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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 19:00

Ah I see which post you are talking about now, and no I didn't see it previously. I wasn't trying to be a knob at all, just pointing out that you saying that is ridiculous because she doesn't have to explain herself, so why even say that in the first place?

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 19:01

'What’s that’s got to do with a couple who have mutual respect for each other and one of them breaks that trust by doing something deemed inappropriate.'

As an argument to say that it's completely different to sexual impropriety.

The quoted part could well apply to sexual coercion which can qualify as rape...

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 19:02

And TBF on threads about women saying no and men doing stuff anyway, you always get at least a few posters saying poor chap.

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:03

Could we try to give op some practical advice to move forward with her husband?

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 19:03

So it's seeming more and more like a reasonable analogy to me.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 19:03

Well going by your previous posts, it doesn't seem like you agree

I have repeatedly said it is the person giving birth's choice. Bodily autonomy and right to be listened to, and I said that I'd be pissed off I'd said no and got ignored.
I might have no problem my husband looking but I understand we're all different and we should be listened to if that's not what we want.

Rebelwithallthecause · 09/08/2020 19:04

It’s your body and he knew you didn’t want him looking

YANBU for him going against your wishes

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 19:05

@rawlikesushi

"some people can see how it might have come about and I suppose are trying to help op to consider his reasoning.

I don't think any reasoning is ok though because she expressly said no to it beforehand. I don't think it's ok to look at a person's genitals just because you've come up with a reasoning."

So no explanation, no reason, no apology is ever going to be sufficient? They literally have to divorce over this, no way forward at all?

He fucked up. He shouldn't have looked because he promised he wouldn't. But he did. Now they need to talk about it, understand each other, move forward.

Yes and it's up to him to explain his reasoning and apologise.

It's not up to other posters to dismiss her,her experience and her upset as a selfish,hormonal ,silly woman .

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:05

Lots of pp agree that they would be annoyed too. Some don't think that they would be. But op is, how can we help her come to terms with her husband's actions?

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 19:05

(Although to be fair I did ask at what point is it always you must not look, my choice, how far do we take that, as sometimes choice is taken away)
still doesn't change we should be able to choose if able to though.

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:06

"Yes and it's up to him to explain his reasoning and apologise."

That's what I said so not sure what you're disagreeing with.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 19:06

eek fast moving post, cross posted with loads there

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 19:07

@rawlikesushi

"some people can see how it might have come about and I suppose are trying to help op to consider his reasoning.

I don't think any reasoning is ok though because she expressly said no to it beforehand. I don't think it's ok to look at a person's genitals just because you've come up with a reasoning."

So no explanation, no reason, no apology is ever going to be sufficient? They literally have to divorce over this, no way forward at all?

He fucked up. He shouldn't have looked because he promised he wouldn't. But he did. Now they need to talk about it, understand each other, move forward.

Trust has been broken.

So it will take time and effort to repair the damage.

Step one is for op to believe her feelings are valid. They are.

Step two is for her husband to accept he screwed up.

Step three is for them to see if they can move forward.

You can’t jump to step three without working through step one and two just because you have decided that the worst case scenario is so awful it’s best to gloss over step one. Otherwise there will still be a problem.

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:09

"Step one is for op to believe her feelings are valid. They are.

Step two is for her husband to accept he screwed up.

Step three is for them to see if they can move forward."

I agree with all of that and said it about ten pages back.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 19:09

@rawlikesushi

Lots of pp agree that they would be annoyed too. Some don't think that they would be. But op is, how can we help her come to terms with her husband's actions?
She needs to talk to him, secure in the knowledge that her feelings and upset are valid. Explain how she felt,why and how his actions made it worse. Hopefully he'll understand,apologise and support her to seek further help and complain/contact PALS/ask for a debrief with the hospital.

Hopefully he won't react like some of the posters with "it's my right", "i saw you huffing and puffing and screeching so I get to see my baby coming out" and "I couldn't help myself".

