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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 18:09

What if OP was kidnapped and the only way the kidnappers would let her free was if her husband would watch her give birth?
Can he look then?

Yeah, because having to look for say, cord is COMPLETELY the same as kidnappers making you watch
Er, whut lol

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 18:09

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

At least the whatsbouttery is becoming more creative.

Oh,I know!

What if OP was kidnapped and the only way the kidnappers would let her free was if her husband would watch her give birth?

Can he look then?

FFS

Theploughwasshowingandorion · 09/08/2020 18:09

Wow wow wow I hope some of these comments haven’t distressed you further OP. I couldn’t get past the one that accused you of being ‘hormonal’. I’m appalled. Please focus on the many commenters who say you are not BU and ignore those that try to minimise your very valid feelings

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 18:11

But that’s nothing to do with this thread. I’m sure that’s a fact albeit irrelevant to this

No, PP introduced the concept of prosecution to differentiate between the consent for the two actions, I was pointing out that her point didn’t actually apply because almost all rapists are never prosecuted.

feelingverylazytoday · 09/08/2020 18:11

I hear you, OP. A similar thing happened to me at my first birth, 32 years ago. It was the midwife who persuaded him to watch the head crown, against my express wishes. I've never forgotten it, and it did taint our relationship. I don't think he really wanted to look either.
If I had my time over again I would labour on my own, with only the midwife present. I didn't really need him there (or any birth partner), he didn't really want to be there, we just kind of thought it was the done thing because there was this big thing a bout fathers being there.

Chienloup · 09/08/2020 18:12

I'm really sorry OP, that is not acceptable at all and the doctor repeatedly asking him is clearly not someone who believes that birth should be a woman-centric experience. Your wishes should be respected at this time when you are most vulnerable, and when many of us feel we have no control over our bodies and dignity.

I would be upset too, but think I would focus on adding the fact that the doctor dismissed your wishes to your complaint. I hope you can debrief the birth, it sounds like a traumatic experience for you and you need time and space to process that.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 18:12

I see you are the PP, so yes your point is invalid.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 18:13

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

So you’re talking about expecting people to understand experiences that most women haven’t experienced...... that makes sense

You don't have to have experienced something to understand it could cause someone who has trauma. Infact you don't even have to understand it, just respect their feelings and wishes when it comes to their own body.

And that’s fair enough, but him ‘not being allowed’ to look down there, was clearly stipulated before any trauma occurred. No doubt he was told several times through the duration of the pregnancy not to look.

She clearly had a crap time bless her but it’s not the end of the world. Yes she’s annoyed, yes he was perhaps insensitive but it’s done now so she needs to draw a line under it and move forward as a family

Bumpitybumper · 09/08/2020 18:13

Wow, some totally disgusting responses here, whatever happened to a woman having autonomy over her own body.

Some posters seem to believe that her partner's desire to see his baby being born trumps her desire to maintain some dignity and prevent him seeing her vagina without her permission. I guess in many ways it's an extension of some of the anti-abortion rhetoric you hear where once a woman is pregnant she loses all rights over her body as she must factor in the rights and desires of the unborn child and the father of said child. Just awful!

Also, the whole argument around the fact he got her pregnant so it's "nothing he hasn't seen before". Isn't this an argument that was used against making rape in a marriage illegal? After all if she consented once and he's seen her vagina then, what difference does it make that she didn't consent a second time. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

The absolute worst though is those poster that's claim because the whole process of giving birth can be undignified then a birthing mother must surrender all notions of consent, dignity and control. The fact that some things may be medically necessary for the safe delivery of the baby, this doesn't mean that anything goes and a partner's desire to see their baby being born is lumped together with a doctor having to use forceps etc. They are clearly massively different things.

Finally if there is such concern for the father's right to see their child being born then what about cases where the mother is longer in a relationship with the father? Is she obligated to let him see her giving birth however he wishes to view it to fulfil this desire. It really is just bonkers!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 18:15

@TableFlowerss
I get your point,honestly I do.

I just think that's a very simplistic/narrow way to look at things.

By excusing,minimising, ridiculing etc women when small boundaries are broken is how the big things happen .

For example let's say a small child doesn't want to be tickled/hugged/kissed by a family member. It's between the child/parents and the family member. It's not illegal. But is it right that the family member is still doing it? Does the child not have the right to be upset? Is it not a violation? Is it not breaking a boundary?

