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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:

Julmust · 09/08/2020 10:51

Yanbu. It's your body and you'd asked him not to look so he should have abided by that.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 10:52

That's a very extreme thing to say, we all know how crazy it is when a baby is born, all common sense, normality, whatever goes out the window. He was there for your support, but also for his baby, whether he forgot, got caught up in the moment, whether he knew he'd regret it if he didn't and his reaction was to look, it wasn't a spiteful or oneupmanship thing, he looked to see his baby being born. You can all talk about it being a woman's body, but his child was being born. Hope you're okay though OP!

I don't care if it his kid, it's her body. Her bodily autonomy comes first and in that moment the LEAST he could do was respect her wishes
He was not good support if she found out she can't trust him to respect her wishes.

That same his baby crap is thrown against women too often like she a mere vessel. It's a fucking disgrace. I think very little of people who demean women to mere vessels with but it's his baby.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 09/08/2020 10:52

I think your partner was put in the spot by the doctor and felt that he had to do as he was asked or it would have looked bad on him.

All he had to say was that he had promised his wife not to look. He looked because he wanted to, no use blaming the doctor.

However it does look as though the doctor was to blame for other things.

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 10:52

If this were a discussion about autonomy and consent in terms of sex and relationships everyone would be in agreement that a woman owns her body and no means no, that consent is important.

Move to a birth setting and suddenly the rules shift, whether that’s with unwanted partners watching everything or students practicing internals. Suddenly an unhealthy amount of posters are not supportive of autonomy and consent in the same way.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 10:53

@stayathomer

But he's not looking at her genitals, he's looking at the baby coming out

Her genitials are still part of that process as you well know and she specifically said NO.

It is her body. She doesn't even need to allow him in the room if she doesn't want to never mind allow him front row seat to her vagina during birth.

I really can't believe some people think it's perfectly okay to ignore a woman's NO in this situation because she happens to be giving birth. I am genuinely so surprised.

She isn't a walking incubator who has to allow Dad his 'special moment'. She's a woman, it's her body. She has the final saw if someone gets to view it or not.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 10:55

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?

YES
EVERYDAY OF THE BLOODY WEEK
She is not a vessel for his viewing against her wishes

He has no right. Women cat have the father banned from room entirely

Wereeaglesdare · 09/08/2020 10:55

Before every VE every midwife I have ever met gains consent and especially students. Did this not happen? Or did u feel too uncomfortable to say no? Unfortunately when an induction is opted for a cascade of intervention then follows so then women will end up with epidurals and instrumental delivies most of the time because the baby wasn't ready. And then you are put on a time line and they have to assess you at certain times to ensure the baby isn't going in to distress.
I think that we are all programmed to believe birth is this thing that hardly any women get. I have seen some beautiful births but I have seen so much medical intervention that left me questioning the motives. I had a failed induction and caesarian after every man and his dog had there hand up me. Then I had my bare ass on show to a room full of theatre people and then my baby got taken away 20 minutes after! But I kind of get the not looking thing. I asked my partner not to look during my caesarian because I knew his face would give the game away and I would freak out because being operated on awake was my worst nightmare.

Do you know it was the furthest thing away from what I wanted but it was the best day of my life because I met my baby. And I think that's what we have to focus on because birth is so unpredictable. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted but you have your child and you had a team of people ready to get that baby to you and keep you safe no matter what. What some other poor women have to go through in other counties alone. The mortality rates in places like Somalia and Afghanistan and Liberia are shocking.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Reallybadidea · 09/08/2020 10:57

I'm unutterably depressed that over half of the poll respondents think the OP is unreasonable. It's her body. There is no reason, none at all, that she should be unreasonable for asking her DH not to look at her genitals at any point and for any reason during the birth.

I hope you're OK OP. Please get some counselling - maybe couples therapy too.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 09/08/2020 10:57

YANBU. Nothing made it necessary for him to look. Your body, your choice.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 10:57

@stayathomer

But he's not looking at her genitals, he's looking at the baby coming out

Oh is the baby magically coming out of an area that suddenly doesn't feel utterly undignified? Not coming out of her genitals in this case? He can watch the baby being born from standing next to her, there is literally no reason to need to go to the birthing end unless there's no medical help available (or it's been agreed by both parents beforehand, which it was not here).

squeekums · 09/08/2020 10:59

however morally (not legally) is it fair for the woman to stop her DP seeing the magical moment of his baby coming in to the world, on the back of what I’ve just described above?
Yes very fair.
Her body, she chooses who sees what.
Morally HE should have said no to the Dr.
That simple

dasherr · 09/08/2020 10:59

OP I had a very similar experience and I felt the same although I wasn't asked like you were. And I guess I never said to the staff that I didnt want him to look although we had discussed it beforehand. I had said I didn't want him to look and he said he didn't want to look.

