens to women in less medically 'advanced' regions is appalling.
Dreadful mortality rates of mothers and babies.

This isn't a race to the bottom. Too often women from 'richer' countries are told their experiences of being treated badly are irrelevant because they have 'privilege' others don't. Women are not a collective, and if one woman says she has had an experience with her own anatomy that left her feeling degraded, not listened to, have her feelings on one of the most serious physical and mental things she will experience disregarded for the happiness of others, then we should listen to her. Not bombarded her with comments about why she shouldn't have an opinion at who looks at her own body when shes at her most vulnerable, and it doesn't matter now anyway.

So the OP is in an incredibly vulnerable position where her husband should be advocating for her, and both he and the Dr goes against her wishes, but that's acceptable to a lot of people on here?

Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. It is a medical event where the woman giving birth is incredibly vulnerable. The partner should be there to support the woman giving birth. That is the main reason to be there. Not to watch. Of course if they woman giving birth is happy for the birth partner to watch, that is fine.

It's not about dignity. It's not about self confidence. It is about respecting the wishes of someone who is at that time, in a very vulnerable position.

We can take advantage of medical advances AND have our autonomy and bodies respected and or views listened to. It's not an either or.

@oakleaffy
Whilst I agree we’re lucky to have the NHS and the medical staff know best when it comes to the medical side, a woman knows best when it comes to her body.
The OP isn’t saying she felt violated by a medical choice but by a choice the dr and her husband made over her right to privacy and dignity when she was vulnerable.
Saying yes women still feel violated sometimes but it could be worse is the opposite of progress.
OP, I think you need to talk to your husband in your own when you feel calm. If he can’t understand how let down you feel perhaps do so with a therapist present. It’s only by opening up to him that he will understand and help you work through this.

Yanbu. He should have respected your wishes, it's your body and it's not a spectator sport.