To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

"But as the previous poster said, she hasn’t asked for our help with that aspect."

I guess I just thought that that might be a productive next step after lots of pages of disagreement. It felt to me like lots of people had lost sight of op a little.

@SnuggyBuggy

Women aren't just baby producing husks to make other people happy

Oh this, absolutely.

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship .

Oh ffs!

Yes, I agree with you. I understand why he would want to look. But you asked him not to.

To offer some advice to the OP-

As I mentioned previously this happened to me during my first birth. All through pregnancy we’d agreed he’d stay up by my head and knew I felt strongly. Even in theatre I glanced at him and said please stay up here. A dr instructed him to go down and watch and he did. Afterwards he said it was in the heat of the moment and that, being instructed by someone of that kind of ‘authority’ he just sort of did it without thinking. I knew my feelings were valid and that he’d let me down but I was also quite bitter towards the dr for doing that. My DH accepted he’d gone against my wishes and saw how much it affected me. During my next birth he was very good at staying firmly up by my head, even though once again he was instructed to go down and watch pushing 🙄 He just said no thank you we agreed I wouldn’t and let me get on with it. So having that experience the second time helped me. I think I’m more annoyed at the culture of medical staff asking or telling birth partners to watch without even involving the patient in the discussion. Unfortunately when it comes to medical staff sometimes we don’t question what they ask and ‘do as we’re told’ (in the same way women don’t realise they can decline an examination or say no) and I think there was an element of that in play when my DH went against my wishes the first time. If your DH is genuinely sorry for not respecting you at that moment and understands he should have done differently the hopefully you can work through it together.

I agree that a birth debrief would be very helpful for you, you could also raise what happened and how it’s impacted you. I really regret not doing so about quite a few elements of my first birth. Don’t be afraid to speak up, birth trauma is very real and unfortunately common so there is help out there.

I wonder in a hypothetical situation where men could give birth, how many women would go against their partner's wishes and an express agreement they had made, and look at their partner's genitals whilst they were giving birth. For some reason, I can't imagine many women would do this.

I didn't care whether my husband looked. I've had 5 and I don't think he looked for any, certainly the one I had in July he was firmly at head end, supporting me. I wouldn't have minded though. But ultimately it doesn't matter what he wanted - it's what I wanted and as you asked him not to look he should have respected that.

Think he regretted it though as he almost passed out.

Men probably do need scraping off the floor now and again.
My brother passed out at the sight of blood {his own} and was far too squeamish to want to look ''At the business end'' of his DW giving birth.

He'd be the subject on another AIBU thread... ''My DH was too squeamish to watch DS being born''.

@Smallsteps88

I don’t know why you’re continuing to try and argue that it’s the same as rape.... It isn’t!!

I don’t know why you’re pretending not to understand the concept of an analogy.

And no, your point wasn’t valid.

Your analogy is rubbish.

Your point is moot.

One is illegal....... the other isn’t.

End of.

End of.

End of.

Ohhh... you got told!

Closes thread
,

Well in my personal opinion......

I’m actually wondering if this is a

There seems to be a lot of these recently on subjects that are completely decisive.....

2 replies in over 650 posts.....

Divisive

It's a biscuit, as in no comment, can't be bothered to dignify your question?
That's how I've always seen it? Think it was brought in after Gordon Brown web chat here and made huge boo boo of not answering what his fave biscuit was as far as I remember.
Why, what are you seeing? Boobs? Do you need a couch and a lie down and us to look into that for you if so lol

I am still really surprised that ,most people (women!) on this thread have voted to say that the OP was unreasonable!

Men do not have the "right" nor are they "entitled" ( can't believed someone used that word) to look at any part of any woman if she has asked him not to.

I really don't understand why so many posters thinks that the man's feelings amd wants are more important than the labouring woman's!

I don't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to look? Do you have sex with a sheet over you & he never see's your lady parts? I just don't get it.

I don't understand why he wouldn't be allowed to look? Do you have sex with a sheet over you & he never see's your lady parts? I just don't get it.

🤦 Ffs

He shouldn’t have looked. How can anyone think you’re unreasonable??

@TableFlowerss

I’m actually wondering if this is a

There seems to be a lot of these recently on subjects that are completely decisive.....

I agree

Unfortunately when it comes to medical staff sometimes we don’t question what they ask and ‘do as we’re told’ (in the same way women don’t realise they can decline an examination or say no) and I think there was an element of that in play when my DH went against my wishes the first time.

I think there is a lot of weird paternalism in obstetrics still. And definitely an expectation that you should do as you’re told (or what you’re allowed to do).

The fuss that the doctors make if you decline continuous monitoring for example is amazing. I really had to fight for basic rights to determine what happened to my body. Alone and at a time when I had little capacity to do so.

Then when it came time to discharge me, I (and all the other women on the ward) discovered that the doctor had prescribed us all the pill. He did not discuss it with us and none of us wanted it. the midwives saw it as ridiculous but apparently it’s a new policy in the department. We all declined to have it. But clearly the Hospital doesn’t think informed consent matters in postnatal women; they’re all too silly to not just be issued with hormonal medication in case they don’t sort out their contraception.

It’s pretty terrible. I need to feed that back to our MVP because it’s not on.