To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

God there is just no explaining this to some people. I can only imagine they are the same in every aspect of life.

This should not be something that is up for debate.

I don’t know why you’re continuing to try and argue that it’s the same as rape.... It isn’t!!

I don’t know why you’re pretending not to understand the concept of an analogy.

And no, your point wasn’t valid.

@MsMiaWallace
It's very insensitive to reply to a thread like this with 'could've been worse' and to go on to tell your own story. That doesn't help OP at all.

Yes. Whether it’s about self confidence is debatable and I’m unclear why you have deduced that it is but it doesn’t matter an iota why op wanted him not to go peering at her genitals. Her wishes about who sees her genitals while she is labouring absolutely trump everyone else’s in the entire world and she is entitled to deny access to anyone including her husband and anyone else wandering past. There is no moral debate here

@MMN123

Because it’s the only logical reason that’s why. It’s understandable as some men may well be put off after witnessing a birth so women might be worried about them seeing this and the consequences this may have on their physical relationship.....

Actually I know why.

Interesting that in her 3 posts, the OP has said she didn't feel listened to.

And yet here we are, another 10 pages in from her last post, shouting at each other, not even talking about her or offering advice that might help.

Yes AIBU is savage. But maybe it wasn't just her partner and doctors who didn't listen to her?

Perhaps we are all guilty of being so ager to argue our points that we forget there is a real family at the heart of this. Some of the theoretical arguments cited are ridiculous.

The Ops experience is her experience. Telling her she could, should, or would have felt better if... won't change it. Its done.

What's needed is helping her understand what, happened, why, who was at fault and what, if anything she wants to do about with regards to the entire experience. Clinical, relationship, counselling.

It is not our place to tell her what she must do, only direct to what help is available, show support and encouragement.

Jeez, haven't you read that she's had enough of people overriding her wishes already? Give her some space to reflect and decide.

Because it’s the only logical reason that’s why. It’s understandable as some men may well be put off after witnessing a birth so women might be worried about them seeing this and the consequences this may have on their physical relationship.....

Yes because the only reason a woman could possibly have boundaries regarding her own body, is because she would be worried about the man's feelings. Logic right there.

@Angelina82

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.

What an idiotic comment.

There is nothing the op has posted to suggest she isn’t in a loving relationship.

The fact you think there is makes me think you need to work on your boundaries. Do you worry that you won’t be loved if you ever say no you the men in your life? How’s your relationship with your dad?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

God there is just no explaining this to some people. I can only imagine they are the same in every aspect of life.

This should not be something that is up for debate.

Was that in reply to me? If so did you purposely ignore where I said I was wondering for my own curiosity so you can be a GF, and it’d have no bearings on my YANBU, or did you not bother to read what I said properly?

Also, if you put something on AIBU, people will most likely debate about it, whether you like it or not.

*Was that in reply to me? If so did you purposely ignore where I said I was wondering for my own curiosity so you can be a GF, and it’d have no bearings on my YANBU, or did you not bother to read what I said properly?

Also, if you put something on AIBU, people will most likely debate about it, whether you like it or not.*

No it wasn't, it wasn't directed at anyone. I didn't even read your post.
A woman's bodily autonomy should never be up for debate.

@TableFlowerss

*Yes. Whether it’s about self confidence is debatable and I’m unclear why you have deduced that it is but it doesn’t matter an iota why op wanted him not to go peering at her genitals. Her wishes about who sees her genitals while she is labouring absolutely trump everyone else’s in the entire world and she is entitled to deny access to anyone including her husband and anyone else wandering past. There is no moral debate here*

@MMN123

Because it’s the only logical reason that’s why. It’s understandable as some men may well be put off after witnessing a birth so women might be worried about them seeing this and the consequences this may have on their physical relationship.....

No it isn’t the only logical reason.

You lack imagination.

Worse, the only reason you can imagine is the idea of her husband finding her unattractive later. Do you always anchor your own worth to men like that?

Maybe she just wanted someone in the room not to be treating her like a brood mare.

And how about a bit more support for op and a bit less judgement and idiots telling her that her own wishes and feelings are invalid because they conflicted with the wishes of the menfolk present. Give me patience.

Well said oldstripeyNEWname1

I don’t see how all this arguing is helping the OP come to terms with her birth and move forward. You all seem so keen on making your point and berating others that you are forgetting there is a new, vulnerable mum at the centre of this.
I don’t see how many of these posts are helping her at all and in fact a lot of these posts are likely to heighten her anxiety. Please think very carefully about what you are posting.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

*Was that in reply to me? If so did you purposely ignore where I said I was wondering for my own curiosity so you can be a GF, and it’d have no bearings on my YANBU, or did you not bother to read what I said properly?

Also, if you put something on AIBU, people will most likely debate about it, whether you like it or not.*

No it wasn't, it wasn't directed at anyone. I didn't even read your post.
A woman's bodily autonomy should never be up for debate.

You did the original post though, as you quoted it, partially. Well, it has been put in a forum where people debate, so it has been debated by some. I don’t feel it’s something to really question, but others do.

I don’t see how many of these posts are helping her at all

By acknowledging and validating her feelings.

A woman's bodily autonomy should never be up for debate

Of course not, completely agree but can see pp's point that if you ask am I being unreasonable you're going to get a range of opinions and experiences.

You did the original post though, as you quoted it, partially.

What?

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

A woman's bodily autonomy should never be up for debate

Of course not, completely agree but can see pp's point that if you ask am I being unreasonable you're going to get a range of opinions and experiences.

Well going by your previous posts, it doesn't seem like you agree.

It doesn't seem as though you agree at all.

Your vile post by its own vulgarity stripped Op of any autonomy of her own body.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You did the original post though, as you quoted it, partially.

What?

I’m not sure what you don’t understand? You quoted my original post on here partially to make your point, though it wasn’t necessary. I’m assuming it was just to be a bit of a knob, as at no point did I say she needed to explain herself.

I just got off the phone my mum. I was a home birth in the days of one midwife per birth and no home phones to call an ambulance if things went wrong. The cord was wrapped twice around my neck and the midwife needed him to come and help - she didn’t have enough hands to get me out safely alone. Even then, with me half born and being strangled and few choices on offer, mum tells me dad paused long enough to look her in the eye to check what the midwife was requesting was ok with her. Then he went to help. It’s not hard. Ops husband screwed up. Maybe he didn’t mean to but he did. It’s ok for op to be upset and it’s ok for her to want to discuss this with him. He let her down. Trust takes time to build and it’s hard to regain when it’s been damaged.

Sorry by him I mean my dad!

"some people can see how it might have come about and I suppose are trying to help op to consider his reasoning.

I don't think any reasoning is ok though because she expressly said no to it beforehand. I don't think it's ok to look at a person's genitals just because you've come up with a reasoning."

So no explanation, no reason, no apology is ever going to be sufficient? They literally have to divorce over this, no way forward at all?

He fucked up. He shouldn't have looked because he promised he wouldn't. But he did. Now they need to talk about it, understand each other, move forward.