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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
squeekums · 09/08/2020 23:09

Others will disagree but if you have issues with your partner watching the birth of their child, I’d say you probably shouldn’t be having children with them.

What the actual fuck?
So what, a woman loses all rights in a relationship?

Sewrainbow · 09/08/2020 23:09

Just read your further comments op, sounds like there was an issue with the staff involved in your birth, it's probably worth speaking with either pals or the head of the midwifery team.

You need to tell the team that they didn't listen to you and respect your wishes, they should be feeling the brunt of your anger. DH was as new to the situation as you were and probably just as overwhelmed. What does he say about it all?

squeekums · 09/08/2020 23:11

Why didn't you want him to look?
He could have filmed it to show you.
I sa on tv a birth.. When the head came out OMG I can still see the image. Imagine if they put a big mirror on the wall and you could see yourself giving birth...

Can you not read?
She didnt want him to look, WHY is IRRELEVANT
I could think of nothing worse than being filmed or a giant mirror.
Does a womans bodily autonomy mean nothing to you

bruffin · 09/08/2020 23:18

I would really recommend asking the hospital for a birth debrief
Op is not in the Uk, so may work differently in her country.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:26

@Smallsteps88

Biscuit means biscuit. It’s the actual name of the emoji. It doesn’t mean troll.
Actually your wrong.

People do use this as indication something might not be as it seems.

If you notice sometimes it will appear on certain threads. Including trolling.

LittleMissTeacup · 09/08/2020 23:26

Getting through this thread was tough!

Most people have shared their experiences and opinions of whether OP’s DH should have been at the business end or not.

Like others, I think a birth debrief/ PALS would help for the medical aspects you were unhappy with.

However, I don’t think the issue is whether he is at the business end or not. Unlike everyone else in the room, he was your birthing partner and, in my view, as your DH he’s your team-mate. To me, my DP is the person that advocates for me everyday, as I do for him, and I count on him to have my back, especially when I’m unable to have my own.
During this, it sounds like your DH didn’t have your back as your “team mate in life” (sorry, terrible phrase to try to explain this!) and, as the only one in the room who was supposed to be your teammate, this was a huge blow and letdown.

Yes, he may have felt pressure or been excited, but I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel let down. The only way forward that I can see is for you to talk to him about why you feel letdown or to have a bit of couples counselling if you don’t feel able to do this independently.

I think he may need to know why/ how you feel he let you down, in order for him to understand your upset.

squeekums · 09/08/2020 23:27

If you didn't want him looking, then why have him there?
Move on and forget about it.

Here a shock for you
Many women want to try keep something for themselves and dont WANT or NEED extra eyes all up in her bits

He DISRESPECTED HER WISES FOR BODILY AUTONOMY

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:30

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

I agree

What is it you're all thinking it is? Genuinely intrigued.
Boobs?
It's a biscuit lol

Did you think it was a boob? 😂 I thought it was a flower originally.

Well I was told when I kept seeing it randomly appear on threads a few months ago (because I also asked what it was and why do people use it) that it’s used when people think it could be made up, a troll, not truthful.

Someone that’s been here for years explained it to me.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 23:33

Actually your wrong
No, it is a biscuit. Used as no comment. Biscuit. Gordon Brown was when it was introduced on here - not saying whether he preferred hob nobs to custard creams whatever - saw it as beneath him, maybe? As in no comment lol although in reality probably just didn't get around to answering lol

People do use this as indication something might not be as it seems. If you notice sometimes it will appear on certain threads. Including trolling
So because someone has made up their own version of what it is, that;s what it suddenly is? It doesn't mean troll. Never has. If someone has decided that then you can't suddenly turn around and be all Confused if someone has no idea what you're alluding to!

Yeahnahmum · 09/08/2020 23:35

First of all: cant believe a man would actually want to have a look.
Second of all: you told him you'd 'rather have him not look'. Could have been a bit more clear. Still...your partner is a bit of a douche

And the doc who showed you a mirror to have a look yourself after you said you didnt want to look? He is an arsehole if he did it intentionally. But he could have forgotten. Also you could have just closed your eyes and not looked.

