To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

I'm sorry but your partner has seen your lady bits before, you are being ridiculous.
My first birth was hurrendous, to hand point I couldn't give a crap who looked down there. The baby is your partners too why shouldn't he see his baby being born?
At my last birth, if my partner hadn't looked we wouldn't haVE known baby was crowning and to call a midwIfe

So what if he seen, she said NO
Who cares if YOU were ok with being on disply, OP wasnt
He can, from the head end. He has NO RIGHT to disregard her wishes about HER body
Again, your birth, NOT the OP

yes I get that, but when she felt that she needed to bear down, she could have asked him to leave if she didn't want him to see what was going on.
After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.

FFS, utterly disgraceful
He could have been a REAL MAN and RESPECTED her wishes
Would the logic apply if she had sex with him once then said no for next night? Does he then have a right to say well you let me once so.... I gather you believe thats ok

Of course I'm not a flipping troll. As I said, the OP asked and she got.
We have a difference of opinion, that's life.

No, your just akin to a rape apologist

Once is permanent consent in your eyes
Disgusting

Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?

Nope, he has NO RIGHT actually
The OP could have had him BANNED from the room

It was a genuine question, as in how is giving birth dehumanising

Hmm lets see
My body on show for all in the room, no control, feel like a literal animal, literally being at the whim of strangers who i have to trust will do right by me
have my clothes ripped down for forced BF

Im simply not one who wants to be on show, its a degrading, dehumanizing experience

My body on show for all in the room, no control, feel like a literal animal, literally being at the whim of strangers who i have to trust will do right by me
have my clothes ripped down for forced BF
Im simply not one who wants to be on show, its a degrading, dehumanizing experience

OK, fair enough and I respect that - it wasn't my experience though which is why I asked, to get different viewpoints

I don't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to look? Do you have sex with a sheet over you & he never see's your lady parts? I just don't get it.

You dont need to get it
Why is it ok for a woman in an extremely scary and venerable position to have her wishes ignored?

People will never agree on this subject.

You say that as if it's acceptable. It's not.

YA absolutely NBU.
Doctors have form for disrespecting labouring women's requests. Your partner should not have been colluding with them but calling them out.

People will never agree on this subject
You say that as if it's acceptable. It's not

Why?
All female births, opinions, and experiences are valid.
We're all separate women, all separate people, all have separate experiences. We should all be listened to

Why?
All female births, opinions, and experiences are valid.
We're all separate women, all separate people, all have separate experiences. We should all be listened to

The subject is consent. Different opinions shouldn't come into it.

Depends what is meant by ‘not agree’
Not agreeing in the sense that we all want totally different things at our own births and will inevitably have different preferences and views how we want things to be= fine
Not agreeing in the sense of ‘I wouldn’t do that and I also don’t believe any other woman should have the right to do that’= not acceptable

Depends what is meant by ‘not agree’

My comment was a direct response to a poster. So what I mean is that what that posted said is not something up for agree/disagree. When talking about consent and women's rights you don't just get to disagree because he has seen her fanny before.

The subject is consent. Different opinions shouldn't come into it.

Yes! Always said when comes to consent, we should be listened to.
No means no.
If a woman doesn't care less who sees, and wants their husband/partner to see their child birthing though, why are our opinions less valid? From some on this thread it is.
If you (general you) ask for opinions you're going to get a range. Women aren't a hive mind.

I don't understand why she allowed him in the room if she didn't want him to look tbh.

Its not that hes being disrespectful and not doing as requested.

Shes giving birth. The entire focus on whats going on is about whats going on down there.

With the best will in the world, imagine being in a room with lots of people staring and making comment about the exciting tv show, but youve been told, whatever you do, dont look at the tv.

Trying not to in that situation is near impossible even if you are talking about the nicest guy in the world, the chances are at some point with all the excitement and all the attention going on, they are going to look at some point even if unintentionally or they lose themselves in the excitement. And especially when they are being encouraged by the doctors to look.

Whilst being respectful of your partners wishes are paramount you also have to be realistic and tbh this was an unrealistic expectation which was never going to happen. Its pretty strange to expect the doctors to know thst you are being weird about your partner having a look too. The expectation is that if hes in the room hes there to watch the good damn birth!