The whole thing felt like I was a piece of meat and this just enforced that. No attempt whatsoever to give me any dignity. I realise it's not a dignified situation but still, it would have made a small difference to me.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 10:59

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?

Would you say

'so does your self confidence trump his right to have sex?'

'so does your right to body autonomy trump his right to have a say in whether you have a termination?'.

'so does your self confidence trump his right to see you naked?'.

THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES. He does not have a right to see anything. What is this magic right that he apparently has? She doesn't even need to allow him in the room at all if she doesn't want. Men do not have a right to view their wives, partners, exes whoever, delivering their babies. Due to the way the biology chips fell, the woman and baby are the only ones with rights in a birthing situation.

VinylDetective · 09/08/2020 11:01

I’m so much on the fence about this I’ve got splinters in my arse.

I couldn’t agree more about the loss of dignity in childbirth. It was one of the most dehumanising experiences of my life, there were numerous times before, during and after when I felt like a piece of meat. I’d hoped things had improved in the last 45 years and am very saddened to see they haven’t.

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me.

The real issue for me would be that he agreed in advance to one thing and then went back on it. I do think it wouldn’t be so much of an issue if the birth hadn’t been so traumatic and I’m really sorry it was so awful, OP. I think you’d benefit from a review.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 11:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/08/2020 11:02

First of all I’d like to say how very sorry I am for your experience and for the many comments on here that miss the point entirely. The sentiments expressed by several posters illustrate the attitudes that go some way to explaining the appalling treatment of women during and after childbirth in the UK. To use a sex analogy - it doesn’t matter at all that you are cool with x act or y person, the participant calls the shots - it is her body - and she decides what goes full stop.
Don’t let people tell you that your distress is due to PND either. You may or may not have PND but it is entirely human and normal to be upset at having your boundaries violated. If your husband is capable of listening and understanding that he has materially breached your trust when you were at your most vulnerable and relying on him to ‘have your back’ then tell him so. Please also consider complaining about the medical staff ignoring your wishes and causing you trauma and upset to your detriment in furtherance of their own agenda and prioritising something over and above their patients, the mother and child.

VinylDetective · 09/08/2020 11:03

@Handsoffisback

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me.

But that’s you vinyl, not everyone feels the same way about their bodies.

I know. That’s why it’s alien to me!

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 11:04

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me

No one is asking you to 'get your head around' it.

Literally all that matters here is OP said NO, and considering its her body, that should count for everything! Whether or not you would choose to do the same is irrelevant.

Lelophants · 09/08/2020 11:04

I remember having this same request to my partner. I can understand why it would make you feel dehumanised and almost violated when all that is going on. You have to talk to him and let him know how you feel. And maybe request a reflections session from your hospital?

userabcname · 09/08/2020 11:05

OP you are NOT unreasonable. My first birth was vaginal and really traumatic and awful. I also felt like a slab of meat that anyone who came into the room could just gawp at / prod / poke without even talking to me. It was shit. Birth is such a dehumanising situation where you are at your most vulnerable and literally at the mercy of strangers (especially when it all goes wrong). I'm sorry it went so wrong for you and I'm sorry your husband didn't afford you the respect and dignity you needed. I don't think people who were listened to and had more straightforward births, or have never given birth, are capable of understanding how it feels to be honest, which explains some of the comments here.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/08/2020 11:06

Make a complaint to PALS. I told one mw my birthplan and that I didn’t want my DH looking down there and even during the forceps delivery he was made to stand by my head by a totally unrelated team.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 11:07

Having said that, I can’t get my head round not wanting my child’s father seeing them come into the world. It’s completely alien to me.

And I don't understand why so many women would want their partner to look. Was a horrific thought to me and thankfully dp agreed
It's no spectator sport and as few a pairs of eyes as humanly possible for me was best

mummmy2017 · 09/08/2020 11:07

The doctor did ask if it was ok and I did say no, I would prefer he didn't look. At the same time I also said I didn't want to see but the doctor still grabbed the mirror to show me.

jessstan2 · 09/08/2020 11:08

You said, "No", he did it anyway. He shouldn't have and I'm sure you've let him know as much in no uncertain terms.

For how long are you going to be resentful about his error of judgement?

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