It might not be rape, but "No means No" becomes meaningless once we put arbitrary conditions and limits to it. It really isn't something you can pick and choose.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 18:17

@TableFlowerss

I’m on the fence. On the one hand it’s your body and told him not to.

On the other, his baby was about to be born. It’s the most magical thing in the world.

So morally does your self confidence trump his right to see his baby actually being born in to the world?....

Yes. Whether it’s about self confidence is debatable and I’m unclear why you have deduced that it is but it doesn’t matter an iota why op wanted him not to go peering at her genitals. Her wishes about who sees her genitals while she is labouring absolutely trump everyone else’s in the entire world and she is entitled to deny access to anyone including her husband and anyone else wandering past. There is no moral debate here.

Watermelontea · 09/08/2020 18:17

I voted YANBU as it is your body, and your choice who is going to be looking at you, whilst in a vulnerable situation.
That being said you’ve not explained why you didn’t want him to look, and I am curious, though it wouldn’t change my answer.

feelingverylazytoday · 09/08/2020 18:17

@Angelina82

Angelina82 your attitude is disgusting. You should be ashamed.

I think your obvious contempt of men is pretty disgusting but it takes all sorts I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your obvious contempt for women is beyond disgusting.

Notredamn · 09/08/2020 18:17

Women in hospital, as patients, giving birth, vulnerable and in pain should be allowed boundaries. They should be listened to, end of. They should be respected. End of.

There are some fucking idiots on this thread. There are no 'what ifs'!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 09/08/2020 18:18

bruffin It all went to pot when my baby died. But it didn't mean I wanted people to do whatever they wanted to my body without my consent.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 18:19

Just that sometimes you'd have to let them look in some circumstances.

Well not in this situation, so again, irrelevant.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 18:21

She clearly had a crap time bless her but it’s not the end of the world

How patronising!

Watermelontea · 09/08/2020 18:21

I’m also astounded that 54% of people think you’re being unreasonable! He can fucking look at the baby when it’s properly arrived!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 18:23

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

What if OP was kidnapped and the only way the kidnappers would let her free was if her husband would watch her give birth? Can he look then?

Yeah, because having to look for say, cord is COMPLETELY the same as kidnappers making you watch
Er, whut lol

It's exactly the same in that it didn't happen and there was no NEED for him to look.

Just like he didn't fall through a portal and fell down at the other end.

Or whatever other made up scenario.

What you wrote didn't happen, OP didn't have to make THAT decision and there was no medical NEED for him to look.

If your scenario ever happens and the woman is upset, we can discuss the rights or wrongs of it then.

MMN123 · 09/08/2020 18:24

@supersonicginandtonic

I'm sorry but your partner has seen your lady bits before, you are being ridiculous. My first birth was hurrendous, to hand point I couldn't give a crap who looked down there. The baby is your partners too why shouldn't he see his baby being born? At my last birth, if my partner hadn't looked we wouldn't haVE known baby was crowning and to call a midwIfe.

Are you completely unable to understand that what is ok for you isn’t ok for someone else, without that making them ridiculous?

Op isn’t being ridiculous at all. She made a decision. She has every right to make that decision. It matters not a jot how horrendous your birth was - why would op feel better about her birth because you had a lousy birth and didn’t care who was watching? There is no connection between the two events.

No man is ever entitled to see his child being born. He is there at her invitation. It can be no other way unless you think women matter less than men so men’s wants come before women’s wants. Which is what it sounds like you believe.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 18:24

That being said you’ve not explained why you didn’t want him to look,

And she doesn't have to 🤔

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 18:24

@Smallsteps88

But that’s nothing to do with this thread. I’m sure that’s a fact albeit irrelevant to this

Of course it’s valid.

The scenarios are completely separate. The only reason 2% of raid cases go through to prosecution is because there isn’t enough evidence to charge or it’s his word against hers.

What’s that’s got to do with a couple who have mutual respect for each other and one of them breaks that trust by doing something deemed inappropriate.

I don’t know why you’re continuing to try and argue that it’s the same as rape.... It isn’t!!

TildaTurnip · 09/08/2020 18:24

YANBU. The baby is of course both of yours but your body is your body. I was furious when the midwife asked my DH if he wanted to look when I was crowing the baby and immense pain. I don’t care if he is my DH, it’s me who gets the choice not him!

Watermelontea · 09/08/2020 18:26

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

That being said you’ve not explained why you didn’t want him to look,

And she doesn't have to 🤔

I did say she did have to, did I? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Watermelontea · 09/08/2020 18:27

*Didn’t

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