Its quite another matter about consenting to students watching or doing examinations. But making this clear prior to labour is probably a wise move if this is the case. Otherwise you are always going to risk any number of hospital staff doing their job.

Sorry i dont get this at all. I just find it thoroughly unrealistic and just lashing out at others for having unrealistic expectations and no sense of what the doctors natural expectations of the situation would be.

And be made to feel like a rapist for daring to take a glance at my baby coming into the world?

Your wife is NOT YOUR PROPERTY
You have NO RIGHT to gawk at her if she dont want you too look.
Would you be fine with everyone having a glance for a prostate exam? I mean its only your body, not worthy of dignity or privacy.
Thats what you say to your wife when you say your supposed right to gawk at her is above her right to bodily autonomy

Look if op’s husband had meekly agreed to miss out on the amazing experience of seeing his child come into the world he should really have stuck to that-I can only imagine he didn’t because the poor sod was too embarrassed to explain that he was forbidden from looking at OP’s nether regions, BUT I still say that OP was incredibly selfish to deny the father that experience in the first place.

Wow
Seek help for your women hating feelings. You shouldnt be passing on your dangerous rhetoric to male or female children

HE HAD NO RIGHT TO EVEN BE IN THE ROOM WITHOUT HER ONGOING CONSENT

@blacktop ah I just wondered whether they meant ‘not agree’ in the sense that we all have different preferences when we give birth. However ‘disagreeing’ on how other women exercise their rights and boundaries during birth is not okay, as you say when it comes to consent there should be no debate.

Im normally shit hot on consent on these type of threads but you are talking about a situation which just isnt going to work in practice, rather than it being a partner who is disrespectful or violating wishes.

@RedToothBrush well maybe she wanted him in the room to be a support person, the whole point of having a birth partner. During my 2nd birth my DH stayed up firmly by my head, it wasn’t difficult at all. And he still played a very important role as my birth partner throughout the long labour and birth, it’s not assumed that the birth partner is there to ‘watch everything’, they’re there for the mother’s benefit not to spectate.

And be made to feel like a rapist for daring to take a glance at my baby coming into the world?

Your wife is NOT YOUR PROPERTY

Has anyone, anywhere said they are?
Just it's natural to want to see your baby being born if you're there.
Although, admittedly, if you're told you can be there at the birth but under no circumstances are you allowed to look that should be stuck to as well.
No looking. Business end only, regardless.

[quote sugarfreemint]@RedToothBrush well maybe she wanted him in the room to be a support person, the whole point of having a birth partner. During my 2nd birth my DH stayed up firmly by my head, it wasn’t difficult at all. And he still played a very important role as my birth partner throughout the long labour and birth, it’s not assumed that the birth partner is there to ‘watch everything’, they’re there for the mother’s benefit not to spectate.[/quote]
I dont see you can have it both ways tbh. There is always a chance that he will see by accident or something will happen etc etc if your partner is there.

If you are in the room given birth nakeness is kind of part of the equation. Whether the intention is to 'specutate' or not.

Theres plenty of doctors who will assume that staying by your head is about a partner being afraid, so think they are being good in encouraging them to take a look.

Its simply unrealistic.

I’m wondering why it was a big deal for DH to look but perfectly ok for others to look. It seems strange so wondering whether there was a reason behind this.

Only the needed trained professionals needed to look
That is what the OP wanted

Does no body understand the meaning of the word consent or are people that fucking stupid

Has anyone, anywhere said they are?
well how else would you describe someone who thinks their wishes to gawk over-ride the womans wishes for bodily autonomy and as much dignity as she could get in the circumstances.
That says to me they deem the woman as a possession, with no rights, a mere vessel, their gawking feelies mean more

Of course YANBU OP.

I’m sorry it was such an awful experience for you. My first birth was also quite traumatic. My second was much better.

I hope you are ok - congratulations on your new baby.

You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming. Maybe, if you don't want him at the business end, you should offer him the opportunity not to have to cope with the top end either.

Fucking Hell
What is wrong with you