To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

I agree

What is it you're all thinking it is? Genuinely intrigued.
Boobs?
It's a biscuit lol

Do people think the means troll??

@Lucky2Be

I don't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to look? Do you have sex with a sheet over you & he never see's your lady parts? I just don't get it.

You don’t have to get it. She didn’t ask whether you get it.

But assuming you can conceive that someone might make a decision that you neither ‘get’ nor need to ‘get’, do you accept that the women was in fact entitled to decide she didn’t want her husband watching their
baby emerging from her vagina, without her husband ignoring that decision? Nobody is asking if you would make the same decision - that’s totally irrelevant. She’s just asking if it’s unreasonable of her to be upset that, having made and clearly communicated the decision, her husband ignore her wishes.

She said no. He carried on regardless. Why are you finding it difficult to see a problem with that?

means biscuit. It’s the actual name of the emoji. It doesn’t mean troll.

Oh ye! Totally off topic but that was so weird that Gordon Brown or was it Ed Milliband

Sure it was Gordon Brown if I remember correctly. There was a massive kick off as he wouldn't state his choice of biscuit lol

I’m actually wondering if this is a

You are wondering if it's a biscuit

Do people think the biscuit means troll??

I have no idea
Some aren't seeing it as a biscuit, but not saying what they do see it as.
Boobs, troll, your guess is as good as mine lol

Subjects that are completely divisive

The thing is, I'm surprised that this one is. You'd have thought it would be a unanimous YANBU, but the misogyny is strong with this one.

@MMN123 I think she is massively overreacting. It's probably all those hormones/lack of sleep. Etc!

[quote Lucky2Be]@MMN123 I think she is massively overreacting. It's probably all those hormones/lack of sleep. Etc![/quote]
Or more likely it's her boundaries and wishes being ignored and disrespected.

If you said no to something and I did it anyways, would you be annoyed? Why? Because of lack of sleep and hormones? Or because I did something to you that you specifically asked me not to?

Case in point right there with Lucky's disgusting post.

I find this thread very hard to believe

@Still1nLove

I find this thread very hard to believe

The responses thinking that the op is overreacting or the lack of responses supporting a woman who should be able to choose who sees her body?

Some obvs being toady for the kicks.

How is the poll got a higher percentage of YABU?!

Goady ffs

I think she is massively overreacting. It's probably all those hormones/lack of sleep. Etc!

See, i don't think that's fair.
Why is she over-reacting? She's entitled to her feelings. No means no at the end of the day.
Just because I don't care who looks at my bits in childbirth, doesn't mean I don't appreciate that others may not want to make the same choice.

[quote Lucky2Be]@MMN123 I think she is massively overreacting. It's probably all those hormones/lack of sleep. Etc![/quote]

Wow. How awfully dismissive of you. I mean, even if you don't agree, no need to be so patronising

[quote Lucky2Be]@MMN123 I think she is massively overreacting. It's probably all those hormones/lack of sleep. Etc![/quote]
Which says far more about you that it does about the Op.

Some women have to make themselves feel better about their own lives by putting other women down. Perhaps you are one of those women. It doesn’t matter if she’s hormonal. She still gets to make the decision. It doesn’t matter if she is utterly irrational and decides half way through the delivery that she hates him and wants him to leave the room. She still gets to make the decision. In every way and at all times, regardless of whether it’s driven by hormones (which we are all driven by as it happens) she still gets to make the decisions about her labour and her childbirth. All by herself. Without consultation.

Sounds like your angry with how your birth went and your finding someone to blame so your poor husband is being classed as the bad guy for watching his child being born.

Perhaps he felt under pressure to look as the doctor asked him too and felt awkward to say no. Speak to him, tell him your upset and move on from it. Enjoy your baby & make happier memories

And she owes nobody an apology for her decisions. Nobody has the right to be with a labouring women. Everything about delivery is centred on her welfare and her wishes first and foremost.

@Joiningthegossip

Sounds like your angry with how your birth went and your finding someone to blame so your poor husband is being classed as the bad guy for watching his child being born.

Perhaps he felt under pressure to look as the doctor asked him too and felt awkward to say no. Speak to him, tell him your upset and move on from it. Enjoy your baby & make happier memories

More minimising.

She’s upset with her husband. His actions. Why does it need to be about anything else?

I didn't want dh to look as I was worried about how he'd feel about me afterwards, he did - the midwife asked him to hold a leg, he couldn't really refuse!!

It was ok, it was amazing and special for him and he realised how much I went through.

Maybe your dh got caught in the moment too? I too wonder if you're focussing the trauma you experienced on blaming dh as that's easier than dealing with other things you can't control?

OP, I am so sorry that your birth experience was not as you would have wished. It seems you have endured almost a 'full house' on the Bingo card of negative birth experiences. I too experienced a traumatic first birth and really sympathise. It can take a very long time to process and integrate. In my ante-natal group, many of my friends had similarly upsetting experiences with both vaginal births and c-sections. I have come to conclude that nothing actually prepares one for what giving birth is actually like until we are in that situation, and how quickly things become very, very intense as the perfect storm of the unknown, unmet needs, expectations, pain, fear and loss of control gathers momentum. I think this applies to first time birth partners too; the situation is absolutely alien, the parameters are bound to shift and advocacy becomes very tricky. I think it is very tricky to offer effective advocacy unless you are a doula who is frequently in a position of supporting women during birth and 'know the ropes' and is unfazed by voicing a woman's needs to the birthsuite professionals.
I would really recommend asking the hospital for a birth debrief. Many hospitals do them, and it is an amazing opportunity to sit down with a midwife and your birth notes to go through your experience in a semi-therapeutic context to air any grievances and enable reflection and closure.

rawlikesushi I didn't say they had to divorce so don't be silly. It's interesting that you think doing whatever you want to someone else's body can be nicely explained away though.