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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 11:09

They agreed he wouldn't look.
She said no and both the doctor and the partner ignored her.

Does the word no not mean anything anymore? How many times should a woman say no ?

She said no and was ignored by her partner and the doctor at a time she was in pain, vulnerable and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Of course she's bloody upset!

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 11:09

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me.

But they do get to see their child coming into the world. They get to be in the room, one of the first to hold their child, support their partner through the whole experience. Why does that need to include having a close up view of what's happening in full detail to a woman's body, especially if she has said no? Will it make a man a better father for it? A better husband?

mummmy2017 · 09/08/2020 11:09

Sorry posted to soon.
Lay the blame at your doctor's door, he seems to have forced both of you.
I bet your husband was just scared and did what the person in charge told him too.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/08/2020 11:10

YANBU. His curiosity was not more important than your comfort. He has let you down.

You do need to get over this, but I don’t think dismissal of your feelings is the way to achieve it. Maybe it’s a debrief, maybe it’s counselling, I don’t know.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 11:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 11:14

For how long are you going to be resentful about his error of judgement

I would think until he has earned her trust back, how that happens, only OP knows what she will need for that to happen.
Yes, she should get help to deal with her feelings but he violated her trust and that can't just be switched back on or instructed by a counselor

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 11:17

@stayathomer

But he's not looking at her genitals, he's looking at the baby coming out
Exactly
FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 11:18

And what is the baby coming out of exactly @TableFlowerss?

MySweatyPie · 09/08/2020 11:19

I think he should have respected your request but since he didnt, is this becsuse he doesnt respect your boundaries? Do you have body shame issues? I think you need to think about your motives both and how to move on from that either as a couple or separately.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 11:19

But he's not looking at her genitals, he's looking at the baby coming out

Exactly

FFS

unmarkedbythat · 09/08/2020 11:19

Yanbu. You had asked him not to and he did. I have no sympathy for "oh he was pushed into it by the doctor". You're at your most vulnerable and the person meant to be supporting you goes against your clear request and looks at you in a way you have asked him not to. I'd be disgusted by and disappointed in him and my respect for him would be diminished. As for trust, yeah, no. I don't trust people who do things like that.

SunshineCake · 09/08/2020 11:19

Why don't medical staff ask the actual patient if their partner wants to look rather than treating the partner like it is their choice? Serious question.

If the patient says yes and partner says no, that's the limit of their choice.

I'm so sorry you feel like this @IsoBordem and suggest you talk to a sympathetic midwife.

Nomorepies · 09/08/2020 11:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 11:23

is this becsuse he doesnt respect your boundaries

They agreed before NO
OP said NO during delivery
She was ignored
That's a pretty damn clear disrespect of boundaries they had agreed on. It's even worse him doing what he did if she has body issues.

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 11:25

I think we all have hopes and dreams for our First Baby..

No painkillers, all Natural, lovely home birth with serenity all around...

But then it often seems not to be as we had planned.

My deepest regret was Pethidine...I said ''no painkillers'' but they went ahead anyway...I think I must have said ''yes'' to them.

The pain from Oxytocin drip contractions was so great that they gave pethidine that made me not fully 'present'....It also made DS soporific.

I did feel disappointed, but so few of us have ''perfect, as planned'' first births.
As other OP's have suggested, DH ''looking'' is a convenient hook to hang disappointment over a birth that was more like ''Going 10 rounds with a professional Boxer'' than the serene misty dream we hope for.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 11:26

But such is life- focus on the end result and it all gets forgotten.

I had what would be called a text book birth, no issues, home in 24 hours even.
I found it dehumanizing and degrading. I hated it.
I've never forgotten and it's a big reason dd is an only child.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 09/08/2020 11:27

It sounds like the doctor was the one in the wrong. When everything is moving quickly and they are in control of your life and the delivery of your baby it's hard to say no sometimes. It's not great that your husband didn't advocate for you in the way that you wished but he may have felt pressured by the doctor that it was important he see what was happening.
I would suggest having a debrief with the hospital about the whole birth experience.

Bbang · 09/08/2020 11:28

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?

Me for my first baby.

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 11:29

@VinylDetective but that’s your choice, it’s not having to understand why other women feel differently, just supporting their choice to do so.

Wecandothis99 · 09/08/2020 11:30

This happened to me and I wasn't pissed off at all. I said no before labour as I had no idea that it would be a free for all in there anyway with all the docs etc, she asked him and I thought fuck it it's his baby too. It was the best moment and he cried like a baby!

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 11:31

Why don't medical staff ask the actual patient if their partner wants to look rather than treating the partner like it is their choice? Serious question

I wonder this too, it’s so normalised- you see it on one born every minute a lot- ‘oh the heads coming out, dad come and have a look!’ with no including the woman in question.

Ablackrussian · 09/08/2020 11:32

OP, how dreadful for you.

And as some previous posters have mentioned, it should be up to the woman to decide.

I had a similar experience with a twatty doctor, and twatty mum not respecting boundaries, telling me to shut up (my mum). I even remember apologising to her for making so much noise, as well as doc telling me to "get a grip", when I yelled out in pain. It was fucking traumatic.

I hear you, op.

NotanotherSAHM · 09/08/2020 11:33

@MouthBreathingRage

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me.

But they do get to see their child coming into the world. They get to be in the room, one of the first to hold their child, support their partner through the whole experience. Why does that need to include having a close up view of what's happening in full detail to a woman's body, especially if she has said no? Will it make a man a better father for it? A better husband?

Absolutely this. I just don’t get why so many think that he has to be down the business end to see his child born. We don’t get to see from that angle (really wouldn’t want to) but it’s still the most magical experience and much nicer to share that first look together in my experience.

Regardless, she said NO. The fact the doctor even asked the question if he was going to immediately disregard the answer also baffles me.

OP you should definitely complain to PALS and push for a debrief. I hope you are still managing to enjoy these precious first few months with your new baby

Miriel · 09/08/2020 11:35

This thread is shocking. It doesn't matter whether it's 'normal' for the partner to watch. It doesn't matter whether you were happy for your own partner to watch, or that you immediately 'got over' whatever happened while you were giving birth.

OP did not want this to happen and her wishes weren't respected. That's all that matters here.

Thisfucker · 09/08/2020 11:35

@Sexnotgender

God so much dismissive bullshit on here. Women are allowed to say fucking no.
This is so true. I'm struggling to take in that so many women think that because he's the father his wants take precedence over the actual woman giving birth. Some of the comments are fucking disgraceful. There really are some shitty people on here today. As for @022828MAN If you think that no woman in a long term relationship deserves any dignity, I really hope that those cruel dismissive words come back to haunt you.