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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
GoldenOmber · 09/08/2020 11:46

ie allowing someone to share the magical moment of seeing their/your baby being born

But he was there for the baby being born! He doesn’t need to watch it emerging from her vagina to do that surely? Should she also let him join in with the internal exams so he can join in the magical moment of the baby’s head engaging?

ThePlantsitter · 09/08/2020 11:47

I'm sorry you had such a difficult birth. It can be really traumatising. Flowers.

I think he shouldn't have looked and you are entitled to be annoyed. In his defence they don't really treat dads like humans in labour wards either, more like dundering children who've accidentally wandered into the room. I could understand if it felt really difficult to say 'she doesn't want me to look'. He should have said it anyway, of course, but I think he was probably feeling squashed by the whole process too. OBVIOUSLY to a much lesser degree than you.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 09/08/2020 11:47

Sounds like you had a very traumatic birth experience.
I could maybe understand if you'd not said prior or during birth about looking but you had.
Sounds like nobody respected your decisions.
Counselling will help, you need to process what happened and why you feel this way and find some peace within yourself.
Good luck op.
Yanbu btw

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/08/2020 11:48

There isn’t a BU here. The midwives and doctors didn’t give you a choice with the awful internal exams as well as I’m sure other interventions as you’ve definitely had a traumatic birth experience. It may be similar for your DH that he didn’t feel he had the choice to say no either. He might have thought if he offends the doctor by saying no, not looking, they might be even rougher in their treatment of you.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 11:50

He might have thought if he offends the doctor by saying no, not looking, they might be even rougher in their treatment of you

That's a bit of a stretch... Any decent doctor would not be rougher in the treatment of their patient because someone said they didn't want to watch Confused

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 11:50

@Handsoffisback This thread has actually depressed and shocked me :(

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble This. I can’t get my head around this attitude, no wonder such a high percentage of women are mentally traumatised and broken after childbirth if it’s acceptable to think consent/respect/dignity don’t matter as long as a healthy baby is handed to the woman. Then again it’s probably their fault they’re traumatised because they had high expectations of ‘magical dream’ birth 🙄

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 11:50

This reply has been deleted

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RaisinGhost · 09/08/2020 11:51

Tough one. I totally understand your feelings OP. However I see how it could have happened.

For one, the whole head end/business end is something of an artificial distinction. It's not like on an American sitcom, where the womens whole lower half is piled high with blankets and the doctor sits under the blankets. In real life you are naked and anyone in the room is going to see everything.

And I just can't agree with the analogy "oh yeah well what if he wanted sex and she said no, it would be OK to rape her", that is completely different and it's offensive to both those situations to compare the two.

Yogamad38 · 09/08/2020 11:51

@IsoBordem my first Birth was very traumatic too, my Dr's surgery arranged for a midwife to go through the details of my birth with me which really helped me deal with it x

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 11:51

lemonade do you need be to shout this? HER BODY HER FUCKING CHOICE

Er, hello?
With all your shouting, did you miss where I said It's your choice, so ultimately should be respected I'd be annoyed too
OR DO I HAVE TO SHOUT TO YOU TOO AS IT SEEMS YOU WERE SO LOUD AND INDIGNANT YOU MUST HAVE MISSED IT Hmm
Or am I not allowed to say MY experience too just because it's different?
I said OP's choice should be respected. So should mine be. We all have different experiences of childbirth and what we find acceptable/what we want and that's fine

FenellaVelour · 09/08/2020 11:52

I completely understand your partner’s desire to see your baby being born, and what a special moment that would’ve been for him.

But he blatantly put his own needs and desires above your clearly stated wishes, and that’s not ok. It’s selfish and dismissive and shows little understanding of your emotions and experience.

The doctors, though, are most at fault for not only allowing but encouraging this, despite knowing how you felt. I would definitely follow up on that.

user1294625849274 · 09/08/2020 11:52

This thread is repulsive in the vile ignorant comments so many are making. No wonder it is so difficult for people with trauma to receive the care they need in this country when so many people lack the basic human empathy to even recognise it exists or respond with a modicum of compassion.

To those pps: it is irrelevant whether you personally would not have cared or would have consented because it is not you, your body, or your consent under discussion here. You don't get to decide whether or not another person should consent to something or whether that person is allowed to be traumatised or distressed by their experiences! A healthy baby and being traumatised are not mutually exclusive.