And to a pp that said it could be worse because "her husband watched her c section': that is comparing apples and pears. A kid coming out of a sacred,intimate happy place (aka vagina). Or being born by surgery via abdomen. Yes it is quite gross brutal to see. But not at the same level of intimacy invasion

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 23:35

Did you think it was a boob? 😂 I thought it was a flower originally

No, I've always thought it a biscuit. Never a boob lol, was just trying to see what others would see it as it clearly wasn't a biscuit to some! Grin
Not sure how it's a troll, equally how is it a flower lol, that's a new one, where's the petals, that's a funny looking flower to me lol how does that even work Grin

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 23:40

@TableFlowerss no she's not.
It never meant troll/lying.
Possibly troll as in someone that deliberately posts dickish views just for shits and giggles if you want to stretch it.

But it literally means here ,have a biscuit(and shut up). A sarcastic/dismissive reply similar to eye rolling, ODFOD, do you want a gold star/cookie etc.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:41

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

Actually your wrong No, it is a biscuit. Used as no comment. Biscuit. Gordon Brown was when it was introduced on here - not saying whether he preferred hob nobs to custard creams whatever - saw it as beneath him, maybe? As in no comment lol although in reality probably just didn't get around to answering lol

People do use this as indication something might not be as it seems. If you notice sometimes it will appear on certain threads. Including trolling
So because someone has made up their own version of what it is, that;s what it suddenly is? It doesn't mean troll. Never has. If someone has decided that then you can't suddenly turn around and be all Confused if someone has no idea what you're alluding to!

Ehhhh? What you on about??

Someone told me that’s why it’s often used in threads. I didn’t make it up personally. They explained that it started off something to do with Gordon Brown etc and over time is used for various reasons- when you think someone is a troll, being one of them, but not the only one.

I thought it was common knowledge and that’s why it’s randomly used on its own on many different threads.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 23:41

First of all: cant believe a man would actually want to have a look

Why? It's his child too. Couldn't care if mine had looked, and I know he did as he said the second looked like a butchers shop down there, charming Grin (appreciate not everyone feels the same)

And the doc who showed you a mirror to have a look yourself after you said you didnt want to look?
Yeah, agree that's insensitive people doing that - I wouldn;t have wanted to look myself but nobody ever asked me if I wanted to look, would be a firm no if they had!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 23:41

Why is a vagina a "sacred" place?

That's more disturbing than the biscuit troll.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:45

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@TableFlowerss no she's not.
It never meant troll/lying.
Possibly troll as in someone that deliberately posts dickish views just for shits and giggles if you want to stretch it.

But it literally means here ,have a biscuit(and shut up). A sarcastic/dismissive reply similar to eye rolling, ODFOD, do you want a gold star/cookie etc.[/quote]
Well I can assure you that I was told it’s used for various situations and a bull shit/made up thread.....being one of them.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:45

Not that I think this is one but I did wonder initially

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 23:47

Well I can assure you that I was told it’s used for various situations and a bull shit/made up thread.....being one of them

Maybe you were, but that's not what a biscuit usually means.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 23:49

And I was told by several people that the Moon landing was faked, doesn't mean it's true.

MumInCrisis123 · 09/08/2020 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:51

Horehound

**TableFlowerss
I’m actually wondering if this is a biscuit

There seems to be a lot of these recently on subjects that are completely decisive**

I agree

So this was my first post regarding the biscuit. That’s why the other poster (Horehound) said ‘I agree’

She knows it can mean it’s a made up thread....

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:52

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

And I was told by several people that the Moon landing was faked, doesn't mean it's true.
Grin
TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 23:54

@MumInCrisis123

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.
Is that what you think Biscuit means?
LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 23:56

She knows it can mean it’s a made up thread....

Oh see, no wonder people are getting bloody confused lol
Someone says do you think it's a Biscuit
Someone else says I agree
Others say what it is it if not a biscuit? People have had to guess as no-one said.
Apparently it means a flower Confused or a troll Confused
If people are making up their own versions no wonder people are going WTF lol

TableFlowerss · 10/08/2020 00:00

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

She knows it can mean it’s a made up thread....

Oh see, no wonder people are getting bloody confused lol
Someone says do you think it's a Biscuit
Someone else says I agree
Others say what it is it if not a biscuit? People have had to guess as no-one said.
Apparently it means a flower Confused or a troll Confused
If people are making up their own versions no wonder people are going WTF lol

😂😂

It is confusing but that’s how it was explained to me. I think I started a thread ages ago specifically asking what on earth Biscuit meant.

I kept seeing it randomly pop up in its own with no writing and I was like Confused