Basically I hope with all I've got that OP has a partner that is much more caring,understanding,sympathetic and with more emotional intelligence than a lot of the posters on this thread.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 19:10

@rawlikesushi

Lots of pp agree that they would be annoyed too. Some don't think that they would be. But op is, how can we help her come to terms with her husband's actions?
Well you are welcome to give some advice, rather than just keep asking everyone what they would advise.
rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:11

OP, im glad you're getting helpful advice now and hope that you and your dh are able to reconcile. At its best, mn gives very good advice 💐

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:12

"Well you are welcome to give some advice, rather than just keep asking everyone what they would advise."

Thank you, yes, I have already done so.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 19:14

@rawlikesushi

"Step one is for op to believe her feelings are valid. They are.

Step two is for her husband to accept he screwed up.

Step three is for them to see if they can move forward."

I agree with all of that and said it about ten pages back.

The idea he can come up with a ‘reason’ that will justify it is naive. No reason will help. There was no valid reason.

He will need to work hard to win back her trust. It won’t be easy. Particularly if, like many women here, he thinks it was no big deal or he thinks it wasn’t his fault.

I would suggest counselling because I doubt her husband will understand how badly he had damaged their relationship. She op is a tired new mum and likely won’t have the energy to make him understand.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 19:15

So you’re talking about expecting people to understand experiences that most women haven’t experienced...... that makes sense hmm

This is one of the saddest things I’ve read in a while, but it does explain so many of the comments on MN and this thread.

I don’t need to have personally experienced something to be able to understand why it would be difficult for someone, or to be able to empathise with them, or at the very least believe them when they tell you about their experiences.

You don’t have to have felt this way to understand that for some women there is a huge common thread between sexual assault and traumatic birth experiences, especially for some of those who’ve experienced both.

I’m sure there are things in your life that you’ve been through that have been horrific which I haven’t experienced. I wouldn’t deny you your feelings on the matter, and I would empathise with you even if I couldn’t understand it specifically. This shouldn’t a difficult thing to do.

Yes, I expect people to understand that OP feels traumatised because she says she feels traumatised. I expect people to understand that this was important to her, whatever her reasons were. I expect people not to be so fucking dismissive and rude to someone who’s clearly suffering.

These are not challenging things.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 19:16

@rawlikesushi

"Well you are welcome to give some advice, rather than just keep asking everyone what they would advise."

Thank you, yes, I have already done so.

Well the OP didn't ask for advice on how to move passed this, she asked if she was being unreasonable. The only answers should have been no she's not, but there you go.
MMN123 · 09/08/2020 19:20

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Good point, well made!

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 19:21

"The idea he can come up with a ‘reason’ that will justify it is naive. No reason will help. There was no valid reason."

An explanation then. I know I have made mistakes in my life, but one always hopes that an honest explanation, genuine remorse, love, might lead to forgiveness and bring you back together again.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 19:25

@rawlikesushi

"The idea he can come up with a ‘reason’ that will justify it is naive. No reason will help. There was no valid reason."

An explanation then. I know I have made mistakes in my life, but one always hopes that an honest explanation, genuine remorse, love, might lead to forgiveness and bring you back together again.

The fact that op has posted to see if we think her feelings are even valid tells me it’s unlikely that what she’s experiencing. Not helped by loads of women piling on to tell her that her perfection reasonable reaction isn’t reasonable. But as the previous poster said, she hasn’t asked for our help with that aspect.
oldstripeyNEWname1 · 09/08/2020 19:29

OK, I give up.

Yep, never doing anything but vote is exactly how aibu works. Let's pile on op for that now, although 12 pages on from her post, I think we can safely conclude the thread hasn't helped her.

Yes, there's a common thread sometimes triggering by traumatic birth.

Yes, communication and trust issues with partner.

Yes, complain to PALS.

Yes, recognition of other women can validate feelings but her experience is her experience.

All of which I said 9 hours and 16+ pages ago.

You're right. At its best, mn can give fabulous advice. It it's worst however...

I'm not helping OP, signing off this thread.