Op, I'm sorry your consent was violated, I'm sorry the people who should have made you feel safe when you were vulnerable let you down so badly, and I'm sorry you have had such brutal and ignorant responses from posters on here.

I can see what you mean, OP. That it made you feel that you weren't a human patient, in terrible pain, that you were merely some inanimate object to be observed, a curiosity. That your wishes and feelings were completely irrelevant to the humans in the room. Feeling dehumanised can be terrifying, instinctively, because of the poor care which can result.

That your husband participated, rather than acted as your advocate, must make you feel so unsafe - he didn't have your back when it counts and that will make you wonder if he would adequately advocate for you in future medical events.

This, from page one, was a good summary and it was what I saw and felt too when I read your op. I am sorry this happened to you. You are allowed to feel distressed by it. You have every right to expect to be heard and respected when you speak about how it has affected you.

VinylDetective · 09/08/2020 11:52

@Handsoffisback

vinyl saying that it’s completely alien to you is a thinly veiled way of saying that other women’s feelings in this situation are not valid. You didn’t need to finish your post saying that. It was unnecessary.
No it wasn’t. It was exactly what it said on the tin. If you choose to interpret what I said in a way I didn’t intend, that’s your issue, not mine.
Luaa · 09/08/2020 11:53

I think to expect him to be in the room supporting you but not look and see his baby being born is totally unrealistic. Isn't that why most fathers are present at the birth?

No, father's are present at the birth to support their partners and meet their baby when it is born, not necessarily see the actual birth from the business end.

Based on the responses here I am no longer surprised so many midwives seem to have so little respect for women's wishes, so many women on here think ops feelings and wishes don't matter at all.

Balhammom · 09/08/2020 11:54

Others will disagree but if you have issues with your partner watching the birth of their child, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be having children with them.

ThePlantsitter · 09/08/2020 11:57

@Balhammom

Others will disagree but if you have issues with your partner watching the birth of their child, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be having children with them.
I do disagree but quite apart from that, telling someone that when they're talking about that person's behaviour while she was labouring with their child is unhelpful to say the least.
MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 11:57

@Balhammom

Others will disagree but if you have issues with your partner watching the birth of their child, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be having children with them.
What a disgusting, crass, ignorant thing to say. Perhaps engage your brain before you post something so bloody stupid on the internet again.
Choochoose · 09/08/2020 11:57

Yes it should be the woman’s choice as it is her body, however morally (not legally) is it fair for the woman to stop her DP seeing the magical moment of his baby coming in to the world, on the back of what I’ve just described above?

Yes it fucking is. I'm absolutely disgusted by some people's view that a man's want to watch trump's the woman's right to autonomy over her body, misogyny is alive and well.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 11:58

@Balhammom

Others will disagree but if you have issues with your partner watching the birth of their child, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be having children with them.
What a depressing thread.

Does a woman's choice mean nothing to you?

It's threads like these that just prove we have a long way to go.

2155User · 09/08/2020 11:58

@Balhammom

I agree.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 12:00

This is why ante natal and maternity care is so atrocious sometimes and it leaves women traumatised,mentally and physically.

A woman's wishes,needs and wants are not to be listened to. There will always be someone that matters more, that knows better. And when things go tits up? Well she should just be grateful she's still alive.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:01

And people can say 'im only saying what my experience was' but really, why?

This isn't about your experience. Maybe my husband looked, maybe he didn't. It is of no use to this thread for me to share whether he did or not because it's not about that.

It's about OP saying no and being over ruled in relation to her own body!

What you did during birth is of no relevance here.

rosiethehen · 09/08/2020 12:01

You need to make a complaint about the doctor. Any doctor who goes ahead and does things which aren't consented to is harmful and potentially abusive, even if he doesn't intend to be that way.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 12:01

In contrast, OH wouldn't even hold the baby first (despite the midwives giving DD to him) because he felt it wasn't his place. In his words "you did all the work,you should get to hold her first".

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 12:03

I understand why you didn't want him to look, and can see why you're upset that he did.

But I can also understand how, standing right there in the delivery room at your invitation, being invited to look by the medical professionals, maybe really desperately wanting to see the moment his child entered the world, he might decide to do so.

Unless you're going to end the relationship, you cannot maintain this anger for ever.

You live once, you love each other, you created a child together, you have a lifetime in which he can make it up to you. Find a way to process his error of judgment, acknowledge that people make mistakes and one day you may let him down too and need forgiveness, and let it go.